DH's dinner lesson

[SuckingDownDarjeeling]

Semi-lighthearted -

TL;DR, was I being mean to let DH cook for himself after work?

Today DH worked a late shift, coming home well after 9pm. This is the first time this has come about since having DC, but it'll be the first of many late shifts to come.

In the run up to him starting these shifts, I (being the anxious nag that I am) regularly asked him 'what would you like to do about dinner when you're working lates?' However, every time I asked, I got eye rolls and essentially a 'let's cross that bridge when we get there' response.

So tonight he came home and told me how starving he was. After asking me if I had made anything, and looking sufficiently forlorn, he started toying with the idea of ordering a takeaway. I urged him not to, as money isn't exactly flowing and we have things in the fridge that take about 25 mins to cook. He said he was too tired to go and put something in the oven.

In the end my pleas worked and he opted to go and put something in the over for himself. But he did so grudgingly, telling me how hungry and tired he was.

So let me be clear, I could have cobbled something together after DC went to sleep. It crossed my mind, but I thought to myself it would be better to leave it, because I would really like him to realise it's best to plan these things with me beforehand instead of expecting me to come through with solutions unprompted, and also I was tired and wanted to watch YouTube in bed.

What's the general opinion here? Was I too harsh? Should I have made something and said to him 'next time please tell me what you want before your night shift'? Or was I right to let him 'learn this lesson'? There's a fine line between being cruel, and being cruel to be kind!

It is about time he learnt to cook though.He should do a meal at the weekend although if you can hand the twins over and have some 'me'time to n the kitchen ...

Seems mean, if you’re at home with the kids and he’s out working surely you’re in charge of ‘housewife duties’ even if it was just some pasta thrown in a pan

@Localocal I wouldn't be annoyed if he came home with a takeaway, I wouldn't even have been annoyed the other night if he chose to get takeaway after I suggested the things in the fridge. I'd get annoyed in a week or so when I say 'we need more nappies' or something just as pressing, only to be told to ask my mum for the money, or his dad, because he has none - which has happened a few times before. That drives me up the wall.

But also, we do have lots of eggs, bread, all the staples as DC love all those simple meals as it's much easier to make their breakfast/lunch/dinner with them, when I don't have an extra pair of hands around to focus on making something bigger. Saying that, they were very well behaved yesterday while I cooked DH's dinner, so there may be hope to expand cooking options soon.

every time I asked, I got eye rolls and essentially a 'let's cross that bridge when we get there' response.

Absolutely fine to leave him to it. He is a partner, he doesn't need parenting.

I might ask him whether we were now at the bridge and ready to plan a bit in future.

• So you could have made him something but instead you wanted to teach him a lesson?

Where's the kindness in that approach? *

This, right there, are how the man child is made.

I do wish you'd set up the poll, @SuckingDownDarjeeling - would have been an interesting outcome!

And yes "why didn't you leave a plate of what you cooked!" could quite easily become the new "cancel the cheque"!

I particularly liked the post where they said "you could have talked about this in advance" - NO SHIT SHERLOCK, that is literally the point of the whole fecking post, that the OP DID try to talk about it with him and he refused to engage!

I’m glad he’s realised!

Hang on ... now you’re saying he tells you to ask your mum for money for things like nappies?

Do you not have full access to the bank account OP?

@Capr1 no, no full access or ability to check. Occasionally I borrow his card or he transfers money for me to get food and house stuff, or I use the child benefit. We're not exactly on the breadline, obviously we can afford the odd takeaway, but it really annoys me to see money being frittered away and knowing we're going to need it later down the line, it feels like watching a slow moving train wreck. I appreciate without that context it could seem like I'm being controlling about what DH is 'allowed' to buy, I just didn't want to make out that there are all these reasons why 'poor me was trying to do the right thing' with money when my frustration really was just about planning meals.

Right Ok, I take everything back that I said the other day. I’m so sorry OP.

If you are at home with his twins all day and he doesn’t even see fit for you to share his bank account then DO NOT DO A THING FOR HIM FULL STOP and that the end of it. No sandwiches, shopping, even a cup of tea. Nothing. The end.

Bloody hell, I do apologise. You have far bigger problems than what to make for dinner. I’m so sorry. Why the hell does he think he is, giving you handouts. What is the actual point of him in you or your children’s lives? I am livid on your behalf. I’m so sorry.

It’s astonishing how do many men seem to want the supportive “wife at home” set up - to look after their kids; buy / prepare their food etc etc, Yet, the concomitant role of working husband - ie supporting their wife through financially providing for her and the kids, strangely seems to evade them.

No, he can’t have it both ways. Personally I would leave a man like that. Nothing is less attractive.

You can't afford takeaways if you have to ask your mum for money for nappies. I originally thought you were being unreasonable but I've changed my mind. However I would say that I think that this is a deeply unhealthy relationship all round. I hope you are married and have some financial protection, because a man who would buy a takeaway when his wife has no money for nappies for his children is not a good person onto be with.

no, no full access or ability to check. Occasionally I borrow his card or he transfers money for me to get food and house stuff, or I use the child benefit.

Close to five hundred posts before you mention this, OP?

He worked late and because he was vague about his eating plans you didn't include him in your earlier food preparation?

That is so mean.

I am very sorry, I didn't think it was relevant to mention at the beginning at all. And honestly yes I find it very frustrating and sometimes immobilising. I sincerely didn't think it affected the overall issue about forward planning with meals, and Capr1 there's absolutely no need to apologise, I still think your points were very valid.

Okay ... Since we're all here, d'you feel like expanding on just what money you have unrestricted access to?

If you hadn't mentioned the "ask your mum" comment one might assume you have some separate income ...

What reason does he give for not having a joint account? Are you married?

Are you a SAHM doing 100% of the childcare and 100% (or nearly) of the housework for a man who has 100% control of the family finances?

The thing is OP, as I said, I would have dinner ready for DH and I wouldn’t see this as a big deal, even though I have 4 DC, but the difference is, from day one, all money has been our money. I would not have ever had it any other way, I never have to ask him for anything and he begrudges me nothing. Plus I have a cleaner at home and I don’t have to work. So I feel the least I can do is have dinner ready for him. Particularly as he’s often away or eats out anyway; or we eat out as a family quite a bit.

Do you think I would have quit work to have his 4 kids and support his career, if it meant I have to live in whatever handouts he deems fit? A relationship is give and take, but it HAS to work both ways. His money IS your money - legally. If you divorced him he would soon find that out. He has no business withholding his salary from his family. You may have different roles once children come along and that’s fine. But there HAS to be mutual respect. You are his equal. You are his wife and he should respect you as such and as the mother of his children. This means giving you full access to money in a way that makes life easier for you. Not treating you as some kind of appendage. Do not accept anything less.

The money I have unrestricted access to is the child benefit as that is paid into my account. I've never asked about having a joint account before, I've often thought that they can be more trouble than they're worth. Plus in a past relationship, my ex (who was abusive) used to tell me to hold on to his card and then say that I was controlling his finances, so that's made me extremely anxious about accessing anybody else's money, and I've categorically refused to request access to DH's bank account for that reason.

I do 100% of the childcare and probably more like 90% of the housework, I do occasionally have help from DH hoovering the front room, he irons his own shirts for work because he knows how he likes them done. Up until this point, I didn't really think the money thing and the housework thing were connected. I absolutely haven't made any decisions about what I will 'do for him' based on what he does for me, the issue about food planning was genuinely just about that, there's no revenge or anything behind it.

So ... How do you pay for things for yourself? Sanitary products, underwear, cleanser, coffee out with friends, day trip with your mother to another town for shopping, books - paper or on your kindle, haircuts, boots?

Seriously beginning to hope you're a figment of your own imagination ...

no, no full access or ability to check.

OK, well the dinner issue is just the tip of a massive iceberg then.

@SuckingDownDarjeeling - well that opened an unexpected can of worms, didn't it!

I am all in favour of people having their own accounts BUT I do also think there should be a joint account that you can both access. If you are a SAHM, then that joint account should also hold the majority of the house income, for payment of bills, shopping, household needs, children's needs etc. The reason for this (and the reason that I also got my DH to turn his account into a joint one) is that, should anything bad happen to DH (he spends a lot of time on the road) then I wouldn't have access to any money if the account was frozen. But as a joint account, I do still have access to it.

I do have a credit card as well, and he never stints me on what I spend, or asks me about it - but I do also check in with him on any big purchase.

It sounds like you are actually in a financially abusive relationship - ad although I understand your reluctance, because of your previous abusive relationship, you need access to the money in general. If your DH has to have money "of his own" then he can have a separate savings account or something to put some away into every month - but the bulk of the money should be in a joint account that you can both access.

Isn't that called Nihilism, Perdita? I used to be a fan, but then childbirth reminded me that I do actually exist 😂. Sanitary items are necessities that I buy with food shopping money. I don't go out anywhere socially, even pre pandemic, and my hobbies are currently on the back burner so there's no financial outlay there. In terms of money, I'm only interested in household things. Not always the bare essentials though, sometimes I do like to splurge on some fancy coffee or something, when finances allow. When DC are older and we are eligible for childcare, I plan to get a job and get some financial freedom back.

Thumb and Capr, I'm finding this to be very insightful, thank you. It's very reassuring to see what kinds of things I can 'expect' from my marriage. At this stage, I think things have just fallen in to this way of being, as opposed to DH consciously making things difficult, and sometimes he does still behave as though he thinks he's still a teenager but when it comes to the crunch he does tend to listen, and it sounds like this is a conversation we're going to need to have very soon.

Oh, that’s really not on. I’m not a SAHP any more but when I was, we stopped having ‘his money’ and ‘my money’ and DH’s salary plus the child benefit all went in the same pot.

Personally I think YABU. If he was home you'd cook for him so why is it any different?
Cook as though be is there, plate up his food and he can reheat it when he finishes work.
If he was out with the lads or something then I'd understand, but he is going to work!
My partner is a chef and there have been occasions when he had come home at midnight! I still reheat the food for him or do something simple like beans on toast or tuna sandwiches for him. It's not hard!

@cannockcandy your husband is a chef and he still prefers it when you make his beans on toast? is that one of those things where he's sick of the sight of anything to do with work when he gets home? I used to wonder if Gordon Ramsay even lets his wife touch the toaster