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Original poster

To think I was conned into my marriage?

529 replies

Bereft89 · 01/08/2020 02:27

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or if I'm losing my mind or what.

My husband and I have been together for 6 years. He was fairly charming at first, there were a few possible red flags at the beginning but nothing obvious. He appeared to just be a bit of a chronic bachelor. He liked his own space, a bit moody with me sometimes and had a bit of a verbal temper - again nothing major, he just got a bit shirty every now and then but he had a demanding job.

I know you probably know where this is going...

He became more demanding and his mood swings would be more frequent, he'd say things he "didn't mean" and be full of excuses/apologies. I was fairly new to relationships and thought that maybe this was how some people were.

18 months ago I got a really bad case of flu, I was hospitalized but instead of being worried or looking after me he just ignored me - started stonewalling me. He seemed almost annoyed I was ill. I questioned this and he said he found it stressful but he never worried about things like that Confused

I recovered and things seemed to pick up, until lockdown happened. He's been verbally mean almost daily. It's not always something that would be obvious to outsiders - snidey comments etc.

Fast-forward to tonight and I finally plucked up the courage to confront him about it and he apologised.

He then said to me that he hated me sometimes because I was nice and kind. He wanted to be married to me but he isn't capable of feeling real love. He then went on to tell me that when he was in secondary school that when he was 15-16 he severely bullied a kid and made his life a living hell - his exact words.

I literally, I just, what the fuck?!? How do I, I don't even know what I do with this. I'm just sat on my sofa thinking what the hell do I do now.

OP posts:
TatianaBis · 01/08/2020 07:45

It sounds like he’s done with the marriage and wants out. Doesn’t want to keep up the facade any more. So he’s coming clean.

How old are you and do you have kids?

Clarabella77 · 01/08/2020 07:46

I am not a psychiatrist but it sounds like he may have an anti-social personality disorder.

He is unlikely to change. Things are unlikely to get better. Look after yourself, you don't deserve to be with someone who"isn't capable of real feelings.".

User87471643901065319 · 01/08/2020 07:48

He sounds like a psychopath.

The minute the word 'charming' is used about anyone, it sets off my Spidey senses. I really consider charming not to be remotely virtuous.

OP, I don't think your life will get better with this man. If anything, by staying with him, his behaviour will become worse now that he has confessed this to you.

So, he doesn't love you, he didn't care when you were hospitalised with flu, he doesn't like that you are kind and caring. You need to leave now. He sounds dangerous.

You can't change him. Please leave him. You deserve better.

JinglingHellsBells · 01/08/2020 07:50

@TwilightPeace They need to have a conversation at least before she goes to the solicitor. It's not out of order to give him a chance to say how he feels and if he is willing to seek help.

If it was so black and white, why would she ask for advice? she'd know the answer.

AugieMarch · 01/08/2020 07:51

In a weird way he has done you a favour by straight out telling you he doesn’t love you and is not capable of love as you now know that it’s not just you, he cannot love anyone. Leave ASAP and begin to move on with your life. Don’t waste more time on him. He’s told you he cannot love; you deserve so much more than that and you will have a much much better life in the long run - despite the pain now - if you get out as soon as you can.

Buggedandconfused · 01/08/2020 07:52

He sounds like a narcissist. He’s admitted he doesn’t feel love, he has no empathy. Does he lie as well? They are takers of everything - abs eventually your soul. I would end this now.

TheTeenageYears · 01/08/2020 07:53

He's comfortable enough to share with you who he really is and things can only go down hill from here. It seems like he's letting you know now so he has the ultimate get out in the future to excuse his behaviour, whatever that might be. You could try asking if he is willing to undergo a psychological evaluation or you could just run for the hills. Either way I think you need to see someone to talk through the impact of this relationship on you. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

anon444877 · 01/08/2020 07:59

There’s no future possible after someone tells you they hate you for being kind and then goes to bed - in the end, you will see this as luck that you didn’t hang on longer. I had a friend who married and had a child with a man like this and he left her when she had the baby - she felt destroyed but it was years ago now and she met someone she deserved after that.

Just leave today, go to whoever you can and make permanent leaving arrangements.

It’s chilling too to hear someone acknowledge bullying and feeling no remorse.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/08/2020 08:01

He’s like this with you. Imagine what he’d be like if you had children. They’d be very damaged. The way you get over this is to cut your losses and live your life according to your values, not those of an emotionally stunted and abusive man. Flowers

User87471643901065319 · 01/08/2020 08:03

"Be grateful you found out the truth before you had a child with him. Leave. Now. You are young enough to restart your life and if you choose to, find a partner who is capable of kindness."
For anyone reading who is not young, you are always young enough to re-start your life. If anyone else is in a similar situation, please do not stay to be mis-treated just because you are no longer young.

ShebaShimmyShake · 01/08/2020 08:03

They don't usually tell you outright like this. I wonder if he gets off on working out just how much he can tell you and still have you there. Definitely sounds sociopathic and you must get out right now.

zafferana · 01/08/2020 08:05

You should always listen when someone tells you who they really are. When that person is basically admitting to being a sadist who feels nothing and is displaying psychopathic tendencies that goes double. Do you have DC OP? You need to leave asap.

zafferana · 01/08/2020 08:07

And don't feel like a fool - this guy played you. You're clearly a nice, normal, kind person who wouldn't have dreamed that someone could do this. I hope the replies from others who have experienced the same make you feel a bit better about that Flowers

Thighdentitycrisis · 01/08/2020 08:13

I’m going to try to put a different perspective

I’m sorry you’re having this situation OP it sounds horrible.

I wonder if I have some feelings similar to your DH?
I struggle to feel like I really understand how to empathise with others. I feel terrible about this. I don’t bully others or speak nastily as you say your DP does, but I don’t really have friends either or understand people. It may be due to attachment difficulties,anhedonia, depression. Anyway I don’t feel good about it. When I explain that to my partner I would feel very sad and alone.

But the things he has said to you are different and very hurtful

user1468538201 · 01/08/2020 08:18

He didn't claim to be bullied, he told her he was a bully in school.

natwebb79 · 01/08/2020 08:21

He sounds exactly like my ex. Google 'traits of narcissistic personality disorder'. They're gaslighting fuckers, I'd cut my losses.

Sparky888 · 01/08/2020 08:22

That is a massive red flag - he is telling you that he has no empathy. He sounds like a socio path. That can have very serious consequences. I would get out immediately.

fascinated · 01/08/2020 08:24

@User87471643901065319

"Be grateful you found out the truth before you had a child with him. Leave. Now. You are young enough to restart your life and if you choose to, find a partner who is capable of kindness." For anyone reading who is not young, you are always young enough to re-start your life. If anyone else is in a similar situation, please do not stay to be mis-treated just because you are no longer young.
Thank you for writing this, it’s so true, I’d hate think of someone feeling they were too late. You’re never too late.
BlueSwathesChoose · 01/08/2020 08:26

Run. You have not mentione dchildren so thankfully that is one less complication. Finish it and leave.

Lacey2019 · 01/08/2020 08:27

My ex was bullied, he was emotionally distant for 5 years until I decided to finally leave. Could he go to counselling?

Dancingdeer77 · 01/08/2020 08:28

As others have already said, he’s a sociopath. Some sociopaths do maintain marriages not all go and murder their families in their beds but personally I couldn’t be married to someone that I knew was just following the rules for being a spouse with no feeling for me. That’s without the fact that he has already admitted to severely bullying someone. That person could be you. You need to leave.

Mittens030869 · 01/08/2020 08:29

Lack of empathy can be a result of Attachment Disorder. You haven't mentioned whether he comes from a loving family; what are your PIL like? That can be a clue. My DDs (11 and 8) are adopted and DD1 has always struggled to show empathy. She used to be violent towards me; she did things like stamp hard on my foot leaving it badly bruised and and once tried to hit me with a rounders bat. If someone else was hurt, she would automatically talk about how upset she was.

She also struggles to connect on a deep level with other people, which makes it difficult for her to make friends. I can see the difference with DD2, who has close friendships.

She had therapy last year and there has been a change in her behaviour. So it can be treated in childhood, and obviously for a child like my DD1, who is adopted into a loving family can make all the difference.

As has been seen on this thread, though, lack of empathy doesn't have to mean being cruel to others. So it doesn't excuse your DH's behaviour, the way he bullied that child at school (he sounds like he was boasting about it). And it doesn't excuse his nastiness to you. This behaviour will escalate and I echo posters saying that you should get out.

Eddielzzard · 01/08/2020 08:31

Do you think he confessed to his bullying as a threat to you?

Well, I'd personally get the hell out. Now he's told you the truth he's likely to get worse because there's no need to pretend.

Please take care. He's clearly capable of anything;

bumblingbovine49 · 01/08/2020 08:33

He sounds like he has psychopathic tendencies but would like to be 'normal'. Hence he wants to be married and to be with someone kind and caring but he can't be like that so resents you and ends up.hating you for it sometimes. I think you have to leave as things will only get worse. In the absence of any aggression' actually feel sorry for him ( from a distance, there is no way I'd stay married to him) . My worry is that he may turn aggressive so you probably should be very careful about how you leave. I don't think he can change sadly. Even if he genuinely wanted to

drunkenflamingo2 · 01/08/2020 08:37

Leave if it is safe to do so. Attend the freedom programme to learn more and have your voice heard about what happened to you (so you get some closure). Read the Lundy Bancroft book 'why does he do that'

You're not alone, it happened to me too and I promise life is better on the other side. Much love Flowers xx

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