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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to ask the In-Laws not to buy my son something without asking us first

169 replies

SuperDuper333 · 30/07/2020 22:40

So I'm not considering really telling them they have to ask us if they can by our son something. It's more that I wish they would consult us first about what it is they are going to buy him incase we want to buy it ourselves.
They've done it a few times already where they've bought him a present, refusing to tell us what but have told us we can't buy something of a particular sort anymore incase it's the same thing.
Well this time they've really pee'd me off. For the first time ever, they actually told me what they were considering getting him this year. So I thought great. That's fine. I wasn't thinking of getting him anything like that.
But tonight, they've said 'oh by the way, you can't buy him anymore kitchen (play) stuff between now and Christmas.
My little boy loves his little plastic kitchen I bought him and Ive collected a great range of kitchen bits and play food for him as a starter set. For ages I've had the intention of buying him an awesome wooden kitchen as his main present this year as he's showing so much interest in it. As a parent to my first born, there are certain presents and experiences that I want to enjoy with my little boy. And seeing his face when he walks down the stairs to a big bow around a brand new kitchen under the Christmas tree was a dream of mine. It may seem silly to some but in my eyes he's my son and any first moments and experiences should be my moment to enjoy, noone elses.
I didn't have the guts to ask her straight out in front of her husband and my husband if it was a kitchen but I know it will be. They are not hard up on cash at all and they buy each of the grandkids something big each year along with a few little gifts each too.
So some may say I should be grateful and yes we are that they spend money on him. But my parents spend money on him too and always consult us about what to get him first.
But we don't have alot of money at all so for us to save up and get him something special like that that we know will be his favourite present is important to us.
How do I now go about bringing it up. Asking her outright if it is the kitchen I've been dying to get him, and then if it is, saying that I want to buy him that and it's been on my list for ages

OP posts:
WhatOnEarth67 · 30/07/2020 23:24

I think people are being deliberately harsh here, as usual.

OP, I totally see your point and I would be very upset myself. It’s not about wanting to trump anyone else, it’s about wanting to be the one who made your child so happy. Of course, regardless the child’s happiness is what matters, but this is clearly a special thing for the two of you, and I feel you should be able to give this gift. Also, as someone who also struggles with money but has rich in-laws (and I’m talking millions), working hard to save up for something like this gift is so much more special, and the fact you want to do that shows how much you love your son, compared to someone who can just go out and buy it. I think you should tell them that you are buying it, and do not allow them to argue with you. I completely see how special this is for you, and it’s upsetting that that would be taken away from you.

FortniteBoysMum · 30/07/2020 23:24

Tell her a little lie.... That you have already bought him a kitchen it's stored in the loft or at your mums house. Say you meant to mention it when she said but felt awkward too as you thought they would check before getting anything. You cannot find your receipt so it's not possible for you to return your item as you paid cash. OK its a lie but she will not know and will hopefully check in future.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 30/07/2020 23:30

I think you just need to be upfront with her - as a previous poster suggests:

“MIL - just to let you know, dh and I are buying ds a toy kitchen for Christmas. It means a lot to me to get it for him, and if you’d like to buy him some stuff to go with it, that would be great”.

And if she repeats the line about not buying any more kitchen stuff, say something like, “Sorry - but our decision is final - we are getting him his toy kitchen. I really hope you can respect that”.

k1233 · 30/07/2020 23:32

I agree with the above. Just say great, I've ordered him a fantastic wooden kitchen, so accessories will go wonderfully with that. Let them return their purchase if it's the same as yours.

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 30/07/2020 23:32

In my opinion its really not worth it and i think you are being petty .

Secondly in my experience, many children prefer the brighter plastic toy kitchens... not the toy wooden ones that we adults prefer .

Original poster
SuperDuper333 · 30/07/2020 23:41

@WhatOnEarth67 Thankyou so much for taking the time to read and understand my point exactly.
I know he isn't going to remember who bought it. It's for me to know that I saved hard and bought it for him.
As a mum who continually doubts whether she is doing a good enough job, which I'm sure loads of mum's can relate too after tantrums and screaming matches and because in-laws have actaully been caught saying that I'm not, when I save that money and see the smile on his face, I know I'm the one that out it there

OP posts:
gamerchick · 30/07/2020 23:43

Just go with your plan OP. If they've bought him one then it can live in their house.

BumbleBeee69 · 30/07/2020 23:43

It's YOUR kid.. buy him what you like... if they buy the same tough... then he has two... nobody would be telling me 'not to buy my child whatever for the next 5 months' in case I bought the same as them.. FUCK OFF

seperatedmummy · 30/07/2020 23:45

I had this with my in laws who bought all the things I wanted to. If I had my time again I would say no I was buying it especially as they wanted the things back to give to other grandchildren!

Original poster
SuperDuper333 · 30/07/2020 23:48

@Thisismytimetoshine because which toy kitchen do you know is exactly the same as another.
I might know that my son has an obsession with helping me load and unload the washing machine. Some toy kitchens do and don't have one.
I might know that my son really enjoys the noises that a toy kitchen makes. From the sound of the hob cooking and a kettle boiling and pretending it's real. Some do and don't have these.
I might know that my son loves more then anything all the little different cupboards and draws they might come with, because he likes to hide things and pretends to neatly tidy everything away. Some o oy come with one cupboard. If you don't notice these things about your child then get help

OP posts:
Jellycatspyjamas · 30/07/2020 23:49

It may seem silly to some but in my eyes he's my son and any first moments and experiences should be my moment to enjoy, noone elses.

That’s ridiculous - unless you plan to be with him 24/7 for the next 5 years there are going to be firsts and moments that you miss. What about his dad, does he get to enjoy any firsts and moments that are yours to enjoy “and no one else’s”. What about your parents, siblings, friends who play a key role in your child’s life, do they not get to enjoy those moments too?

If you want to buy him the kitchen, buy him it and tell your in-laws that whatever they’ve bought will go beautifully with the lovely new kitchen, thank you. At the moment you don’t even know what they’ve bought, so you got this whole scenario built up from nothing. Ask them what they’ve bought, and buy him what you want. The loveliest, most memorable moments with my kids have invariably been the spontaneous, unplanned ones - in my case the kids would probably play with the box that the perfectly lovely wooden kitchen came in 🤦‍♀️

GrumpyHoonMain · 30/07/2020 23:50

@CilantroChili

Probably going to be handed my arse for saying this. Could you not just enjoy your Ds’s pleasure? Does it matter who paid for it? There’ll be other birthdays/Christmases. Next time get in there early and saw “we have bought xyz” Smile
This.

Your son won’t care who bought the gift but you will be the one who sees him enjoy it.

Thisismytimetoshine · 30/07/2020 23:52

If you don't notice these things about your child then get help
Well, aren't you a ridiculous little madam! Get a bloody grip of yourself, fgs.

Original poster
SuperDuper333 · 30/07/2020 23:56

@Thisismytimetoshine it's ridiculous that you would ask me why I think I would know what toy my son would like to play with. Why wouldn't i!????

OP posts:
JenandFlo · 30/07/2020 23:59

My DS’ granny takes little or no interest in buying him presents (unless her friends are watching). I think it’s wonderful that your DS has grandparents who love him and want to spoil him.

cocklingfree · 30/07/2020 23:59

"Not for him but for us. To know it came from us is important. To know we saved hard for that."

If you have to save hard for it then let them buy it! You're being ridiculously PFB. He'll never know or remember and it really doesn't matter!

It's just a toy kitchen

Thisismytimetoshine · 31/07/2020 00:01

Why? See Jellycat's post... Nobody's suggesting you don't know your child's interests, but assuming he'd prefer the one you've picked over the one they... haven't (!) is daft.

Catsup · 31/07/2020 00:05

One Christmas I spent a bomb on a lovely big wooden scandi style dolls house with the added furniture packs, peg people. It was very tasteful, educational, and eco friendly (lots of self back patting 😁). My friend who had no idea about it rocked up with a lurid plastic dolls house with a button you pressed and a ding dong/dog bark... Guess which now adult DC can still remember 😂 It's lovely to buy the 'big gift' and especially if it involves saving up. But you can pretty much guarantee the chances your awesome thoughtful gift will often be trumped by a bloody recorder or similar.

Original poster
SuperDuper333 · 31/07/2020 00:05

@Thisismytimetoshine no you're right. I don't know if it actually is even that but I'm 99% sure it is. Judging by their previous purchases.
Which is why in my original post I was asking how I go about asking if it is or if I even should. And if it is, how I go about telling her that it's something I wanted to buy him.

OP posts:
OhTheRoses · 31/07/2020 00:06

Hmm. DS is 25 now. I still remember how cross I was when MIL and FIL said they'd wait until the sales to get his Christmas and birthday present. On 27th Dec they carried a ride on plastic tractor back from the ELC - reduced to £7 as a combined Xmas and birthday present. His birthday is 25th December! Fancy swapping ?

gently whispers

Original poster
SuperDuper333 · 31/07/2020 00:07

@Catsup this could be totally true. It happens and it could happen to us. But judging by my son's Interest in the one he has now, I don't believe so. And I'm not not going to buy him amazing things that I think he will love just incase he actually doesnt

OP posts:
YgritteSnow · 31/07/2020 00:07

I agree with you completely OP. This thread belongs on the MN vs RL thread.

MN: don't be ridiculous, your son won't know or care who got what or which kitchen and any kitchen will do! Get over yourself, pathetic!

RL: oh I saw that one too, it's lovely! He will love it won't he? I'd want to be the one to give it to my kid too. Just tell in laws you've already got the one he likes and can they get some accessories for it. Sorted.

Tell her OP. You're not wrong here, not one bit.

Original poster
SuperDuper333 · 31/07/2020 00:10

@YgritteSnow you're amazing 😂 this is so true. I knew there was a reason why I stopped coming on here so much 😂

OP posts:
BlingLoving · 31/07/2020 00:14

I think the problem here is that neither of you want to tell the other one re big presents. To be fair, I can totally see why you haven't mentioned his christmas present in july but overall, I tend to take the approach that if you have family you who know are likely to step in, the trick is to get in first, "MIL, not sure if you've thought about christmas yet, but I'm getting DS a lovely new kitchen. Just wanted to let you know so he doesn't land up with two." Then if she wants to buy something else you don't care as you've got to give him what you wanted to give him.

Gets more complicated if she then fights you on that - like the weird experience where I mentioned to MIL that we had to do a secret trip to store to pick up DS' new bike and she nearly had a meltdown because SHE wanted to be the one to buy a bike for him (not that she'd EVER mentioned this to me and in fact it came up because she asked me if I had ideas for DS' birthday...) and couldn't understand why I wouldn't just let her give me the money and then go find something else for him to come from us. Sigh.

Blackbear19 · 31/07/2020 00:16

Op I'm with you although I can't believe that you are discussing Christmas with family in July and that's coming from someone who starts my Christmas list in January.

But yes it does annoy when the ILs try to nap my best ideas and then they get something not quite right, or they bring in 2 days after Christmas.

I try to avoid telling them what kids really want and point them in the direction of something the kids need / want but not something kids are desperate for or they've asked Santa for.