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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to ask the In-Laws not to buy my son something without asking us first

169 replies

SuperDuper333 · 30/07/2020 22:40

So I'm not considering really telling them they have to ask us if they can by our son something. It's more that I wish they would consult us first about what it is they are going to buy him incase we want to buy it ourselves.
They've done it a few times already where they've bought him a present, refusing to tell us what but have told us we can't buy something of a particular sort anymore incase it's the same thing.
Well this time they've really pee'd me off. For the first time ever, they actually told me what they were considering getting him this year. So I thought great. That's fine. I wasn't thinking of getting him anything like that.
But tonight, they've said 'oh by the way, you can't buy him anymore kitchen (play) stuff between now and Christmas.
My little boy loves his little plastic kitchen I bought him and Ive collected a great range of kitchen bits and play food for him as a starter set. For ages I've had the intention of buying him an awesome wooden kitchen as his main present this year as he's showing so much interest in it. As a parent to my first born, there are certain presents and experiences that I want to enjoy with my little boy. And seeing his face when he walks down the stairs to a big bow around a brand new kitchen under the Christmas tree was a dream of mine. It may seem silly to some but in my eyes he's my son and any first moments and experiences should be my moment to enjoy, noone elses.
I didn't have the guts to ask her straight out in front of her husband and my husband if it was a kitchen but I know it will be. They are not hard up on cash at all and they buy each of the grandkids something big each year along with a few little gifts each too.
So some may say I should be grateful and yes we are that they spend money on him. But my parents spend money on him too and always consult us about what to get him first.
But we don't have alot of money at all so for us to save up and get him something special like that that we know will be his favourite present is important to us.
How do I now go about bringing it up. Asking her outright if it is the kitchen I've been dying to get him, and then if it is, saying that I want to buy him that and it's been on my list for ages

OP posts:
StatementKnickers · 31/07/2020 10:02

You sound a bit precious but they are the most unreasonable ones for planning Christmas in July! I buy birthday and Christmas gifts for lots of children and I'd always check with the parents what they are getting so as not to overlap. It sounds like the in-laws have clocked that this is an issue for you so have said the thing about not getting any more kitchen stuff as a passive-aggressive dig to remind you that you can't control what they get. No normal person plans/buys presents for very young children 6 months in advance, their interests change more quickly than that.

Lifeisconfusing · 31/07/2020 10:03

I would love it if my in laws took that much pride in buying my children gifts. It doesn’t matter who bought what your son won’t remember anyway.

Koennt · 31/07/2020 10:06

OP, you in-laws sound a bit tiresome, and should communicate better with you (and you should communicate better with them). They are also being extremely unreasonable for thinking about Christmas in July.

However... I think you might need to rein in your own expectations a bit. I know you're imagining a happy, smiley child whose eyes light up as he sees the massive bow tied round his dream kitchen - but I think you might have been watching too many John Lewis adverts.

In my now lengthy experience of Christmas and children, it is very unusual for them all to be a) pleasant; b) grateful; c) smiley; and d) well on Christmas morning. What are you going to do if you do the whole 'special present with bow' thing, and he takes one look at it and says the small child version of 'meh', and spend the whole day playing with a polystyrene plane powered by an elastic band?

Koennt · 31/07/2020 10:08

Crossed with Greenhats, but she's right: what your son really enjoys is the attention from you. The toys that my DC liked best when they were little were the ones which involved me giving them my undivided attention.

CelestialSpanking · 31/07/2020 10:14

I’d tell them that you’ve already got your son a kitchen and accessories and will be giving it to him for Christmas. And don’t back down. They’ll think of something else I’m sure. If they still insist on giving him a kitchen Hmm (because I know of people who do behave that way) it’ll have to live at their house.

Coldspringharbour · 31/07/2020 10:21

[quote SuperDuper333]@Jellycatspyjamas Christ really? It's not being precious. It's called being sentimental. Emotional. Not having a stone for a heart.
Maybe I should have said it abit better. Because it's not about wanting or needing to be the only one who gets to enjoy the moments and denying anyone else in his life those chances.
It's just when I have a choice over something to do with him, I don't think anyone else, apart from his dad, has a right to trump that or take that from us[/quote]
Oh dear, the more you post, the more precious and petty you are sounding. If you’re being this hysterical about a kitchen heaven help you when things really get challenging.

Greenpestopasta · 31/07/2020 10:30

At one point I would have said YABU, but then I had experience of this myself in my own family - my neice wanted a specific Our Generation doll - her aunt on the other side went on about how she was going to get it, the parents needn't bother, it was going to be so special they wanted to be the ones to purchase the doll, blah blah. Meaning that the parents didn't buy the item, but bought the accessories as stocking fillers - only to find on Christmas day that the aunt had bought dn something completely different (cheap tat it was too) she actually had done something similar before, but on a smaller scale, so now they just tell her no

Japa · 31/07/2020 11:18

I really understand where you are coming from, OP. We have had years of issues with the In-laws and present giving. They often try to out do us with their presents to the children. It is a difficult situation to tackle because any comment makes you look ungrateful.

Blackbear19 · 31/07/2020 11:46

Greenpestopasta

Why do people do that to kids? So you end up with a very disappointed child on Christmas day. Sad

My ILs are very bad at doing "alternatives" similar to what's asked for but not quite. Scooter miles too big, skateboard miles too small. It annoys me as it's a waste of money and a waste of a good idea.

The amount of junk brought into this house is crazy. This year I'm going to be very low on ideas so dreading the ILs trying to grab the couple of ideas that I do have.

CoRhona · 31/07/2020 12:02

I just don't get the angst on this at all. Your child will get a lovely gift, he won't really appreciate where it's come from.

We have 3 DS and all grandparents are very generous - the children benefit from having such wonderful GPs, the GPs get pleasure from feeling like they are doing something nice for their GC, and we benefit too as we can either use the money for something even better (a fab day out is always more memorable than a gift) or another gift.

Just let it all wash over you - the only one getting stressed is you.

LannieDuck · 31/07/2020 12:21

The last they mentioned of it was a few weeks ago when they said they had decided they were going to get him a little motorised car.

You could use this and say that they should be aware you've pre-ordered a kitchen for him. You didn't think it would cause any issues since they said they'd be getting him a motorised car.

OverTheRainbow88 · 31/07/2020 12:25

I would say thank you and think of the money saved

DarcyParty · 31/07/2020 12:45

A kitchen is quite a big thing that'll have in your house for a few years (and possibly a few dc) so yanu for wanting to choose what it looks like.

And ofc you'll know what your DC will enjoy playing with!

OverTheRainbow88 · 31/07/2020 12:59

You could ask them to keep it at their house so when your dc goes to visit can play with it there. I do that when my parents guy my DCs something big/ugly/loud

OverTheRainbow88 · 31/07/2020 13:02

However... I think you might need to rein in your own expectations a bit. I know you're imagining a happy, smiley child whose eyes light up as he sees the massive bow tied round his dream kitchen - but I think you might have been watching too many John Lewis adverts.

In my now lengthy experience of Christmas and children, it is very unusual for them all to be a) pleasant; b) grateful; c) smiley; and d) well on Christmas morning. What are you going to do if you do the whole 'special present with bow' thing, and he takes one look at it and says the small child version of 'meh', and spend the whole day playing with a polystyrene plane powered by an elastic band?

Hahaha and yes amen to this

blanche85 · 31/07/2020 13:05

Communication is the key.

Just communicate.

Say you're getting the kitchen. End of 'problem

Be an adult...don't cause drama...

Communicate

winewolfhowls · 31/07/2020 13:28

My mil is awful for this, at first I thought she meant well but now I think she is trying to somehow beat us and buy more and more expensive presents than we can afford. We told her just one big present and one sack at Christmas because they buy bags and bags and they basically said they would do what they want. Guess what, I see them as little as possible because I don't want my kids to be grabby and spoiled people. Plus I do think it's one of your parental perks to buy the cool presents, after all you do all the hard times.

OverTheRainbow88 · 31/07/2020 13:36

Wow! I find this really odd! I wouldn’t want to take away a nice present from
My kids so I could get the glory. I get the glory everyday when the kids and cuddle me and say they love Me, not through giving presents! And funny how it’s all the mil getting the beef for this!!

Soontobe60 · 31/07/2020 13:50

[quote SuperDuper333]@Thisismytimetoshine because strangely, he is my son, so believe it or not, after all the hours I spend with him, I actually know what he loves way more than the grandparents that see him for a couple of hours once a week[/quote]
Your son will most likely like he things you like, because you'll have shown pleasure at seeing those things. I have a 2yr old grandchild. My DD liaises with us, her in laws and her sister to plan what we'll all get him for his birthday or Christmas. She did the same when he was born. If she wants something specific, she'll send us a link. It's easy!

OP, just ask your mil what she's planning on getting him, then you can send her a link and save your money 🤣. Your child really won't be arsed who bought him the kitchen! (My dgs stores his zoo animals n his toy kitchen, and uses the pans etc to dig up the garden! He loved the kitchen for about 5 minutes)

Goatinthegarden · 31/07/2020 14:00

Regardless of who buys what, o don’t understand why you didn’t just say ‘oh can you please tell us what you are planning to buy? We have already set our hearts on buying a specific kitchen for DS this year’.

Then they can either say ‘oh we planned on getting him a toaster’. In which case great that’ll go perfectly.

Or they might say ‘Oh we had picked a different kitchen.’ In which case, you say politely but bluntly, ah we’d picked this one because.....

Or they might say, ‘Ah yes, that’s the one we have got.’ In which case, you think to yourself, ‘fantastic, it is an expensive gift that I no longer have to save up for, how lucky my child is to be getting lovely things from his grandparents’.

Communication is a wonderful thing.

Blackbear19 · 31/07/2020 14:00

OvertheRainbow, its not a nice present if it's wrong size, doesn't fit Ops house, too big too small for child, a friend was landed with a bright pink plastic one when she wanted a more sedate wooden one.

I can't decide what makes GPs act like this, is they want to boast to friends? They don't quite realise that things like kitchens need to be left out after kids have gone to bed.

notanothertakeaway · 31/07/2020 14:02

oh by the way, you can't buy him anymore kitchen (play) stuff between now and Christmas

Stuff that, buy what you like. Wouldn't be the end of the world if he had two toy kitchens

Jellycatspyjamas · 31/07/2020 14:03

I can't decide what makes GPs act like this, is they want to boast to friends?

Or maybe they want to buy the grandchild that they love a present they think he’ll really enjoy?

Sammilouwho · 31/07/2020 14:08

Totally understand, I have in laws like this. This year for her birthday it was like they'd walked into a shop and just picked random things up in the toy aisle (a doll and make up for a little girl who hates dolls and loves dinosaurs and Lego and construction), I think my MIL saw how upset I was and has already said she will wait for a list for Christmas.
So yeah my advise would be to tell her youve already got a kitchen so you hope she hasn't spent money on one and then give her a list on somewhere like Amazon.

CaptainCabinets · 31/07/2020 14:08

[quote SuperDuper333]@CilantroChili no thankyou for your honesty and it is a nice way of looking at it. If you can be like that (and alot of the time I try to be) then great. But I already had in my kind which one I wanted to get him and I know the one they have probably got him won't be anything like it. Which then means I will always want to replace it with the one I know my son will love more but can't cos they will ask where there one is if I do.
Also, like I said, money doesn't come easy to us. And proving we can provide for our son and every once in a while being able to buy him a really awesome gift is important to us. Not for him but for us. To know it came from us is important. To know we saved hard for that.[/quote]
What a load of melodramatic nonsense. You’re using your son as a pawn to point-score against his grandparents and ‘prove’ that you love your son more than they do and know him better than they do.

Your whole post is nothing to do with your son; it’s all about you and your own validation. Your toddler son honestly will not care that you got him a kitchen (he probably won’t even be arsed about kitchens in six months, and let’s not pretend that a toddler would prefer a wooden kitchen when he already has an all-singing, all-dancing plastic tat kitchen; the wooden kitchen is entirely for you Wink)

And what’s with the martyrdom around scrimping and saving, acting like you’ll all be sitting around in the dark eating stale bread with holes in your socks until Christmas just so your son can have a new kitchen? He’s not Tiny Tim and once again it all boils down to you and your obsession with ‘proving’ yourself. If you cannot comfortably afford it, let them buy it.