My parents and their views on gay/bi relationships - potential trigger warning - I don't know how to act around them now.

[stillsatonthefence]

NC as it has nothing to do with my usual threads.
I don't know if it matters but - I'm straight and this isn't about me personally.

For some reason the subject of being gay/straight/bi has been brought up when I visited my parents recently.I do not feel any different towards people based on their sexual preferences just as I do not feel any different towards anyone based on their skin colour or nationality and I think it's all a ridiculous prejudice to have.

My DM and DF are only early 50s and consider themselves fairly "young" in their mindset but have such a horrible opinion on it and I don't know how to feel about them after it became obvious a couple of weeks ago.
Things my DF said:

• same sex couples should not be allowed to marry or adopt children. I asked him what difference does it make to him and he said it offends him and marriage is for man and woman.
• He said he's ok with the fact some people are in same sex relationships but he doesn't want to see it or witness any PDA.
• children of same sex couples become gay themselves - when I asked even if it's true what's wrong about that he couldn't justify it
• he doesn't like the mannerisms of gay men and the way they behave
• tried implying gay men want to adopt "little boys" for "a reason" - I shot the conversation down there as I was completely incredulous and angry and pointed out he's clearly mistaken and talking about paedophiles not same sex couples.

Interestingly most of his statements were talking about gay men not lesbians.

My DM stayed rather silent in all this then afterwards when it was just me and her she said she doesn't mind what they choose to do but finds the thought of two men together intimately rather repulsive and icky - I was quite wound up by that point and told her that I'm sure they find the thought of a man and woman together "repulsive" too. She also said if she was adopted she wouldn't have wanted to be brought up by two men or two women - I literally had no words, just said that I don't think any child that gets adopted and welcomed into a loving, stable home and family would give two hoots if the adoptive parents gay, straight or two horned aliens with flames shooting out of their backsides.

The thing is I left completely dumbfounded at the ignorance and prejudice. I keep flashing back to the things my DF said and my mind just goes into a spin at the stupid statements.
I haven't seen them since but have had brief conversations over the phone but for some reason I feel weird about seeing them again (due this weekend) after the conversation we had.

In my head all I can think of is if either of my (currently very young) DCs ever come out as gay/bi or whatever they will be ostracised and treated differently by my parents going on their current opinions and I just want to run for the hills.

How do I proceed with this knowledge? Do I just studiously avoid any attempts at the subject next time I see them? Pretend the conversation didn't happen? Set them straight and tell them off?

AIBU to have such strong feelings about this?

My mum sometimes comes out with stuff like this, but she is 85. Your parents are not much older than me! That's what shocks me the most!

It's a strange abstract conversation to have.
I don't really want to know or care about other people's sexual preferences. It's really quite a weird, voyeuristic thing isn't it.
Your parents are entitled to hold their views but obviously can't discriminate against anyone. Do they work or volunteer in any capacity because they could get themselves in serious difficulty.
At their age it's very bizarre to have those views but perhaps they've led sheltered lives. In our family no-one has had issues with attending same sex weddings, babies being conceived by donor etc and. When it's a much loved grandchild, many grandparents will feel differently.

The tabloids in the 80s/90s were massively homophobic and have a lot to answer for in terms of the persecution of LGB and attitudes towards LGB people. Still upsetting to hear these views nowadays and no reason why they can't educate themselves

It's all very well saying that people would be different with their own grandchildren, but babies don't get born with sexuality labels, so by the time any grandchild is old enough to identify as anything other than heterosexual, they will already have been exposed to years of homophobia from their grandparents, and that will have done damage - if unlucky to the child, otherwise to their relationship with their grandparents and, depending on how you deal with it, the parents who failed to protect their child.

@Wolfgirrl

"Just because there are other problematic topics it doesnt make this one 'okay'."

Don't be infantile. It's not about things being 'OK', but rather about trying to nail down what in particular you find objectionable about assisted conception.

"Yes I have a child. Obviously having a child is a selfish act (unless caused by rape etc), however there was a lot of discussion beforehand on what we had to offer a child. That is a committed mother and father, a stable home, financially taken care of, extended family to love them, commitment from us both to ensure she is as fulfilled as she can be. It really wasnt just 'I want therefore I shall have'."

This is the most unwittingly honest thing you've said. You admit that having children is a selfish act. It also sounds like you were lucky enough to conceive your daughter without medical intervention. Good for you. But from there, you reach the conclusion that people who aren't so lucky, somehow decide to try to become parents because 'I want, therefore I shall have'.

The reason you imagine that is because they required help to do what you could do 'naturally'. Because of that one fact, you imagine that these other parents haven't considered what they can offer a child - their love, their extended family, the prospects they can offer, their commitment to that child's future. Don't you see what a weird illogical leap that is?

@MaggieAndHopey

I have said repeatedly the part I find objectionable is deliberately bringing a child into the world who does not know their biological mother/father (or both). It is a huge thing, not like having a house that isnt quite big enough, or not enough money to go on holiday every year, or not being able to get them into the best school. It has huge lifelong implications, and quite simply I dont feel it is fair. No amount of other good circumstances can truly compensate for it.

To my mind this has nothing to do with same sex couples. This also applies to heterosexual couples who use donors, or single women, or whatever.

@PastaSwirl2 are you being deliberately obtuse? You know that’s not what I said

@stillsatonthefence I'm sorry that your parents think this way.

If your children are young still, I would start on the "what if your grandkids are gay/ lesbian" route. If your arguments don't work, I would minimise any time spent with them and not expose your kids to their opinions - there's no excuse for these opinions, why would you tolerate that kind of influence on your children?

My DH is in his 50s, my father is in his 80s and neither hold homophobic opinions (luckily for everyone, because our kids are gay) and that was even before the kids came out to us. It's not an age thing unfortunately, kids have come across plenty of homophobia already amongst their teen peers.

@Wolfgirrl We are really going round in circles now. I can't tell if we're just talking past each other or what. You've gone back about 4 pages and made a point that I already addressed, as have others, several times, and in several different ways. Children born through assisted conception do have the right to know their biological origins. That has been made clear to you repeatedly. Sometimes that right is denied them - and I believe that is wrong - but that same right is also denied to other children. So why level this one criticism at parents who needed help to conceive, and not at other parents? Again, it's a point I've made, so I fully expect you to ignore it and just repeat yourself again.

Your points about house size and schools etc - I don't know where you're going there, but it doesn't seem relevant.

@MaggieAndHopey

Children born through assisted conceptiondohave the right to know their biological origins. That has been made clear to you repeatedly. Sometimes that right is denied them - and I believe that is wrong - but that same right is also denied to other children. So why level this one criticism at parents who needed help to conceive, and not at other parents?

I have addressed this. They're not allowed to contact them until they're 18. That is an entire childhood & emotional teenage years of not even being able to hear their voice or see their face. What point is there contacting them? It would be hard to form any kind of meaningful relationship after so many years. There are so many reasons why that is not compensation.

It is also not right for non donor conceived kids to be walked out on by their father/mother, and if there was a thread about that, I would say the same thing.

The only way to defeat homophobia is to confront it every time, even within families.

Wolff whatever is a troll, probably best to just ignore and not engage with him/ her

@Wolfgirrl
"I have addressed this. They're not allowed to contact them until they're 18. That is an entire childhood & emotional teenage years of not even being able to hear their voice or see their face. What point is there contacting them? It would be hard to form any kind of meaningful relationship after so many years. There are so many reasons why that is not compensation."

Just curious, would you think it not "right" for a child of a rape victim to not know their biological rapist father? If the mother had decided that was how she wanted to raise the child?

Gaylordfockr that doesn't always work

If you don’t feed them I find they bob off somewhere else to stir... the lack of attention usually does it. Particularly with the younger/ immature ones.

Just curious, would you think it not "right" for a child of a rape victim to not know their biological rapist father? If the mother had decided that was how she wanted to raise the child? what a ridiculous comparison

@Cecily75

Just curious, would you think it not "right" for a child of a rape victim to not know their biological rapist father? If the mother had decided that was how she wanted to raise the child?

That's a good question actually.

However in this case the father would pose a clear safeguarding risk to the child and therefore the benefit of knowing him does not outweigh the detriment. If they personally wanted to know I guess that would be a conversation for them and their mum. But I think we can all agree it is a different kettle of fish.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers what a ridiculous comparison

I just wanted to know how far Wolfgirrl was willing to take her stance to, who knows the limits of her opinions...

🤷‍♀️ and I've told you. Nobody ever answers my questions.

It's one topics I dont get into wothninlaws as I know they would come out with the same crap. Either we chnage subject or just leave as no worth a family argument as they wont chnage or listen to sense

Yeah they do... as said you're la la la, not listening - if you really were open to listening, you'd see the answers. Closed off. It's a sad but fascinating mindset to me

@LemonadeAndDaisyChains

I'm not la la la, I just think the excuses here are rubbish.
'Theres worse things out there like dads that run off'
'They get to contact the donor when they're 18 if the donor is british and if it is post 2005'
'You're so homophobic' (?!)
'All you need is love'

None of these are good reasons to intentionally deprive a child of being or both biological parents.

I just wanted to know how far Wolfgirrl was willing to take her stance to, who knows the limits of her opinions well as stated in an earlier post they stated, as most logical minds can comprehend, biological parents aren’t always the optimum option to raise a child. However the opinion is that no one should orchestrate a situation where a child is created deliberately with the intention of them not having one of their parents in the picture. Like I’ve said too, my mum died, shit happens, but it doesn’t mean I don’t think my children need their mum and I’m disposable

What @Cecily75 said

My Dad's like this. One day I'll tell him the truth about my "best friend" when I was at school just to shut him up.