AIBU or are grandparents being ridiculous?

[Thesaltandthesea]

First world issue. I am very hot and very pregnant and have been feeling very unreasonable all day.

DD8 has a wetsuit she bought with her own pocket money. She keeps it at my mum's house because they’ve taken her sea swimming a few times recently. She wants to go sea swimming tonight with her two best friends (and adults, all competent swimmers). She phoned my mum to check they were in so we could go pick it up along with her bodyboard. My mum was like “yeah that’s fine” and then her husband shouted in the background “no it’s not fine she needs to keep it here”. Cue floods of tears from DD and my mum hanging up and refusing to answer the phone.

1. I’m having to deal with the fallout of an upset DD who has been looking forward to seeing her friends for the first time in months all day
2. I need to explain to DD's friend's mums that her grandparents won't let her have her wetsuit
3. We cannot find anywhere locally with a wetsuit in stock (not that I feel we should be replacing it - no 8 year old needs 2 wetsuits ffs!)
4. I’m convinced my mums husband is very controlling. Not saying my mum is in anyway blameless but this isn’t the first time something like this has happened.

So, am I being unreasonable to be really pissed off about this or are they being hideously unfair?

Well of course she doesn't need to keep it there-what a stupid thing to say.

Were they hoping to be the only ones to ever take her swimming in the sea?

It's a good lesson to learn I think though to keep your stuff at home rather than at others even if that does seem more convenient.

The intention was never for it to be used only with them, was it?

Depending on why you don't have a good relationship with your mum, I wonder why you facilitate one between her & your daughter.

Go get it. He may be a controlling old prick but you need to show him that he can't control you!

Your mum's a big girl. She got herself into that mess, she can either get herself out of it or choose to stay in it. It's not your job to keep the peace between them. It's your job to advocate for your DD.

I'd also collect anything else that belongs to your DD (bought by her own money, or yours) while you are there

YANBU. They sound awful OP. Go and get the wetsuit and don't give it back, it belongs to your child not them. I would be considering allowing my child near them given his behaviour and your DM's ignorance to it.

Did they buy the body board? I'm clutching at straws as to why they would think their behaviour was reasonable. Send your DH round to get the wetsuit. If your DM's DH is a bully, he's more likely to capitulate to a man and pretend it's all been a misunderstanding between the women.Once you have it, don't send it back there again and seriously rethink the amount of access this man has to your DD. Facilitate your DM seeing her at your house from now on.

Does she actually need the wetsuit?

@2bazookas

sounds like he somehow got the wrong end of the stick .

Go round and pick it up.

How.....

I cannot believe you have allowed your DD to be treated like this ... Grow a pair of balls and go get HER wet suit OP... FFS

Sorry but how did you continue a relationship with these people after they cancelled a sleepover when you wouldn’t pay them for it. And it is them because she’s complicit, regardless of whether she’s in an abusive relationship.

You’re an adult. By giving in to them you are also complicit in the abuse of your DD.

Personally I would go and buy her a new one and then tell them to stick the other one and oh btw “forget about seeing her again, I’m quite done with all this.” Your mother is clearly putting her relationship ahead of your DD’s wellbeing.

I also don't like confrontation. On this occasion my finger would be on their doorbell until they handed over the wetsuit. If your dh is still out tell him to pick it up for you.

@StCharlotte

Does she actually need the wetsuit?

Maybe not but the grandad certainly doesn’t

OP did you post about your mums husband wanting £ for the sleepover as I’m sure I remember a very similar post some time ago.
He sounds a very mean and controlling man, he may he controlling your mother and if that is the case try to support her but this shouldn’t be at the detriment of your dd.
Get the wetsuit and don’t leave anything of emotional or practical value or significance in their home again.

Another vote to get the wet suit. Whether she needs it is neither here nor there. She bought it so it’s hers

Your mum has made her choice to be with him.

If you make decisions that affect her relationship with you and your family this may give her the prod she needs to leave him. Give her WomensAid info.

God, poor you. This is really tricky, but no matter what happens, you need to get that wetsuit for your DD one way or another, that awful man is abusing your mum, and if he keeps your DD's property, he is also abusing your DD!
I think it may be better if by any chance your DH can get the wetsuit, you are very heavily pregnant and since you have expressed your hate toward the potential confrontation, then it could make your very stressed, and potentially dangerous.
I hope this all works out for your family, but I think you need to express toward your mum that if that man stays, then you and your DD will not.
All the best, and enjoy your baby x

Please get the wetsuit, they certainly are being ridiculous.

Just go and get it. It’s not theirs, it’s theft technically.

OP, you must get the wetsuit. I think I would die on this hill and give your mum an ultimatum.

How dare that horrible man do this to your dd, especially in the current climate where they are missing their friends so much.

Ffs, when your DH gets back, get the wetsuit, and do not let your dd go to your mum's again. She is eight. Your mum, as awful as it is if she is in an abusive relationship, is not your responsibility in the same way your young ish child is.

If your mum wants to see your dd, then let her do that on her own, until you are sure about her DP. If she does anything to manipulate or coerce you into letting your dd have a relationship with her partner, stop whatever conversation you are having and tell her a firm no.

Tell tell them straight! DD won't want to visit you again if you steal her wetsuit, stop being so weird and give it to her. Then do not leave anything there again. Including your child!

I would be very blunt, regardless of the relationship your mother is in.

The wetsuit belongs to your daughter, who actually paid for it herself. The wetsuit is returned immediately or she won't be seeing any of you for the foreseeable.

Also while you get it. I would tell your mum she needs to leave him. What sort of man says they want money to look after their grand child? It’s not right and your mum is clearly being abused here.

YANBU OP.

You text and say you will be there at x time and it had better be outside waiting for you

Poor child! You need to show her that people can’t just take her things. You need to get the suit back. Otherwise you’re teaching her that powerful people can take things from smaller (less powerful) people without justification.

Could you send her dad to get it? You don’t need this stress if pregnant & hot.

Hope you get it & she gets her swim.