My parents and their views on gay/bi relationships - potential trigger warning - I don't know how to act around them now.

[stillsatonthefence]

NC as it has nothing to do with my usual threads.
I don't know if it matters but - I'm straight and this isn't about me personally.

For some reason the subject of being gay/straight/bi has been brought up when I visited my parents recently.I do not feel any different towards people based on their sexual preferences just as I do not feel any different towards anyone based on their skin colour or nationality and I think it's all a ridiculous prejudice to have.

My DM and DF are only early 50s and consider themselves fairly "young" in their mindset but have such a horrible opinion on it and I don't know how to feel about them after it became obvious a couple of weeks ago.
Things my DF said:

• same sex couples should not be allowed to marry or adopt children. I asked him what difference does it make to him and he said it offends him and marriage is for man and woman.
• He said he's ok with the fact some people are in same sex relationships but he doesn't want to see it or witness any PDA.
• children of same sex couples become gay themselves - when I asked even if it's true what's wrong about that he couldn't justify it
• he doesn't like the mannerisms of gay men and the way they behave
• tried implying gay men want to adopt "little boys" for "a reason" - I shot the conversation down there as I was completely incredulous and angry and pointed out he's clearly mistaken and talking about paedophiles not same sex couples.

Interestingly most of his statements were talking about gay men not lesbians.

My DM stayed rather silent in all this then afterwards when it was just me and her she said she doesn't mind what they choose to do but finds the thought of two men together intimately rather repulsive and icky - I was quite wound up by that point and told her that I'm sure they find the thought of a man and woman together "repulsive" too. She also said if she was adopted she wouldn't have wanted to be brought up by two men or two women - I literally had no words, just said that I don't think any child that gets adopted and welcomed into a loving, stable home and family would give two hoots if the adoptive parents gay, straight or two horned aliens with flames shooting out of their backsides.

The thing is I left completely dumbfounded at the ignorance and prejudice. I keep flashing back to the things my DF said and my mind just goes into a spin at the stupid statements.
I haven't seen them since but have had brief conversations over the phone but for some reason I feel weird about seeing them again (due this weekend) after the conversation we had.

In my head all I can think of is if either of my (currently very young) DCs ever come out as gay/bi or whatever they will be ostracised and treated differently by my parents going on their current opinions and I just want to run for the hills.

How do I proceed with this knowledge? Do I just studiously avoid any attempts at the subject next time I see them? Pretend the conversation didn't happen? Set them straight and tell them off?

AIBU to have such strong feelings about this?

YANBU to have strong feelings on this. It disgusts me that there a people who seek to deny others the rights they enjoy themselves. I thought the 'gay men are paedophiles' thing had been thoroughly debunked. How depressing.

My 82 year old mum is just the same and as such my DD has chosen not to come out to her or my dad. In fact she avoids visiting them at all costs which is easy in the current situation. It's sad really.

I frequently pull my mum up on her homophobic comments, so much that you think she'd have noticed by now. She hasn't and my patience is tested when she starts making remarks about gay celebrities adopting children.

What would you do if your parents said equally offensive things about black people? Or Muslims? Or Jews?

It’s basically the same. You may not know the answer to the above, I just mean it to say that it’s not any less bad than racism, which some people seem to think (it’s not ok to defend it as “the way things were when they were young” especially as they aren’t even old.)

Only you can decide what to do, and what kind of relationship you want to have with bigoted family members. I’m sorry they have put you in this position.

re Adoption. Some children would be better placed in a same sex couple home due to previous experiences or stronger attachments.

Fucking hell thats pretty shocking And they are in their early fifties, hardly Victorians . Have they always been like this?!

As a gay parent myself, our kids have 2 mums, I can tell you we hear this kind of BS a lot. Thankfully not from anyone who’s opinion we care about or who have any influence over our D.C.
It’s homophobia pure and simple and all of it contradicted by facts. Children of LGBT parents are no more likely to be LGBT themselves - study after study has proved that. They are more likely to be tolerant however. And as for the stuff about 2 dads wanting boys for a ‘reason’ - your dad needs to give his head a good wobble.
I’m surprised that their views are so extreme at their age, unless they’re particularly religious.
I’d be upset too if my parents came out with this bigotry, whether it was racism or homophobia or transphobia or sectarianism.
I would counter every argument and wrong comment and if you really can’t get through to them then avoid the subject entirely. And if they won’t stop being homophobic in front of you I’d give them a wide berth.

It's difficult, certainly, but I think one of the problems we have as a society is a total refusal to tolerate intolerance. You won't change their minds by being angry with them. It's also quite common for people their age to feel like that about it. See where you can find common ground, perhaps. Agreeing for example that gay people should not be discriminated against in their jobs? They would agree with that. Then see if you can tinker around the edges of their thinking. Fwiw, when the whole gay adoption debate was a thing, I also disagreed with it. I just completely changed my mind, because I figured that what mattered was a loving home, and that is far from guaranteed with many straight couples.

We have family members like this and after telling them many times that we don’t agree with their views and that our kids are disgusted by them, we’ve chosen to distance ourselves from them. We wouldn’t stay friends with people like this so it made no sense to keep these people in our lives just because they’re family. The only time they were speechless was when our kids told them how awful their views were.

You have to respect their opinion and they yours. As you both don't agree it's best to keep away from the subject altogether.

You could also point out to your parents that endless studies ( genuine scientific ones, not the ones produce by religious grps with their own agendas) have shown that kids with same sex parents are usually better off than those with. Mum and dad, and at the very least come out equally well.
Ours kids aren’t ever mistakes. We don’t have them by accident, they are very much wanted, and planned for (obviously!) - whether it’s going through lengthy adoption processes or aided pregnancies and , usually born to parents who are older and more financially secure.
All of which gives our kids a good fighting chance in life.

That’s awful OP.

Were they brought up in or are now members of a religion which is very anti-lgbt? If they were they perhaps have been brain washed and can’t get past these beliefs?

I hope they don’t spread their poison.

I guess you can but try to educate them. Respectfully if possible as being nasty won’t help them listen without prejudice.

You have to respect their opinion and they yours.

I really don’t think some opinions deserve to be respected.

OP, have they never voiced their opinions before?

My main worry would be that your parents air their frankly archaic views around your kids. If I were you I would speak for them and make sure they don’t. Any more than you would let them say racist things.

They're bigots. What a shame.

I'm truly shocked that they are slightly younger than me and have such antediluvian attitudes. Horrid.

These prejudiced views are based on the fact that they don't know any real life gay people. I bet if one of your children turned out to be gay they would change their views in a heartbeat.

My Mum changed when she met gay friends of mine. It was just a prejudice based on an abstract idea of "other" people. Once she actually met some gays, she realised that they were just like everyone else she knew and she enjoyed their company.

Your parents are younger than me!

Some people become very reactionary in age. My mum, whose best friend throughout her working life was a lady from Sri Lanka, became MASSIVELY racist in her latter years. My DB and I had no idea where it came from: she'd always been liberal and unprejudiced when we were young and had many friends of all colours and sexualities.

So to hear her spouting bigoted nonsense was awful.

And your parents are young enough to know better!

I’m gay and one of my parents holds some similar views. I had a lot of resentment about this growing up, but he is also an amazing dad in many ways and he still treats me with respect. I can’t predict everything he thinks on the subject just because I know he thinks gay people are abnormal - he surprises me, e.g. he’s happy I’m in a steady and loving relationship with a woman. We just don’t see things the same way. To him, his views make sense and if he were to suddenly see things from my POV, many things in his world that currently form a coherent whole would seem disjointed and odd.
I will never try to agree with him, or to put myself in his shoes even - that would be self-destructive, for one - but I’m not going to cast him out!
We have equal standing in the eyes of the law, and there’s some way to go, but what people think in their own private heads is their own business. Perhaps simplistic (I mean what degree of the law is enforceable, to start with) but I don’t think that a black and white approach is going to solve anything here either.

I’m the same age and have no such views. It’s not an age thing. No one I know of a similar age has such views.

Maybe because I’m a Londoner (that I love London Town!) ? Are they quite rural or small town so have not had any opportunity to meet gay people?

I’m mid fifties and like to think I have no homophobia at all. I’m friends with a lesbian couple that I know because they have adopted a little girl with SN. I’m full of admiration and respect for them. They have given their DD a brilliant childhood and lots of love and have worked hard to make sure she gets appropriate support for her needs. They could have chosen donor conception, but they chose to give this little girl a great life instead.

I have 2 friends with gay sons, they are both fabulous young men. One is particularly camp which makes me smile sometimes. I hope that doesn’t make me homophobic.

I have some issues about trans people. I feel a bit sorry for them, particularly those who don’t succeed in looking like their preferred gender, while I don’t feel sorry for lesbians or gay men. So maybe that’s a sign of some prejudice? I’m uncomfortable with the idea of sharing safe spaces with trans women, while I have no problem doing that with lesbians.

My DSes don’t agree with me and think I’m old fashioned and prejudiced. Your parents views are much more extreme, though.

That's disgraceful for people in their early fifties. I might turn a blind eye to a 90yo having these views as they grew up in very different times (ie homosexuality was illegal) but early fifties .

His views aren’t hugely unusual.

I always find it weird how many men who claim to be straight spend so much time thinking about gay men...its also weird how many straight men spend a significant amount of time thinking about gay men kissing etc...I mean, I spent a lot of time thinking about blokes kissing...wonder why?

You’re points are all things lots of gay (and straight) people have probably heard.

My son goes to rugby tots, most of the parents are very nice, I once went in my own kit (Kings Cross Steelers), a parent asked who I played for, what position etc. He clearly then googled them at some point as he later put in a complaint about me watching the kids at rugby tots. I’m taking over the franchise in September, a handful of parents have removed their children as they see me as a safety issue because I’m obviously going to put on a sex show and swing my knob around while instructing the kids.

My son shock horror has long hair, goes to dance and is allowed to play with ‘girls’ toys, he is most definitely going to turn into an outrageously raging homo. Where as me playing with footballs, guns, sticks, playing rugby and being a ‘lad’ as a teenager clearly protected me from all that ‘gay influence’... to be fair my dad (who is a wanker) believes I caught my devious tendencies looking at all those genitals in the showers.

There was a thread on here yesterday were at least two posters said that men adopt children to sexually assault them, it isn’t an unusual view among stupid people. There was also a thread about a husband who thought gay men shouldn’t play sports because they would be perving in the showers we all know what he really means is “I’m a huge pervert and stare at women all the time, so gay men must have shite self control like me”.

The mannerisms/gay voice stuff always makes me laugh. I once worked with a guy who was a big rugby fan, I was a part time prop forward for a league one team at the time so there was often rugby chat, he was also aware that I can down a pint in ten seconds, so in his mind I was a ‘proper’ man. One day David Walliams (who isn’t even gay) was on the radio and my colleague came out with some ‘fantastic’ comments about gay men, they all prance around, put on a fake little voice, hold their arms weirdly, flaunt their sexuality around complete with a ‘fabulous’ impression. Said colleagues face was a picture when a couple of weeks later I turned up at the xmas do with my boyfriend one of his comments during his rant about me being a dirty fag who was obviously trying to ‘turn’ him was that he thought I was a “normal bloke’ He’ll shit his pants when he realises Keegan Hirst is gay, what with him being a normal bloke, or Gareth Thomas.

Ah yes, lesbians are okay, thats because they’re ‘sexy’ and in his mind serve him a positive purpose. They’re also not going to try to ‘bum’ him because he is obviously irresistable to all us rapey gays.

I have relatives with similar views. I am bi. Have been in lesbian relationships now described as 'when I was experimenting' as I married a man after that. You are unlikely to change minds here. To some extent they are entitled to their views and I think it's better that people speak their mind and accept challenge rather than think it and hide it, you are entitled to challenge those views and/or to ask them to not express them around you and to limit your contact with them if they can't do that.

My paternal grandparents are like this. Really homophobic, and racist (despite the fact they are from Pakistan)

I just have to compartmentalise them. I love them, and for the most part they are good people but I cannot and will not pretend their ideas and thoughts on those issues are ok. We don’t discuss them at all - if they ever do get brought up I tell them how outdated and awful their ideas are but they will never change them, and I am not willing to lose my relationship with them. So we ignore it, talk about light topics.

My dad used to have these views because he had been brought up in a strict religious household (weird baptists of some sort). It actually took a C of E vicar explaining to him ,with reference to his religion, why his views were wrong for him to change. I like to think the years of me wearing him down with "you sound homophobic", "people don't choose to be gay" etc helped. I hate to think what he would have said to his bisexual grand daughter without that vicar's chat.

Do they have someone they listen to that might help them understand?