My parents and their views on gay/bi relationships - potential trigger warning - I don't know how to act around them now.

[stillsatonthefence]

NC as it has nothing to do with my usual threads.
I don't know if it matters but - I'm straight and this isn't about me personally.

For some reason the subject of being gay/straight/bi has been brought up when I visited my parents recently.I do not feel any different towards people based on their sexual preferences just as I do not feel any different towards anyone based on their skin colour or nationality and I think it's all a ridiculous prejudice to have.

My DM and DF are only early 50s and consider themselves fairly "young" in their mindset but have such a horrible opinion on it and I don't know how to feel about them after it became obvious a couple of weeks ago.
Things my DF said:

• same sex couples should not be allowed to marry or adopt children. I asked him what difference does it make to him and he said it offends him and marriage is for man and woman.
• He said he's ok with the fact some people are in same sex relationships but he doesn't want to see it or witness any PDA.
• children of same sex couples become gay themselves - when I asked even if it's true what's wrong about that he couldn't justify it
• he doesn't like the mannerisms of gay men and the way they behave
• tried implying gay men want to adopt "little boys" for "a reason" - I shot the conversation down there as I was completely incredulous and angry and pointed out he's clearly mistaken and talking about paedophiles not same sex couples.

Interestingly most of his statements were talking about gay men not lesbians.

My DM stayed rather silent in all this then afterwards when it was just me and her she said she doesn't mind what they choose to do but finds the thought of two men together intimately rather repulsive and icky - I was quite wound up by that point and told her that I'm sure they find the thought of a man and woman together "repulsive" too. She also said if she was adopted she wouldn't have wanted to be brought up by two men or two women - I literally had no words, just said that I don't think any child that gets adopted and welcomed into a loving, stable home and family would give two hoots if the adoptive parents gay, straight or two horned aliens with flames shooting out of their backsides.

The thing is I left completely dumbfounded at the ignorance and prejudice. I keep flashing back to the things my DF said and my mind just goes into a spin at the stupid statements.
I haven't seen them since but have had brief conversations over the phone but for some reason I feel weird about seeing them again (due this weekend) after the conversation we had.

In my head all I can think of is if either of my (currently very young) DCs ever come out as gay/bi or whatever they will be ostracised and treated differently by my parents going on their current opinions and I just want to run for the hills.

How do I proceed with this knowledge? Do I just studiously avoid any attempts at the subject next time I see them? Pretend the conversation didn't happen? Set them straight and tell them off?

AIBU to have such strong feelings about this?

@Ballybeyondthepail

Just curious and I hope you dont mind me asking this.

If somebody morally objected to same sex couples having a baby through donor/surrogate (ie not adoption), why would it be homophobic if that belief was due to the fact they thought a baby needs a mum and a dad? IE they would be fine with an ethical arrangement between, say, a gay couple and a single woman who agreed to co parent together.

Ah, we have wolfgirls who had a thread deleted due to hugely homophobic views, what a surprise that he/she has popped up!

I’m friends with a lesbian couple that I know because they have adopted a little girl with SN. I’m full of admiration and respect for them. They have given their DD a brilliant childhood and lots of love and have worked hard to make sure she gets appropriate support for her needs. They could have chosen donor conception, but they chose to give this little girl a great life instead.

This is a lovely story & testament to how you can build a family without creating adverse situations.

@SimonJT

Rather than just shouting HOMOPHOBIA why dont you actually answer my question?

[quote Wolfgirrl]@SimonJT

Rather than just shouting HOMOPHOBIA why dont you actually answer my question?[/quote]

1. You haven’t asked me a question.
2. If you weren’t homophobic you wouldn’t have a had a thread deleted for homophobic content.

@SimonJT

1. You must have read my post with a question to know I was here and
2. How do you know it was deleted for homophobia? What did I specifically say that was homophobic other than I think it is sad for a child to be intentionally deprived of a mum or a dad?

My objection isnt based on sexuality, as above gay people can build families in an ethical way and I think that is a really good thing. I feel the same way about women conceiving with a sperm donor because they are single.

It's not awful, or a crime, I just think morally, to me, it isnt quite right.

@Wolfgirrl

I’m friends with a lesbian couple that I know because they have adopted a little girl with SN. I’m full of admiration and respect for them. They have given their DD a brilliant childhood and lots of love and have worked hard to make sure she gets appropriate support for her needs. They could have chosen donor conception, but they chose to give this little girl a great life instead.

This is a lovely story & testament to how you can build a family without creating adverse situations.

Why would a donor conception be an "adverse situation"? One of the most stable, loving families I know is that of a lesbian couple with two children via donor fathers.

Because I personally believe a child has a right to know both of their biological parents, for better or for worse. It should be an existential human right.

And before people start piping up with one night stand babies who dont know their dads etc, that isnt 'right' either. You cant justify something by saying there are worse things out there.

My Dad is 80 this year, so by no means young. My younger sister (who isn't my Dad's child - we were all adopted separately and my Dad is my adoptive Dad) is a lesbian and has a wife. Her adoptive parents disowned her when she came out and have never backed down - my Dad walked her down the aisle when they married and despite his claims that he's never cried in his life I saw him wipe a tear away when the celebrant said they were wife and wife.

I honestly don't believe it's always a generational thing; good people are just good people and want others to be happy. If either or both of my DC is gay they will be welcome here with their partners every day for as long as I'm alive. If you're upset by seeing an act of kindness or love between two consenting adults, that's a conscious choice that you can work on.

In your shoes @stillsatonthefence I like to think I'd challenge them to think about their views and why it bothers them. But saying that on here is so much easier than doing it in real life, so if you feel you can challenge them and try to encourage more open-mindedness then that's probably all you can do.

You find me a person who will say that first, @Wolfgirrl. It's not a good thought experiment - I certainly wouldn't believe anyone who stated that specific belief. It's never real, it's just a cover for hating the gays.

If you love them and want to keep them in your life I thimk it would be best to agree to never discuss it. No one is perfect, and as a pp said they are entitled to their views whether you agree with them or not.

You need to show them what tolerance means. While you bear with them in love and patience, you can demonstrate how its done.

Its not unusual for people to disagree on fundamental issues (politics, religion etc) but you can agree to disagree.

@TheHighestSardine

Why? I expect comments disagreeing with me but nobody ever actually says anything bar accusing me of being homophobic. Why is it homophobic to say a child needs to know their biological parents, gay or straight?

Do you feel you have a strong enough relationship with your parents to say to them what you wrote in your first post, OP? That you felt uncomfortable about the views they expressed and that you are concerned to think of them expressing those views to your children one day, especially if one of your children happens to be lesbian or gay. You may not be able to change their views but you can and should feel able to request they don’t voice them to your children.

@Wolfgirrl

I’m friends with a lesbian couple that I know because they have adopted a little girl with SN. I’m full of admiration and respect for them. They have given their DD a brilliant childhood and lots of love and have worked hard to make sure she gets appropriate support for her needs. They could have chosen donor conception, but they chose to give this little girl a great life instead.

This is a lovely story & testament to how you can build a family without creating adverse situations.

I hate that my anecdote is being hijacked to advocate a homophobic view that gay couples shouldn’t have their own biological children. I simply meant that most people would probably want to bring up their own biological children, but this couple were selfless enough to adopt a child with significant needs, which I thought was lovely of them. Not that they shouldn’t have a choice.

@MillicentMartha

🤷‍♀️ sorry.

Where did I say that gay couples shouldn't have their own biological children?

@nicky7654

You have to respect their opinion and they yours. As you both don't agree it's best to keep away from the subject altogether.

Would you say that if they were making really racist comments. This kind of attitude should be challenged at every turn. It’s the only way attitudes will improve.

Well done for standing up to them. Do they not realise that most gay people have straight parents?

As @Tootletum says "It's difficult, certainly, but I think one of the problems we have as a society is a total refusal to tolerate intolerance. You won't change their minds by being angry with them."

Indeed. ATM the echo chamber thing still seems to appeal, but I think it's getting old now and people are fed up of it and want nuanced discussions that might actually lead to change as opposed to stalemate.

My parents were a bit like this (not to the extent they thought gay = paedophile though). My younger sister found it difficult to tell them she was gay and for a while they were a bit dismissive about it being a phase because she was a teen. My DH was a similar age to my mum and would challenge them about their views, saying he didn't understand their opinions and it wasn't an age thing, as they claimed, because he didn't have the same views so it was a choice for them to be prejudiced. They were never unpleasant to my sister or her girlfriends, even letting the girlfriends all move in one after the other and taking one of them on holiday to Singapore with them, but would ignore the fact she was a lesbian and would tell people they were just friends. Now they are used to the idea, and they no longer have those views. They will talk about my SIL as my sister's partner quite happily. They really like the current one, who has been around for 3 years, and see her as part of the family. It took time, challenge and lived experience for them to change, and it wasn't nice for my sister really to be dismissed at the start when she needed the support, but i know if my DS came out as gay in the future, they would be the most supportive grandparents ever.

Does their strong opinions reflect their religious beliefs?

[quote Wolfgirrl]@TheHighestSardine

Why? I expect comments disagreeing with me but nobody ever actually says anything bar accusing me of being homophobic. Why is it homophobic to say a child needs to know their biological parents, gay or straight?[/quote]
Homophobia aside, why does a child need to know it's biological parents? What importance do they hold?

I was removed from mine at 3 and never saw them again. I'm 39 and it's never once occurred to me to seek them out. I'm not lacking in happiness, love, roots or family for not knowing them. I don't see any tangible benefit at all to every child getting to know their biological parents.

Ah gosh OP. Thy must’ve been a horrible experience. I have no advice I’m afraid. I have relatives with similarly abhorrent views and I have no idea how or if I will ever get passed it. I would suggest taking a step back from them for a little bit until you feel stronger to face them again. You can always be honest and say that they actually really upset you and you worry about their relationship with your DCs should they come out as LBGTQ+.

Be prepared to be told ‘it’s just a difference of opinion’ though....