To want to ask the In-Laws not to buy my son something without asking us first

[SuperDuper333]

So I'm not considering really telling them they have to ask us if they can by our son something. It's more that I wish they would consult us first about what it is they are going to buy him incase we want to buy it ourselves.
They've done it a few times already where they've bought him a present, refusing to tell us what but have told us we can't buy something of a particular sort anymore incase it's the same thing.
Well this time they've really pee'd me off. For the first time ever, they actually told me what they were considering getting him this year. So I thought great. That's fine. I wasn't thinking of getting him anything like that.
But tonight, they've said 'oh by the way, you can't buy him anymore kitchen (play) stuff between now and Christmas.
My little boy loves his little plastic kitchen I bought him and Ive collected a great range of kitchen bits and play food for him as a starter set. For ages I've had the intention of buying him an awesome wooden kitchen as his main present this year as he's showing so much interest in it. As a parent to my first born, there are certain presents and experiences that I want to enjoy with my little boy. And seeing his face when he walks down the stairs to a big bow around a brand new kitchen under the Christmas tree was a dream of mine. It may seem silly to some but in my eyes he's my son and any first moments and experiences should be my moment to enjoy, noone elses.
I didn't have the guts to ask her straight out in front of her husband and my husband if it was a kitchen but I know it will be. They are not hard up on cash at all and they buy each of the grandkids something big each year along with a few little gifts each too.
So some may say I should be grateful and yes we are that they spend money on him. But my parents spend money on him too and always consult us about what to get him first.
But we don't have alot of money at all so for us to save up and get him something special like that that we know will be his favourite present is important to us.
How do I now go about bringing it up. Asking her outright if it is the kitchen I've been dying to get him, and then if it is, saying that I want to buy him that and it's been on my list for ages

Just be honest and explain that it's something you've been wanting to do with your son. If you let them take this moment away it will eat away at you every time you play with the kitchen with him.
Be polite but assertive

I'd just get dh to say 'oh I know you said not to buy kitchen stuff but just so you know we are getting him an actual toy kitchen so don't bother with that'. Doesn't have to be confrontational just matter of fact. Just to warn you, you are going to get a lot of people on here say you are ridiculous, it doesn't matter etc but I do get where you are coming from. I have lovely in laws but they do try and do all the firsts themselves, it drives me nuts!

Probably going to be handed my arse for saying this.
Could you not just enjoy your Ds’s pleasure? Does it matter who paid for it? There’ll be other birthdays/Christmases.
Next time get in there early and saw “we have bought xyz”

“Okay we won’t, but just to let you know I’ve already ordered his wooden kitchen. Great if you want to get accessories though thank you”

Just ask them. Say you don't want to end up with two things the same so it would be nice to co ordinate.
If they won't tell you say very clearly "well we have bought him a play kitchen". Then they will just look daft if they give him the same thing.

@CilantroChili

Probably going to be handed my arse for saying this. Could you not just enjoy your Ds’s pleasure? Does it matter who paid for it? There’ll be other birthdays/Christmases. Next time get in there early and saw “we have bought xyz”

Indeed. Your ds won't know or care who paid for it, it's irrelevant. I literally can't understand If you let them take this moment away it will eat away at you every time you play with the kitchen with him. What on earth?!

I would be telling them that they don't get to tell me what I can and can't buy my child. Cheeky buggers!! You buy him what you like. Which present is he going to open first anyway? Yours, so sod them.It will teach them a lesson to be so bloody presumptuous and rude.

What @Frazzledmum123 said. You just pre-empt it by telling them what you are going to get him. In a way it's better that they refused to tell you, so you can just tell them in a matter of fact way. Then you have to be firm if they say that they have already bought it and tell them they will need to return it. I would focus on it being good that you are having the conversation in plenty of time for it to be fixed.

@Bonniegirlie

I would be telling them that they don't get to tell me what I can and can't buy my child. Cheeky buggers!! You buy him what you like. Which present is he going to open first anyway? Yours, so sod them.It will teach them a lesson to be so bloody presumptuous and rude.

For the love of God, how old are you? 🤦‍♀️

Child gets the present. Doesnt matter who it's from and they wont care so i think yabu

@CilantroChili

Probably going to be handed my arse for saying this. Could you not just enjoy your Ds’s pleasure? Does it matter who paid for it? There’ll be other birthdays/Christmases. Next time get in there early and saw “we have bought xyz”

I’m with you on this one. It’s not supposed to be tit for tat. It’s not about top trumping. It’s about celebrating and enjoying.

Who cares if a toddler enjoys a plastic kitchen more than a balancing Nike?

I read it more that the grandparents are hinting they have bought a kitchen but not actually said it. Yes it probably doesn't matter who gives the gift but it would be really annoying if I was the OP and didn't buy the toy kitchen but on Xmas morning discover that the grandparents haven't either despite making all these hints. I never understand all this secrecy over gifts for children. Families should just communicate and co ordinate. Other wise you end up being a load of stuff your kids aren't interested in, or the same toy 3 times or something your child would have really enjoyed having not being given at all.

@CilantroChili no thankyou for your honesty and it is a nice way of looking at it. If you can be like that (and alot of the time I try to be) then great. But I already had in my kind which one I wanted to get him and I know the one they have probably got him won't be anything like it. Which then means I will always want to replace it with the one I know my son will love more but can't cos they will ask where there one is if I do.
Also, like I said, money doesn't come easy to us. And proving we can provide for our son and every once in a while being able to buy him a really awesome gift is important to us. Not for him but for us. To know it came from us is important. To know we saved hard for that.

Tell her you are buying the wooden kitchen no questions.
OTOH it is very nice they see what his interests are and shop to please him.
Don't make a big deal a simple we ordered the kitchen I wouldn't ruin it for any of them by saying more.

I really don’t get why it matters

Or tell them you already have bought it

you have years ahead of different toys and experiences who bought what becomes irrelevant and certainly will be to your ds

Just enjoy this time rather then letting what really won’t matter soon upset you, before you know it they are 13 and grunting at you if you are lucky

@bookmum08 also this. What if I don't get the kitchen now cos I've been told I can't buy anything kitchen related and all theyve got him is a toy toaster 😂

In my experience (bitter experience!) it is not worth fighting. I have in-laws like this, they differ slightly in that I have mentioned I’m, for example, getting dd1 a pushchair (she’s 9 now so this has been going on many, many years)
They then turned up at Christmas with a much bigger, much better pushchair and got all the adoration and praise. In her defence dd1 never remembered who bought it after a couple of days.

I understand and sympathise with wanting to choose and buy the big special present, but really I feel you will be wasting your money and your breath trying to fight this. In later years I managed to preempt it by essentially lying, and saying that “oooh dd1 has got her eye on a lovely dolls house I was thinking of buying her for Xmas” smug in the knowledge that I was buying a balance bike- so your ds will most probably get spoiled to death like mine

Your DS really won’t care about the present giving, he’ll say thank you of course in all the right places but he will remember all the times he plays with it, with you! What DS will pick up on is your sadness and bitterness at them getting this gift, so if you can manage to put that aside for the sake of happy family relations then please do.

Later on in life, try and push them towards buying family attraction tickets if they want to spend a large amount of money (local theme park/ family zoo etc) as this is much more palatable. Your house will get filled up with all the stuff they rain down on your dc- I promise the children don’t care or remember- I’m on the other side!

the one I know my son will love more
How old is he? How on earth can you predict which kitchen he'll "love more"?

Tell them you’ve already ordered a wooden kitchen for his Christmas. If you don’t think they’d get one you’d like then you need to nip it in the bud. I knew I wanted a wooden one for my dd and had to put up with my mum constantly suggesting plastic ones which were nice enough but not what I had in mind. 6 years on and she still loves playing with it although she’s starting to get a wee bit too tall. It’s an Ikea one so it’s fab because you can adjust the height

@Thisismytimetoshine because strangely, he is my son, so believe it or not, after all the hours I spend with him, I actually know what he loves way more than the grandparents that see him for a couple of hours once a week

I feel this is a little petty 😬 your dc gets a decent present from his nan & grandad and your complaining. Be grateful they must think they are spoiling there grandchild and doing you a favour put your money towards something else for your dc I feel like you want to make a mountain out of a mole hill with this and your dc is the one that will lose out 🤔crazy

I know he's your son, but thinking you know which toy kitchen he'd love more is bizarre!

Gosh, we always check with DS and DDIL what to do about my little granddaughter. It’s their child! With my DH’s grandkids we send money because experience has shown me that discussions/suggestions get nowhere.
Honestly, as grandparents we need to back off and respect the parents’s wishes

It doesn’t matter what you buy, who buys it or how much it costs. The DC will always prefer some obscure thing that cost next to nothing and no one can rememberwhere it came fromor who bought it. You are being absolutely ridiculously precious. Find something else to worry about.

It's JULY! They don't get to dictate what you buy in the next six months, never mind what you get him for Christmas!

Tell them that you've already ordered a kitchen so if they've bought a pan set or other accessories, that will be great!