AIBU or are grandparents being ridiculous?

[Thesaltandthesea]

First world issue. I am very hot and very pregnant and have been feeling very unreasonable all day.

DD8 has a wetsuit she bought with her own pocket money. She keeps it at my mum's house because they’ve taken her sea swimming a few times recently. She wants to go sea swimming tonight with her two best friends (and adults, all competent swimmers). She phoned my mum to check they were in so we could go pick it up along with her bodyboard. My mum was like “yeah that’s fine” and then her husband shouted in the background “no it’s not fine she needs to keep it here”. Cue floods of tears from DD and my mum hanging up and refusing to answer the phone.

1. I’m having to deal with the fallout of an upset DD who has been looking forward to seeing her friends for the first time in months all day
2. I need to explain to DD's friend's mums that her grandparents won't let her have her wetsuit
3. We cannot find anywhere locally with a wetsuit in stock (not that I feel we should be replacing it - no 8 year old needs 2 wetsuits ffs!)
4. I’m convinced my mums husband is very controlling. Not saying my mum is in anyway blameless but this isn’t the first time something like this has happened.

So, am I being unreasonable to be really pissed off about this or are they being hideously unfair?

It would be the last time they saw the wetsuit if she was my daughter, and if the husband kicked up a stink it would be the last time he saw my daughter. If my mother supported him she wouldn’t be seeing a lot of either of us.

Oh come ON! What the fuck lesson are you teaching your daughter by being so wet and pathetic?

You need to stand up for your dd and go and get it. If they don't hand it over then please protect your dd from his horrible dynamic. She is basically being abused by your mum's husband.

How cruel; I wouldn’t be facilitating a relationship any more

You know what you need to do. Get the wetsuit and reconsider the need for your DD to go there. It doesn’t seem like a nice environment- it
feels toxic and controlling.

They wouldn't answer the door to you and their granddaughter who's 8?
The poor kid.

A relationship with thieves?
No ta!!

DH has gone out with the car but I think one of us will have to go round when he's back. Part of me doesn't want to rock the boat because I'm worried he is genuinely controlling /mentally abusing my mum in some way. This isn't the first time he's pulled a stupid stunt like this. Most recently was January when my mum asked if DD wanted to come for a sleepover and then he sent me a message saying I would need to transfer them money if I wanted them to look after her... I didn't and the sleepover was cancelled, my mum was devastated, DD was disappointed but then lockdown happened and we all just moved on.

Luckily my dad and stepmum are much better grandparents!

@timeforawine

I wouldn't be facilitating any relationship if this is any indication of how much your mother thinks of her.

This. It's your daughters wetsuit not theirs, go get it and tell your mum she either sorts herself out or loses the relationship with your daughter.

This. Your DM needs to hand the suit over. It isn't theirs.

I would just erase our lives. Buy DD a new wet suit and forget them.

*erase them from your lives

You may be being unreasonable about other things today but certainly not this. Twats. Both of them. They’d be twats if they’d bought it for her but as she got it with her own money they’re bang out of fucking order.

Go and get it. Review whether you facilitating a relationship between your young daughter and your weak mother and her controlling arsehole husband is wise. It’s probably not.

Stand up for your child. Her need to see her friends after all this time far outweighs your desire to avoid a spat.

And I do feel for you. I hate this wretched weather and being in pregnant in it must be hellish. Sympathy.

Stick up for your daughter! You'd rather see her cry and miss out on this lovely time with her friends than have a potentially slightly awkward conversation with your mum?!

Seen your update. I’m sorry your mum is in a horrible relationship but she’s an adult and letting it hurt you or your child isn’t okay at all.

Can you borrow a wetsuit from any of your daughter's friends, just for this one time?

Just go and get the damn suit. It’s your dd’s.

SHE paid for it

They have no right to keep it

I would go and get the wetsuit.
I would also give your dm the contact details for woman's aid because it sounds as though she is in a dreadful relationship.

Fucking hell! Send DH round in the car to knock on the door and demand it back!

Go round and get it and then seriously rethink your relationship with them. Or if you can afford it, buy another one, tell them to shove the one they insist they keep where the sun doesn't shine, and seriously rethink your relationship with them.

Text your mum and tell her to leave it on the front lawn, then you won’t have to knock and have him cause a scene.

he's a bully.

get the wetsuit, show your dd you have her back on this. do not engage in his drama. in fact, i'd be reluctant to facilitate any relationship with him at all based on this situation.

why is he trying to be cruel to your DD?

not a rhetorical question, why is he acting like this?

have you asked him?

Get the suit and then keep your child away from this horrible man. You should NEVER allow her to be with him. Massive red flags.

Yes, definitely go and get the wetsuit - or send DH to do it if he doesn't mind and you don't fancy the confrontation.

You need a plan going forward for how you are going to manage the fact that your mother is married to a deranged, mean-spirited wingnut. I would worry about what your daughter is being exposed to in that house. I understand that you are worried about your mum and her wellbeing - I would be too and wouldn't want to close the door on her entirely - but you should try to separate that from your DD and protecting her. DD is a child and your mother, however vulnerable, is an adult and shouldn't be coming first. Maybe having the ability to see DD in her own home withdrawn would help wake the woman up to how abnormal and toxic her husband's behaviour really is, maybe it wouldn't - but I would be putting some distance between my DC and that relationship.

I'm worried he is genuinely controlling /mentally abusing my mum in some way

She’s an adult. If he wants to find fault he will, you can’t change that!

‘I hate confrontation or drama’ does my head in.

OP, no-one (except sociopaths) likes confrontation or drama. Very few relish or delight in it. That said, sometimes you gotta take one for the team and this is one of those times.

Go and get the wetsuit. And then be very circumspect in your future contact.