DH's dinner lesson

[SuckingDownDarjeeling]

Semi-lighthearted -

TL;DR, was I being mean to let DH cook for himself after work?

Today DH worked a late shift, coming home well after 9pm. This is the first time this has come about since having DC, but it'll be the first of many late shifts to come.

In the run up to him starting these shifts, I (being the anxious nag that I am) regularly asked him 'what would you like to do about dinner when you're working lates?' However, every time I asked, I got eye rolls and essentially a 'let's cross that bridge when we get there' response.

So tonight he came home and told me how starving he was. After asking me if I had made anything, and looking sufficiently forlorn, he started toying with the idea of ordering a takeaway. I urged him not to, as money isn't exactly flowing and we have things in the fridge that take about 25 mins to cook. He said he was too tired to go and put something in the oven.

In the end my pleas worked and he opted to go and put something in the over for himself. But he did so grudgingly, telling me how hungry and tired he was.

So let me be clear, I could have cobbled something together after DC went to sleep. It crossed my mind, but I thought to myself it would be better to leave it, because I would really like him to realise it's best to plan these things with me beforehand instead of expecting me to come through with solutions unprompted, and also I was tired and wanted to watch YouTube in bed.

What's the general opinion here? Was I too harsh? Should I have made something and said to him 'next time please tell me what you want before your night shift'? Or was I right to let him 'learn this lesson'? There's a fine line between being cruel, and being cruel to be kind!

I think you did the right thing. You did mention it before, but he wasn’t interested in discussing at the time. Perhaps next time, he’ll be more willing.

My dh often works late. If I've made something like pasta bake, curry, chilli etc then there'll be a spare portion made for him. If I just make the dc chicken nuggets or something then have toast myself then he gets his own. If he rings ahead and asks me to put a pizza in the oven or start some pasta for him then of course I will. If he doesn't communicate then I don't! Your dh could have communicated better, however while you both find your way with the new routine I would have made him something. I know that my dh would cook for me if the situation was reversed though so don't mind the teamwork.

I think YANBU since you HAVE asked him what he would like to do about food on a late shift in advance and he didn't tell you. I agree it is about the mental load; he could have asked you to cook something, or do a few frozen batch dinners. He could have said, just make me whatever you guys are having and I'll warm it up. I see your point that he just wanted you to solve it.

Sorry, just seen you didn't have anything yourself.
So if there's bread and cheese in the fridge, he could do cheese on toast very easily. Or beans. I'm not suggesting that it is your problem to deal with, but it makes sense to have that sort thing available. He doesn't need a full dinner that late anyway.

I will add though that if I asked him to, my DH would have something ready for me to eat straight away if I’m super hungry or something.

But that’s the problem isn’t it? He refused to discuss it but expects you to sort it. Nah.

@AudacityOfHope

So you could have made him something but instead you wanted to teach him a lesson?

Where's the kindness in that approach? I'd like to think my marriage isn't like that. If I came home at 9pm I know DH would have sorted something for me, and I'd do it for him.

I think this is a good question, because the way my mind works, sometimes I believe that being kind means helping people to be self sufficient and prepared in life, instead of expecting things to just happen for you. I know he's not a child though, but the 'lesson' for me was definitely more of a 'relationship etiquette' lesson instead of a life lesson.

Once again mumsnet voices my own frustrations! My DP seems completely unable to think ahead (after I have asked him earlier if he wants anything and it’s too early to decide apparently) and recently has been known to forlornly open the fridge, sigh loudly and when I ask him what’s wrong ‘where’s all the food?’ Ffs 😅. YOURE A GROWN MAN THINK AHEAD LIKE I DO AND BUY SOME FOOD. I find it such a vagina dryer, it’s so childish and I’m sure he would exist entirely on sweets and biscuits if I wasnt there to cook him occasional meals when I start to worry he’ll get rickets etc. I think it’s laziness, the assumption its the woman’s job, and omg I’m so sick of it!! Seriously considering leaving him and joining a nunnery at this point. Thank you for allowing this rant, I will now google nunneries somewhere hot with a beach...

I have this when I ask DH what he wants to do for his packed lunches when I'm doing the online shop. He never remembers/can't be bothered to add his own stuff on, then when it comes to make it up looks round the kitchen dejectedly. I don't like to guess because he varies what he wants.

Can you give him whatever you give the children?

'what would you like to do about dinner when you're working lates?'

I'm not entirely sure what this means.

Was it:

A) Will you want to eat at home or will you take/buy food elsewhere during or after work?

B) Please tell me exactly which irresistible dish you would like me to prepare for your return.

If (A) - He was being unreasonable not to give a clear reply.

If (B) - You were a bit unreasonable not to make one meal for everyone and leave some for him. Surely he'd eat what he was given? Maybe next time, if you'll be at home and will cook, let him know in advance if he's not included? (I would have been rather put out if expected to come home late from work and then cook, when food had been prepared earlier.)

My husband works shifts too. I just plate him up a dinner at the same time as cooking our dinner. He warms it up when he gets home. Seems a little mean to not make him dinner when you've cooked anyway.

I get this with one if our teens; they don't know what they want in advance but are too hangry/ knackered by the time they want to eat to do anything about it.

We sorted it by boxing batch cooked meals. Do you have a freezer op? Basically in the freezer there are always 3 different meals so there's usually something they fancy that can be heated through in a few minutes. Would something like that work for you? Neither of you need to do the head work at 9 pm if it's been sorted in advance.

Yanbu

He's not a child, you offered and he didn't answer. In future he answers or sorts himself out. He's a grown man

If (B) - You were a bit unreasonable not to make one meal for everyone and leave some for him. Surely he'd eat what he was given? Maybe next time, if you'll be at home and will cook, let him know in advance if he's not included? (I would have been rather put out if expected to come home late from work and then cook, when food had been prepared earlier.)

The Op has already explained that she didn’t make herself dinner as was too tired and not hungry. And presumably the dc only eats milk as this is the first late since dc was born. Maybe the Op could express for her husband!

When my DH is on lates, we have our main meal at lunch-not possible maybe with young dc, I appreciate. Otherwise, he takes his main meal to work and has a sandwich for lunch. He does the majority of the cooking, so probably he’ll make it.

YANBU op. You’re not his skivvy and you shouldn’t have to mother him because he’s too fucking lazy and self centred to plan his day like an adult.

@Ameliablue

Why not just make him something at the same time as you are making your own/ children's and let him reheat? If he doesn't like that, then yes he should sort out his own.

I did this for about 15 years. He was so tired and hungry when he got home, he didn't care what he was eating I'd just plate it up and leave it in the fridge, and he'd warm it up in the microwave when he got in.

@Pobblebonk

Can you give him whatever you give the children?

I make the DC things that DH doesn't really like. They're also very young so can't be left unattended whilst I'm in the kitchen cooking.

'What do you want to do about dinner' means 'what kind of quick things should I get from the shops that I can easily prepare for your dinner around caring for DC'. I am an anxious person by nature, I tend to plan for things as though they're going to happen tomorrow even if it's going to be weeks away, for me it's a coping mechanism.

Also DC are two. His work schedule has changed but only recently, prior to this change he was working during the day, sometimes finishing in the evening but still with enough time available to make something for him before DC bedtime.

Where's the kindness in that approach?

Fuck that

Where was the kindness in HIS approach.

OP offered to sort it. He wouldn’t engage. Then came in at 9 wanting food sorting for him like a whiny kid.

@Yeahnahmum

Serves him right for his eyerolling.i think this wasn't too harsh at all. He is a grown man, he can sort himself out,

This.

When I was with my ex, I left him to it. Because I could never be sure what mood he would be in on the rare late occasions, I just made sure there were a couple of ready meals available in the freezer.

Maybe now he's learned that engaging beforehand would help, but you may have to repeat this a few times before it sinks in for him.

After that, you might plate up some dinner for him when/if you do yours.

I don't think it was harsh at all. My DH lived alone for a long time before me and him got together. He always meal plans and let's me know if he's planning to eat what I eat (in which case I make enough for him) or sort his own thing out . I think he needs to do this and I don't blame you for making that clear to him.

Just to put it out there, if I had made a pot/tray/bucket of something for DC and I, I would have cooked enough for DH when he got home. I wouldn't have deliberately engineered him not having any dinner. The issue here is that I didn't go out of my way to make him dinner. I do feel guilty, so that's why I thought to start this thread for opinions, and I'm appreciating all of the replies.

I don't think you were unreasonable. It's not like you were making food as a part of your day and deliberately didn't get him anything.

What does he do about dinner when he's not working lates?

What happens when he is not on lates? The kids have dinner.....you graze.....what does he do?