My parents and their views on gay/bi relationships - potential trigger warning - I don't know how to act around them now.

[stillsatonthefence]

NC as it has nothing to do with my usual threads.
I don't know if it matters but - I'm straight and this isn't about me personally.

For some reason the subject of being gay/straight/bi has been brought up when I visited my parents recently.I do not feel any different towards people based on their sexual preferences just as I do not feel any different towards anyone based on their skin colour or nationality and I think it's all a ridiculous prejudice to have.

My DM and DF are only early 50s and consider themselves fairly "young" in their mindset but have such a horrible opinion on it and I don't know how to feel about them after it became obvious a couple of weeks ago.
Things my DF said:

• same sex couples should not be allowed to marry or adopt children. I asked him what difference does it make to him and he said it offends him and marriage is for man and woman.
• He said he's ok with the fact some people are in same sex relationships but he doesn't want to see it or witness any PDA.
• children of same sex couples become gay themselves - when I asked even if it's true what's wrong about that he couldn't justify it
• he doesn't like the mannerisms of gay men and the way they behave
• tried implying gay men want to adopt "little boys" for "a reason" - I shot the conversation down there as I was completely incredulous and angry and pointed out he's clearly mistaken and talking about paedophiles not same sex couples.

Interestingly most of his statements were talking about gay men not lesbians.

My DM stayed rather silent in all this then afterwards when it was just me and her she said she doesn't mind what they choose to do but finds the thought of two men together intimately rather repulsive and icky - I was quite wound up by that point and told her that I'm sure they find the thought of a man and woman together "repulsive" too. She also said if she was adopted she wouldn't have wanted to be brought up by two men or two women - I literally had no words, just said that I don't think any child that gets adopted and welcomed into a loving, stable home and family would give two hoots if the adoptive parents gay, straight or two horned aliens with flames shooting out of their backsides.

The thing is I left completely dumbfounded at the ignorance and prejudice. I keep flashing back to the things my DF said and my mind just goes into a spin at the stupid statements.
I haven't seen them since but have had brief conversations over the phone but for some reason I feel weird about seeing them again (due this weekend) after the conversation we had.

In my head all I can think of is if either of my (currently very young) DCs ever come out as gay/bi or whatever they will be ostracised and treated differently by my parents going on their current opinions and I just want to run for the hills.

How do I proceed with this knowledge? Do I just studiously avoid any attempts at the subject next time I see them? Pretend the conversation didn't happen? Set them straight and tell them off?

AIBU to have such strong feelings about this?

It is a difficult position to be in but unfortunately not as uncommon as you may think. Many people will say they are accepting of same sex couples but when they are actually in the presence of them you can see them tense up. I think a lot of this is to do with a lack of knowledge and exposure. My DH was like this but as I have a large number of gay friends and some members of my family are gay, he had to address his views. I think it was difficult for him as it challenged his view of himself but now he is very relaxed and has some great relationships and friendships within that group .

Maybe you could ask your parents what they would do and how they would feel if you had come out as gay to them. Would they be supportive? Challenge them what if your kids are gay would that change their view of them? Just to bring it closer to home and challenge their “othering” perspective

He clearly then googled them at some point as he later put in a complaint about me watching the kids at rugby tots. I’m taking over the franchise in September, a handful of parents have removed their children as they see me as a safety issue because I’m obviously going to put on a sex show and swing my knob around while instructing the kids.

I had to read this a few times as I thought I must have read it wrong. Sadly not. I feel so bad that some children have parents like this and also that you have to deal with shit like this.

In defence of religious people, they're not all like that - my Italian Catholic DM in her early 60s happily let me play round the house of the little girls with 2 mums 25 odd years ago. One of the mums (they split up) is still one of her best friends today.

PILs have some objectionable views (mainly about gender and people from different countries), me and DH contradict them every single time as we don't want them repeating them infront of the DC. It's really sad but MIL doesn't know BIL is gay

I'm staring 50 in the headlights, and there is no way in hell that these are my views.

My 82 year old mother - no way in hell these are her views.

Good thing, seeing as how one of my daughters is gay, and the other is bi'.

On the other hand - one of my sisters, who is 57, yep, these are her views. Only more extreme.

Bigotry and homophobia is not the sole province of an age group. It is of a mind set - generally a fairly narrow one, for whatever reason.

If my parents said this I would lose my temper with them at the time and we would have a huge argument. But they wouldn't say this because they don't think it; they wouldn't accept 'age' as an excuse from their peers either. My dad openly admits he had homophobic views when younger and is ashamed of them now and would expect his peers to, having had access to the same information as he does, to have undergone the same learning and realisation that homophobic beliefs are bullshit.

I know many 50 year olds who do not share this opinion, it is really not an age thing, it is a bigot thing. My grandmother knew a lesbian couple when she was 25 and was fine with it, told me she thought it was sad how hard they had to work to hide it. She shed a little tear of happiness when gay marriage was legalised, remembering her friends from so long ago.

However, I came out as bi, possibly lesbian, to my mother when I was 15 and she literally ignored me and walked out of the room whenever I tried to mention it. Now because I am married to a man she has apparently decided I am straight. She even asked me why I had a rainbow flag in my profile once despite knowing I dated women many times before meeting my husband.

My husband was very disappointed in his own mother when I mentioned my two married gay friends were coming to our wedding. She became very weird about it and seemed relieved when we said they didn't have children.

I think there is still a lot of homophobia out there sadly and people just hide it more these days. My own cousin's husband had an absolute fit when his son played with dolls and said he would end up gay - he's 25.

I would find it very difficult not to argue about this. I did have a huge row with my aunt once over gay marriage - she has been married 3 times and was complaining about my friend's getting married (two women). I pointed out that they had been together for 16 years, longer than any of her marriages combined and in fact, they are celebrating their 6th wedding anniversary shortly. She was the same when they adopted - I pointed out what kids want are good parents, other than that it doesn't matter. My two friends are certainly loving, wonderful parents, very different from my own abusive dad and distant mother.

I’m gay and my mum was like this, I came out and it ruined our relationship. She’s since apologised and is completely different now, so people can change, but I can’t forgot how she treated me when I was at my most vulnerable and needed her support the most.

Unfortunately, they’ve become very right wing over the past few years (including my brother and sister in law who are younger than me) and have a number of very controversial views about non white people, that would be ignorant at best and racist at worst. They like to discuss these almost every time I see them and no matter how much I politely refute their statements it doesn’t change anything, so I give up discussing it. They see me as a “lefty liberal snowflake” who “doesn’t live in the real world” and I see them as ignorant and brainwashed by right wing propaganda on Facebook. I still love them, but I can’t lie that it’s put a strain on our relationship at times and makes me like a bit of an outsider as our views are so radically different.

@FudgeBrownie2019

From my own observations, huge significance. They are the building blocks of your life and where it all began. On an emotional level many people who dont know their bio parent(s) suffer emotionally even if their family are loving & stable. Also reasons such as medical history, not accidentally entering into a relationship with a sibling, etc.

www.theguardian.com/science/2016/aug/29/sperm-donor-deceivers-dream-turns-nightmare

You can't always change views.

My family are devout christian- homophobic, racist, misogynistic.
I don'y even try to change their perspective.

I have had this from my parents. I was terrified to come out to them. When I finally did they then turned round and said they had no issue and were happy as long as I’m happy. I think they’ve moved with the times, finally, but my mother still goes to embarrassing lengths to tell everybody how tolerant she is.

Racism however is another matter. I have argued endlessly when they’ve spouted racist views. Now they just say ‘I know you won’t like me saying this but (insert racist statement).’ I suppose the only saving grace is that they don’t do it in front of other people.

It makes me really angry when they’re racist but I have two choices, object and call them out, or cut contact. I don’t really want to cut contact with my parents because other than that we get on quite well most of the time. It’s bloody infuriating though.

My family are devout christian- homophobic, racist, misogynistic.
I don'y even try to change their perspective.

Misguided Christians then. Like Wolfgirl?

[quote Wolfgirrl]@FudgeBrownie2019

From my own observations, huge significance. They are the building blocks of your life and where it all began. On an emotional level many people who dont know their bio parent(s) suffer emotionally even if their family are loving & stable. Also reasons such as medical history, not accidentally entering into a relationship with a sibling, etc.

www.theguardian.com/science/2016/aug/29/sperm-donor-deceivers-dream-turns-nightmare[/quote]
But your own observations can't be empirical evidence that every child needs those blocks. For some, sure they could be a positive thing. For others, I would guess that going down that route could cause huge disruption and trauma. Blanket statements like "all children need to know their bio parents" could cause huge issues in the lives of children who, frankly, don't need any additional disruption or stress adding to their already fragile sense of the world and their place in it.

I am one of 13 children who were removed from our parents. Not one of us ever went back and found them. We've all had our crosses to bear, our issues and our complexities. But none of those complexities or problems would have been resolved by chasing some imaginary dream of 'roots' and 'home'. Roots and home don't always exist in the past.

And on an emotional level many people who don't know their bio parents have suffered emotionally because of them. I agree re the sibling thing, but DC knowing bio parents wouldn't necessarily remove that risk - if a sibling has been removed and has chosen not to make contact, the risk is still there.

JamesArthursEyelashes

Their views are supported by scripture.

It's just so backwards to me.

They're not religious. They were brought up Christian and attended church and so on as it was the norm for pretty much everyone when they were growing up but never really practiced it was just the done thing back then.

Unfortunately they (and me I guess) come from a different country where there are still huge levels of homophobia - there's even protests against any form of legalisation of marriage and it's disgusting. But they never actually indicated they have these views.

They have socialised with gay people before and were friendly with them. They worked with a gay man and he was very camp and OTT (hand gestures and all) and they found him funny but now they think that's the way most gay men are.

My DF was saying how he "disagrees with it" but it's almost like he expected me to say - oh that's ok then since you disagree with something that has nothing to do with you of course it should be outlawed and forbidden

I think I will just not bring it up and I hope they won't either but if any of my children are gay/bi they are either on board with it or out. And so and so help me if they try and say anything to my DCs!

@FudgeBrownie2019

I'm really not talking about adoption, where it is likely the parents are unfit/negligent/dangerous as I can der the detriment of knowing them can outweight any benefits.

I'm more talking about donor conceived children, where from the outset the parent seek to create a child that does not know one of its bio parents for no good reason.

*see

[quote Wolfgirrl]@FudgeBrownie2019

I'm really not talking about adoption, where it is likely the parents are unfit/negligent/dangerous as I can der the detriment of knowing them can outweight any benefits.

I'm more talking about donor conceived children, where from the outset the parent seek to create a child that does not know one of its bio parents for no good reason.[/quote]
Do you feel the same way about straight couples who use donors because of infertility?

I was once in the dentist chair, mid-filling, while the dentist suddenly started spouting off about “not believing in” gay people. That it was a disgusting phase, they shouldn’t be allowed to marry blah blah blah. This was a dentist that had just taken over so I’d not met her before. I’d have said she was 40. I was so disgusted I walked out after my appointment and told them I wouldn’t be back and would take my custom elsewhere, and exactly why. Sadly, homophobia is rife.

‘as above gay people can build families in an ethical way’

‘Ethical’ way? Straight people, or any people, luckily don’t get to tell gay people what they can and can’t do anymore. Which means we choose if we have families and how we have those families.
I have been told I should be gay. I have been told it’s okay to be gay ( thanks!) but I should be ‘discreet’ about it. I’ve been told it’s okay to be gay but not if I got married. I’ve been told my marriage isn’t really a marriage. I’ve been told that someone is fine with me being gay and even being married but I shouldn’t have kids.
It’s not YOUR business how I, or my wife, live our lives anymore than it’s my business how and when you had your kids, got married or didn’t, big to church or don’t etc etc

And so and so help me if they try and say anything to my DCs!‘

Good for you OP - it would be easy to just take the easy route. I would go mad at our GPs if they shared racist or similar views with my kids.

I'm surprised at how young they are. They're probably a similar age to me and I, like my friends, couldn't care less about sexual inclination (apart from paedos and beastiality etc l. I think we are the first generation to never know homosexuality as illegal.

What gets me about (seemingly) heterosexual men is that they are openly homophobic but salivate over lesbian sex. A!L!L! O!F! T!H!E!M!
Err....I thought lesbian sex was homosexuality too you fucking hypocrites.

I’m amazed that people in their early 50s have such old fashioned views. I’m the same age and can it understand their mindset at all. Don’t get it

Cannot understand their mindset

People have different views about lots of things. As long as they don't go out threatening others or trying to stop them living their lives, I just try to accept it and avoid conversations where we won't get anywhere.

I come from a country where likely 99% of people think the same way as your parents. And yet still manage to be perfectly polite and kind to gay people.