AIBU or are grandparents being ridiculous?

[Thesaltandthesea]

First world issue. I am very hot and very pregnant and have been feeling very unreasonable all day.

DD8 has a wetsuit she bought with her own pocket money. She keeps it at my mum's house because they’ve taken her sea swimming a few times recently. She wants to go sea swimming tonight with her two best friends (and adults, all competent swimmers). She phoned my mum to check they were in so we could go pick it up along with her bodyboard. My mum was like “yeah that’s fine” and then her husband shouted in the background “no it’s not fine she needs to keep it here”. Cue floods of tears from DD and my mum hanging up and refusing to answer the phone.

1. I’m having to deal with the fallout of an upset DD who has been looking forward to seeing her friends for the first time in months all day
2. I need to explain to DD's friend's mums that her grandparents won't let her have her wetsuit
3. We cannot find anywhere locally with a wetsuit in stock (not that I feel we should be replacing it - no 8 year old needs 2 wetsuits ffs!)
4. I’m convinced my mums husband is very controlling. Not saying my mum is in anyway blameless but this isn’t the first time something like this has happened.

So, am I being unreasonable to be really pissed off about this or are they being hideously unfair?

@Thesaltandthesea

I guess I just hate confrontation or any drama. We can't exactly break into their house to get it if they won't answer the door! Which given they won't answer the phone seems possible. My mum and I aren't particularly close but I facilitate a relationship with DD. Now questioning if that's the right thing to do.

Then text or stop by and say "if you keep dds property we will consider that theft and will no longer be associating with you. " Cause they're being fucking ridiculous

@Thesaltandthesea you did nothing wrong.

I’m glad your daughter had a great time

I wouldn’t be letting my child anywhere near him tbh OP.

I wouldn't let my kids near either of them either OP..

and credit to you tonight OP.. you and your DH stood your ground .. for your DD.. I genuinely thought you'd let het down.. Im glad to be proven wrong.. for all your sakes .. 🌺

Idk if it's been mentioned and it's too late to rtft but I think you need a chat with your mum about your dad.

OK, not your dad, her husband.

Do you get to talk to her alone?

Glad your siblings are onside op it's not always the case.

She is out of order describing you as abusive as a child! But I suspect she knows this.

You've done absolutely nothing wrong so don't let her convince you otherwise

You've done so well to deal with this head on and support your DD.

The text messages she sent may have been for her husband's benefit if he has access to her phone. Or she might just be a cow...

Send her a text -
'I love you and I am very sorry you feel that way. I also love my children and I know you love them too, but I can't let [husband name] have another opportunity to treat them badly.'

Have they got any justification on why the wetsuit had to stay at theirs and not used?

I'm puzzled as to why they think they can decide when someone uses their own property.

My DC have scooters that my Mum purchased. DC live with me but if they want to take them to their Dad when visiting then they do because they are theirs

So yeah, what started as a ridiculous AIBU has turned into a full on family row

That's not your fault though. It is all of his doing.

I understand that these people can be charming & manipulative & that their partners get sucked in gradually.

But charging for an overnight stay, saying that a wetsuit must stay at your house, wouldn't these give you pause for thought even if you didn't think it was abusive?

Of course it's possible that things went on in her first marriage that you don't know about, but would that not make her more aware of the signs?

Maybe it was just a step to far to send info on abuse along with all that went on yesterday?

Well done for standing firm.

Sending some ((hugs))

If she doesn’t think her husband is behind the behaviour then she is. If she genuinely feels you are abusive then I would suggest the relationship needs rethinking anyway?

Suggest a trial separation for three months and say you’d be happy to discuss ways forward if she wants to then.

I understand that these people can be charming & manipulative & that their partners get sucked in gradually.

But charging for an overnight stay, saying that a wetsuit must stay at your house, wouldn't these give you pause for thought even if you didn't think it was abusive?

That makes perfect sense from outside an abusive relationship but from the perspective of a victim of coercive control, it just doesn't work like that.

It's hugely complicated and many people have no concept of how ridiculously powerful the abuser is in this situation.

the signs of abuse are everywhere now... help is available.. we can spot these things much more quickly ... but sadly not everyone wants to leave an abusive relationship having been conditioned to it ... maybe your Mum is one of this category OP 🌺

However ... hell would freeze over before I allowed my Children to be exposed to this and see this as normal behaviour ... 🌺

@diddl

I understand that these people can be charming & manipulative & that their partners get sucked in gradually.

But charging for an overnight stay, saying that a wetsuit must stay at your house, wouldn't these give you pause for thought even if you didn't think it was abusive?

Of course it's possible that things went on in her first marriage that you don't know about, but would that not make her more aware of the signs?

Maybe it was just a step to far to send info on abuse along with all that went on yesterday?

If it was as simple as things giving pause for thought then it wouldn't be so difficult for women to leave relationships and the likes of Women's Aid wouldn't spend millions on campains trying to highlight things

The constant drip, drip, drip of control changes people's perspectives completely until they are at a point where "If your DD wants us to babysit her DD then she should be paying for time/food/activities" sounds absolutely and utterly reasonable

Especially if, as I suspect in this case, the OP's step-father knows the OP doesn't like him and is suspicious of him therefore he will have been in particular dripping in his wife's ear about her.

If it was as simple as an abusive man saying something outrageous or punching in the face on day 1 then it would be easy as no-one would stand for it, but it's not like that. It's a very slow burn until things are so normal they don't cause pause for thought.

Also your comment about her being more aware is wrong. Women who have been abused are far more likely to end up in further abusive relationships.

Nope not me!

I'm confused OP because literally less than an hour upthread of this you said it was you!

but sadly not everyone wants to leave an abusive relationship having been conditioned to it ...

Please don't post ignorant, victim blaming comments like this. Victims of coercive control are not choosing to be abused.

@alibongo5

Nope not me!

I'm confused OP because literally less than an hour upthread of this you said it was you!

Confused too

@alibongo5

Nope not me!

I'm confused OP because literally less than an hour upthread of this you said it was you!

I haven't posted about it before

Thank you for all the replies. There's a lot of issues here I think and a lot to take in. One of the PPs messages suggesting I outline my position regarding my DC and her husbands behaviour is a useful one. I think for our own MH we will be taking a back step for a while and leaving the ball in my mums court.

Alibongo and Pamalaar, I think the OP means she hasn’t previously started a thread where the mum’s partner asked for sleepover money, just mentioned for the first time in this thread.