DH's dinner lesson

[SuckingDownDarjeeling]

Semi-lighthearted -

TL;DR, was I being mean to let DH cook for himself after work?

Today DH worked a late shift, coming home well after 9pm. This is the first time this has come about since having DC, but it'll be the first of many late shifts to come.

In the run up to him starting these shifts, I (being the anxious nag that I am) regularly asked him 'what would you like to do about dinner when you're working lates?' However, every time I asked, I got eye rolls and essentially a 'let's cross that bridge when we get there' response.

So tonight he came home and told me how starving he was. After asking me if I had made anything, and looking sufficiently forlorn, he started toying with the idea of ordering a takeaway. I urged him not to, as money isn't exactly flowing and we have things in the fridge that take about 25 mins to cook. He said he was too tired to go and put something in the oven.

In the end my pleas worked and he opted to go and put something in the over for himself. But he did so grudgingly, telling me how hungry and tired he was.

So let me be clear, I could have cobbled something together after DC went to sleep. It crossed my mind, but I thought to myself it would be better to leave it, because I would really like him to realise it's best to plan these things with me beforehand instead of expecting me to come through with solutions unprompted, and also I was tired and wanted to watch YouTube in bed.

What's the general opinion here? Was I too harsh? Should I have made something and said to him 'next time please tell me what you want before your night shift'? Or was I right to let him 'learn this lesson'? There's a fine line between being cruel, and being cruel to be kind!

Why not just make him something at the same time as you are making your own/ children's and let him reheat? If he doesn't like that, then yes he should sort out his own.

As poster above

As 2 posters above, why would you not cook enough for him? It's a bit mean if he's out until 9 and you're cooking anyway

Yeah seems a bit unkind. He'll be knackered and hangry. I'd have just left him some of what you had eaten earlier and given him short shrift if he moaned.

It all seems a bit fraught just over some food, is this part of a larger issue around wife work?

YANBU you asked him what he wanted and he refused to give you an answer. So you were supposed to either magically read his mind as to what he wanted. Or guess, put the effort and cost in to making him something at the risk of him not fancying it. It's the mental load thing again, why should you have to work out what he wants for his dinner. Maybe he'll learn to ask you in advance now

I would have put him a plate up when I was cooking already. He's not a child he doesn't need to be taught some sort of lesson. Tbh I'd be pissed if my partner didn't put me a plate up when he was cooking and I came home from a night shift. Who wants to cook at 9pm!

If my husband is working late he just gets a portion put aside when I make dinner for the children and me. My husband does the same for me when im on a late shift.

If I couldn't put a portion aside or its something that wouldn't be very nice reheated, I certainly would begrudge putting something quick on for him. Likewise I know he would do the same for me

It’s a shame but I don’t think you were being unreasonable. He couldn’t be bothered to make a plan when you raised it, just assumed you’d look after him when it came to the crunch.

He does need to think though. Eating a meal and then going straight to bed is a bad idea, certainly avoid takeaways, shift work and fatty food will lead him to health problems.

Can he have a meal earlier in the day, then a snack at night? Something easy to digest,I’d suggest.

If my dh is not home for dinner either working late or pissing off to some sporting event I leave him out of our dinner plans. He can make his own dinner, I’m not making his because of timings, especially if he’s been golfing and twatting balls around the course.
Sometimes dh will come home late and he’s got himself a pasty or something. He can sort himself out, he’s an adult.

You're not a restaurant, just make dinner for all of you and put his portion aside to reheat when he comes home.

I'm pretty much having to employ this strategy myself atm over a recurring issue with my DH. I've tried pointing out the issue til I'm blue in the face but he takes no notice so now I've just removed myself from the equation instead. There will be no more bailing out, filling gaps or rescuing him if he refuses to put a bit of forethought/apply a bit of common sense to the situation. So no, I don't think you were cruel to let him feel the consequences of his actions/inaction, hopefully he'll think about it beforehand next time.

I dont think its unkind at all. You offered, he blew you off. What he was wanting was you to get up at 9pm and start cooking for him. That would be a nope.
Maybe next time he wont blow you off

Serves him right for his eyerolling.i think this wasn't too harsh at all. He is a grown man, he can sort himself out,

YANBU, he should have engaged with the topic when you raised it instead of constantly rolling his eyes and putting you off.

As above I’d have made enough for him when I cooked for me and the dc, and he could heat it up when he got in (I do that for Ds1 when he’s working or training in the evening).
However if he moaned about it you’d be more than justified in leaving him to fend for himself next time!

YANBU I think.

I often get home after 9 and just sort something for myself.
I’ll have had a meal break earlier at work too.

Heck, I often even prepare a lasagne or something in the morning for the family to have whilst I’m at work and then re-heat myself a portion of that after work.

I do this because DH is out at work early though.

My DH has some weird issue with reheating things or microwaving them just lazy so if I plate something he will eat some cold and then say it's horrible and waste it. Usually having criticised my cooking. I can leave it in the pan to reheat and he won't. If he does a late he makes himself toast now. I can't be doing wasting food for him to make toast anyway. Good for you OP.

My husband worked shifts for years, I worked full time too and we raised 2 dc. For the love of God do not fall into trap of thinking about his meals for him. If he cba to put two seconds thought in when you are planning, its tough fucking shit later on.

Sorry for not mentioning this before but I didn't cook myself anything, I wasn't hungry and I tend to graze, so that's the reason I didn't have extra food to leave him.

Regarding the wifework question, I guess the answer there is yes. And also I regularly get tuts, sighs and eye rolls for thinking 'too far ahead'. Plus I am the only one in the house that cooks. I feel it would make my life easier to have him thinking ahead about these things instead of thinking I'll sort it out along with everything else. BUT at the same time I don't want to be callous.

Why didn’t he say he ask you if you would make something for him as well instead of eye rolling and treating you like a nag?

He can’t have it both ways, treat you like a nag and then expect you to cook for him.

Doesn’t he eat at work?

It does seem harsh, but you probably will have got the message across. Ask him again in the morning if he would like you leave some of whatever you are making for yourself. Also ask him to do a meal plan/shopping list with you, so that there can be some suitable snacks and ingredients for sandwiches/packed lunch.
You might need to repeat this a few times but it's probably worth it in the long run,especially if you trying to restrict spending.
25 mins is quite long to wait to eat after not getting home till after 9, so it would be kind to have something available that can be heated up easily, even if you don't do the heating up.

Seems v mean , I'd cook mine and leave a portion for him to heat up?

Agree, surely it's no more effort for you to make some extra from your dinner and he can reheat it? Or if it's a day when this doesn't work out, then whoever does the shopping could make sure there are a few easy options like beans on toast or soup and bread type of quick dinner in. At that time in the evening I wouldn't want to wait half an hour for dinner to cook.

So you could have made him something but instead you wanted to teach him a lesson?

Where's the kindness in that approach? I'd like to think my marriage isn't like that. If I came home at 9pm I know DH would have sorted something for me, and I'd do it for him.