AIBU or are grandparents being ridiculous?

[Thesaltandthesea]

First world issue. I am very hot and very pregnant and have been feeling very unreasonable all day.

DD8 has a wetsuit she bought with her own pocket money. She keeps it at my mum's house because they’ve taken her sea swimming a few times recently. She wants to go sea swimming tonight with her two best friends (and adults, all competent swimmers). She phoned my mum to check they were in so we could go pick it up along with her bodyboard. My mum was like “yeah that’s fine” and then her husband shouted in the background “no it’s not fine she needs to keep it here”. Cue floods of tears from DD and my mum hanging up and refusing to answer the phone.

1. I’m having to deal with the fallout of an upset DD who has been looking forward to seeing her friends for the first time in months all day
2. I need to explain to DD's friend's mums that her grandparents won't let her have her wetsuit
3. We cannot find anywhere locally with a wetsuit in stock (not that I feel we should be replacing it - no 8 year old needs 2 wetsuits ffs!)
4. I’m convinced my mums husband is very controlling. Not saying my mum is in anyway blameless but this isn’t the first time something like this has happened.

So, am I being unreasonable to be really pissed off about this or are they being hideously unfair?

@Thesaltandthesea

Thank you for all the replies. There's a lot of issues here I think and a lot to take in. One of the PPs messages suggesting I outline my position regarding my DC and her husbands behaviour is a useful one. I think for our own MH we will be taking a back step for a while and leaving the ball in my mums court.

Take your time. You are very pregnant and need to look after yourself.

You can make a plan going forward when you are ready. It sounds like you and your DH are on the same page, which is the main thing really. Your siblings also sound aware of the situation so that will also help lessen the demonising of you.

Take care

@TrickyD

Alibongo and Pamalaar, I think the OP means she hasn’t previously started a thread where the mum’s partner asked for sleepover money, just mentioned for the first time in this thread.

Ah ok thanks!

Have a look at Mel Robbins & the holistic psychologist on Facebook... touches on a lot of this type of stuff and they things in a way that really resonates with me... it can take time to recognise a family dynamic that you’ve been living with for a lifetime.

Sorry this is such a hard situation. She sounds utterly under his thrall and doesn't know the level she is being manipulated by his controlling behaviour.

Take a deep breathe and a step back. You have done nothing wrong.

so if you were to give your mother/her partner christmas or birthday presents they would expect to keep them at your house? And if they came round for dinner at your house they would expect to give you money to cover the cost? I doubt it. He sounds batshit

You hate confrontation, but you love seeing your kid in tears then do you? Choose your kid over this bizarre behaviour by your mum and her dp please.

why on earth was this wetsuit at their house anyway. Please tell you you picked it up

but sadly not everyone wants to leave an abusive relationship having been conditioned to it ...

Please don't post ignorant, victim blaming comments like this. Victims of coercive control are not choosing to be abused.

@Meltingnotsleeping, your comment is equally ignorant. Of course the victims aren't choosing to be abused. But many of them aren't aware that they are. Abuse doesn't arrive fully formed out of the blue. It is gradual and insidious. So that many victims don't realise that their relationship isn't normal or acceptable, it's just the way things are. So when a PP says that the victims don't want to leave because they've been conditioned to it, that's exactly what happens. They see no reason to leave, because it's been so gradual they don't see that there's anything to leave over.

@Yeahnahmum

You hate confrontation, but you love seeing your kid in tears then do you? Choose your kid over this bizarre behaviour by your mum and her dp please.

why on earth was this wetsuit at their house anyway. Please tell you you picked it up

Oh read the fucking thread properly!

@Yeahnahmum

You hate confrontation, but you love seeing your kid in tears then do you? Choose your kid over this bizarre behaviour by your mum and her dp please.

why on earth was this wetsuit at their house anyway. Please tell you you picked it up

At least read the OP's posts before you get on your high horse

@Meltingnotsleeping

There's a huge lack of understanding about coercive control on this thread.

Victims of this type of abuse do not choose to allow it to happen. They are brainwashed into thinking that everything is their fault and they deserve what they are getting. The abuser deliberately creates conflict between them and their friends and family in order to isolate them and prevent them from receiving the support they need to leave.

It's very difficult to help someone in this situation and all you can do is make sure they know that you understand what is happening and will be there for them when they are ready to leave. That message could be their only lifeline - literally.

It is important to recognise the abuser's voice in the communications you receive from the victim.

The OP is absolutely right to withdraw her child from this situation but she needs to be aware that her mother will not automatically come running unless she feels confident that she will be supported.

Many, many strong, articulate and intelligent people stay in abusive relationships for their whole lives because they believe that they deserve nothing else and they are convinced that nobody will beleive or helps them.

Excellent post

your comment is equally ignorant

Believe me, I understand how coercive control works better than a lot of people and saying that some don't want to leave is over-simplifying and victim blaming.

I'm not going to hijack the thread by getting into a debate about the finer details.

Based on your last post I’m even more adamant you need to go round and kick up a stink. I understand your worry for your mum but leaving alone it is normalising it and entrenching her belief it’s not that bad.

I think you’d be doing her a favour to spell it out to her that you won’t allow your dd to be affected by his ridiculous need to control people.

There is literally nothing for him to gain from this other than being powerful enough to ruin something for someone else. If your mum doesn’t want to see that there’s not much you can do but you can cut off the power he has outside his front door.

@Cornettoninja

Based on your last post I’m even more adamant you need to go round and kick up a stink. I understand your worry for your mum but leaving alone it is normalising it and entrenching her belief it’s not that bad.

I think you’d be doing her a favour to spell it out to her that you won’t allow your dd to be affected by his ridiculous need to control people.

There is literally nothing for him to gain from this other than being powerful enough to ruin something for someone else. If your mum doesn’t want to see that there’s not much you can do but you can cut off the power he has outside his front door.

You need to read all of the OP's post. The wetsuit has been picked up.

Oops - sorry - even with the show all OP’s posts feature as well

OP, look after yourself . Horrible situation for you to be in and you have plenty on your plate. You are doing the right thing.

All the best with the rest of your pregnancy too .

Take a step back from your mum. But in doing so look at the whole picture at what SHE says

You were abusive towards HER.
Your siblings have poor relationships with HER.
Your dad had a poor relationship with HER - although he had a long second happy marriage.
You now think SHE in abusive relationship with your stepdad.

There is only one common person in all these relationships and it's not you.

Just go and pick up the wetsuit !

@brownbunny17

Just go and pick up the wetsuit !

Just go and read the full thread!

@Thesaltandthesea

Sorry for the delay coming back to this. DD had an absolute blast swimming, one of her friends brought a paddle board so guess what's top of her birthday wish list...

Back to my mum. I sent her a further message after speaking to my brother and sister just saying I hate any bad feelings but I am genuinely worried for her given how quickly everything escalated today, over a fecking wetsuit! I gently suggested an article on the woman's aid website that may be worth reading when she feels ready and got back "The only abusive relationships I've ever been in have been with your dad and you". They divorced when I was 10 and I was a 'challenging' teenager (although definitely not the worst!!) but my dad was never once abusive from what I can remember and has been happily remarried for almost 20 years. She is completely blind to it all and is now crying to my siblings that I've cut her out of my children's lives. Luckily they are all too aware of the situation and are going to have a quiet word with her when everything calms down.

So yeah, what started as a ridiculous AIBU has turned into a full on family row

Turning it back as your Dad and you bring abusive is quite common in coercive control relationships. He will most likely have convinced your mum that was HE does is because he loves her but your Dad didn’t and I don’t doubt he’ll also be telling her this is all your fault too. IMO you’re doing the right thing for removing yourself from it all, but just let your Mum know you’re removing yourself from him and his behaviour, not her.

I agree, go and get it or better still, take DD round and let them refuse to give it to her...unlikely.. It's nothing to do with you being pregnant, you're being very reasonable and I can't see what their problem is.

Take it back. How dare they, when she's bought it herself, poor kid. It sounds mean spirited rather than because collection is inconvenient.
Yanbu and also "how to make your grandchild hate you in one easy lesson"

Bloody hell, OP. This guy sounds deeply unpleasant. I think your idea of stepping back from your mum is a good one, given that she’s thrown help back in your face now. As for him, you needn’t be in touch with him ever again, and I certainly wouldn’t be letting DCs near him.

Good for you for being the bigger person.

YANBU!
Omg! We could be living the exact same life and I can imagine just how pi*ed off you are! Basically you're in a no-win situation as I highly doubt that mum is ever going to change her mind about the wetsuit, despite the fact her granddaughter is in bits. Her husband sounds like a total prik but your mum obviously loves him so much that she's willing to cause a lot of distress. Chalk it up to a lesson learned and try to avoid something similar happening again. It took me many, many years to accept that the husband will ALWAYS come first......

@Thesaltandthesea
Leave the swimming trip for now. Arrange to meet your mum somewhere neutral for coffee. Say to her "I was surprised he insisted on the wetsuit staying at yours. Hes reacted like before, can you tell me more about that". Google National Domestic Abuse Helpline. 25% of all women will experience DA. She may be one of them