AIBU or are grandparents being ridiculous?

[Thesaltandthesea]

First world issue. I am very hot and very pregnant and have been feeling very unreasonable all day.

DD8 has a wetsuit she bought with her own pocket money. She keeps it at my mum's house because they’ve taken her sea swimming a few times recently. She wants to go sea swimming tonight with her two best friends (and adults, all competent swimmers). She phoned my mum to check they were in so we could go pick it up along with her bodyboard. My mum was like “yeah that’s fine” and then her husband shouted in the background “no it’s not fine she needs to keep it here”. Cue floods of tears from DD and my mum hanging up and refusing to answer the phone.

1. I’m having to deal with the fallout of an upset DD who has been looking forward to seeing her friends for the first time in months all day
2. I need to explain to DD's friend's mums that her grandparents won't let her have her wetsuit
3. We cannot find anywhere locally with a wetsuit in stock (not that I feel we should be replacing it - no 8 year old needs 2 wetsuits ffs!)
4. I’m convinced my mums husband is very controlling. Not saying my mum is in anyway blameless but this isn’t the first time something like this has happened.

So, am I being unreasonable to be really pissed off about this or are they being hideously unfair?

To everyone saying that the OP is wet, pathetic, a child etc etc - she has said she is very pregnant. Leave her TF alone. JEEEEZO.

Have you collected it? I would be straight round as need it! I had odd relatives like that which meant not bothering with them anymore as the kids didn’t want to visit never mind stay there. You can not help or change old people’s ways, they just get worse with age!

Meltingnotsleeping

Please don't post ignorant, victim blaming comments like this. Victims of coercive control are not choosing to be abused.

'Conditioning' is a side effect of Coercive Controlling behaviour ... everyone knows this... or rather ... most of us know this ...

@Goodnightelizabethwalton

Really? There is a button you can click to see all the OP's posts. Mumsnet couldn't make it any easier for you to read it. You dont need to read the full thread but at least read the OP's posts.

I can see why you're not keen on confrontations (most people aren't) but this is about restoring your daughter's faith in natural justice. It's her wetsuit, she's made some fun arrangement (and how grown up is that!), and if your mum's dh can't work out right from wrong because of his control-freak mind, then you can demonstrate this simple principle. It is her wetsuit, and why would anyone rain on a little girl's parade?! Especially in flipping Lockdownland, which is full "don'ts" and "mustn'ts". The snag is, that if you let your controlling mum's dh set the agenda, then you are making a rod for your and your DD's back. Unfortunately it seems like he has already pegged out the fat controller vibe in her / their household - don't let that put you off from doing what you and your dd instinctively know is right. Go get the wet suit.

Not unreasonable, they sound mental. And they are essentially stealing your DD stuff. Stick up for your girl & go get it. He might control your mum, but doesn’t need to control you & your DD life. Good luck.

Stick up for your girl & go get it

Fucking hell you're a genius! Don't know why nobody else thought of that..

How strange. I can imagine it's hard for you if you feel the relationships are on tenterhooks, after all it's your mum. If you seriously think they wouldn't even answer the door I would just do my best to find a wet suit elsewhere and avoid getting into this sort of interaction with them again.
I know the fear of escalating anger I think it is a lesson that you have trusted them too much. Good luck, your feelings are reasonable sounds like the next wise move may not be so obvious as confrontation unfortunately.

@BumbleBeee69

@Meltingnotsleeping

Your DD sounds fab!! X

Its actually theft. Go round and get it. If they wont give it you ring the police. Its withholding property that does not belong to them.

I had to do this once when someone I know wouldn't let me have my stuff out of her place.

Thank you for that info re reading OP posts! I hd not spotted it before. That makes things alot easier. Yes I'm due at the opticians in 10 days LOL

Glad your have sorted it OP and got the stuff back. Your mom is defo in need of womens aid. I've been in that situation. It took me alot of years to lesve.

As hard as it is for you your doing the right thing standing back from it all

@kulaexchange

Your DD sounds fab!! X

She really is

@keffie12

Its actually theft. Go round and get it. If they wont give it you ring the police. Its withholding property that does not belong to them.

I had to do this once when someone I know wouldn't let me have my stuff out of her place.

DH went round and got it.

OP have you heard from your DM 🌺

What a mess mother's husband caused here and on such a hot day to contend with. I know the situation was resolved in the fact dd got out swimming - thankfully. I have read the full thread with disbelief.
Hope you and your family give them a wide berth for the foreseeable future and you have a good birth when you're ready. None of this was your fault. Keep the kids out of that environment. Yes your mum is a victim of coercive control, by the sounds, but you have to protect yourself and your family. Your kids don't need to learn that behaviour. Hugs to you OP. Felt compelled to post because of the crazy pettiness of the situation. Not just dragging the thread on..x

Bumblebee, the fact that you seem to be amused by a conversation about coercive control is saddening.

Being conditioned to coercive control is not the same as not wanting to leave an abusive relationship.

Refusing to entertain the idea that you are being abused, doesn't mean that you don't want to find a way to end it or get out of the relationship. There really is an awful lot more to it than that.

It's wrong to make an assumption that the OP's DM does not want to leave, just because she has defended her DH by attacking the OP. Chances are that she is experiencing massive internal conflict and has very damaged thought processes, which include knowing that she is being abused and wanting it to stop, alongside not being able to see a way to end it and being terrified to admit to herself that she is in this dreadful position.

Sending a message out that some people want to stay in abusive relationships has the potential to cause harm. There will be lots of MNers who, like the OP, have friends or relatives in abusive relationships. Yes. It's crucial that those outside the abusive relationship protect themselves and their children from the abuser but it's also crucial that lifelines aren't withdrawn because people are encouraged to see an inability to leave as a 'want' or a choice.

Abusers actively work to make families and friends withdraw to protect themselves. By doing so, we do their work for them. Where someone has the resources to keep a line of communication open, can visit occasionally and keep a level of the relationship intact or can just send a message that they will always be there, no matter how long it takes or what it looks like, to help, it's far better that they do that.

It will be very easy to pick holes in what I'm saying here and twist things to fuel an argument. It would probably take a series of books to explain properly. I just think it's important the the messages that come from MN don't include that it's OK to walk away from a victim just because they are conditioned to their situation.

Please consider giving my post some thought instead of responding to it to justify your position

@BumbleBeee69

OP have you heard from your DM 🌺

Nothing at all. I'm not really surprised. Ultimately I don't think we will until we make a move.

Actually I have since sent this message:

"I love you and I am very sorry you feel the way you do. I also love my children and I know you love them too, but I can't let them continue to be treated badly. DS is becoming all too aware that you favour DD and she is also aware of the fact that you only want to see her on husband's terms (ie when we give you money). The situation on Friday was frankly ridiculous and from an outsiders perspective looking in it does come across that husband is very controlling. You had agreed DD could collect her wetsuit and she heard him shouting no in the background. Like the situation at the start of the year when you asked her to come for a sleepover and he sent a message without your knowledge demanding payment. This really is not normal and I know for a fact Gran would be devastated if she knew he was making you like this. I’ve tried hard with husband however it is very obvious he hates me and I will not allow my children to continue to be witness to this.

I am genuinely worried about you and I am here anytime when you are ready to reach out, however right now my family have to come first.

I do wish people would at least read the OP’s posts.

I know it’s hard, OP, but please do send that ‘love you hut can’t have your husband upsetting dd’ message. Probably the last thing you feel like but may be an absolute lifeline to your mum.

Good message op. Your support ultimately needs to be for dd but dm knows you are there too. She is capable of seeing you /dd without her dh should she choose.

That's a good message OP.

You know yourself it's likely she'll rant and rave and twist it for a while. If you get any messages back, especially abusive ones, just be very short and unengaging "I love you, but I won't have my children treated like that. You know where we are."

Do not feel any guilt about not engaging or for putting your foot down over this. You've absolutely done the right thing.

@Thesaltandthesea

Actually I have since sent this message:

"I love you and I am very sorry you feel the way you do. I also love my children and I know you love them too, but I can't let them continue to be treated badly. DS is becoming all too aware that you favour DD and she is also aware of the fact that you only want to see her on husband's terms (ie when we give you money). The situation on Friday was frankly ridiculous and from an outsiders perspective looking in it does come across that husband is very controlling. You had agreed DD could collect her wetsuit and she heard him shouting no in the background. Like the situation at the start of the year when you asked her to come for a sleepover and he sent a message without your knowledge demanding payment. This really is not normal and I know for a fact Gran would be devastated if she knew he was making you like this. I’ve tried hard with husband however it is very obvious he hates me and I will not allow my children to continue to be witness to this.

I am genuinely worried about you and I am here anytime when you are ready to reach out, however right now my family have to come first.

Great message x