To think I was conned into my marriage?

[Bereft89]

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or if I'm losing my mind or what.

My husband and I have been together for 6 years. He was fairly charming at first, there were a few possible red flags at the beginning but nothing obvious. He appeared to just be a bit of a chronic bachelor. He liked his own space, a bit moody with me sometimes and had a bit of a verbal temper - again nothing major, he just got a bit shirty every now and then but he had a demanding job.

I know you probably know where this is going...

He became more demanding and his mood swings would be more frequent, he'd say things he "didn't mean" and be full of excuses/apologies. I was fairly new to relationships and thought that maybe this was how some people were.

18 months ago I got a really bad case of flu, I was hospitalized but instead of being worried or looking after me he just ignored me - started stonewalling me. He seemed almost annoyed I was ill. I questioned this and he said he found it stressful but he never worried about things like that

I recovered and things seemed to pick up, until lockdown happened. He's been verbally mean almost daily. It's not always something that would be obvious to outsiders - snidey comments etc.

Fast-forward to tonight and I finally plucked up the courage to confront him about it and he apologised.

He then said to me that he hated me sometimes because I was nice and kind. He wanted to be married to me but he isn't capable of feeling real love. He then went on to tell me that when he was in secondary school that when he was 15-16 he severely bullied a kid and made his life a living hell - his exact words.

I literally, I just, what the fuck?!? How do I, I don't even know what I do with this. I'm just sat on my sofa thinking what the hell do I do now.

@vikingwife I was bullied right the way through high school and it's definitely had a lasting negative impact on the person I am today and is something I will take to my grave.

For me, it started with 1 bully in year 7... then all his friends joined in... Plus a few who were just bowing to peer pressure to join in 'cos all the cool kids were doing it.

Everybody else that wasn't actually bullying me wouldn't accept me into any of their friendship groups or even groups for class projects - I was like a bad smell - nobody wanted to associate with me 'cos it was seen as "uncool".

By year 9, they'd destroyed me and I'd still got 4 years of it to endure. It was constant. Before school, during lessons, break, after school... weekends... I left that hell with 0 friends and 0 confidence.

I know that was 25 years ago, and I completely understand your view of "time to let it go" - I really wish I could.

But that was 7 days a week for 7 years of my life - It just became ingrained in me that, even to this day, as soon as I open my mouth to speak - it feels like I'm sticking my head above the parapet - someone is going to pick holes in what I say or how I say it.

Your first post is a good example - Someone mentions childhood bullying.... the first thing you do is laugh. Thanks!

The bullying itself - yeah, it's in the past. I buried that when we all went our separate ways. But it 100% had a lasting effect on who I am.

On the flip side - my lack of social & love life has meant I've saved a fortune and been able to work plenty of overtime and retire in my late 30's - so I guess I got the last laugh!

Sorry OP - Not trying to hijack your thread but wanted to share with vikingwife (and any others of the same mindset) the view on bullying from the other side of the fence.

What do you do? You leave the relationship... My ex recently walked out (again) on me. The only difference is this time I didn't chase, nor take all the blame on to myself. I think he was actually more shocked I didn't buy into his version of 'his narration' this time round, and he was left sat on his arse in the cold after he'd made such a fuss of (again) leaving, with the accompanying small violins playing. He frequently informed me 'how much he could have been' (meh! Obviously such a shame he didn't concentrate on who he actually was 😂). I heard a rendition of it'd all be sooo much better if i was this/that (no mention of his many flaws) for many years. Yet amazingly after a bout of massive self doubt things are so much better without the omnipresent sense of doom that existed in my home when he was here. The only person anyone can ever 'fix' is themself, and that's only if they really want to. You are not responsible for his unhappiness! And quite honestly you'll probably be much happier yourself if he goes.

“Like a theatre production where the audience sees the man behind the mask and I'm left clueless until the end“

This is exactly how I felt at one stage and you have my heartfelt sympathy.

I left and have not seen him in person since, though frankly I am 100% certain this was also part of his plan - so he could plead innocence to friends/family & get out of any responsibility for his own actions.

In my heart I believe they do all know what they are doing, and are capable of love but if they admit that, then they would be expected to take responsibility and change.

How much more convenient and self-serving to plead ignorance, or damage, or inability, then its ‘not their fault’

I think they are cowardly, lazy, and jealous. Too cowardly to face themselves, too lazy to do the real work of therapy/change and jealous of those of us who show courage in examining our conscience, work hard on continually improving ourselves and who celebrate the success of others because we choose to be kind.

This is only my take of course, it is keeping me safe (away from the man who abused me) to remember every day that he chooses to behave like this, he is not incapable, its an active choice.

Perhaps in your case he mentioned the bullying as ‘proof’ he’s incapable of love and so therefore he gives himself permission to abdicate responsibility for his actions.

If you stay he gets to claim you knew (& accepted) his ‘inability’ and if you leave he gets to do his own ‘woe is me’ spiel, in his head, or to others.

Childhood trauma is not a catch all, get out of responsibility free type deal (possibly what viking meant) you look at who you are and work on being the best you can (minimum is not repeating the abusive behaviour)

Make yourself a life away from this man - he’s too lazy, cowardly and unappreciative of you to be worth staying with. (Barring a massive turnaround of course)

Oh, the icing on my cake, and the pissing on his cornflakes. I took the higher ground and just informed friends/family that we'd parted ways as it was no longer working. He's spewed horrible comments about me to anyone he believed would listen... They're now all pretty bored by his tale of woe is me, and most have acknowledged he's a Billy bullshitter, and a bit of an all round wanker. I just state 'ah well', and look disinterested 😂

@Catiopea yes! This is exactly what I meant

Childhood trauma is not a catch all, get out of responsibility free type deal (possibly what viking meant) you look at who you are and work on being the best you can (minimum is not repeating the abusive behaviour)

Sounds like he's acknowledging that he's actually a psychopath.

At this stage, if you stay, you are basically giving him permission to carry on being mean to you to the point where it becomes seriously abusive - I wouldn't give him that option.

Be grateful he's told you the truth, say "thanks for the warning" and GET OUT.

There's nothing here for you now.

Sorry op.
I would read this as he cant be arsed to keep the pretence up any longer and his behaviour is about to get a whole lot worse.

Kids? If not - be glad

Thank him for telling you and start the process to divorce him, you'll never be happy with him

Well
Sounds like a personality disorder which he can get help for. Often bullies are made that way through physical childhood abuse by parents. The lack of feeling able to love is part of that child abuse too, being too hurt to want to risk it. The hating nice and kind, linked to child sex abuse because to a person abused as a child they are coercion tools that usually hint at abuse coming. I think you DH has deep childhood issues.

None of this means you should stay with him or should have any guilt if you do leave. You have to take care of yourself foremost. But, either way, I’d advise him that there is help for him. That he should seek it out because he’s not really fit to be in a relationship now, as he currently is.

I’m sorry this has happened. You must feel awful. Can you get support from anyone in real life today, a friend or relative?

Sounds like he has a personality disorder. Personality is a spectrum and some people have sociopathic tendencies. I think the lack of empathy, deliberate nastiness and the inability to love are traits. The mask has slipped on occasion but he has now told you how he feels. It's very difficult to 'fix' people liked this even with therapy. The question is if you want to stay. Chances are he will reel someone else in as he can fake it if you leave him.

@vikingwife

I literally laughed when he pulled out the excuse about being bullied in high school. It sounds flimsy & at what stage does high school drama not fly in the adult world?

What would concern me is that he lack of care when you were sick - and in hospital! Did his vows “sickness & health” mean nothing? What if you got cancer ? That’s what I would be thinking about - he is ok when the going’s food, but if you fall ill don’t expect him to be there to help you through it.

He resents you for being “nice & kind” ? Off you trot mate.

No, he was the bully, wasn't he?

Hes told you who he is, it's now time to leave I think, hes told you best not a nice person in so many words and has enjoyed hurting people in the passed. You deserve better

OP I hope you are ok. It really doesn't matter what is wrong with your OH... but it is definitely very serious and you need to protect yourself. Don't feel any shame. People leave relationships all the time for many reasons. Can you afford to go? And...soon? He may change his behaviour, for the worse, now he feels he has admitted who he really is. Do you have family you can go to? What he said was HUGELY worrying.

Sorry, I can see now that lots of people have made that point!

Sadly that would be the end for me. Plus now doubting if he is a sociopath, he may become increasingly dangerous, I would sort out where I was going to live, get copies of all the finances, mortgage, savings, pensions. & leave them somewhere out of the house, before telling him you are leaving.
Make sure he doesn't have any passwords, or joint clouds. if you have joint savings, remove half into a new private bank account.
& when it is all set up. I'd say, "well I'm off".

@someonem - so sorry that happened to you; it's heartbreaking.

OP - leave, or ask him to go (safely).

You don’t recover from this. You plan to leave as his behaviour will just get worse.

So you want to be
With him?

Do you?

Do you want to leave? Does he?

Tell him to get therapy or you leave.

Even without the fact he's admitted he hasn't, couldn't and won't ever love you his behaviour has been enough grounds for divorce. Please make plans to leave him.

Honestly - I would leave and count your lucky stars you can before he ruins your life.This isn’t your fault and you will recover. But there is no future happiness here