AIBU or are grandparents being ridiculous?

[Thesaltandthesea]

First world issue. I am very hot and very pregnant and have been feeling very unreasonable all day.

DD8 has a wetsuit she bought with her own pocket money. She keeps it at my mum's house because they’ve taken her sea swimming a few times recently. She wants to go sea swimming tonight with her two best friends (and adults, all competent swimmers). She phoned my mum to check they were in so we could go pick it up along with her bodyboard. My mum was like “yeah that’s fine” and then her husband shouted in the background “no it’s not fine she needs to keep it here”. Cue floods of tears from DD and my mum hanging up and refusing to answer the phone.

1. I’m having to deal with the fallout of an upset DD who has been looking forward to seeing her friends for the first time in months all day
2. I need to explain to DD's friend's mums that her grandparents won't let her have her wetsuit
3. We cannot find anywhere locally with a wetsuit in stock (not that I feel we should be replacing it - no 8 year old needs 2 wetsuits ffs!)
4. I’m convinced my mums husband is very controlling. Not saying my mum is in anyway blameless but this isn’t the first time something like this has happened.

So, am I being unreasonable to be really pissed off about this or are they being hideously unfair?

Interesting that the PP commented on her parents ignoring her DS as they have very little to do with DS and noticeably favour DD. We have been taking about distancing ourselves now he is starting to become aware of this.

Definitely distance yourselves if this is happening. Your DS will feel it - he will be hurt and then angry and jealous, and it will cause friction between your children. You do NOTwant them at each other's throats over this vile man.

Regardless of who bought the wetsuit, it belongs to your DD. It's not likely that your DM or her partner are going to wear it... they're being petty, controlling & vindictive. Horrible, to deliberately upset a child just to score a point. (Been there & we have reduced contact as well.)

You did the right thing. Also, I hope your mum gets shot of that arsehole.

I agree with what @PhilSwagielka says... it comes across pretty harsh on the TIO page though!

I think it is perfectly acceptable to be civil to someone (him) and still make it obvisous that you are not engaging and not tolerating his BS.

This is important. If I hadn't been prepared to do this, I think there is a very good chance I would have lost my daughter.

I'd be down there and I'd take DD and say she wants her suit back. If they refused, get her a new suit and never speak to them again.

Well done for getting your dd's wetsuit!

I think you are doing the right thing backing off and not letting her or her husband have any control over your family.

@Meltingnotsleeping

I think it is perfectly acceptable to be civil to someone (him) and still make it obvisous that you are not engaging and not tolerating his BS.

This is important. If I hadn't been prepared to do this, I think there is a very good chance I would have lost my daughter.

I think I'd probably snog an evil dictator if it meant I could stay in touch with my daughter. Especially a daughter I was worried about.

However, if my mum was with a man who was nasty to my own dcs and my mum was not able to prevent him doing that, I could not bring myself to be civil to him or go round and visit. I certainly wouldn't let my children go round and take the hit, because my mum was in an abusive relationship.

It's a totally different relationship and the OP shouldn't be strong armed into being nice to this guy or shouldering any of the responsibility for her mum's situation, (other than staying in touch, or trying to stay in touch with her mum, not the partner). She has her own dcs to be responsible for. A different sort of responsibility entirely.

Even putting aside the moral responsibility, if the op let her dcs go round and make nice with this man and he turned out to be seriously dangerous and the op knew about that, I think that legally that would be neglect. Leaving your dcs with someone you know to be unsafe. Her mum on the other hand is an adult. A vulnerable adult possibly, but she is not the OP's responsibility in the same way and I think it's important to make that distinction.

@PatriciaPerch

seriously somewaterytart, you would do it for your sister, mother, a friend or anyone if you were worried about then and realised what was going on. It is not giving in to anyone.

I think, if I was 100% sure that the only possible way of getting my mum or sister away from abusive partners was to endure a few visits and civility with him, yes I would do that.

However, I think the op may not be in the position of strength to do that.

Her mum has allowed her partner to be unpleasant to OP's children, she has had a go at the op for calling him out for his behaviour. Yes, this is possibly just the result of her relationship with the partner. But for the op, to be on the receiving end of this from her mum, while she is pregnant and maybe feeling a bit vulnerable; that must be very hurtful and unsettling. This is nothing like a daughter or sister lashing out. When your own mum does it, there is an edge to it I think, because this is the woman who is supposed to care for you more than anyone.

Basically, it is a lot more complicated than, "what you wouldn't go round a few times and be nice to this cunt, so your sister or mum could be out of the relationship?" isn't it? It's never just a few visits and niceties. This could go on forever. At what point can the op not be held responsible for her mum's terrible choices, much as I feel sorry for her mum and don't necessarily think it is her fault. The op has to take a stand at some point and not let her dcs fall prey to this man and her mum, who is complicit, whether that is her fault or not. She has done this now and well done to her.

Not an easy thing to do at all and I expect the projection and undermining that some people have decided to engage in on here has not helped at all.

@PatriciaPerch

No, it is a long haul being there for someone through coercive control, it isn't easy at all and I agree with what you have posted too. I suppose it will help the OP if she realises it is abuse though and makes boundaries, which has been covered. It is so bloody hard. I think we all project on these threads to some extent, even if we were not meaning to.

Totally agree

Sorry for the delay coming back to this. DD had an absolute blast swimming, one of her friends brought a paddle board so guess what's top of her birthday wish list...

Back to my mum. I sent her a further message after speaking to my brother and sister just saying I hate any bad feelings but I am genuinely worried for her given how quickly everything escalated today, over a fecking wetsuit! I gently suggested an article on the woman's aid website that may be worth reading when she feels ready and got back "The only abusive relationships I've ever been in have been with your dad and you". They divorced when I was 10 and I was a 'challenging' teenager (although definitely not the worst!!) but my dad was never once abusive from what I can remember and has been happily remarried for almost 20 years. She is completely blind to it all and is now crying to my siblings that I've cut her out of my children's lives. Luckily they are all too aware of the situation and are going to have a quiet word with her when everything calms down.

So yeah, what started as a ridiculous AIBU has turned into a full on family row

Good. This row was needed, you have done entirely the right thing.

If all your siblings sing from the same hymn sheet she will get the message that he's an arsehole.

Ah sorry op. Keep your head. She is probably not in a good place herself. But that still doesn't mean you have to accept any nastiness - even if it isn't actually coming from her!

You have put a boundary in place and that almost always means pushback of some kind. You did the right thing by standing up for your dd and by trying to help her . Hopefully she will come round.

It isn't a full family row OP.
All your wider family seem to understand the issues involved.
You have done a great job of supporting your dd and offering support to your dm.
I agree with a previous poster who said offering to meet just your mum in a neutral space might be a good way to go forward even if she turns you down.
You should feel proud of yourself.

@Thesaltandthesea

Sorry for the delay coming back to this. DD had an absolute blast swimming, one of her friends brought a paddle board so guess what's top of her birthday wish list...

Back to my mum. I sent her a further message after speaking to my brother and sister just saying I hate any bad feelings but I am genuinely worried for her given how quickly everything escalated today, over a fecking wetsuit! I gently suggested an article on the woman's aid website that may be worth reading when she feels ready and got back "The only abusive relationships I've ever been in have been with your dad and you". They divorced when I was 10 and I was a 'challenging' teenager (although definitely not the worst!!) but my dad was never once abusive from what I can remember and has been happily remarried for almost 20 years. She is completely blind to it all and is now crying to my siblings that I've cut her out of my children's lives. Luckily they are all too aware of the situation and are going to have a quiet word with her when everything calms down.

So yeah, what started as a ridiculous AIBU has turned into a full on family row

You Mum was always likely to lash out at the first person to openly suggest to her that her relationship is abusive.

All you can do now is stick to your position, put your children first, and (if you want) make an olive branch offering to your Mum that lets her know you love her, but you're not prepared to allow him access to your children or her access to your children if she treats them differently.

She'll likely refuse for a while, loudly, but keep making the offer for her to visit and one day she may take it up.

Just be prepared to end the visit if she starts anything nasty - telling your DD off, playing your children against each other or telling your DD that you've banned step-grandad/bad mouthing you

Good luck

Well you’ve done absolutely nothing wrong @Thesaltandthesea , how long has she been involved with this man ?

@Floralnomad

Well you’ve done absolutely nothing wrong *@Thesaltandthesea* , how long has she been involved with this man ?

8.5yrs. She met, sold her house and married him while I was pregnant with DD. That in itself was a bit of a red flag tbh.

You did nothing wrong @Thesaltandthesea .

Your mother is clinging to the very chains that bind her. You can't break those chains, she has to do it herself. But there is also no call for you to bind the chains closer by trying to keep a 'cordial' relationship with her abuser and pretending every thing is happy families. No, the right thing is what you did; express love and support but step away from the drama he creates. You haven't cut her out of your children's lives. HE has done that and she is allowing him to do it.

What she said was horrible, but she's angry at you because you are forcing her to look the truth in the face. Step back and don't react. There's no harm in letting your siblings step up and have that quiet chat. Once they do that, then take it from there.

I'm really sorry to hear that this has escalated.

I think you've done the right thing.

Accepting and admitting you are in an abusive relationship isn't something that comes quickly or easily. Lashing out and hurting you is awful but it's probably easier than facing the truth.

Hopefully she won't be as able to silence her own thoughts as she has been your voice. I hope she feels able to walk away from him and some point and be able to enjoy her own family again.

I can't believe that he felt that you should pay them to have your DD over for a sleepover! Did he give any justification for this? What was the money to be spent on? Your daughter or to pay them babysitting fees? He's definitely controlling. But your mum is still facilitating this with the messages that she sent you and by calling up your siblings. It sounds like she is adding to the drama too and that it's not all down to him.

Brilliant that your DD had a blast and that you got a chance to talk to your siblings and that the whole family are aware of what's going on.

Protect your DD from them but keep going. Hopefully she'll see eventually that she needs to get out.

Maybe there are resources for family members dealing with people in coercive situations?
I think it's possible to take comfort in the that you have your family and your DH's support. She's been with this guy 8+ yrs, its going to take time for the chain's to break.

Unfortunately you can't rewrite history and change your relationship with your dm - but you have shown dd who is your priority - and how valued she is.. Your relationship will be a credit to you. And sadly dm can be held accountable for her own actions. Glad your siblings have got your back.