AIBU or are grandparents being ridiculous?

[Thesaltandthesea]

First world issue. I am very hot and very pregnant and have been feeling very unreasonable all day.

DD8 has a wetsuit she bought with her own pocket money. She keeps it at my mum's house because they’ve taken her sea swimming a few times recently. She wants to go sea swimming tonight with her two best friends (and adults, all competent swimmers). She phoned my mum to check they were in so we could go pick it up along with her bodyboard. My mum was like “yeah that’s fine” and then her husband shouted in the background “no it’s not fine she needs to keep it here”. Cue floods of tears from DD and my mum hanging up and refusing to answer the phone.

1. I’m having to deal with the fallout of an upset DD who has been looking forward to seeing her friends for the first time in months all day
2. I need to explain to DD's friend's mums that her grandparents won't let her have her wetsuit
3. We cannot find anywhere locally with a wetsuit in stock (not that I feel we should be replacing it - no 8 year old needs 2 wetsuits ffs!)
4. I’m convinced my mums husband is very controlling. Not saying my mum is in anyway blameless but this isn’t the first time something like this has happened.

So, am I being unreasonable to be really pissed off about this or are they being hideously unfair?

"You need to stand up for your dd and go and get it" This a million times over. I understand your hesitation about your Mum and her relationship but your dd is a child and needs you to make sure she's not affected by this controlling man in the same way.

Yanbu and I suspect he may be controlling but that doesn't mean you allow it to impact you or dd. Hope you get it back.

YANBU
Your poor DD must be beside herself. That said ALDI have wetsuits at the mo if you can get to one and pick her one up?

I'd have half an eye on not enabling him to completely distance your DM from you and your DC. By cancelling the sleepover and by cutting them off like PPs have been saying, you may be giving him what he wants. t's not easy and you are best placed to judge but this sound more complex. Does he have children or grandchildren that your DM has a relationship with or does he want to just draw a thick circle around him and your DM and keep everyone away?

Good luck.

I’ve had to stop my mum from having my children...or more precisely my dd

She won’t have my ds. Refuses to say why but I think it’s because he looks too much like my dh and she hates my dh

Therefore she would take dd to the cinemas/sleepovers etc

All fine when ds didn’t understand but then he did and she still refused to take him and kept saying “next time”

There was no next time. Might have been unfair to dd, but it isn’t fair on ds to be completely ignored

I can't believe you have to ask. GO GET HER FUCKING SUIT.

Doesn't matter if you don't like confrontation or not. You’re the adult and your DD's advocate. She paid for the wetsuit and has plans, if this man is controlling why are you letting your family suffer for your mum's shitty choices in men?

Really whether he’s controlling and your mother is being abused is nothing to do with the current issue which is its your child’s wetsuit and they have no right to say you cannot have it . Personally I’d be calling round to get it ( or sending your dh ) , texting your mum the number for women’s aid or similar and then keeping your children away from them . Can you not call your husband and ask him to drop in and get it on his way back from wherever he is .

Tell him to stop pulling this stupid shit and do not put your dd in his firing line ever again.

He sounds unhinged and I wouldn't be too keen on my child spending any time with him, but especially without you there!! Send your husband for it and keep out of their way for the foreseeable future!!

By not wanting to rock the boat you are accepting of his controlling his ways and not putting your daughter first. You are allowing her to have contact with people who don't deserve her, who hurt and disappoint her and there is no excuse. If dh is out, call him, tell him to go and get it and have a think about who is more important to you. You put your dd before your mother if it isn't clear, she's making her choice to stay with this prick.

Another vote for collecting the wetsuit.

Go stand at their door until they hand it over.

Then no more unsupervised visits to their home for your dd and definitely do not leave any of her belongings at their house.

Awful. Time to cause a scene.

He’s a bully and used to getting his own way. The only way is to stand up to him

He cancelled a sleepover because he wanted paying for the privilege??

As DH is already out I would ask him to go and collect it!

You need to put your foot down and stop exposing your daughter to this toxic shit.

Please go & get it, or if you really can't face it your DH can go.

You need to show your DD that you can stand up for her & you have her back

Go and get the wetsuit

Going forward if you decide to keep your Mum in contact with your DD I'd try and organise things out of the house. I wouldn't let her stay over or do anything that he can control too much.

It is difficult when someone you love is in a controlling relationship and I always urge people to try and keep their abused relative as close as possible, however you must protect your daughter first and foremost.

If your mother can't protect her, which she clearly can't, you really need to consider if that relationship - and viewing her Grandmother being abused - is actually beneficial to your DD

Go get the wetsuit. Set an example for your daughter that bullying men dont get to scare you into submission. By doing nothing you are showing your daughter that you and her can be bullied. She needs you to stand up for her.

Yes you have to prioritise your daughter and get the wetsuit she paid for and deal with the fallout

Good luck

Another one who thinks you should just turn up and get it. Phone at the same time as you ring the doorbell.

It may be a complete misunderstanding and a storm in a teacup but the wetsuit is your DD 's property. Your SF should not try to keep it. Why don't you phone back and ask for an explanation? Ask them to bring it to you now (as no car). See how far you get with that. How many hot days for swimming in the sea are there going to be?

Go and get her suit, you're her mum, she needs you to stand up for her today.

Don't stand by and let that man steal her suit.

sounds like he somehow got the wrong end of the stick .

Go round and pick it up.

I think why is the biggest question in my mind. Why does her step-grandfather give a damn where she keeps her wetsuit?

I have honestly no interest in whether my DGC leave their stuff at my house or not - as long as it doesn't get in the way.