AIBU or are grandparents being ridiculous?

[Thesaltandthesea]

First world issue. I am very hot and very pregnant and have been feeling very unreasonable all day.

DD8 has a wetsuit she bought with her own pocket money. She keeps it at my mum's house because they’ve taken her sea swimming a few times recently. She wants to go sea swimming tonight with her two best friends (and adults, all competent swimmers). She phoned my mum to check they were in so we could go pick it up along with her bodyboard. My mum was like “yeah that’s fine” and then her husband shouted in the background “no it’s not fine she needs to keep it here”. Cue floods of tears from DD and my mum hanging up and refusing to answer the phone.

1. I’m having to deal with the fallout of an upset DD who has been looking forward to seeing her friends for the first time in months all day
2. I need to explain to DD's friend's mums that her grandparents won't let her have her wetsuit
3. We cannot find anywhere locally with a wetsuit in stock (not that I feel we should be replacing it - no 8 year old needs 2 wetsuits ffs!)
4. I’m convinced my mums husband is very controlling. Not saying my mum is in anyway blameless but this isn’t the first time something like this has happened.

So, am I being unreasonable to be really pissed off about this or are they being hideously unfair?

this step-Grandad must absolutely THRIVE on everyone in this family avoiding confrontation... thus letting his power controlling everyone grow by the minute... and just out of curiosity why does this man.. want to hold onto an 8 year old childs wetsuit anyway... sounds fucking creepy to me..

Any grandparent who allows my child to be upset due to their actions would no longer be having a relationship with them. Particularly as they are making an issue out of something so petty. Go and ask for the wetsuit and put a smile back on her face.

My brother gave her the bodyboard. I've since phoned my mum to let her know one of us will be popping round to pick it up soon as DD is meeting her friends in an hour. They are claiming they bought it for her (not convinced, she bought it when with them and had taken her pocket money with her and returned without it) and supposedly her husband said no because the tides would be out. I don't believe this for one second, he's definitely gaslighting as there is no way he'd have known this in a 2 minute phone call, especially given we hadn't said where/when we were going at that point.

DH is happy to go and get it but now thinks we should just buy her a new one over the weekend (she was outgrowing it anyway) and let her go swimming tonight in just a swim costume. Not to avoid confrontation - I swear I'm not a wimp in other aspects of my life! - but just to prove a point we don't need them for anything.

DC3 is due in a couple of months and DH is adamant we should start putting our foot down now. Interesting that the PP commented on her parents ignoring her DS as they have very little to do with DS and noticeably favour DD. We have been taking about distancing ourselves now he is starting to become aware of this.

Stand up for your child and go and get her wetsuit. YABU to be so passive and have your child upset.

2 separate issues. Go get the wetsuit. Once you get it back (if they give it back) don’t take it there again. Don’t leave your child in their care again. Ever. Your mum can come to yours to see your daughter if you choose to let her but I wouldn’t let that man near my child.

Your mum might be suffering abuse, sounds like she probably is. All you can do is make sure she knows that you are always there for her to talk to, she doesn’t have to stay with him and she has other options. But you can’t save her from it if she won’t let herself be saved. And you won’t be sacrificing your child to appease them any longer.

@Berthatydfil

OP did you post about your mums husband wanting £ for the sleepover as I’m sure I remember a very similar post some time ago. He sounds a very mean and controlling man, he may he controlling your mother and if that is the case try to support her but this shouldn’t be at the detriment of your dd. Get the wetsuit and don’t leave anything of emotional or practical value or significance in their home again.

Nope not me!

@Thesaltandthesea

My brother gave her the bodyboard. I've since phoned my mum to let her know one of us will be popping round to pick it up soon as DD is meeting her friends in an hour. They are claiming they bought it for her (not convinced, she bought it when with them and had taken her pocket money with her and returned without it) and supposedly her husband said no because the tides would be out. I don't believe this for one second, he's definitely gaslighting as there is no way he'd have known this in a 2 minute phone call, especially given we hadn't said where/when we were going at that point.

DH is happy to go and get it but now thinks we should just buy her a new one over the weekend (she was outgrowing it anyway) and let her go swimming tonight in just a swim costume. Not to avoid confrontation - I swear I'm not a wimp in other aspects of my life! - but just to prove a point we don't need them for anything.

DC3 is due in a couple of months and DH is adamant we should start putting our foot down now. Interesting that the PP commented on her parents ignoring her DS as they have very little to do with DS and noticeably favour DD. We have been taking about distancing ourselves now he is starting to become aware of this.

Go and get the wetsuit and bodyboard even if your DD does not wear it.

You know she bought it with her own money.

You won't be proving that you don't need them if you don't. You'll just be letting him win.

Fetch the stuff and then do not allow that man unsupervised access to your children. Especially given your comments about them favouring one child.

It's good that you and your DH are on the same page on this, that will really help if things turn nasty (they did for us, when we started pushing back against a batshit relative)

I'd never speak to them again after a stunt like this.

Speak to your mum alone and tell her when she is ready to leave you will help her.

Until then they don't see you or your children. He's an abusive fuck.

The fact that your DD bought the wetsuit makes it worse, of course, but regardless who paid for it, refusing to let her use it when they supposedly bought it for her is just mean and spiteful. And it's none of his business where the tides are!!

Don't be gaslighted here. Buy a new one if you wish but do not back down on this. Go and get the wetsuit! It's not fair on your DD otherwise and sends a really bad message.

So what even if they did buy it - what use is it to him? Sorry your mum married a complete dick.

I would probably either send DH or let her swim in a suit as you said, and then knock visits on the head for a while if they don't treat DS fairly.

I wouldn't warn them you are coming asnthe prick may destroy it to spite you AND YOUR CHILD.

I agree with PP. DH goes and gets that bloody wetsuit now, even if he bins it on the way home.

It's time to distance yourself from these horrible people and protect your DC from them.

Do you not need to fetch the bodyboard?

Even if the suit is getting small it can be used tonight.

It's also the principle-it's her suit & she wants to use it tonight.

Your husband can fuck off with her wearing just her costume so that the bully is appeased.

However much you may hate confrontation, you need to stick up for your kid and go and get the wetsuit and board. And I'd keep her away from them in future

Don't let them have your daughter unsupervised again, especially doing anything such as sea swimming. Your mother will not put her granddaughters safety above her own relationship with her husband. Your daughter doesn't have a choice, at the moment. Your mother does.

You should still get the suit. It's the principle of the matter- your dd paid for it and it's hers regardless of whether or not she's outgrown it. You need to reinforce that you will stand up for her and she should stand up to bullies. Backing down will repeat the conflict avoidance that you have.

OP, even though she is grown out of it, even though she doesnt need it any more, you have to retrieve her property, if she is in high school one day, and is stolen from, you need to show her that she deserves to get it back, she (you), shouldnt have to buy another one.

Sure, buy her another one, it sounds like she needs it, but while she is swimming, you need to get that wetsuit, even if you have to call the flipping police, its just neccesary.
Okay, maybe don't call the police, but it wouldn't hurt to threaten to, that AWFUL man needs to be put in his place.

Who cares if she’s growing out of it. It’s hers, she paid for it and it’s up to her what happens to it. Set an example to your DD that you don’t allow bullies to walk all over you and call the shots. Go and get the damn suit and tell them to fuck right off in the process.

Your husband has totally copped out of going over there.. instead going to buy a new one.. FFS I'm cringing for your poor Daughter with you two at her back NOT supporting her ?!

They will miss the point you are trying to make and it doesn't sound very convincing.

Why would you want to facilitate a reltionhsip with someone who is controlling? They are repeatidly upsetting your dd, will do the same to the other two if they can.
Juat don't put those children in that situation.

Your dd needs you to step up about this op. Get the suit and rethink their relationship..

@lockdownalli

I agree with PP. DH goes and gets that bloody wetsuit now, even if he bins it on the way home.

It's time to distance yourself from these horrible people and protect your DC from them.

Yes, you need to make a point here. Fetch the wetsuit and bodyboard.

Then have nothing to do with that man, even if it means your mother loses out. Don't let him try to control you, too.

I think this is a hill to die on here. Your daughter believes she bought it and it sounds like she did. It isnt fair to make her leave it and have a less comfortable swim with her friend.

This is the time to put your foot down. The bodyboard was a gift from her uncle, so it doesnt belong in their house either. You might not like confrontation but you've got to stand up for your kids and also stand up to this man.

Your mum is an adult and is responsible for herself. You dont have to bend to his demands just because she chooses to be with him.