To think I was conned into my marriage?

[Bereft89]

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or if I'm losing my mind or what.

My husband and I have been together for 6 years. He was fairly charming at first, there were a few possible red flags at the beginning but nothing obvious. He appeared to just be a bit of a chronic bachelor. He liked his own space, a bit moody with me sometimes and had a bit of a verbal temper - again nothing major, he just got a bit shirty every now and then but he had a demanding job.

I know you probably know where this is going...

He became more demanding and his mood swings would be more frequent, he'd say things he "didn't mean" and be full of excuses/apologies. I was fairly new to relationships and thought that maybe this was how some people were.

18 months ago I got a really bad case of flu, I was hospitalized but instead of being worried or looking after me he just ignored me - started stonewalling me. He seemed almost annoyed I was ill. I questioned this and he said he found it stressful but he never worried about things like that

I recovered and things seemed to pick up, until lockdown happened. He's been verbally mean almost daily. It's not always something that would be obvious to outsiders - snidey comments etc.

Fast-forward to tonight and I finally plucked up the courage to confront him about it and he apologised.

He then said to me that he hated me sometimes because I was nice and kind. He wanted to be married to me but he isn't capable of feeling real love. He then went on to tell me that when he was in secondary school that when he was 15-16 he severely bullied a kid and made his life a living hell - his exact words.

I literally, I just, what the fuck?!? How do I, I don't even know what I do with this. I'm just sat on my sofa thinking what the hell do I do now.

I think you know everything you need to know here. The wool has been pulled from your eyes and suddenly youre waking up to the realisation that hes not nice or kind and he actually despises kindness and if you are ill and in need, he despises you more as weak.

Oh poor you. You really have had the rug pulled out from under you haven’t you.
Try to think rationally about how to get untangled from him and then deal with the emotions later. You need to get away.

I bet he'll gloss over it today. Act as if it's no big deal. Then pull it out for the rest of his life whenever his bad behaviour is questioned. Leave him

Sounds like he needs intense therapy to me.
Meanwhile the terms of your relationship have changed fundamentally and you will need to decide where to take it from here.

@Lacey2019 as has been said on the thread, he wasn't bullied, he was the bully.

OP you need to divorce this man. He sounds sociopathic. He's told you he isn't capable of loving you in the way you deserve and it's almost a guarantee now he's said it out loud that his behaviour will get worse as he will despise you more if you stay.

OP He sounds exactly like my FIL who I’m convinced is a sociopath. He can be very charming, can go out of his way to help people but can’t feel any real emotion and has to read a room sometimes to know how to react.

For your dh - he wont be able to change and he will probably cheat on you. He doesn’t see life the way do and he really is just going through motions. He has told you who he really is so don’t waste any more of your life with him. He probably married you because he felt that’s what people do. This is the point where you think ‘fuck this shit’ and leave.

If you stay after hearing all those chilling details, he'll think it's green light to carry on being nasty and it will probably get much worse.

@Bereft89 Please read about Sociopathy. Even if not diagnosed, he shows many symptoms.

@Lacey2019

My ex was bullied, he was emotionally distant for 5 years until I decided to finally leave. Could he go to counselling?

But he wasn't bullied. He was the bully.

OP. He definitely sounds like a sociopath. Sociopaths don’t consider their own safety or the safety of others or doesn’t feel guilt or remorse for having harmed or mistreated others. Now that he's laid his cards on the table, you should be worried for your safety.

Walk out and don't look back. Thank god it doesn't sound like you have children with this man.

You're a kind and caring person and it's going to destroy you if you stay in a relationship with someone who doesn't value other people and human connections. Get out and start living again.

How long were you with him before you got married?

I don't really think you have a hard decision to make, you just leave him.

So many people looking for excuses, perhaps this or that. Go on what he has told you. Look after yourself now. Get out. If you have children don’t subject them to this.

It is not your responsibility to make him whole/happy/better!!!! He is a grown man.

I apologise! That’s my morning eyes reading. I would be leaving then, it seems that it’s now festering into your relationship these tendencies too x

Thank you so much for your comments and sorry it's taken me so long to reply. I did finally managed to get some sleep. I slept on the sofa.

I'm dreading him getting up because I just don't know what to say or even how to look him in the eye.

I honestly think leaving is going to be the best option. He could go for therapy, yes. Would it make him feel love? Would he stop hating me for being kind? I don't want to be in a theatre production for the rest of my life where every "Nice moment" is pretend.

Now that I have had chance to wrack my brains, I think he's so much more pleasant to me when we are with other people, in fact he's like a changed man. People are going to say to me "You just have noticed" Yeah maybe you do notice some things but I'm a person who likes to see the good and I try not to judge so things that were easily explained to me - why would I think anymore about it. At the beginning he only rarely exhibited possibly questionable behaviour. It's like it was ramped up so slowly I didn't see it clearly.

He could be a sociopath or psychopath and he seems to have realised this himself and is warning you. I think you should leave him.

I honestly think leaving is going to be the best option. He could go for therapy, yes. Would it make him feel love? Would he stop hating me for being kind? I don't want to be in a theatre production for the rest of my life where every "Nice moment" is pretend.

You have no obligation to 'fix' another adult, even if that were possible. You need to live your life for you.

Do stay safe, though...Maybe don't say anything until you've worked out an exit plan.

Therapy is not going to help. This is who he is. I’m sure he has some good qualities too but we all do.

He sounds like he has a nasty bullying streak and he is aware of it and doesn’t want to do anything about it.

I’m sorry you’re in this situation op. If you were a friend or relative of mine I would want you to leave him.

You need to walk and never look back. Be prepared and do it safely as even though he says he doesn’t care (which he doesn’t in that he’s incapable of love) he will make it difficult for you to leave. It’s a pride thing. He won’t understand how you could possibly want to leave someone like him.

My ex sounds very similar to your dh. Looking back, there were red flags everywhere but it was 20 years ago, I was very young, there wasn’t any support on online forums I could go to for help. I thought it was normal and that he just loved me. He isolated me from everyone. He didn’t have any friends and looked down on me for having them. Said I was weak because I needed people around me. Would love showing off in front of others and donating big bucks to various charities, especially at work events. He’d be the first one to put his hand in his pocket. Seemed like such a nice guy on the outside. Except he was dead inside.

He spun me a story about why he wasn’t close to his family. His older brother had severely bullied him and physically abused him and his parents did nothing to help, so he was very lc with all of them. Found out after we’d split it was the other way around. He’d actually attacked his older brother in his sleep, with a cricket bat.

The final straw came after 6 long years. I already knew by then he didn’t love me, or anyone else. I was just stuck and worn down. He berated me daily and I put up with it. One night he flipped because he asked me to half a cigarette with him. I had a few pulls and passed it over to him and he got angry with me as I’d had more than half, apparently. He grabbed my hand and burnt the cigarette out on it. I screamed and my dog stood in front of me, to protect me, and he kicked and punched my dog. I called the police straight away and moved all my things out while he was in custody.

Looking back now, I’m actually annoyed at myself because it was him hurting my dog which spurred me to leave. Not all the things he’d done to me.

All sorts of messages followed. Good riddance, I never loved you, you’re going to be a loser your whole life, you’ll never find anyone as good as me etc etc. Bombarded me with messages while also telling me how he never loved me. It’s the fact I had the audacity to leave him. Took me another year to get him out of my life for good.

Also, there isn’t enough therapy in the world to help someone like him. He won’t even think there’s anything wrong with him.

Leave. What he said to you is almost word for word what my ex said to me. It didn’t get any better.

I honestly think leaving is going to be the best option. He could go for therapy, yes. Would it make him feel love? Would he stop hating me for being kind? I don't want to be in a theatre production for the rest of my life where every "Nice moment" is pretend.

I don't think that therapy can make him feel love or empathy if he is incapable of it. It might just be the way he is.

[quote JinglingHellsBells]@TwilightPeace They need to have a conversation at least before she goes to the solicitor. It's not out of order to give him a chance to say how he feels and if he is willing to seek help.

If it was so black and white, why would she ask for advice? she'd know the answer.[/quote]
They HAD the conversation last night - he told her exactly how he feels. Read Lundy Bancroft, he explains why for certain types of personality disorder the "help" on offer can allow the person to actually justify their behaviour!

This is clearly an abusive relationship, so whoever suggested couples counselling earlier in the thread needs to understand that this is NOT recommended for abusive relationships.

@caramelbun

Therapy is not going to help. This is who he is. I’m sure he has some good qualities too but we all do.

He sounds like he has a nasty bullying streak and he is aware of it and doesn’t want to do anything about it.

I’m sorry you’re in this situation op. If you were a friend or relative of mine I would want you to leave him.

Therapy can help people with personality disorders. Please don’t consign human beings to a rubbish heap or to a state of hopelessness.

There is no point in therapy for him from your point of view. It might help him but in the long term you need to get away.
He won’t change. All that has happened here is that his mask has slipped.

@hammie46i
If he has narcissistic personality disorder or anti-social personality disorder (those are the two personality disorders that involve lack of empathy)

There is also EUPD where the person feel emptiness inside and incapable of love. Incapable of love is different from empathy. But, yes, I would not stay with someone who has a personality disorder and is not aware of it or not seeking/doing treatment.

OP you have had a terrible shock. Can you tell someone? Do you have support? Please find some and leave.