AIBU or are grandparents being ridiculous?

[Thesaltandthesea]

First world issue. I am very hot and very pregnant and have been feeling very unreasonable all day.

DD8 has a wetsuit she bought with her own pocket money. She keeps it at my mum's house because they’ve taken her sea swimming a few times recently. She wants to go sea swimming tonight with her two best friends (and adults, all competent swimmers). She phoned my mum to check they were in so we could go pick it up along with her bodyboard. My mum was like “yeah that’s fine” and then her husband shouted in the background “no it’s not fine she needs to keep it here”. Cue floods of tears from DD and my mum hanging up and refusing to answer the phone.

1. I’m having to deal with the fallout of an upset DD who has been looking forward to seeing her friends for the first time in months all day
2. I need to explain to DD's friend's mums that her grandparents won't let her have her wetsuit
3. We cannot find anywhere locally with a wetsuit in stock (not that I feel we should be replacing it - no 8 year old needs 2 wetsuits ffs!)
4. I’m convinced my mums husband is very controlling. Not saying my mum is in anyway blameless but this isn’t the first time something like this has happened.

So, am I being unreasonable to be really pissed off about this or are they being hideously unfair?

@BobbieDraper. excellent post!

What a vile man 🤬

Go and get it, for your daughter. This has made me mad enough to go and get it for you 😂😂

Tbh it doesn’t matter who paid for the wetsuit. It belongs to your daughter, she needs it right now to go play with her friends, they have no use for it and the only reason they’ve said no is a control issue he/they have. Even if you never get the suit back, they have spoilt the relationship/bond with your daughter, just because this controlling and probably abusive man wanted so badly to get his own way.

At least get the bodyboard

Backing up the loads of posts saying I'd just go around and get it - and give him a piece of my mind too! What a dick!

It's not theirs, it's of no use to them it's dds clothing, who the fuck does that?!

Why are you facilitating a relationship with dd with people you don't like and I suspect don't respect and quite possibly don't treat dd very well either - toxic parents tend to make toxic grandparents!

I have experience with this I'm afraid.

Does she even want to see them?

Re not rocking the boat - well if it's between prioritising your mum and prioritising your dd I'm afraid dd comes first!

She's a child without the power or ability to stand up for herself, your mum whether she is being abused or not is CHOOSING to stay with this man.

My mum is also in an abusive relationship albeit with my dad not step dad, but I've had to accept that there's nothing I can do about it and ultimately she's chosen to stay with him.

Agree with pp NOBODY really LIKES confrontation but unfortunately it's occasionally necessary and this is one of those times.

Doesn't even matter if they bought it, it only fits her and it's hardly the kind of thing you could sell second hand!

Never mind "distancing" I'd be cutting them out completely! They sound bloody awful and it's easier and better for dc to do this when they're younger trust me.

Go and get everything that belongs to dc and Male that the last visit to them - honestly it feels too big but if you did this the relief and peace you will feel will be amazing!

I’m interested to know how much money he wanted for the sleepover!

Go and get it. I’m a wimp, but I think you have to.

Even if they did buy it for her, how nasty to begrudge her using it with her friends!

If you cant get it, Aldi have wetsuits in store!
But I agree you should go there and demand it!

@PatriciaPerch

I don't agree with everyone else cutting contact. I think you need to be there for your Mum even if it means the occasional uncomfortable visit. She needs to know you are there for her if she ever needs to leave or needs help. I am not excusing him in any way but part of the pattern of this type of abuse is to cut off your Mum from her family and friends.

I hope your daughter has a nice time in the sea :)

There comes a time when the OP has to protect her DD over her Mother

It's not ideal, but her DD is a child

He sounds very abusive. I agree that you should stand up to him.

Does he allow you to see your mum on her own? If so, you need to let her know that you're aware that you're concerned about her. Ask her why he comes across as so controlling and if he is abusive in other ways and let her know that, if she wants to leave him, you will support her to do so. She may not believe she has a right to leave or to be treated with respect or think that nobody would believe her and she would have nowhere to go.

She may not agree with you but experience has taught me that asking the questions can help start the process of realising you are in an abusive relationship, even if it takes some time.

Don't criticise him strongly as that might make her dig in further in order to defend him.

Aside from the wetsuit issue, you also need to recognise that your mother is being abused and her partner is isolating her from her family. Driving a wedge between you and her, preventing your daughter from staying over (unless you pay).
You realise there is a much bigger issue here that just a wetsuit, right?

DH has collected the wetsuit. My mum has sent me a message saying WE have created a drama for no reason. I've replied stating she knows where we are if she needs anything but I'm not prepared for me or my DC to keep being on the receiving end of her husband's behaviour.

As PP stated, lots of issues here and I have no idea how to move forwards with this other than to cut contact for a while. Luckily I have fab ILs and my dad and step mum are amazing.

Good on you and your dh

You didn’t create the drama. HE did by being a controlling bastard.

How did you create the drama? He due by saying no to a completely reasonable request!

She hung up on you while DD was crying! Rotten cow.

How can she say you created the drama? He yelled and made your daughter cry, then they refused to answer the phone. Idiots

Part of me doesn't want to rock the boat because I'm worried he is genuinely controlling /mentally abusing my mum in some way.

Whilst it is understandable that you are worried about your mum by not getting the wet suit and body board you are allowing him to control you and your dd as well as your mum.

Irrespective of who paid for it, it is not HIS or THEIR wet suit, it belongs to your daughter, she is the one who wears it not them. The crap about the tide being out is just that - crap, and equally irrelevant. Whether it is or it isn't will have no impact on them, your daughter is the one going not them but he/they are trying to dictate and control your daughter and by extension you by withholding items they have of hers.

You need to get the wet suit and body board, doesn't matter whether or not you buy your daughter another one at the weekend, you need to make the point that you don't and won't dance to their tune.

Distancing yourself and your children from this toxicity is a very good idea, do it sooner rather than later. Personally I would cut them off totally and have no more to do with either of them but I am not you.

@PatriciaPerch

I don't agree with everyone else cutting contact. I think you need to be there for your Mum even if it means the occasional uncomfortable visit. She needs to know you are there for her if she ever needs to leave or needs help. I am not excusing him in any way but part of the pattern of this type of abuse is to cut off your Mum from her family and friends.

I hope your daughter has a nice time in the sea :)

Absolutely disagree with this comment. "Uncomfortable visit" doesn't quite cover it. This man needs to he kept away from the OP's eight year old child imo. There is no way I would sacrifice my dc just in case I might be able to get my mum out of an abusive relationship. No.

I would still stay in touch with the mum though, definitely. Just not with the dp. Who is he to the OP's dd anyway, except a horrible bully who nicks her stuff and won't let her sleep over at her nan's without paying a fee? A big fat no thank you to him.

By the way - hope your DD has a fab time in the sea. That’s the important bit in all this

They are being out of order. It's hers!

@sillysmiles

Aside from the wetsuit issue, you also need to recognise that your mother is being abused and her partner is isolating her from her family. Driving a wedge between you and her, preventing your daughter from staying over (unless you pay). You realise there is a much bigger issue here that just a wetsuit, right?

This is what I think. It’s up to the OP if she does go NC with her mum after this and in 1 sense I wouldn’t blame her. However, this man is orchestrating this to cut the OP’s mum off from her family. It’s what abusers do. Your child is your child and will always come first when a choice has to be made. It’s important to show your daughter that you won’t let this man get away with his controlling behaviour. I’d be laying down some new ground rules as I said before but I wouldn’t be able to cut my mum off if she was being abused.

I really don't think cutting contact with her is a good idea at the moment. Surely that gives him more power over her?

Maybe you and your brother need to do a bit of reading on some of the women's aid websites and see if any of it resonates with your situation.

Personally, I'd reply saying "no drama, just sorting out DD for swimming, see you during the week for a coffee?"

Remember it takes 2 people to have an actual row.