To want to ask the In-Laws not to buy my son something without asking us first

[SuperDuper333]

So I'm not considering really telling them they have to ask us if they can by our son something. It's more that I wish they would consult us first about what it is they are going to buy him incase we want to buy it ourselves.
They've done it a few times already where they've bought him a present, refusing to tell us what but have told us we can't buy something of a particular sort anymore incase it's the same thing.
Well this time they've really pee'd me off. For the first time ever, they actually told me what they were considering getting him this year. So I thought great. That's fine. I wasn't thinking of getting him anything like that.
But tonight, they've said 'oh by the way, you can't buy him anymore kitchen (play) stuff between now and Christmas.
My little boy loves his little plastic kitchen I bought him and Ive collected a great range of kitchen bits and play food for him as a starter set. For ages I've had the intention of buying him an awesome wooden kitchen as his main present this year as he's showing so much interest in it. As a parent to my first born, there are certain presents and experiences that I want to enjoy with my little boy. And seeing his face when he walks down the stairs to a big bow around a brand new kitchen under the Christmas tree was a dream of mine. It may seem silly to some but in my eyes he's my son and any first moments and experiences should be my moment to enjoy, noone elses.
I didn't have the guts to ask her straight out in front of her husband and my husband if it was a kitchen but I know it will be. They are not hard up on cash at all and they buy each of the grandkids something big each year along with a few little gifts each too.
So some may say I should be grateful and yes we are that they spend money on him. But my parents spend money on him too and always consult us about what to get him first.
But we don't have alot of money at all so for us to save up and get him something special like that that we know will be his favourite present is important to us.
How do I now go about bringing it up. Asking her outright if it is the kitchen I've been dying to get him, and then if it is, saying that I want to buy him that and it's been on my list for ages

Or maybe they want to buy the grandchild that they love a present they think he’ll really enjoy?

Yes!!! Can’t wait for all those moaning about GPS wanting to buy gifts to be loving GPs wanting to do the same.

My parents got my son his fav present ever which I suggested the get and am so happy for him that he got it, rather than feeling sad I wasn’t the one to buy it from.

You’d be moaning even more if they didn’t get anything!!

Maybe I’m Sensitive to this topic because my mil doesn’t give anything... Not even her time, maybe a 2 hour slot twice a year!!

It may seem silly to some but in my eyes he's my son and any first moments and experiences should be my moment to enjoy, noone elses. Well I assumed you were a single parent given this statement but then you mention a husband. Is he not the child's father?

You're being overly prescious I'm general but if it's something like this where you specifically know you're going to buy X then I'd say "oh well I hope it isn't X, we've got the perfect one on order. Or I guess he could have one here to at with too?"

But where's the limit? His first book, his first Thomas the tank book, his first Thomas the Tank book where he meets the bus? His first shoes, his first black shoes, his first ACL shoes with laces. There's a million firsts, you can't have them all

Look up mid kitchen for outside - and buy one for their house

[quote SuperDuper333]@WhatOnEarth67 Thankyou so much for taking the time to read and understand my point exactly.
I know he isn't going to remember who bought it. It's for me to know that I saved hard and bought it for him.
As a mum who continually doubts whether she is doing a good enough job, which I'm sure loads of mum's can relate too after tantrums and screaming matches and because in-laws have actaully been caught saying that I'm not, when I save that money and see the smile on his face, I know I'm the one that out it there[/quote]
I think this is a perfectly normal and reasonable way to feel. It is also perfectly normal for a grandparent to want to give their grandchildren nice presents.

I’m not a grandparent yet, but when I am, I will remember that I have had my turn being a parent, and whilst I will love spoiling my grandchildren, my pleasure shouldn’t (and won’t) come at the cost of overstepping the boundaries with my dses and their spouses.

I don’t think that respecting the parents of your grandchildren means you never get to buy them anything special. My wonderful, much-missed mother-in-law once saved up what she would have spent on two Christmases and two lots of birthdays to buy the boys a climbing frame with a tent - she discussed it with us first, and I know that, if we’d been planning to get something similar, she would have got them something different, so I never felt she was overstepping.

It was a wonderful present, and gave the boys endless hours of fun until they outgrew it.

One thought, @SuperDuper333 - is there space in your garden for a mud kitchen? If so, could you ask your MIL to get that, and you get the one you want for indoors? Apologies if this is a daft suggestion.

Sorry - I see that previous posters had already suggested a mud kitchen - serves me right for just skimming the thread before replying!

As a mum of grown up children in my experience they don’t care about who bought them the present, they only care about who plays with them with their new toy.
Haven’t we all had scenes where are children are surrounded by wonderful new toys and they are playing with the box or some 99p tat?

You need to stop telling them what you plan to buy or you keep the toys that they buy at their house and the toys that you buy at yours.

In my experience kids don't care if mummy or granny bought the kitchen but if other firsts are important to you eg first bike then keep schtum.

Just be honest. It wouldn't bother me though. My parents do this all the time. As long as my boys are happy, it doesn't matter to me who bought it.

It can still be under the tree with a big bow. He wont know or care who bought him it. You can spend your money on something else he will enjoy and use. You can still experience his excitement and happiness for the present. I dont get it.

I think you need to ask yourself OP why the thought of your child getting huge enjoyment from a toy that your PIL have bought riles you so much. I agree with @CaptainCabinets, and other PPs - unnecessary martyrdom with your investing your life's savings in a toy for your son is a melodramatic and strange. Your whole post is about your own validation, not your son's happiness.

Here's an option: show the kitchen you want to your PIL and say, "DS would really love this if you can stretch to this please for his Christmas present." Im sure they'd be only too happy to oblige, DS gets the toy you want him to have, and you're not bereft of your savings. Win win.

Just say great he can leave that one at your house as his real one will be here?

It can still be under the tree with a big bow. He wont know or care who bought him it

How does that work if ILs want to have the gift over themselves, bring it round later in the day, or couple of days later if they are away visiting elsewhere?

The idea of "leave it at ILs" is actually quite rude esp for a big present. I can understand the logic if GPs are providing child care but for kids who only visit GP a couple of hours a week it's a bit of a waste.

I tried it with a book, who needs two copies of the same book, MIL refused just give it to the next party you go to.

Your little boy has a plastic kitchen and loves it - Christmas is four months away - he may well not be obsessed with a new kitchen at Christmas. Even if it might be ‘fancier’ - it’s the same old, same old. PUtting clothes into a toy washing machine won’t be as exciting as the real thing.

Particularly with young children, what we think is going to be the best gift ever, often times is not looked at.

Let your in laws proceed with the kitchen stuff and get your son something else, something different - think ahead to what he might enjoy in six months time - has he a tricycle or bicycle ?

I don't think this is so much about the kitchen, but perhaps being told you're not 'allowed' to buy anything kitchen play related. That's what would pee me off.

Having said that, I get annoyed when MIL asks what to buy DC & I spend time compiling a list for her & she ignores it completely & buys what SIL, who never sees my kids, tells her to buy!!

A present is a present. Who cares who bought and paid for it - certainly not the child. It's almost like parents think their child will love them less because grandma bought the 'big' present instead of them, totally ridiculous.

And if you both end up buying the same thing you can just return one. If you were buying a specific kitchen that means so much to you then why wouldn't you tell people that's what you are getting and not to buy the same?

All this angst about toys that will be discarded fairly quickly is just silly.

I believe that if we want to get him a God damn kitchen for Christmas, then we should be able too. Without having to justify that to anyone or having to buy it on flipping July cos his grandparents can't just ask us

Well just tell them? What's the problem here? They have mentioned Christmas and hinted at what they are buying. You want to buy it, so just tell them - why all the drama

I think people are still missing the point that the grandparents haven't actually said they ARE buying a toy kitchen. They have just made vague hints.
Yes maybe it doesn't matter who buys it - but present planning is so much easier if you actually know what is being bought.

they've said 'oh by the way, you can't buy him anymore kitchen (play) stuff between now and Christmas

What?? Are you letting them tell you what you can and cannot buy your son?

How about you just reply along the lines of "i'd rather you just told me what you plan to buy him as i have my own ideas - and we don't want to double up now do we????"

He's your child, of course you want to enjoy special 'firsts' with him -doesn't matter how many kids you have.
No, he isn't going to remember who got him what - but that's the whole point of 'first moments' - it's for the parents.

...and these grandparents are being sly and devious and deliberately trying to manipulate your 'firsts' and any other 'just us' thing you might do in future.