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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to ask the In-Laws not to buy my son something without asking us first

169 replies

SuperDuper333 · 30/07/2020 22:40

So I'm not considering really telling them they have to ask us if they can by our son something. It's more that I wish they would consult us first about what it is they are going to buy him incase we want to buy it ourselves.
They've done it a few times already where they've bought him a present, refusing to tell us what but have told us we can't buy something of a particular sort anymore incase it's the same thing.
Well this time they've really pee'd me off. For the first time ever, they actually told me what they were considering getting him this year. So I thought great. That's fine. I wasn't thinking of getting him anything like that.
But tonight, they've said 'oh by the way, you can't buy him anymore kitchen (play) stuff between now and Christmas.
My little boy loves his little plastic kitchen I bought him and Ive collected a great range of kitchen bits and play food for him as a starter set. For ages I've had the intention of buying him an awesome wooden kitchen as his main present this year as he's showing so much interest in it. As a parent to my first born, there are certain presents and experiences that I want to enjoy with my little boy. And seeing his face when he walks down the stairs to a big bow around a brand new kitchen under the Christmas tree was a dream of mine. It may seem silly to some but in my eyes he's my son and any first moments and experiences should be my moment to enjoy, noone elses.
I didn't have the guts to ask her straight out in front of her husband and my husband if it was a kitchen but I know it will be. They are not hard up on cash at all and they buy each of the grandkids something big each year along with a few little gifts each too.
So some may say I should be grateful and yes we are that they spend money on him. But my parents spend money on him too and always consult us about what to get him first.
But we don't have alot of money at all so for us to save up and get him something special like that that we know will be his favourite present is important to us.
How do I now go about bringing it up. Asking her outright if it is the kitchen I've been dying to get him, and then if it is, saying that I want to buy him that and it's been on my list for ages

OP posts:
Jojo19834 · 31/07/2020 08:43

Yep, just tell them that you have already ordered X and leave it at that. Your child so be grateful they want to buy lovely presents but if it’s something you want to do so much then just get in there and tell them

Jojo19834 · 31/07/2020 08:44

@vikingwife

it may seem silly to some but in my eyes he's my son and any first moments and experiences should be my moment to enjoy, noone elses

What about when he loses his virginity?

What a stupid response, you know what she means
Jeremyironsnothing · 31/07/2020 08:45

Just tell them you've already planned on a specific one so you need to know what they've bought so you don't buy extra bits the same and vice versa. If it clashes ask them to change it as you already have plans.

foolishlyfoolish · 31/07/2020 08:45

YANBU. We've just had this with a scooter for DD, slightly different as I knew what she wanted (same as her friends) and I would've like it to fold so I could get it in the car.

PIL got one they saw as it was on offer and I saw the disappointment in DDs face. She has never said anything but it doesn't get used much.

I wish I'd been more assertive and said we were buying the scooter tbh.

Bananaman123 · 31/07/2020 08:48

Id send them a pic and say look what ive ordered for son, he will love it. If the say oh we got him one just tell them its ok they can keep at thekr house for when he visits.

My mum has NPD and always wants to be supergran which upsets everyone of my siblings

Blackbear19 · 31/07/2020 08:52

I always feel a bit miffed when I read threads like this where parents aren't happy that their kids are being spoilt by their grandparents. I think it strengthens the child and grandparent bond and is really quite lovely.

What about the parent bond, what about the Santa belief, toy kitchen makes me think that the child is of Santa age.

My side like gifts to be under the tree on Christmas morning. ILs want to deliver theirs themselves whenever suits.

They buy stuff not quite right. I wanted to but DC a Mini micro scooter. I stupidly mentioned that we were getting DC a scooter. Next time I saw them "oh you can take the scooter of your list we've got it"
They gave him a scooter that was far too big for him. He ended up with a hand me down mini micro as a stop gap until he was big enough for the one they bought 3 years ago. Hes now ready for a 2 wheeled scooter and has barely used the scooter he was bought. That's one example of many. That drives me nuts and DC has no clue why they have two scooters.

Quartz2208 · 31/07/2020 08:53

First off you need to start feeling able to communicate with them about gifts otherwise its not going to help going forward.

They probably arent trying to take this away from you (and they probably have no idea how much you have gotten yourself caught up in the idea of giving him this) and have seen him play with it and think its a good idea. This is the type of thing that could destroy and fester if you dont handle it now. They have seen him play with it and gone oh yes that would be a good thing to get.

Also just because he loves it now doesnt mean it will last until Christmas. I have been caught out with that many times. So it doesnt mean it will be his favourite present

SchadenfreudePersonified · 31/07/2020 08:54

Could you not just enjoy your Ds’s pleasure? Does it matter who paid for it? There’ll be other birthdays/Christmases.

Seconded.

As far as he's concerned it comes from Santa anyway.

Sheenais · 31/07/2020 08:56

If he is a toddler I doubt he really cares. If he is 20 then yeah you all need to get it together and not overlap. Ridiculous really isn’t it?

rc22 · 31/07/2020 08:59

@Bananaman123 that sounds like a good idea.
I was wondering if you could split the cost of the kitchen with your in laws and then it would be a special present from all of you.

Brefugee · 31/07/2020 09:00

it's a long time between now and Christmas - I'd tell them that you want to get him a kitchen now and if they have one they should either tell you so you can give them the money and take it off their hands and give it to him from you, or they can take theirs back.

It's ridiculous "making" you wait to buy toys for your own child.

It is lovely that they buy things that he likes, though, so be tactful.

Coldspringharbour · 31/07/2020 09:06

@CilantroChili

Probably going to be handed my arse for saying this. Could you not just enjoy your Ds’s pleasure? Does it matter who paid for it? There’ll be other birthdays/Christmases. Next time get in there early and saw “we have bought xyz” Smile
Just what I was going to say. I think you’re being a bit precious OP. I know there are experiences you want him to have with you but your son will have no idea who has bought him what. Can you just not be grateful and happy that your child has doting and generous grandparents. They sound lovely. I think you will sound very petty if you start asking them not to buy certain things because you want to buy them.
Flimflamfloogety · 31/07/2020 09:16

I used to have this problem with my grandmother. She'd go completely over the top every birthday or Christmas leaving nothing for me, or my mum to buy DS. She'd also end up buying loads of shite that DS isn't interested in. Her gift giving was very performative, driven by the assumption that the more money spent = more love.

I now give her a list of stuff she can choose from that DS has explicitly showed an interest in. This usually ends up being books and CDs, and she still gets arsey that they're not 'real' presents and tries to get loads of plastic tat. Anything he doesn't play with I just politely send to her house "as it would be a shame to throw it away". It's taken a while but she's slowly getting the point.

I also make a point of saying "we're getting X" so she knows not to buy it. You have to pick your hill to die on, ours was DS first bike which she wanted to get. I had to put my foot down and say it should be the parents that get this.

JRUIN · 31/07/2020 09:16

What about the parent bond, what about the Santa belief, toy kitchen makes me think that the child is of Santa age.

The parent has far more opportunity to bond than the grandparent. Parents get to take their kids out anytime they want to and can get their joy from sharing outings to the park/zoo etc. Your child won't remember who got them what for their birthdays but they will always remember who they shared fun outings with and who read them their favourite books at night.

formerbabe · 31/07/2020 09:21

You sound a bit pfb....why do you keep saying he's your son...no one's disputing that are they?

Brefugee · 31/07/2020 09:23

i did miss this, however, it may seem silly to some but in my eyes he's my son and any first moments and experiences should be my moment to enjoy, noone elses

I'm guessing that you and DH (or DP) live together? what about his first moments? do you both have to be there on only you, OP?

The first time you experience your child doing something, even if they've done it before, is that shared first experience. And frankly, playing with the right kind of kitchen isn't it.

I do get where you're coming from with the present, and i may have misunderstood that you want to give it to him now but you meant you want to get it for Christmas? Decide if this is the big fight you want to have with the ILs, and do what you think is best. TBH i think this isn't the hill you want to die on.

SlowDown76mph · 31/07/2020 09:24

Just give them a heads-up that you already have plans for kitchen and related stuff for xmas. Ask if they need alternative ideas. Job done. No drama.

Fatted · 31/07/2020 09:27

I couldn't be too precious about it. It's only going to end up on the landfill in a few years anyway when your DC gets bored of it and wants an Xbox or Nintendo to play fortnite online with his friends.

DaphneFanshaw · 31/07/2020 09:29

Op, one day this will be your Son’s child that you're not allowed to buy toys for.
I agree that at Christmas/birthdays it might be worthwhile having a brief conversation about what you will get, just so as not to double up.
I really don’t think this is worth getting wound up about, it’s just a Grandparent buying present for her Grandchild.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 31/07/2020 09:29

just buy what you want ..if he ends up with 2 then they will have to return their gift.Its that easy.If they won;t tell you how are you supposed to know? You are not a mind reader and you don;t need to ask anyones permission to buy anything for your son.Do this a few times then they will realise they have to atleast consult you before they waste their time and energy,Don;t be unreasonable just say oh thank you but we already have one of those sorry your going to be inconvinienced returning it.we could have told you if we had known of your plans but hey ho we didnt!

SoloMummy · 31/07/2020 09:35

@SuperDuper333

So I'm not considering really telling them they have to ask us if they can by our son something. It's more that I wish they would consult us first about what it is they are going to buy him incase we want to buy it ourselves. They've done it a few times already where they've bought him a present, refusing to tell us what but have told us we can't buy something of a particular sort anymore incase it's the same thing. Well this time they've really pee'd me off. For the first time ever, they actually told me what they were considering getting him this year. So I thought great. That's fine. I wasn't thinking of getting him anything like that. But tonight, they've said 'oh by the way, you can't buy him anymore kitchen (play) stuff between now and Christmas. My little boy loves his little plastic kitchen I bought him and Ive collected a great range of kitchen bits and play food for him as a starter set. For ages I've had the intention of buying him an awesome wooden kitchen as his main present this year as he's showing so much interest in it. As a parent to my first born, there are certain presents and experiences that I want to enjoy with my little boy. And seeing his face when he walks down the stairs to a big bow around a brand new kitchen under the Christmas tree was a dream of mine. It may seem silly to some but in my eyes he's my son and any first moments and experiences should be my moment to enjoy, noone elses. I didn't have the guts to ask her straight out in front of her husband and my husband if it was a kitchen but I know it will be. They are not hard up on cash at all and they buy each of the grandkids something big each year along with a few little gifts each too. So some may say I should be grateful and yes we are that they spend money on him. But my parents spend money on him too and always consult us about what to get him first. But we don't have alot of money at all so for us to save up and get him something special like that that we know will be his favourite present is important to us. How do I now go about bringing it up. Asking her outright if it is the kitchen I've been dying to get him, and then if it is, saying that I want to buy him that and it's been on my list for ages
Throughout all of that it was "I". Not a mention of if your husband feels the same way. Then right at the end an "important to us" before it goes back to "my list".

If it's such an issue, you should state so that what you wish to buy is ring fenced. You hadn't. They may or may not have bought a kitchen. You still don't know!

But let's be fair it's July, a lot can change in the world of children's toy preferences between now and December.

I get that you thought you had the perfect gift in mind, but are you going to tell them to take it back? Cause a huge rift, that sounds one sided to you? Or just stew for months to find it isn't even a kitchen?

It seems over invested tbh.

FinnegansWhiskers · 31/07/2020 09:36

My grandson has 3 kitchens. One at his home, one here and one with his other grandparents. Most things I buy for gc stay here because they come to stay often and need toys here too. If their parents mention anything specific they’d like me to buy it stays at their home.

OP if your in laws buy a kitchen for your son just ask them to keep it at their house and allow your DS to go to theirs to play with it.

User87471643901065319 · 31/07/2020 09:46

Why the heck didn't you just say 'Sorry MIL, no can do. We have plans to buy him a particular kitchen'?
Now when you say something, it will be a bigger issue than it would otherwise have been. That is all down to you. If it is important for you to buy certain things, then it is important that you should respond at the time something is said.

You'll now have to apologise for not speaking up and tell her what your plans are. Explain that, as a mum, there are certain things you want to buy. This might be better resolved by you and/or DH buying the bigger, more expensive things and asking others to limit their purchases to a certain value.

DomDoesWotHeWants · 31/07/2020 09:46

@FinnegansWhiskers

My grandson has 3 kitchens. One at his home, one here and one with his other grandparents. Most things I buy for gc stay here because they come to stay often and need toys here too. If their parents mention anything specific they’d like me to buy it stays at their home.

OP if your in laws buy a kitchen for your son just ask them to keep it at their house and allow your DS to go to theirs to play with it.

This sounds like the perfect solution.
Greenhats10 · 31/07/2020 10:02

OP you are absolutely entitled to buy him what you like. Just keep in mind that it's a long time till Christmas and honestly, he might not even like it or develop some other obsessions between now and then. I also have a two and half year old and they change so much when they are little.

Maybe just dont get so hang up about presents - kids have a tendency of changing their minds and not love what we expect them to. I was really pleased to get mine a kitchen last Christmas and honestly, he's not that bothered about it at home but loves it at the nursery. Got him a scooter for his birthday and again not bothered...every other two year old is obsessed with theirs but not mine.....

So you absolutely have the right to buy what you want but dont be too disheartened if his response isn't what you expect it to be. It's not a reflection on you or how you are as a mum. He loves playing in your kitchen because you are there and it's real ..... that's your special moment and no one will take that away from you