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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I was conned into my marriage?

529 replies

Bereft89 · 01/08/2020 02:27

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or if I'm losing my mind or what.

My husband and I have been together for 6 years. He was fairly charming at first, there were a few possible red flags at the beginning but nothing obvious. He appeared to just be a bit of a chronic bachelor. He liked his own space, a bit moody with me sometimes and had a bit of a verbal temper - again nothing major, he just got a bit shirty every now and then but he had a demanding job.

I know you probably know where this is going...

He became more demanding and his mood swings would be more frequent, he'd say things he "didn't mean" and be full of excuses/apologies. I was fairly new to relationships and thought that maybe this was how some people were.

18 months ago I got a really bad case of flu, I was hospitalized but instead of being worried or looking after me he just ignored me - started stonewalling me. He seemed almost annoyed I was ill. I questioned this and he said he found it stressful but he never worried about things like that Confused

I recovered and things seemed to pick up, until lockdown happened. He's been verbally mean almost daily. It's not always something that would be obvious to outsiders - snidey comments etc.

Fast-forward to tonight and I finally plucked up the courage to confront him about it and he apologised.

He then said to me that he hated me sometimes because I was nice and kind. He wanted to be married to me but he isn't capable of feeling real love. He then went on to tell me that when he was in secondary school that when he was 15-16 he severely bullied a kid and made his life a living hell - his exact words.

I literally, I just, what the fuck?!? How do I, I don't even know what I do with this. I'm just sat on my sofa thinking what the hell do I do now.

OP posts:
ScrapThatThen · 01/08/2020 07:09

It's good you found out now. He doesn't have the normal range of emotions. He can't make you happy. He uses others selfishly or is mean to them. It's somewhat sad for him but he shouldn't be married. Let someone else IRL know what is happening. Get away from his mean tongue.

BovvyDazz · 01/08/2020 07:12

The psychopath test by Jon Ronson is worth a read.
He’s admitting to you he has psychopathic tendencies.
I’d be getting out.

hammie46i · 01/08/2020 07:13

@PlanDeRaccordement

Well Sounds like a personality disorder which he can get help for. Often bullies are made that way through physical childhood abuse by parents. The lack of feeling able to love is part of that child abuse too, being too hurt to want to risk it. The hating nice and kind, linked to child sex abuse because to a person abused as a child they are coercion tools that usually hint at abuse coming. I think you DH has deep childhood issues.

None of this means you should stay with him or should have any guilt if you do leave. You have to take care of yourself foremost. But, either way, I’d advise him that there is help for him. That he should seek it out because he’s not really fit to be in a relationship now, as he currently is.

If he has narcissistic personality disorder or anti-social personality disorder (those are the two personality disorders that involve lack of empathy), both are very resistant to treatment and people who have those disorders will usually avoid treatment at all costs, because they don't see a problem in being the way they are.

It's not worth hitching your wagon to someone like that.

JammyHands · 01/08/2020 07:15

@bovvy I was just going to suggest that.

OP, he sounds like a psychopath. He can’t change. He can only pretend to. Leave him.

Woolwichgirl · 01/08/2020 07:15

Sociopath...Run..Dont look back..

TwilightPeace · 01/08/2020 07:17

I’d advise him that there is help for him. That he should seek it out because he’s not really fit to be in a relationship now, as he currently is.

He has literally told the OP that he hates her because she is kind. I don’t think she should waste her energy trying to give him advice.

Seriouslyconfused3 · 01/08/2020 07:18

Flowers op this sounds like a terrible shock. Do you believe him or could he be heading for a nervous breakdown?

Tappering · 01/08/2020 07:18

Dump. Pack up, leave, file for divorce, don't look back.

SteelyPanther · 01/08/2020 07:21

Gosh, what a charmer.
I’ve always two questions in this situation, do you want to spend the rest of your life with this person and do you want him to be the father to your children ?

Galaboutbal · 01/08/2020 07:22

Gosh, this is awful, you poor thing.

From the outside it doesn’t really sound like
the relationship is going to have a happy ending. I feel like you could go on and on and have more and more upsetting experiences. However, to just say ‘leave him’ is a big step.

You don’t mention children, would you want any? Would you want this man to be your children’s father?

He really doesn’t sound like a nice man. There are plenty of men out there who are might be kinder and are capable of love.

You probably need to ask lots more questions and dwell on this. I guess it depends on how he responds. Do you want to stay with a man like this?

hammie46i · 01/08/2020 07:22

@TwilightPeace

I’d advise him that there is help for him. That he should seek it out because he’s not really fit to be in a relationship now, as he currently is.

He has literally told the OP that he hates her because she is kind. I don’t think she should waste her energy trying to give him advice.

I agree. He is highly unlikely to seek help anyway.
CambsAlways · 01/08/2020 07:28

He was bullied at school , but he isn’t at school now he’s a grown man, he has a wife, I’m not saying things don’t stay with you, but he has lots of issues, I’d be gone, the fact when you were ill is really worrying that’s not how a husband should behave, he hates you because you are nice and kind! You deserve much more

Onceuponatimethen · 01/08/2020 07:28

Op I’m so sorry you are going through this.

Some people do this - they pretend to be a particular way to get people to marry them because they want the person, the comfort of being married (nice house, food etc), some kind of status in the eyes of the world for getting married and having a great wife

Then at some point they stop pretending. We know someone whose dh suddenly informed her he was actually a very different person. He had been sleeping around right through their relationship and she had never known

He really does sound sociopathic and I think while right now this will be so painful, ultimately you will be pleased to have found out.

Do you have dc?

Onceuponatimethen · 01/08/2020 07:29

@CambsAlways he admitted to being a horrendous bully at school. He wasn’t the victim

JinglingHellsBells · 01/08/2020 07:31

You weren't 'conned' because that implies someone put on an act all the time you were dating (for how many years?) but it's maybe more to the point you didn't recognise red flags at the time.

Has he suddenly changed from the man you dated?

You come across as giving the impression his current behaviour is new but wasn't it there all the time?

If not, has something happened to change him?

I'd say you have two choices

1 You tell him you want to go to couple's counselling with a good counsellor because his behaviour is unacceptable but you want to see if your relationship can be saved if he is willing to work on it.

2 You decide it's over now and make plans to leave.

I don't think it's helpful for people to put labels on him like psychopath etc based on a few posts- we can all read psycho stuff online and think we're experts but even top psychologists find it hard to pin these labels on the people they assess- it's very complex- and you have told us very little.

KatherineJaneway · 01/08/2020 07:34

You weren't conned into marriage but you have finally seen who he truly is.

I'd leave. Pronto.

Onceuponatimethen · 01/08/2020 07:35

@JinglingHellsBells I think people sometimes do pretend and the behaviour can be completely new once they feel comfortable in the marriage and think the the other person won’t leave. Like dv Eg which statistically often starts in pg Sad

CambsAlways · 01/08/2020 07:35

Sorry Op I’m obviously not awake yet. Didn’t read properly. I think you deserve much more love. You are a good person.. I wouldn’t stay in the marriage best wishes to you,

Bluemoooon · 01/08/2020 07:36

Well why was he a bully at school? Ime there is usually something in their home life which increases the risk of this behaviour, also he can't make friends...... perhaps he is a psychopath but perhaps he had an abusive parent or was abused as a child, If this was the case he needs counselling and to sort himself out for a happier future. But this is not your problem, it is his, so you need to leave him to try to sort himself out or not as he chooses.

Onceuponatimethen · 01/08/2020 07:36

I think long term severe bullying and being angry with someone for being ill are fairly sociopathic behaviours

KrabbyPatties · 01/08/2020 07:36

I honestly think that if he were honest, this would be what my dad is like.

Growing up with a parent who seems to be unable to love anybody is totally destructive.

Even at my age I am shut down if I am trying to be affectionate. He is false and insincere to outsiders. He is a major misanthrope. He despises my mum for being kind too.

You’re lumbering your kids with this if you have any with him.

carlywurly · 01/08/2020 07:37

Op, I'm really sorry but you just can't ever unhear this. You can't live peacefully or start a family with this man, or know he actually cares for you so it really leaves you no choice but to plan to leave.

Maybe get some counselling to help support you through this, but alone - not with him.

All the best. I'm sorry he found you.

TwilightPeace · 01/08/2020 07:37

You tell him you want to go to couple's counselling with a good counsellor because his behaviour is unacceptable but you want to see if your relationship can be saved if he is willing to work on it.

What?! He hates her....how can that be worked on? He stonewalls her when she’s ill ffs....

OP I’m sorry you are going through this. Is there anyone IRL you can get support from?
You must feel like your world has been turned on it’s head but you will get through this x

Pippioddstocking · 01/08/2020 07:38

You've just described my exH. We were together 20 years, very similar pattern, can't feel love etc blah blah.
Guess what, he seems to have made a miraculous personality change with his new partner .
I knew what he was like at your stage and stayed, I so wish I hadn't .
There is nothing but misery ahead of you if you stay I'm afraid .
Sending you a huge hug.

carlywurly · 01/08/2020 07:42

Op, these types are really bloody good actors. Please don't feel that you were naive to not spot early signs. Plenty of us don't, particularly if we're wired up to see the best in people based on our own behaviour standards.

Joint counselling will get you nowhere. He won't be honest and will try to use it to manipulate you more.