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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I was conned into my marriage?

529 replies

Bereft89 · 01/08/2020 02:27

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or if I'm losing my mind or what.

My husband and I have been together for 6 years. He was fairly charming at first, there were a few possible red flags at the beginning but nothing obvious. He appeared to just be a bit of a chronic bachelor. He liked his own space, a bit moody with me sometimes and had a bit of a verbal temper - again nothing major, he just got a bit shirty every now and then but he had a demanding job.

I know you probably know where this is going...

He became more demanding and his mood swings would be more frequent, he'd say things he "didn't mean" and be full of excuses/apologies. I was fairly new to relationships and thought that maybe this was how some people were.

18 months ago I got a really bad case of flu, I was hospitalized but instead of being worried or looking after me he just ignored me - started stonewalling me. He seemed almost annoyed I was ill. I questioned this and he said he found it stressful but he never worried about things like that Confused

I recovered and things seemed to pick up, until lockdown happened. He's been verbally mean almost daily. It's not always something that would be obvious to outsiders - snidey comments etc.

Fast-forward to tonight and I finally plucked up the courage to confront him about it and he apologised.

He then said to me that he hated me sometimes because I was nice and kind. He wanted to be married to me but he isn't capable of feeling real love. He then went on to tell me that when he was in secondary school that when he was 15-16 he severely bullied a kid and made his life a living hell - his exact words.

I literally, I just, what the fuck?!? How do I, I don't even know what I do with this. I'm just sat on my sofa thinking what the hell do I do now.

OP posts:
thewallisblue · 01/08/2020 03:21

He sounds like he has psychopathic traits.

vikingwife · 01/08/2020 03:23

people bully those they perceive as weaker than them. It sounds like when you were slick you were weak. Also traits like being “nice & kind” also can be construed as submissive & agreeable - ie weak. I’m not saying you are weak! But that this is how bullies perceive those traits.

You do mention he did apologise straight away when pulled up on his behaviour, which does count for something I guess? As in he acknowledged he was wrong & tried to reflect on why he has behaved the way he does.

It’s really concerning that he says he does. Not love you, or has loved anybody/incapable of it. I’m not sure where that leaves you.

To be honest I couldn’t stay with someone who was rude or mean while I was sick in hospital & recovering. the way you write it sounds like your illness was an annoyance to him. I would rather be single & alone in hospital than married & lonely in hospital.

justilou1 · 01/08/2020 03:24

I think he sounds like a sociopath. He needed you to help present an image to the outside world of a normal, well-adjusted person. Obviously lockdown has made it impossible to hide his real self and there is no point continuing to be with this monster.

Original poster
Bereft89 · 01/08/2020 03:27

Maybe it was easier for him to keep up a fascade when he only had to be with me for a few hours a day before.

OP posts:
Iloveyoutothefridgeandback · 01/08/2020 03:28

Marriage is a choice that you make every day. You can choose to leave. Please don't feel trapped by someone who treats you like this.

ShastaBeast · 01/08/2020 03:29

@vikingwife some people are relentlessly bullied or suffer abuse as children in the home. Of course it’s going to impact decades later. What a nasty thing to say when it’s actually irrelevant here. I’m currently with my dad who verbally and physically abused us as kids, fuck knows why as he’s not improved with age, but watching him tear down my eight year old is making it clear why I have fuck all self esteem decades later. Childhood trauma, including bullying at school, leaves deep scars and it’s so important we crack down on it hard.

And on the actual topic, he sounds a tad sociopathic and a bit like my dad in fact. Don’t feel bad about it, you didn’t do anything wrong. He’s the loser. You can escape and get a nice and happier life without him, while he has to remain unfeeling and angry.

vikingwife · 01/08/2020 03:32

What are his friendships like?

Is there anything you can reflect on that might have been a warning sign in hindsight?

Have his words usually aligned with his actions up until now?

How would he feel if you said you didn’t love him?

Is he usually a taker, not a giver?

Can you recall any previous instances where he has shown himself to be generous or out himself out in any way for others ? If he does is there some kind of incentive for him to do so?

It is surprising that this is a sudden revelation, but lockdown has brought a lot of unhealthy relationships to the forefront.

BoomBoomsCousin · 01/08/2020 03:32

He does sound like he may be a sociopath. Since he is unable to act well towards you on a consistent basis and his treatment of you has got worse, you probably ought to consider how to extricate yourself in the best possible way. Signs aren’t good if you stay.

From his perspective it must be hard to live in a society he fundamentally doesn’t have the tools to cope with. But that isn’t your concern.

vikingwife · 01/08/2020 03:34

@ShastaBeast please stop twisting my words - I am talking about bullying at school. Not a parent abusing their child. Please stop projecting your issues onto what I said, because I categorically was only talking about billing & specifically bullying in high school. Not child abuse. Cheers!

hammie46i · 01/08/2020 03:34

@1forAll74

You really can't be thinking that you were conned into a marriage. this is a strange thing to say. Presumably you must have thought your husband was who you seriously wanted to marry. It's a bit far down the line,after six years of marriage, to say that you have been conned after all these years. But I am aware, that some people can change personality wise, if they are not happy in a marriage.
Sometimes a person takes a long while to show you who they are. I know of a man who changed for the worse after his partner got pregnant, becoming violent and abusive where he was not before. They were together for a few years before that.
hammie46i · 01/08/2020 03:36

[quote Bereft89]@vikingwife He said that he bullied the kid/teenager as a way of control. Whatever that means. He said he knows he's still mean now. So cool and calm about it. I was just gobsmacked.[/quote]
He sounds like a sociopath. None of this is normal. It must feel so strange that he's sleeping soundly while it sounds like your world is crashing down around you?

Goatinthegarden · 01/08/2020 03:48

Still stands though - ok so he bullied a kid at high school. Why is he referencing this? Did he learn nothing from high school? Is he insinuating he is still a bully ? I’m not sure what this excuse from high school days means.

He has explained that he systematically and deliberately abused another human being. It sounds like he is warning OP that he is capable of abusing someone without remorse. That trait is incredibly worrying; In fact, it’s psycopathic.

OP, I’m so sorry you are in this situation. Please make plans to leave. He will not suddenly develop a good character/conscience. You deserve better.

Wanderingstars4238 · 01/08/2020 03:49

It can be terrifying to discover you don't know the person you've been sharing a bed with every night.
You could also miss him after you leave, and you might even grieve for what you thought you once had, plus feel tremendous disappointment that a dream died.
I've been in the same situation. You will eventually move on and adjust to life without him. If you leave him I don't believe you'll ever regret it.
Also, check if there are any support groups for women in abusive relationships in your area. Those can help you out a lot.

carolinasm · 01/08/2020 03:51

@MashedSpud

He sounds a bit of a sociopath. I’m not an expert though.

What do you want to happen?

If he accepts his behaviour is ruining your marriage would he seek help?

Or is it too late? If so get yourself organised financially.

This. Sociopath or narcissistic.
Original poster
Bereft89 · 01/08/2020 03:52

@hammie46i Even when I have fairly insignificant issues on my mind I have trouble sleeping so yes, after dropping whoppers on me to then go upstairs and drift straight off is just like Confused

@vikingwife He doesn't have any friends. Not one. He's definitely a taker. He gives money to homeless people frequently - maybe that makes him feel better about himself?

OP posts:
Original poster
Bereft89 · 01/08/2020 03:57

@Goatinthegarden I thought this was odd. Why bring it up now? Was it that he wanted me to hear it or was he saying it for his own sake like "I'm a bully". Seeing as he fell straight to sleep soon after, he's obviously not that bothered about it.

OP posts:
vikingwife · 01/08/2020 03:59

If he gives money to homeless people is it in front of others? That would make him appear kind & generous.

Original poster
Bereft89 · 01/08/2020 04:01

@vikingwife It is in front of others.

OP posts:
Rebelwithallthecause · 01/08/2020 04:07

He sounds chilling

The good thing if anything is he’s told you who he is now

Listen and leave and don’t look back

mayormaynot · 01/08/2020 04:13

I had a very similar first marriage. I realised that anything nice was done in front of people, his audience. I too was left abandoned when I was really sick. I was married for ten years! I felt really stupid and betrayed, he seemed like a Prince Charming (for very many years) and yet I was left with a sociopathic narcissist. I got divorced and have moved on since then! You will too, don't feel bad, you are a victim and you couldn't have known until he showed/told you. Huge (((hugs))) for you.

PicklePig31 · 01/08/2020 04:38

@Bereft89 I think you need to make plans quietly and calmly to leave.

He’s a sociopath and I’m worried about his pattern of behaviour that seems to be escalating. Please make plans to leave. You have a whole life to live xxx

LittleMissRedHat · 01/08/2020 04:43

I'm guessing there are no children involved since you don't mention them? In which case your decision is even easier - walk away. Now you know he doesn't love you, there is no point at all in staying. Leave and some day you'll meet someone who does love you and you'll feel the difference in the relationship. Even if there are children, I would say the same thing. But whatever you do, don't stay and have children with him.

Dollywilde · 01/08/2020 04:45

Just to echo others - I have known a sociopath. Now in my scenario it was a very extreme ending (there’s no way to put this softly I’m afraid but he killed his wife) but I genuinely do believe these people are very, very dangerous. I would also urge you to leave, as safely as possible.

Please don’t feel foolish. In my scenario I had known the man my entire life and didn’t have a clue, he was so good at ‘passing’ as someone with normal emotions. It’s what they do. It was a very long time before the lies unravelled for the man I knew but a woman lost her life before it did. Sociopaths really can’t be trusted.

Prig · 01/08/2020 04:50

He is a full blown narcissist. It will never change. They are empty inside and do not feel real love or feelings. Huge red flag is when he said he sometimes hates you because you are nice and kind. You can never fix them. Watch a few you tube videos on how they operate. Narcissistic people are very dangerous.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 01/08/2020 04:53

Be grateful you found out the truth before you had a child with him. Leave. Now. You are young enough to restart your life and if you choose to, find a partner who is capable of kindness.