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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to ask the In-Laws not to buy my son something without asking us first

169 replies

SuperDuper333 · 30/07/2020 22:40

So I'm not considering really telling them they have to ask us if they can by our son something. It's more that I wish they would consult us first about what it is they are going to buy him incase we want to buy it ourselves.
They've done it a few times already where they've bought him a present, refusing to tell us what but have told us we can't buy something of a particular sort anymore incase it's the same thing.
Well this time they've really pee'd me off. For the first time ever, they actually told me what they were considering getting him this year. So I thought great. That's fine. I wasn't thinking of getting him anything like that.
But tonight, they've said 'oh by the way, you can't buy him anymore kitchen (play) stuff between now and Christmas.
My little boy loves his little plastic kitchen I bought him and Ive collected a great range of kitchen bits and play food for him as a starter set. For ages I've had the intention of buying him an awesome wooden kitchen as his main present this year as he's showing so much interest in it. As a parent to my first born, there are certain presents and experiences that I want to enjoy with my little boy. And seeing his face when he walks down the stairs to a big bow around a brand new kitchen under the Christmas tree was a dream of mine. It may seem silly to some but in my eyes he's my son and any first moments and experiences should be my moment to enjoy, noone elses.
I didn't have the guts to ask her straight out in front of her husband and my husband if it was a kitchen but I know it will be. They are not hard up on cash at all and they buy each of the grandkids something big each year along with a few little gifts each too.
So some may say I should be grateful and yes we are that they spend money on him. But my parents spend money on him too and always consult us about what to get him first.
But we don't have alot of money at all so for us to save up and get him something special like that that we know will be his favourite present is important to us.
How do I now go about bringing it up. Asking her outright if it is the kitchen I've been dying to get him, and then if it is, saying that I want to buy him that and it's been on my list for ages

OP posts:
MaintainTheMolehill · 31/07/2020 00:20

YANBU at all and I completely understand why this is important. You gave explained very well why it means so much to you to do this.

A (good) grandmother uses the same mothering and love she had for her own young kids on her grandkids so she is just doing what comes naturally to her.
It's up to you to explain to her what the issue is and she should realise that she needs to step back and allow this to be a "mummy" moment.

She's not being unreasonable either as unless she knows, she hasn't done anything wrong.

Original poster
SuperDuper333 · 31/07/2020 00:21

Thing is, it is only July so ofcorse I haven't mentioned what were getting him for Christmas yet. It hasn't even come up in discussion and I'm surprised she has actually started her Christmas shopping already. So it's thrown me. The last they mentioned of it was a few weeks ago when they said they had decided they were going to get him a little motorised car.

OP posts:
Jellycatspyjamas · 31/07/2020 00:22

@YgritteSnow there are a fair few posters suggesting the OP either asks outright or just buys for her child whatever she wants to.

The OP is getting a hard time for framing a fairly simple issue in a “this is my moment, they’re all my moments” kind of way, which is pretty precious.

ShyTown · 31/07/2020 00:24

Compared to some the in law stuff you read on here this is a complete non-issue. They are planning on buying your son a gift that he’ll enjoy and are giving you 6 months notice! They sound like normal enough people, except for you all planning gifts so far in advance, so just talk to them. Tell them you’re getting the kitchen so not to buy that unless it’s to be kept at their house but if they’re thinking accessories then that would be perfect.

Also, at that age it’s so hard to predict what they’ll like, especially 6 months in advance, it’s all a bit luck of the draw. Mine loved the kitchen at daycare, pretends to make meals for her friends etc so got her one for at home and she couldn’t be less interested! So don’t get too caught up imagining some perfect Christmas morning magical as there’s a chance it won’t go like that no matter who buys the kitchen.

Pixxie7 · 31/07/2020 00:27

This seems to me ridiculous, why don’t you just give them some ideas of what to get and let them choose?

Shizzlestix · 31/07/2020 00:30

Just drop it into conversation ‘Can’t wait to see his little face when he sees the kitchen I've got him’ then if they say they also got him one, say ‘Oh dear, yours will have to go back, what a shame!”

stayathomer · 31/07/2020 00:33

We used to get her up over stuff like this, more to do with occasional and in laws insisting on being at the forefront. At some stage you realise they're just trying to be involved, and you get to enjoy the millions of special every day things, and the presents don't even really matter. Let them buy the kitchen and let him enjoy it

Original poster
SuperDuper333 · 31/07/2020 00:52

@Jellycatspyjamas Christ really? It's not being precious. It's called being sentimental. Emotional. Not having a stone for a heart.
Maybe I should have said it abit better. Because it's not about wanting or needing to be the only one who gets to enjoy the moments and denying anyone else in his life those chances.
It's just when I have a choice over something to do with him, I don't think anyone else, apart from his dad, has a right to trump that or take that from us

OP posts:
Original poster
SuperDuper333 · 31/07/2020 00:54

I believe that if we want to get him a God damn kitchen for Christmas, then we should be able too. Without having to justify that to anyone or having to buy it on flipping July cos his grandparents can't just ask us

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 31/07/2020 00:58

Why the hell are you letting them boss you around like this??

TELL THEM "you can't buy anything kitchen related because I'm buying him a new wooden kitchen. Unless you want to buy the matching food which I will send you a link to"

If they have already got it they can return it.

Chitlin · 31/07/2020 01:02

OP, you need to be as assertive with your inlaws as you have been with us.

Actually, probably dial it back a bit with them.

SusieOwl4 · 31/07/2020 01:08

I am with you OP . I always ask before buying things for my grandchildren . Even clothes . And especially at Christmas and birthdays .

BiarritzCrackers · 31/07/2020 01:19

I think it's a good thing to be able to talk about this is if you can. They certainly shouldn't be instructing you not to buy certain things.

One year we bought DS a garage. FIL also gave him a garage. Next year we gave DS a train set. FIL also gave him a train set. It's not a good outcome for any of the parties involved! After that, exH talked to his dad about it. I absolutely think that parents get to give the things that feel meaningful to them.

rottiemum88 · 31/07/2020 01:21

Thankyou so much for taking the time to read and understand my point exactly.

Just because other posters have disagreed with you doesn't mean they've not read or understood what you're saying, they just don't agree with you Confused

FWIW, I sort of get your point about the present, but can't for the life in me understand why you didn't just say at the time "sorry no, can't promise that, we're already buying DS a toy kitchen for Christmas" and shut the conversation straight down.

Also, you refer a couple of times to this being important to "us", so why didn't your DH correct his parents?

1forAll74 · 31/07/2020 02:26

Communication is needed , to be sensible about this situation. You really need to openly state, that it is you,who is going to get this particular kitchen gift for you son. Normal people would accept your wishes I am sure.

LilQueenie · 31/07/2020 02:31

I understand this. You want to do the magical Christmas thing coming down to see the big toy under the tree. Not something you can do if someone jumps in and buys it first.

Best thing is to say oh I wish you would have asked first (like we mentioned before) because I already bought a big wooden kitchen. Refuse to return it as well.

lukasiak · 31/07/2020 05:36

This is what happens when you view your child as your possession and not a person in their own right. His firsts are for him, not for you! Also, if the hob lights up and makes sounds, it's not a wooden kitchen, it's plastic tat.

Frazzled13 · 31/07/2020 05:53

When they said "you can't get him any kitchen stuff" did you ask what specifically they'd got him? If they wouldn't say then the secrecy would annoy me, especially since it's July and they've put an embargo on a whole toy category for the next 6 months.
If it's a big present surely it just makes sense for them to check with you, because of the chance you'll get him the same? I don't understand the secrecy at all so I don't think YABU to want them to check it with you. However I also personally wouldn't really mind who got what, I'd just want to know so it wasn't doubled up, or so that I didn't not get something thinking they have, and then finding out on the day they actually haven't.

vikingwife · 31/07/2020 05:59

@lukasiak - nailed it

The description of wanting the child’s joy & smiles to be due to her is very telling. It’s couched in terms of being “sentimental” but in reality this is about her & not the son. In reality it’s an ego boost for herself.

A child’s joy is not the parents ownership - it’s their own joy. So if the child gets a Present he likes from his grandparents, the joy won’t be as much for the OP because she wasn’t the one who provided it. This is indeed a narcissistic viewpoint - why. It just be happy the child is happy & has loving grandparents who want to give him something he likes?

Someone who wasn’t so emotionally entangled in experiencing their child’s joy as their own would be happy someone else was going to spend the money & suggesting to the grandparents which kitchens to buy - and keeping the money they’d been saving for the kitchen to use for something else.

This is such a non-issue & nowhere does it sound like the grandparents are being rude or pushy. Sounds like they were trying to be helpful & thoughtful.

Someone who wasn’t so passive aggressive (which goes along with narcissism) would also just say “oh Grandparents we really wanted to get the kitchen so it’s there on morning of Xmas - why don’t you get him X to go along with the kitchen?” And not have taken such exception at this gift suggestion. They would have been able to be open more vocally about their disappointment & not stayed quiet, but continue simmering with resentment.

Nottherealslimshady · 31/07/2020 06:00

I think you need to set some boundaries. They shouldn't be telling you what you can and cant buy for your son. They should be checking with you. Just tell them you're buying him one and not to buy one. And ask them to check with you before buying things in future because sometimes the buy things you were planning on buying and it makes things difficult for you.

Iloveyoutothefridgeandback · 31/07/2020 06:17

They aren't in charge. He is not their child. When they say "don't get him any kitchen stuff" you can just reply and say "well actually I'm going to buy him a wooden play kitchen for christmas". If they don't like it then who cares? Tough shit. They will have to think of something else to get him.

I dont think this needs to be a big deal at all.

Jellybeansincognito · 31/07/2020 06:19

‘ I think you need to set some boundaries. They shouldn't be telling you what you can and cant buy for your son.‘

  • they’re not?

‘ And ask them to check with you before buying things in future because sometimes the buy things you were planning on buying and it makes things difficult for you.’

  • how on earth does it make things difficult having someone else buy it?

Small children don’t understand the value of working for money op, so it’s not something you can hide behind to justify yourself at all.
I think others are right, this is very narcissistic.
At the end of the day, your son is getting the kitchen.
Your son isn’t going to care about who bought it.

Jellycatspyjamas · 31/07/2020 06:23

Maybe I should have said it abit better. Because it's not about wanting or needing to be the only one who gets to enjoy the moments and denying anyone else in his life those chances.

Maybe you should have said it better, because that’s not remotely what you said, which oddly enough is what people respond to on written media.

CrumbsThatsQuick · 31/07/2020 06:29

If he loves his kitchen now, I can guarantee you he won't still be playing with one in 6 months' time.

BoomBoomsCousin · 31/07/2020 06:32

How do I now go about bringing it up. Asking her outright if it is the kitchen I've been dying to get him, and then if it is, saying that I want to buy him that and it's been on my list for ages

You need to tell them you aren't going to hold off on buying him kitchen stuff between now and Christmas and if they have already bought him something they need to tell you exactly what it is if they want you to not buy the same thing. Then, if you know what you're going to buy him, tell him what you're buying him so they don't do the same. Otherwise,, stop worrying about it. He isn't going love you less or have a less good time if it's your PiL who have bought him his favorite toy as a pre-schooler. It will make zero difference to his life. While a cold war between you and his grandparents will make a huge, negative, difference.

These things you are focusing on are not important, he doesn't understand the familial politics and he will not transfer his love of you to his PiL because they buy him great presents. He will just like the presents. You are in a totally different position and his love of you will be based on much, much more than cupboard love.