My parents and their views on gay/bi relationships - potential trigger warning - I don't know how to act around them now.

[stillsatonthefence]

NC as it has nothing to do with my usual threads.
I don't know if it matters but - I'm straight and this isn't about me personally.

For some reason the subject of being gay/straight/bi has been brought up when I visited my parents recently.I do not feel any different towards people based on their sexual preferences just as I do not feel any different towards anyone based on their skin colour or nationality and I think it's all a ridiculous prejudice to have.

My DM and DF are only early 50s and consider themselves fairly "young" in their mindset but have such a horrible opinion on it and I don't know how to feel about them after it became obvious a couple of weeks ago.
Things my DF said:

• same sex couples should not be allowed to marry or adopt children. I asked him what difference does it make to him and he said it offends him and marriage is for man and woman.
• He said he's ok with the fact some people are in same sex relationships but he doesn't want to see it or witness any PDA.
• children of same sex couples become gay themselves - when I asked even if it's true what's wrong about that he couldn't justify it
• he doesn't like the mannerisms of gay men and the way they behave
• tried implying gay men want to adopt "little boys" for "a reason" - I shot the conversation down there as I was completely incredulous and angry and pointed out he's clearly mistaken and talking about paedophiles not same sex couples.

Interestingly most of his statements were talking about gay men not lesbians.

My DM stayed rather silent in all this then afterwards when it was just me and her she said she doesn't mind what they choose to do but finds the thought of two men together intimately rather repulsive and icky - I was quite wound up by that point and told her that I'm sure they find the thought of a man and woman together "repulsive" too. She also said if she was adopted she wouldn't have wanted to be brought up by two men or two women - I literally had no words, just said that I don't think any child that gets adopted and welcomed into a loving, stable home and family would give two hoots if the adoptive parents gay, straight or two horned aliens with flames shooting out of their backsides.

The thing is I left completely dumbfounded at the ignorance and prejudice. I keep flashing back to the things my DF said and my mind just goes into a spin at the stupid statements.
I haven't seen them since but have had brief conversations over the phone but for some reason I feel weird about seeing them again (due this weekend) after the conversation we had.

In my head all I can think of is if either of my (currently very young) DCs ever come out as gay/bi or whatever they will be ostracised and treated differently by my parents going on their current opinions and I just want to run for the hills.

How do I proceed with this knowledge? Do I just studiously avoid any attempts at the subject next time I see them? Pretend the conversation didn't happen? Set them straight and tell them off?

AIBU to have such strong feelings about this?

@SimonJT

But I havent said that same sex couples cannot make good parents.

You're literally arguing against something I have never said! Ridiculous.

@Fishisjumpin

But why did you have donor conceived children? Presumably because you or your partner wanted a biological connection to them?

So why then dismiss the child's need to have a connection with their biological father?

I'm not trying to upset you, I'm genuinely curious as to how this mindset can be squared.

I'm sure your kids are very happy & you love them unconditionally, I am really not for a single second suggesting you are in some way less better than a straight parent.

But they are still kids. The generation of children conceived through donors have not grown into full adulthood yet, which is when insecurities tend to surface.

[quote Wolfgirrl]@SimonJT

But I havent said that same sex couples cannot make good parents.

You're literally arguing against something I have never said! Ridiculous.[/quote]
You’ll note that I haven’t written saying that you wrote that. So not sure why you’re imagining posts of mine.

@SimonJT

You called me homophobic (yet again, without any context) and posted an article on the happiness of same sex couples children.

I'm not interested in that, I'm talking about donor conceived children in any family set up.

@ItWasNotOK Of course they are ‘allowed’ to hold them, but they aren’t differences in opinion. They are objectively incorrect. Gay couples don’t adopt so they can molest children. Children adopted by gay couples are not more likely to be gay. Not all gay men have the same ‘mannerisms’. I’m not saying that people need to take a look at themselves because they don’t ‘condemn’ the OP’s parents as they should - you’ll note that I didn’t suggest the OP themselves should condemn them, as that can be difficult - but they do need to assess their behaviour if they think people being treated equally (or not) is a matter of opinion.

[quote Wolfgirrl]@SimonJT

You called me homophobic (yet again, without any context) and posted an article on the happiness of same sex couples children.

I'm not interested in that, I'm talking about donor conceived children in any family set up.[/quote]
You are homophobic, rememeber your homophobic comments and you entire thread getting deleted?

You will note that I quoted someone who posted an article, that doesn’t mean I posted the article link.

"I’m not saying that people need to take a look at themselves because they don’t ‘condemn’ the OP’s parents as they should - you’ll note that I didn’t suggest the OP themselves should condemn them, as that can be difficult - but they do need to assess their behaviour if they think people being treated equally (or not) is a matter of opinion."

So now it's not ok to just not be homophobic ourselves, we also need to actively assess whether it is ok for other people to hold certain views too or we'll get scolded?

I've had plenty of prejudiced shit in my life too, but I can accept that many people are just a bit ignorant and believe random shit because they haven't had much exposure to differing viewpoints or lifestyles. As long as such people leave me in peace, I'm really not that bothered by what they think. We are never going to live in a world where everyone accepts everyone else.

He is allowed different opinions OP. They should at least be informed opinions though!

If someone doesn't agree with gay marriage it could be on religious Grounds.

The gay pedophile thing is ridiculous though, as is the generalisation of how gay men act.

Personally I agree if a gay couple can provide a stable loving home there is no reason why they should be excluded. They are held to the same parental standard as everyone else.

There will always be areas of disagreement, don't fly off the handle or try and convince them of your righteousness it won't work. If they specifically exclude someone for being gay that's a different thing but They can say whatever they want to say and be as ignorant as they want to be in their own house.

Nah, it's not an age thing. I'm 60 next year, and I don't hold those views, so I'm not sure how 'common in that age group' it is. Maybe 'common in groups of bigots of that age' might be more accurate.

@MaggieAndHopey I’m pretty sure the children of gay parents are going to realise quite early on that there is a donor involved even if their parents don’t tell them 😂 - I know many, many gay people who have had children with a donor and not one (seriously not one) has hidden that from their child or intends not to be open with them about their donor. A number have the donor actively in the child’s life. Do you have any data to support your concerns? Otherwise, my statement isn’t moot, it’s yours that has no basis and is simply trying to undermine gay parents 🤷‍♀️

@SimonJT

Firstly my thread was specifically about the ethics of certain fertility treatments. It did not mention sexuality whatsoever.

Secondly it was deleted as 'not in the spirit' whatever that means.

Thirdly you keep wheeling out the H word yet are never, ever able to say what I have said that a) disapproves of same sex couples or b) implies they are inferior parents.

Every time I ask you just call me a homophobe again because you have no real response.

@Wolfgirrl - you keep saying that you are interested and want to understand, but you clearly do not because when people try very clearly to explain and to challenge your views, you dismiss them out of hand. Clearly you are of the view that the ONLY people who should have children or who are capable or raising biological children are heterosexual, fully fertile parents who are sure they won’t die and that they will not separate before the child hits 18. Good luck to everyone hitting your target, something tells me if everybody applied that we may have a population shortage.

The point you keep failing to address is that the evidence shows that for a child to grow up happy the most important thing is that it has ONE secure attachment to an adult. Why do you ignore this point?

‘ But why did you have donor conceived children?’

As opposed to what, getting them from the big baby shop at the mall? Why does anyone want to have children? Why to straight couples go through years of ivf trauma to conceive when they can’t naturally?
We decided to have children, therefore had children, it really is that simple.

It did not mention sexuality whatsoever.

Says the poster who agreed with two contributors to his/her thread that gay men shouldn’t have children because of CSA.

@Shamoo

Now you're just making stuff up.

I have said numerous times, I think there should be some kind of agency that pairs same sex couples with a single person of the opposite sex looking to have children. Happy result for everyone, baby knows both its bio parents.

@Fishisjumpin

Yes but why not apply to adopt?

@Shamoo - did you read my post? I'm an egg donor, and I'm not talking about gay parents specifically, just the ethics of donation - which clearly I am in favour of!

@SimonJT A lot of straight men assume gay men are raging pervs because they project their own attitudes to straight women onto gay men. They assume because they objectify and creep on straight women, gay men will treat them the same way. Which is ridiculous, everyone's got their own tastes. I mean, I'm bisexual but I don't want to bang everyone I see.

Someone I know has similar views about children being born out of wedlock and how being gay is a sin. She isn't hugely religious herself , but does have what I would term ' old fashioned' views the sort my own parents had ( but didn't voice that much but I knew they felt similar )
My mum didn't cope with the fact that my dh was adopted ( by a man and a women)
She would have combusted if he had been brought up by two women or two men I'm sure. It's just how they were.
I don't think this way and much more tolerant myself , live and let live, but I accept that others have very narrow perspectives and views (they mostly keep hidden. )
I don't know how to speak to anyone with such outlooks really : surely free speech shouldn't just be about everyone agreeing with everyone: we all hold different points of views and opinions about things. A lot of it is a lack of education or just plain prejudice and it's not always people that are older that hold these opinions. I think people would be surprised if they knew people's real feelings about things including a lot of younger people too.
I guess you can either go no contact or just accept this is how they think. It's hard but I've learned to accept that not everyone thinks like me. It's not easy though when you hear such prejudice and anything around adoption always rankles with me.

@Shamoo don’t feed the troll anymore!

@Fishisjumpin

Why am I a troll for morally disagreeing with donor conception? Is everybody that disagrees with you, even with well thought out reasons, a troll?

OP - just goes to show that your parents areN’t alone in their ignorance and bigotry. Don’t know if that makes you feel better or worse about them.

I'm not a troll. I started reading this thread out of interest, and posted because - as someone with two lots of direct experience of egg donation from the donor perspective - I agree that children do have a right to know about their biological parentage. But how this would happen in reality is a difficult question and not one I am equipped to answer - probably the current situation, where parents are advised but not required to be open with their children, is the best workable solution.

@Wolfgirrl I disagree with you but I don't think you're a troll.

I think it's really sad that many on the left these days are unable to sustain a discussion without dismissing different opinions by resorting to insults.

Wolfgirrl

Why is it homophobic to say a child needs to know their biological parents, gay or straight?
It isn't homophobic to say that at all. I agree with that statement. I don't agree with sperm or egg donation or surrogacy. Children's rights to know or at least know of their biological parents is important. You only have to watch 'Long lost families' to know that.

Children born through egg or sperm donation do have the right to know about their biological parentage though - there's been a change in the law to ensure that.

My own point was that in sometimes parents - for a number of reasons - don't feel able to disclose to their children the circumstances of their conception and birth, and in those situations the child may never find out - or may find out accidentally in later life, as of course many adopted children do as well.