To think I was conned into my marriage?

[Bereft89]

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or if I'm losing my mind or what.

My husband and I have been together for 6 years. He was fairly charming at first, there were a few possible red flags at the beginning but nothing obvious. He appeared to just be a bit of a chronic bachelor. He liked his own space, a bit moody with me sometimes and had a bit of a verbal temper - again nothing major, he just got a bit shirty every now and then but he had a demanding job.

I know you probably know where this is going...

He became more demanding and his mood swings would be more frequent, he'd say things he "didn't mean" and be full of excuses/apologies. I was fairly new to relationships and thought that maybe this was how some people were.

18 months ago I got a really bad case of flu, I was hospitalized but instead of being worried or looking after me he just ignored me - started stonewalling me. He seemed almost annoyed I was ill. I questioned this and he said he found it stressful but he never worried about things like that

I recovered and things seemed to pick up, until lockdown happened. He's been verbally mean almost daily. It's not always something that would be obvious to outsiders - snidey comments etc.

Fast-forward to tonight and I finally plucked up the courage to confront him about it and he apologised.

He then said to me that he hated me sometimes because I was nice and kind. He wanted to be married to me but he isn't capable of feeling real love. He then went on to tell me that when he was in secondary school that when he was 15-16 he severely bullied a kid and made his life a living hell - his exact words.

I literally, I just, what the fuck?!? How do I, I don't even know what I do with this. I'm just sat on my sofa thinking what the hell do I do now.

Well done OP.

You will never regret this and may very soon thank your lucky stars that he showed his ugly hand.

He sounds like a sociopath. I'm so glad your parents are looking after you. Your mom sounds lovely. I'm so glad you are safe now.

So pleased you have loving family around you now.
Try to rest.
Try to sleep.
Take each hour at a time.
Well done!!!

I'm so glad you're safe, with your parents looking after you.

Give yourself time to grieve and heal. It will take time, but you'll come out the other side a stronger and wiser woman. Your future will be so much better, and in time, I'm sure you will meet a kind man who will love and cherish you.

I wish you all the best.

I'm glad you're safe OP. You did the right thing in leaving. I wish you all the best x

Hurrah! I'm doing a little happy dance in my head that you're out and safe!

If you do have to go back to collect anything from the house, PLEASE take your Dad. Never mind the protection side, which may well be necessary, but it will also show that your Dad knows the "dark side" or your H, so he won't be able to maintain his public "nice bloke" image any longer with this fellow male person. This is quite an important thing, I feel, and will help to protect you in the future as well.

Stay safe and recover well

Stay strong this is the hard bit.

What a brilliant thing you have done for your future self. Your life can now be filled with anything you choose.

This post is an amazing example of how each and every one of us are always just one decision away from a completely different life.

Stay strong. Putting yourself first is everything now.

When struggling to leave toxic relationships in the past, I always used to remind myself:

You owe it to yourself and any hypothetical future children, to walk away from people who make you feel you are hard to love, who don’t show you respect and who make you fundamentally miserable.

I vowed to always make decisions that my future self would thank me for, no matter how tough.

And I put a complete stop to swimming across oceans for people who wouldn’t even jump puddles for me.

I wish you all the best things in the world, they are all yours for the taking. As soon as you love yourself as deeply and unconditionally as you should, you will automatically find it easier to walk away from people who don’t.

You’ve got this!

What amoobaa said.

So pleased to hear that you've got away safely. One day you'll be happily ensconced in your new life and it will feel amazing!

Until then take care of yourself - the best is yet to come!

So glad you are safe at your mum's OP

I was just wondering if your husband is out at work regularly? Just thinking it might be an idea to plan fetching the rest of your belongings along with your dad or someone as soon as possible, before your husband considers changing the locks on the doors. Was just a thought

Start loving yourself more. ❤. Do all you favorite things. 🌹List them and do them. All of us on mumsnet clearly love you and its time you joined in! Lol. 💕

Haven't had time to RTWT yet, but just wanted to say that he sounds like a sociopath. I've jumped to the end of the thread to say well done for getting out ASAP. Always follow your gut and take note of the red flags to protect yourself going forward. Good luck for the future! ✨

Telling you about the bullying is his way of testing the waters. He wants to know if he's going to be able to start bullying you because he doesn't have the energy to keep up the charade anymore and needs to revert to type. He probably has a personality disorder if he can't feel love.

You should make plans to leave, but don't tell him. Make sure you obtain all necessary things you need prior to going - financial info, personal stuff, money etc. You don't want to be left high and dry. String him along and let him think everything's okay whilst you get your wits about you.

Glad you're away and with your parents now. Good luck for your future.

Glad you're safe OP

I’m so glad you’re out and safe. You’ll get yourself and your vitality back

I'd have left after i recovered from the flu. Massive red flag. He is never going to change, i'd make plans to leave now.

So so so soooo happy and relieved to hear you’ve left and have the wonderful safety of your parents 💕 Like many others, I’ve also been in a very similar situation, good luck to your new happy beginning 💕

@Jojofjo44 If you'd read OP's posts, you'd have seen she has already left him.

So relieved for you OP. Sounds like you have great rl support too which is very important.

He’s a narcissist and a controller. They are complete cf’s and will NEVER see it themselves. I’m midst divorce as I had one of them too. Google that word. Nice as pie to everyone else but mean as hell behind closed doors. A good dad yes, but a complete bastard to me. I left. I’m glad to be away from him. I’ m 47. Together for 30 years. Fuck that, you may be able to do the same. I don’t know your age or full history/ kids etc but please, please don’t accept being treated like that. It took me a long time to accept he was a cunt....and I’m no weakling wet pants....they just seem to have this hold, esp when they earn a million times more than you and of course let you know it. Urgh...OP, set the wheels in motion if you can xx

Just for clarification for anyone who hasn't read the OP's last post, she has already left.

How are you @Bereft89?

Hope you're okay

@Bereft89 thank you for you update, I'm glad to hear you're safe and surrounded by support.
Just wanted to check in and see how you're doing now?