To want to ask the In-Laws not to buy my son something without asking us first

[SuperDuper333]

So I'm not considering really telling them they have to ask us if they can by our son something. It's more that I wish they would consult us first about what it is they are going to buy him incase we want to buy it ourselves.
They've done it a few times already where they've bought him a present, refusing to tell us what but have told us we can't buy something of a particular sort anymore incase it's the same thing.
Well this time they've really pee'd me off. For the first time ever, they actually told me what they were considering getting him this year. So I thought great. That's fine. I wasn't thinking of getting him anything like that.
But tonight, they've said 'oh by the way, you can't buy him anymore kitchen (play) stuff between now and Christmas.
My little boy loves his little plastic kitchen I bought him and Ive collected a great range of kitchen bits and play food for him as a starter set. For ages I've had the intention of buying him an awesome wooden kitchen as his main present this year as he's showing so much interest in it. As a parent to my first born, there are certain presents and experiences that I want to enjoy with my little boy. And seeing his face when he walks down the stairs to a big bow around a brand new kitchen under the Christmas tree was a dream of mine. It may seem silly to some but in my eyes he's my son and any first moments and experiences should be my moment to enjoy, noone elses.
I didn't have the guts to ask her straight out in front of her husband and my husband if it was a kitchen but I know it will be. They are not hard up on cash at all and they buy each of the grandkids something big each year along with a few little gifts each too.
So some may say I should be grateful and yes we are that they spend money on him. But my parents spend money on him too and always consult us about what to get him first.
But we don't have alot of money at all so for us to save up and get him something special like that that we know will be his favourite present is important to us.
How do I now go about bringing it up. Asking her outright if it is the kitchen I've been dying to get him, and then if it is, saying that I want to buy him that and it's been on my list for ages

He has a plastic kitchen that he loves. He doesn't need another wooden one. Let alone two new wooden ones!

I’m guessing this child is 2-3. They won’t care who bought what, And they may or may not prefer it to the old toy and they may or may not love it in 6 months time, so it’s not about the child is it?
I can’t understand why the OP just doesn’t talk to the in laws about this as it bugs her so much.

I completely understand this. I was very lucky that my PIL and parents both asked what they could buy the children for Christmas.

But I saw how gutting it was recently for my sister. In the real world a lot of parents struggle for money meaning that presents are carefully thought out and saved for. But cue her MIL giving the most ridiculously expensive and slightly too old presents to my nephew. It would have been something they would have bought him in maybe a years time. So not only can he not play with it safely, it is absolutely huge and not something you can pop in the loft.

It doesn't just happen at Christmas and birthdays either, it is all. the. time. It screams we have more money than you and we will make everything about us.

I think Grandparents had their time buying the main Christmas/birthday presents for their own children. They take their cues now from the parents of their grandchild. ie we also bought a kitchen for Ds1 for Christmas. My parents and PIL bought either stuff for the kitchen or other things entirely.

She doesn't get to dictate what you buy for your own child. I am assuming as you are getting a kitchen your child is little. Get your Dh to establish those boundaries now.

I also agree this is MN vs RL. I have been on MN for a very long time, AIBU has changed. A lot over the years. Now it feels deliberately argumentative.

Part of me thinks you could accept the gift... But then also I do think its rude to buy a very large gift for children without checking the parents are OK with it first. What if you didn't have space for it?

I’m a granny and I don’t think you are BU at all, OP. Sounds to me like very childish behaviour from your ILs. I wouldn’t dream of buying any big present like a kitchen or a bike, without consulting dd first, and if she and SiL had the same idea I’d think of something else. I nearly always ask her anyway what she thinks Gdcs would like.

To be fair, I wouldn’t care who bought what. kids at that age don’t care either. He wants a playkitchen, and ge gets one. awesome. he doesn’t care who bought it.
put the money in a savings account for him - he will care about that when he’s older, much more than about a long forgotten play kitchen.

they shoudl totally check with you first.

Bad : “Don’t buy X, for Christmas, we’re getting them that”

Good : “We were thinking of getting them X for Christmas - does that clash with anythign you were thinking of?”

Or, if you want to give him a kitchen , get a nice mud kitchen for outside . You will then have a well loved mud kitchen outside, and an inside kitchen that will likely oy be played with during winter. win-win

Speak to her and say what you're thinking of buying him. Don't be scared to have a conversation with her

Just tell them that you are going to get him a particular wooden kitchen "and stuff" so if that's what they've got already could they please take it back and get him something else. You do get first dibs on a present like that - tell them you've been putting money aside for it since February or something and been in contact with the supplier/manufacturer/shop for a few weeks......

One at your house, one at theirs?

Is @Thisismytimetoshine the MIL? "Little madam" 😂😂

Of course the OP knows what toys her child would like. At the very least, she'll know the sort of games they were envisioning playing together (and explained it very well in her post about functions).

OP, I understand what you're saying. They're not little for long and it's nice to buy the well-loved toys that you'll see everyday.

Also, these things are huge, so it's nice to be able to choose a non-hideous one that's a good size for your house and does all the little things that you want it to do.

When they're older it won't matter so much if PIL double up or dictate the bigger ticket items as there tends to be more than one. But for now, they shouldn't dictate and let the parents have their turn in choosing Christmas presents. Am assuming they got their chance when DH was small.

We have a similar situation, OH DS lives with his mum but also spends a lot of his time with OH parents, complicated situation, courts involved, shared custody with DS mum due to her lifestyle and lack of care, DS has had a hard time due to this.
GP's feel sorry for DS so shower him with presents, if we mention we are buying him something they will get in first and buy the item, they have also told him when we have bought him expensive gifts, playstation, bike etc, we think they do this as DS then thanks them as if it's their present to give, feels like a bit of competition, like we cant be allowed to give gifts and take the glory for them iyswim.
DS is 15 now and despite constantly asking them to liaise with us they refuse. We cant tell them what we buy cos they will spill the beans.
I would say it nicely as PP say, ask them to liaise with you and definitely say that you have already bought the kitchen, be firm and if they buy him one sell it on Ebay.
Hope you have more luck than we've had

Yawn! Open mouth, start conversation: 'btw just to let you know we are planning on getting xyz kitchen for Xmas this year. Just letting you know so we don't double up'. Issue over. No drama!

Ok I can see both sides here. If you want to control what they buy your DS then you need to say something like 'we thought we would buy him a wooden kitchen this year and have been saving up! But he's been talking about a toy fire engine set he saw as well as this great new Lego character.

Make out like you'd already decided on it (which you had I think) before they spoke to you.' Too bad if they got one, next year they wil check. But nicely with ideas of good alternatives if they say anything!

A sister in law wanted me to buy my niece some clothing one year - as in everyday clothing! She got a large nerf gun (loves that stuff)

Last year my other sis in law who always gives me a choice of things they have asked for was there and told me my neice wanted roller skates (several brands I chose the coolest) so I got her those.

You can be generous of spriit witkout diminishing your own position. Just start the conversation early..Telling them what you're buying and giving them suggestions before they think about it.

They are clearly very organised! With time on their hands 😉

Probably going to be handed my arse for saying this.
Could you not just enjoy your Ds’s pleasure? Does it matter who paid for it? There’ll be other birthdays/Christmases.
Next time get in there early and saw “we have bought xyz”

This. My kid's grandparents used to just give me a bit of money to buy something for them when they were little (gave it directly to them when older), no thought in it whatsover, so I always feel a bit miffed when I read threads like this where parents aren't happy that their kids are being spoilt by their grandparents. I think it strengthens the child and grandparent bond and is really quite lovely.

It’s July!

I don't get why the in laws can't just bloody tell you what they want to buy. It's not like it's for you. Telling you not to buy certain toys is ridiculous. You're the parent, of course you want to buy them their best present, so I don't think you're being unreasonable.

Now I’ve got over talk of Christmas in July!
If this was me I’d say, no we’re getting that. You’re the parents.

it may seem silly to some but in my eyes he's my son and any first moments and experiences should be my moment to enjoy, noone elses
This is where you lost me too.

Tbh I understand where you are coming from and I would have said at the time, don’t get a play kitchen because that’s what we are getting him.
If it really means that much to you, tell them. “PiL it’s just struck me that you may have been thinking about buying a kitchen for DC. I’ve actually seen a great one that I know he’ll really like so let me get that and maybe you could get him some that I know he’ll love too”.
If they push back just tell them it means a lot you.
Wouldn’t surprise me though if your child is into something completely different by December and you might be grateful they are getting him the kitchen as there might be something else he’d love more by then.

I totally get it OP. My parents came to visit us from abroad and they brought a scooter with them for Christmas they hadn't told us about. There was no way of returning it. I was so sad because I had spent ages researching them and picking one out but I returned my order to not upset them. DS likes the scooter fine but it's not great quality.

I agree with the others just tell them you've already ordered a kitchen! Or tell them which one you want them to buy. Best to be straightforward so you don't have any regrets. Or maybe suggest something else significant for them to buy - like a scooter. 😁 But tell them which one you want first!

Buy your child whatever you want.
Tell them to keep receipts as theirs will be going back if it’s the same.

@JRUIN

Probably going to be handed my arse for saying this. Could you not just enjoy your Ds’s pleasure? Does it matter who paid for it? There’ll be other birthdays/Christmases. Next time get in there early and saw “we have bought xyz”

This. My kid's grandparents used to just give me a bit of money to buy something for them when they were little (gave it directly to them when older), no thought in it whatsover, so I always feel a bit miffed when I read threads like this where parents aren't happy that their kids are being spoilt by their grandparents. I think it strengthens the child and grandparent bond and is really quite lovely.

I tend to agree. My in laws aren’t remotely fussed about my kids. They’ll send them “the” amount of money they send all the others, but that’s the only thought that goes into it. They’ve seen them twice in two years: don’t know what they’re into, what they like etc.

That said - if it’s pissing you off, try to have a (constructive) word with them. Along the lines of “so lovely you want to spoil him. We really want to get x, but he’d love y if you would kindly buy that...”. I’m sure they’re just enthusiastic rather than trying to tread on your toes.

And on an entirely separate note - it’s treacherous territory buying kids’ Christmas presents in advance! Their tastes/wants change quickly - small kids are fickle little whatsits! The joy I had one December having done my shopping early, only for DD to come home from school on December 16th with her “letter to Father Christmas” containing absolutely everything different from what she’d asked for a week or so before..... Buying in July is not advisable 😂

YABU to demand they get your permission to buy a certain gift.
However, YANBU to tell them what you are buying and not to get it:
“I’m getting a large wood play kitchen, so don’t get that”

it may seem silly to some but in my eyes he's my son and any first moments and experiences should be my moment to enjoy, noone elses

What about when he loses his virginity?