My parents and their views on gay/bi relationships - potential trigger warning - I don't know how to act around them now.

[stillsatonthefence]

NC as it has nothing to do with my usual threads.
I don't know if it matters but - I'm straight and this isn't about me personally.

For some reason the subject of being gay/straight/bi has been brought up when I visited my parents recently.I do not feel any different towards people based on their sexual preferences just as I do not feel any different towards anyone based on their skin colour or nationality and I think it's all a ridiculous prejudice to have.

My DM and DF are only early 50s and consider themselves fairly "young" in their mindset but have such a horrible opinion on it and I don't know how to feel about them after it became obvious a couple of weeks ago.
Things my DF said:

• same sex couples should not be allowed to marry or adopt children. I asked him what difference does it make to him and he said it offends him and marriage is for man and woman.
• He said he's ok with the fact some people are in same sex relationships but he doesn't want to see it or witness any PDA.
• children of same sex couples become gay themselves - when I asked even if it's true what's wrong about that he couldn't justify it
• he doesn't like the mannerisms of gay men and the way they behave
• tried implying gay men want to adopt "little boys" for "a reason" - I shot the conversation down there as I was completely incredulous and angry and pointed out he's clearly mistaken and talking about paedophiles not same sex couples.

Interestingly most of his statements were talking about gay men not lesbians.

My DM stayed rather silent in all this then afterwards when it was just me and her she said she doesn't mind what they choose to do but finds the thought of two men together intimately rather repulsive and icky - I was quite wound up by that point and told her that I'm sure they find the thought of a man and woman together "repulsive" too. She also said if she was adopted she wouldn't have wanted to be brought up by two men or two women - I literally had no words, just said that I don't think any child that gets adopted and welcomed into a loving, stable home and family would give two hoots if the adoptive parents gay, straight or two horned aliens with flames shooting out of their backsides.

The thing is I left completely dumbfounded at the ignorance and prejudice. I keep flashing back to the things my DF said and my mind just goes into a spin at the stupid statements.
I haven't seen them since but have had brief conversations over the phone but for some reason I feel weird about seeing them again (due this weekend) after the conversation we had.

In my head all I can think of is if either of my (currently very young) DCs ever come out as gay/bi or whatever they will be ostracised and treated differently by my parents going on their current opinions and I just want to run for the hills.

How do I proceed with this knowledge? Do I just studiously avoid any attempts at the subject next time I see them? Pretend the conversation didn't happen? Set them straight and tell them off?

AIBU to have such strong feelings about this?

My parents find gay people "exotic". For example, they were hugely entertained by a male couple at a wedding a few years back. Partly horrified, partly fascinated. The couple were just having drinks and dancing like the rest of us. It was weird to watch. My parents are late 60s, early 70s.

You can’t control people’s thoughts, but you can refuse to listen to them.
Equally you are not responsible for them either. However they are entitled to their opinions.

Interesting post. I am a similar age to your parents and dont share those views at all. However my sibling - slightly younger but not much - does have those views.

I have a "normal" modern life - work, friends, interests. I mix enjoyably with people from multiple ethnicities, religions, sexual and gender orientations. I also have children - some of whom are struggling with typical relationships. My sibling has none of that and is quite a loner. I do wonder if the lack of exposure and lack of being with others different to yourself concretes those views. I have lost it with my sibling at various points over the years - with views such as abortion is wrong; boss cant tell you what to do; child being gay - well that's wrong. etc. I am told I have the problem and I am angry.

My sibling is golden child so it does make family relations difficult. I often wonder when our parents die whether I will see this sibling much.

But I also wonder where those views have come from. Our parents were born well before before WWII. So genuinely I can understand why they might find eg homosexuality (in the UK) not OK. They were middle-aged when it became legal. But despite that neither of my parents expressed homophobic or racist views (ever) and welcomed genuinely all of my friends and wider family into their home, regardless of sexuality, nationality, ethnicity etc. So what have been the (adverse) influences on sibling? I no longer care and stay true to what I believe.

@Komacho yes. My feelings on the matter have nothing to do with the sexuality of the parent. Many parents have children in 'straight' relationships before coming out etc. No issue, kids know both parents. Well if one of them hasn't buggered off or something!

@Ballybeyondthepail

But it isnt all about you. You have written a lot about 'your' choice, the babies have no choice. If you even try and broach the topic of the baby's rights people call you a bigot and then ignore you. I think because really there is no way around it; either you are 100% supportive of a person's right to produce a child that will never know one of their bio parents, never know half of their extended bio family, always wonder if they have inadvertently met a siblings, whether it affects their relationship with their non bio parent, possibly have feelings of not belonging or feel 'other'. We shouldn't take the view in medicine that 'because we can, we should' where it affects an unconsenting individual. And yes I know many babies are born into less than optimal backgrounds, but that is a separate issue to this one. There should be some body that regulates whether or not these things are ethical. At the moment it is all quite experimental, which worries me. Adults see it as a risk worth taking to fulfil their own needs.

Adults see it as a risk worth taking to fulfil their own needs Agreed! It’s also predominantly people raised by their conventional biological mother and father who make statements like “you don’t need to know your biology, all you need is love”.

I'm not trying to be deliberately provocative or upset anyone, but these threads seem to have a totalitarian undertone, either you agree with OP 100% or you are the worst person to walk the fact of the planet. Nothing is beyond debate/scrutiny, even issues relating to reproduction, or any topic. I regularly see threads on here with people disapproving of my life choices, but 🤷‍♀️ that's fine. Either I engage with them properly or I just dont click on it. It isnt personal.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

It’s also predominantly people raised by their conventional biological mother and father who make statements like “you don’t need to know your biology, all you need is love”.

This exactly. It's like a mantra they tell themselves because really they have no idea how it will affect their child, they've never been through it.

I get the same frustration when people get up in arms about a BAME child up for adoption not being given to the Caucasian family

A friend of mine went to her nieces birthday party a few months back, she said there was a child there with two dads and saying how lovely it was. I said I thought the statement was strange, all I see is a child without a mother, no one looked at me as a child whose mother had died and said how sweet it was that my dad was only raising me.
And we all have to agree or god forbid we are bigots and dated ....

As for OP 99% of what your parents said was disgusting- challenge their views but you won’t change them.

Because I personally believe a child has a right to know both of their biological parents, for better or for worse. It should be an existential human right.

@Wolfgirrl, you seem to assume that children of gay lesbian couples can't possibly know their fathers. In the case of the children in the household I'm talking about, they certainly do.

@Pobblebonk

If you actually read my posts I am not talking about gay or lesbian couples. I am talking about the use of egg or sperm donation, which just happens to be more prevalent among gay or lesbian couples.

Their views are supported by scripture.

Lol. They take the bits of the scriptures that suits them you mean. Bigots.

This exactly. It's like a mantra they tell themselves because really they have no idea how it will affect their child, they've never been through it.

Where as most kids that grow up with a mum and dad or knowing their mum and dad are not negatively affected by them at all. You’re living on another planet to the rest of us.

@JamesArthursEyelashes

Just because other kids have bad experiences with their bio parents, it doesnt make this right either.

Totally false comparison.

Just because other kids have bad experiences with their bio parents, it doesnt make this right either.

Doesn’t make it wrong either. No matter what you claim your bible says because it suits your bigoted views.

@JamesArthursEyelashes

I never mentioned the Bible.

I did however mention tangible reasons why donor conception can be a bad thing.

You would do better by arguing why it is a good thing for a child. But the fact you jump on the predictable lines - bigot, etc - suggests you can't.

You would do better by arguing why it is a good thing for a child. But the fact you jump on the predictable lines - bigot, etc - suggests you can't.

I’m aware of your views from other threads. I’m in no doubt you’re a bigot hiding behind Christianity. A child that has a loving parent or parents is a good thing. Sexuality doesn’t play a part in you making a good parent.

@JamesArthursEyelashes

I have never once mentioned Christianity. You're making stuff up because it is easier for you to make out I'm some kind of religious nut than to concede there is some truth in what I'm saying. Classic attack the person.

Why don't people adopt rather than use donor eggs/sperm?

I honestly find it utterly bizarre that anyone would be so invested in the sex life of a stranger as to have an opinion of it. It's honestly a bit creepy to spend your spare time pondering over the sex lives of strangers and actively deciding to judge them in a variety of hypothetical situations.

@stillsatonthefence
I'd be interested to know how many times your DF has been faced with 'witnessing' PDAs from same sex couples? How often does this occur that he's had to think about it to the point where he's developed a moral position on it? I live in a cosmopolitan capital city and still see same-sex PDAs fairly infrequently (though it's also possible I actually don't notice it!).

To me it seems a bizarre and slightly weird interest in the sex lives of strangers and I'd find that a bit 'unusual', regardless of the obvious bigotry.

I'd challenge it directly - 'how would you feel if DS was gay?' ' Why do you spend so much time thinking about the behaviour of strangers?' 'Why does it matter to you who a stranger has sex with?'

Hey @Wolfgirrl, I’m not sure you understand how using a sperm donor in the UK works. Two regulated options for a woman wanting to use a donor - (a) use somebody she knows, in which case your concerns are fully resolved because the child will know it’s parent; or (b) use a donor, which for treatment in the U.K. requires a donor who agrees to be fully contactable by the child once they turn 18, so again your concerns are met because the child will always have an opportunity to find out about their biological father.

Of course, I already suspect you will respond to say that (b) isn’t a valid answer, because they can’t meet them until 18. But all clinics provide details on the donor (varying but may include personal notes, background, photos, family history etc) and all children will know that once they reach a certain age they will be able to meet their donor.

All meaningful research in this area has shown that the most important thing for a child to grow up well balanced and secure in itself is to have ONE strong attachment to an adult. There is nothing that evidences that that needs to be a biological parent at all, or therefore two biological parents. You thinking that that isn’t true doesn’t make it untrue. As I say there are countless studies that show this.

You seem very focused on gay couples in your posts: but of course your theory would also suggest that women shouldn’t have children if their husbands are infertile (or they are), or that single mums can’t raise happy children, or that women whose husbands die when their children are young won’t be able to raise well balanced and happy children, or that adopted children can’t be as happy as non adopted children. None of these statements are true. And that’s because the most important thing for any child is to have one strong and safe attachment to at least one adult.

Why is it when anyone mentions in favour of Gay they have to put race with it. They are not the same thing and news flash their are gays of different race.

And gays don't find straight sex "repulsive" they're just not interested in it.

I get you're trying to sound all "right" but you came of offensive. Literally rolled my eyes at this whole post let alone what your parents thing

It’s astonishing that middle-aged people who grew up in the 1980s, and who are not particularly religious can hold such backward and bigoted views.

I am around the same age as them, and I’m well aware that there has always been a huge generation gap between my generation and that of my parents who were born in the 1940s & 50s and grew up at a time when being gay was a criminal offence. Most of society had moved on by the 80s, though...

Realistically, OP, unless you want to cut contact with your parents you are going to have to agree to differ on this and avoid the issue. I have had to do the same with my parents because I came to realise that bigotry which is rooted in ignorance and lack of education cannot be overcome by debate and evidence.

Most of my family have the same views as your Dad OP.

I often wonder how I am related to them!

It's also quite common for people their age to feel like that about it

How peculiar. I'm getting on for 70 and had the same problem with an uncle when I was young, who thought that all homosexuals should be shot.

I presume there are homophobes of all ages, but certainly most of my age group are not homophobic