DH's dinner lesson

[SuckingDownDarjeeling]

Semi-lighthearted -

TL;DR, was I being mean to let DH cook for himself after work?

Today DH worked a late shift, coming home well after 9pm. This is the first time this has come about since having DC, but it'll be the first of many late shifts to come.

In the run up to him starting these shifts, I (being the anxious nag that I am) regularly asked him 'what would you like to do about dinner when you're working lates?' However, every time I asked, I got eye rolls and essentially a 'let's cross that bridge when we get there' response.

So tonight he came home and told me how starving he was. After asking me if I had made anything, and looking sufficiently forlorn, he started toying with the idea of ordering a takeaway. I urged him not to, as money isn't exactly flowing and we have things in the fridge that take about 25 mins to cook. He said he was too tired to go and put something in the oven.

In the end my pleas worked and he opted to go and put something in the over for himself. But he did so grudgingly, telling me how hungry and tired he was.

So let me be clear, I could have cobbled something together after DC went to sleep. It crossed my mind, but I thought to myself it would be better to leave it, because I would really like him to realise it's best to plan these things with me beforehand instead of expecting me to come through with solutions unprompted, and also I was tired and wanted to watch YouTube in bed.

What's the general opinion here? Was I too harsh? Should I have made something and said to him 'next time please tell me what you want before your night shift'? Or was I right to let him 'learn this lesson'? There's a fine line between being cruel, and being cruel to be kind!

When he's not on lates, I'll ask him what he wants for dinner and go and cook it. He is also able to stay with DC while I cook so it's much easier. When I don't have help, I need to have a lot more foresight about how I'm going to get things done around the house, and meals need to be a lot simpler. Sometimes we both eat the same thing, too. I tend to cook separately for DC so for all intents and purposes I didn't leave him out of any cooking this evening.

It's a bit mean not to make/save him anything if you know he's going to be tired and hungry when he gets home.
My DH often finishes work at 10 - if I've had something for tea worth saving, I will put it in the fridge for when he gets home. If not I will message him and let him know there is nothing and depending on how hungry he is - he will either pick up something on the way home or have some toast. I wouldn't just do nothing.

Hi @SuckingDownDarjeeling
I totally get your exasperation, but DC/working lates - you need to try to help each other rather than catch each other out IMO. It sounds like you both feel underappreciated. Your DH is out working late...to provide money for the family no doubt. As you say you’re the only cook in the house...why must you work out his schedule and decide what he should eat like another child?! The truth is he probably sees it as your role.
Communicate and try to stop this issue growing arms and legs.
You have not committed the crime of the century by not cooking and neither has DH by not answering you. If the roles were reversed, I’m not sure people would think it ridiculous that DH hadn’t cooked for you!

This situation hopefully has opened up a discussion though..what would you like me to happen in future DH? and what would you like to happen since he doesn’t seem like a planner!
If he’s anything like my DH, he basically wants you to sort it out and doesn’t even want to think about. Back to the mental load issue.

I occasionally have this situ with my DH working late.
I tend to leave him leftovers.
Failing that...I have my own life too...but I am head chef/do the food shop (DH has no interest in cooking) then I try to keep house supplied with yoghurts, cheese, bread, fruit, breakfast bars. This doesn’t require much thought! Even my DH can manage to make a cheese toastie and to pick out snacks for himself. He’ll even make me one if I’m in a greedy mood (already had dinner!).
Good luck OP!

Depends on the rest of your relationship.

I am pretty useless around the house but I do like to worry and Plan and shop for meals.

I like planning in advance so I would of bought my oh something if he's working late.

If he was on a piss up with friends no , but when we work we support each other.

I know when he's busy he doesn't eat so I buy him smoothies, nuts and bars. If I couldn't be bothered to cook I would get a microwave meal

He does the same for me , gets up early with me when I leave at 6.30 to make me breakfast and lunch to take with me.

There is relationship etiquette but there is also just being together because you love each enough to care.

So it does depend what the rest of your relationship is like

I tend to cook separately for DC so for all intents and purposes I didn't leave him out of any cooking this evening.

So you never cook for him at the same time as your children, but because he got home late tonight you didn't want to cook for him at all? Apart from the time he got home, what has changed there - why will you cook for him earlier but not later?

I think situations like this arise a lot; where the mum would be happy to eat what the DC have, snack or eat leftovers and the only person really wanting a freshly cooked dinner is the DH. Yet, when he's coming in later, he somewhow expects this fresh-cooked dinner to exist as 'leftovers'.

I know that I would often not bother with a 'proper dinner' if I wasn't cooking for other people.

I think the answer is cooking extra when you do cook, so there are spare portions to freeze. Then he can heat up home-cooked ready-meals.

I don’t think it’s psssive aggressive not to want to prepare two separate meals if you’re not eating and particularly if you had asked him and he hadn’t engaged.

It might be considered unkind if you had made a family meal and withheld it from him. But that’s not what’s happened. You asked him to give you some thoughts, he didn’t bother. Why should you have to prepare a meal from scratch for someone who can’t be bothered to do you the courtesy of having a discussion about it.

He just assumed that as the woman it’s your job,

If he’s just started the shift pattern now is the best time to clear this up. Sit him down and say to him that you’re happy to make a family meal but you need a bit of warning and engagement. If he can’t spare 30 seconds to do that why should spend 25 minutes making a meal for one?

My dh often works a late which gets him home at around midnight. He either takes in a packed "lunch" to eat on his break, or he has the meal that I have left in the fridge for him. I just cook a normal dinner as if he was there and then plate his up and leave it for him.

@ChicCroissant

I tend to cook separately for DC so for all intents and purposes I didn't leave him out of any cooking this evening.

So you never cook for him at the same time as your children, but because he got home late tonight you didn't want to cook for him at all? Apart from the time he got home, what has changed there - why will you cook for him earlier but not later?

When he's home it's easier for me to make him something while he cares for DC. If he's not home at that time, I need quick things I can easily sort out without any effort or planning for his dinner. There were as I say things in the fridge he could have had, and in the end he made himself one of them, but for me part of the effort would have been figuring out what to make him and then struggling to make it around caring for DC. I just wanted him to meet me halfway, and when the time came and I knew he'd be hungry I was kind of like 'fuck it, I asked'. If that makes sense.

What does TL;DR mean?!

Oh I forgot to add, in this particular instance, you did the right thing. I think your point was worth proving. He needs to let you know when these shifts are coming up and ask you to include him when you prepare the evening meal. He can't just expect you to jump up and cook for him at 9pm because he's the big man and you're the little woman. No.

Urgh this is what Be Kind does, makes women responsible for everybody else’s comfort before their own. Was the husband being kind when he couldn’t be arsed to listen to OP asking him what he’d like to do about planning his own meals after a late shift, leaving the mental load to her? Why didn’t he try being kind and thinking for himself instead of expecting his wife to magically sort it out for him? 😤

YANBU. You tried to have a discussion with him about it and he kicked the can down the road. He couldn't be bothered to think about it himself and wanted you to make the decision for him. You did and he doesn't like it. Maybe he'll learn for next time.

Seems to me that he thinks you should take over from his mum - from when he was 2 (and maybe longer ----much much longer)

I think you were more than right and he needs to grow up.

TL;DR = too long, didn't read. When I realised it was such a long post, I added that at the top to help people not to get put off replying

YANBU. The grown up thing would have been him to have replied to your enquires- “oh yes I will be back late. If you’re able to save me an extra portion of the dinner that would be great. If not, I’ll rustle something up.”
Then when you have saved him some said “thank you”.
Pretty easy right?!

Stop trying to mother him. I woke late shifts and just make food when I get home. Always choose quick things like a pizza or toast and pate or Gina Antonin and crisps or a sandwich. It’s no one else’s responsibility.....

You asked him, though. If I'm working late, I often get a dinner during the day so wouldn't want another one at 9pm. If dh was working late, he'd often eat at work too or if not, he'd left me know or just sort something out. Often wouldn't feel like a big meal late so no point in having one cooked for him.

I'd leave it at "Let me know if you want me to cook you something"

What would he do if he were single and living alone and working lates? Blow all his money on take out?

I think considering you had the courtesy to ask him in advance was exceptionally kind and he should have appreciated you enough to give you an answer.

He's a grown man, he can make his own food.

@olympicsrock You have made me crave a crisp sandwich

Usually I do most of the cooking and DH does most of the clearing up.
When DH is on lates, the options are:

I just cook and plate his up the same as everyone else if what we are having works with being reheated when he gets in.

We get some quick ready meal type stuff that he can cook when he gets back

He lets me know when he's likely to be back and I chuck a meal in for him or at least heat the oven for when he gets in.

Or a combination of the above - e.g. it could be something I cook part of but he adds something quick to it when he gets in. e.g. spaghetti bolognaise - the sauce is easily reheated but reheated spag isn't great so he'll make fresh.

On these days I do most of clearing up as well as cooking but as he's starting later he clears up everything that appears overnight/breakfast and lunch stuff.

We both work full time and DC are adults. It works for us.

He wanted to cross that bridge - now he's crossed it. Maybe you'll get a proper answer next time.
Can't believe how many 1950s wives think it's still your job!

Sorry I only read a little of the thread. If you didn't cook for yourself maybe you could have given him what the kids had? If your short on money and he wanted a takeaway I completely agree it's unreasonable though. Some pasta and pesto, a ready meal, soup and cheesy toast, even scampi or fish and chips only takes about 20 mins which round here (rural) would take longer to wait for and pick up than to cook.

Also my husband is a knob when it comes to choosing food! Tbf I do ask him after we've just eaten because I want to know what to defrost lol, and he's too full to choose so says cook anything and then if he doesn't like it the next day he will say just before I cook it! I'm not wasting food so he can cook for himself if he doesn't want it! And he knows it

I would make his dinner when I did the rest of our dinner's.

Then I would assume he he would take his dinner to eat at work during his meal break (so the left overs from the night before the day he worked late essentially) and then have a snack when he got home.