My parents and their views on gay/bi relationships - potential trigger warning - I don't know how to act around them now.

[stillsatonthefence]

NC as it has nothing to do with my usual threads.
I don't know if it matters but - I'm straight and this isn't about me personally.

For some reason the subject of being gay/straight/bi has been brought up when I visited my parents recently.I do not feel any different towards people based on their sexual preferences just as I do not feel any different towards anyone based on their skin colour or nationality and I think it's all a ridiculous prejudice to have.

My DM and DF are only early 50s and consider themselves fairly "young" in their mindset but have such a horrible opinion on it and I don't know how to feel about them after it became obvious a couple of weeks ago.
Things my DF said:

• same sex couples should not be allowed to marry or adopt children. I asked him what difference does it make to him and he said it offends him and marriage is for man and woman.
• He said he's ok with the fact some people are in same sex relationships but he doesn't want to see it or witness any PDA.
• children of same sex couples become gay themselves - when I asked even if it's true what's wrong about that he couldn't justify it
• he doesn't like the mannerisms of gay men and the way they behave
• tried implying gay men want to adopt "little boys" for "a reason" - I shot the conversation down there as I was completely incredulous and angry and pointed out he's clearly mistaken and talking about paedophiles not same sex couples.

Interestingly most of his statements were talking about gay men not lesbians.

My DM stayed rather silent in all this then afterwards when it was just me and her she said she doesn't mind what they choose to do but finds the thought of two men together intimately rather repulsive and icky - I was quite wound up by that point and told her that I'm sure they find the thought of a man and woman together "repulsive" too. She also said if she was adopted she wouldn't have wanted to be brought up by two men or two women - I literally had no words, just said that I don't think any child that gets adopted and welcomed into a loving, stable home and family would give two hoots if the adoptive parents gay, straight or two horned aliens with flames shooting out of their backsides.

The thing is I left completely dumbfounded at the ignorance and prejudice. I keep flashing back to the things my DF said and my mind just goes into a spin at the stupid statements.
I haven't seen them since but have had brief conversations over the phone but for some reason I feel weird about seeing them again (due this weekend) after the conversation we had.

In my head all I can think of is if either of my (currently very young) DCs ever come out as gay/bi or whatever they will be ostracised and treated differently by my parents going on their current opinions and I just want to run for the hills.

How do I proceed with this knowledge? Do I just studiously avoid any attempts at the subject next time I see them? Pretend the conversation didn't happen? Set them straight and tell them off?

AIBU to have such strong feelings about this?

@PastaSwirl2

I'm really sorry to hear that you must be so worried.

I think people are entitled to their views, and to share them where appropriate (such as a relevant internet forum) but NOT to bully or threaten anyone in any way.

No they are not entitled to such views or to share them. Nobody is entitled to damage, such views damage.

My ds is entitled to grow up undamaged.

@PastaSwirl2

So nobody is allowed to share any views, ever, in case it hurts somebody? Even if asked?

@PastaSwirl2 I’m sorry your DS has had a shitty time of it but people are entitled to their opinions. I disagree entirely with people using their opinions to bully or belittle others but you can’t stop people having other thoughts

Not if they are racist, homophobic or disablist views.There is no place for them anywhere. That is why forums like MN are moderated. They need to be called out every single time.

I’m amazed that people in their early 50s have such old fashioned views. I’m the same age and can it understand their mindset at all. Don’t get it

I'm at least 10 years older, and I don't get it, either. My parents weren't homophobic and one my mum's best friends when I was young was a (male) former colleague who, I now realise, was almost certainly gay.

So you think people should be allowed to spew racism?

@SimonJT

I’m admittedly a little drunk but your comment is the most hilariously sad comment I’ve ever read. I’m going from disbelief to shock to Sadness to laughing at loud at your comments. Can’t believe there’s people who still think this way. But as long as there’s extreme religion I think there’ll always be these “idiots” unfortunately.

Sadly I was one of those people until my early 20s. I was raised in a devout Christian household believing homosexuality was both a choice and a sin. However at university I met my gay, Nigerian friend and he convinced me just by his existence that there was no way homosexuality was a choice. There was no way anyone raised under the patriarchal, sexist and homophobic rule of a typical traditional Nigerian father would actively choose to be gay. And once you stop believing it’s a choice the rest follows. I then realised that if gay people can’t choose to be gay then my homophobia is just as bad as others’ racism towards me. I now can’t believe I used to think like that but I blame it on religious indoctrination.

It’s disgusting and I’m sorry you have to experience such open homophobia still.

@ PastaSwirl2 I don’t disagree with you that homophobic attacks should be stopped and people be banned if necessary but that’s as far as it goes. People are allowed to think things and have opinions, it’s when they impact on their treatment of others that it becomes problematic. You can’t police thoughts and opinions if they’re not being used maliciously

Sooo you think even though racist and homophobic views and language cause deep damage people should be allowed to air them?

I’m amazed that people in their early 50s have such old fashioned views. I’m the same age and can it understand their mindset at all. Don’t get it

I'm at least 10 years older, and I don't get it, either

I’m 24 and from my experience lots of people my age (particularly guys) hold views of gay people like what the OP mentioned in her first post. Bi people get abuse even more than gay people I’ve found.

Sooo you think even though racist and homophobic views and language cause deep damage people should be allowed to air them?
No I said that homophobic attacks and abuse should be stopped and people should be reported! But that you can’t police internal opinions and views because there’s no way to. You can stop people saying/typing them but you can’t stop what goes on in people’s heads and homes amongst friends and family

@Sweetsweetisthenight...You can stop associating with them. If you don't then you are no better than them

nestisflown I'm a gay Nigerian as well and I relate to your friend so much in that my family is extremely homophobic and there's no way I could be out to them.

When I see people on this thread saying "sexual preferences" or "lifestyle choice", I think about the gay people living in countries like Nigeria, that would be flogged or hanged if they were ever their true selves. Most of them would give anything to have the "choice" to be straight. Homophobia kills and the lives of LGBTQ+ people matter more than your need to express your bigoted and unoriginal "opinions"

That isn’t what you said.

And actually op could end up having a gay child. Do you have any idea how damaging it would be for that child to hear such views at any time in their life.

@Wolfgirrl there is a great deal of evidence which suggests that donor-conceived children of lesbian parents are better-adjusted and have better outcomes in life than children born to heterosexual couples.

I've linked to an article about one study, but there's lots of information out there, so it looks as though your belief that believe that a male/female pair of parents "is critical for the baby's emotional wellbeing" is based on prejudice rather than evidence.

www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-sexual-continuum/201006/25-year-long-study-finds-children-lesbian-parents-may-be-better%3famp

@Wolfgirrl

With the exception of your query about the NHS funding burden (which is not a concern exclusive to fertility treatment, as I'm sure you are aware), your concerns can equally be levelled against people becoming parents in many contexts other than assisted conception - including adoption, which you promoted in an earlier post when you said 'why don't you just adopt'. So I still don't think we're getting to the heart of your problem.

Are you a parent? Why did you have children? Was it for them? Was it for the future of the planet? Or was it, even a little bit, for...you?

That's an awful thing to hear from your parents! Maybe have a bit of space away from them this week and see how you feel next time you're due to see them.

It's not to the same extent but my grandma used to be a bit wary of gay/ non white people, she sounded homophobic and racist in the way that she wouldn't trust gay/black people like she would white people. It was painful to hear but she was very elderly so we didn't challenge her too much. A few years down the line she had a gay grandson and a black grandson-in law and she adored them! Completely changed her mind once the strange fear of them had gone. Hopefully your parents would be the same if someone they loved was gay. If not, keep them well away! Hope they can change their minds

I've heard horror stories from LGBT friends, people being disowned and all sorts

That's so sad.

The mother of one of my gay friends "found out" when he was arrested in a compromising position in a parked car with another man. They were taken to the nick and charged, and then the police insisted on taking my friend home (he lived with his parents), and right to the front door (can't recall why). His mum was still up and the police told her why he'd been arrested. (He was 21, so there was no need for them to tell her anything).

She just smiled sweetly at the plods and thanked them for bringing him home, and when they'd gone she hugged her son and said "I've always known, and I'll always love you".

She was a good deal older than my parents, so probably born in the 20s, and she wasn't homophobic. It's really not an age thing, it's a prejudice thing.

What bastards those police officers were though. This was in the 1970s, I don't imagine for a minute they'd behave like that these days.

@PastaSwirl2 I did say that it’s literally in the top line of my post saying ‘I don’t disagree with you that homophobic attacks should be stopped’

@MaggieAndHopey

Yes but adoption isnt premeditated. Nobody thinks, I will have a child so they can be adopted. It is usually down to negligence, mothers with addictions etc. Adoption is a solution.

Whereas donor conception IS premeditated, you are having a child knowing they will not know one of their parents.

Just because there are other problematic topics it doesnt make this one 'okay'.

When I said the adopt thing, I was pointing out the hypocrisy whereby if you suggest adoptions everyone shouts that a parent has the right to a biological child. Yet when you point out a child should have the right to know its biological parents, biology suddenly doesnt matter and 'love is all you need'

Yes I have a child. Obviously having a child is a selfish act (unless caused by rape etc), however there was a lot of discussion beforehand on what we had to offer a child. That is a committed mother and father, a stable home, financially taken care of, extended family to love them, commitment from us both to ensure she is as fulfilled as she can be. It really wasnt just 'I want therefore I shall have'.

@ PastaSwirl2 I don’t disagree with you that homophobic attacks should be stopped and people be banned if necessary but that’s as far as it goes. People are allowed to think things and have opinions, it’s when they impact on their treatment of others that it becomes problematic. You can’t police thoughts and opinions if they’re not being used maliciously

You said that attacks are as far as it goes. That people should be able to think and have racist views and opinions. That when it “impacts” on others it becomes “ problematic” ( totally belittling the huge damage it causes).

You also said people can do what they like as long is it’s not malicious. The whole BLM thing has gone over your head then and I’m guessing that somebody talking like that in front of my son causing him to hate himself and wanting to kill him self is ok as long as they had no malicious intent.

somebody talking like that in front of my son causing him to hate himself and wanting to kill him self is ok as long as they had no malicious intent
That is a homophobic attack! Not a physical one but an attack all the same

In cases of same sex relationships the baby lacks a parent of the opposite sex - I believe this male/female balance in some form is critical for the baby's emotional wellbeing

No it was somebody expressing their views by talking and making statements. Perfectly ok in your view.