DH's dinner lesson

[SuckingDownDarjeeling]

Semi-lighthearted -

TL;DR, was I being mean to let DH cook for himself after work?

Today DH worked a late shift, coming home well after 9pm. This is the first time this has come about since having DC, but it'll be the first of many late shifts to come.

In the run up to him starting these shifts, I (being the anxious nag that I am) regularly asked him 'what would you like to do about dinner when you're working lates?' However, every time I asked, I got eye rolls and essentially a 'let's cross that bridge when we get there' response.

So tonight he came home and told me how starving he was. After asking me if I had made anything, and looking sufficiently forlorn, he started toying with the idea of ordering a takeaway. I urged him not to, as money isn't exactly flowing and we have things in the fridge that take about 25 mins to cook. He said he was too tired to go and put something in the oven.

In the end my pleas worked and he opted to go and put something in the over for himself. But he did so grudgingly, telling me how hungry and tired he was.

So let me be clear, I could have cobbled something together after DC went to sleep. It crossed my mind, but I thought to myself it would be better to leave it, because I would really like him to realise it's best to plan these things with me beforehand instead of expecting me to come through with solutions unprompted, and also I was tired and wanted to watch YouTube in bed.

What's the general opinion here? Was I too harsh? Should I have made something and said to him 'next time please tell me what you want before your night shift'? Or was I right to let him 'learn this lesson'? There's a fine line between being cruel, and being cruel to be kind!

If I had asked about dinner plans in advance, and been tutted at for my efforts, there would be no more conversation other than "OK, you're on your own that evening - sort yourself out".

^^ this

@chatwoo I don't get this either. My DH is a great cook, thankfully, but my ex was terrible. Still, it didn't stop him from trying. He learned how to do a couple of basic, foolproof things to reciprocate for my cooking.

I would be much happier sitting down to luke warm beans on toast or a badly cooked jacket potato a couple of nights a week than I would having to be responsible for the all of the organising and cooking every single day.

BoomBoomsCousin

If I had asked about dinner plans in advance, and been tutted at for my efforts, there would be no more conversation other than "OK, you're on your own that evening - sort yourself out".

^^ this totally agree!

I used to ask my ex-husband what he wanted for tea[*] and he used to say "surprise me". One day he came home and couldn't smell his tea cooking so asked what we were having. I told him he had wanted a surprise and he had to guess what the surprise was. He was not happy when the surprise was nothing.

[*] up north, dinner is midday up here

"This isn’t the 1950s but if one partner is working to provide it is a nice courtesy to make them dinner."

She is working. She is looking after the children.

"the dynamic is just something loving couples do."

I would gladly make dinner for my husband, but he is one of the rare ones who actually pulls his weight. What's more, he wouldn't expect it made. If it wasn't, he would understand and has the wherewithal to prepare something for himself. As soon as I hear "he can't cook", I just lose all respect. What, he can't boil an egg or heat up some pasta sauce? Bullshit. He can. He just doesn't want to.

I had the same situation last week OP.
My DH works a varying shift pattern including lates, nights and weekends (hospital Dr).

It was his first late shift since I had DS but that being said DH and I have an understanding that I make his food and he eats what he’s given.
Generally he rings me as he sets off home and I then have 30 mins notice to throw something together. Usually it’s freezer food or pasta but tbh DH is more than happy with a couple of sandwiches.

It helps my motivation that he’s always so grateful.
I’d be annoyed if he refuses to talk to me in advance about what he wanted to happen, I like to know where I stand and the plan!

@LoungeLizardLhama

Urgh this is what Be Kind does, makes women responsible for everybody else’s comfort before their own. Was the husband being kind when he couldn’t be arsed to listen to OP asking him what he’d like to do about planning his own meals after a late shift, leaving the mental load to her? Why didn’t he try being kind and thinking for himself instead of expecting his wife to magically sort it out for him? 😤

This! He cant be arsed to speak to her about it then Im afraid shes done the right thing. Fuck all the BeKind Her DH just wants a meal to magically appear as hes Mr Billy Bigballs, he should have everyone running around after him. Tough !

I think you’re making a slight drama about things.

I wouldn’t be asking what he wants for dinner, I’d cook what I want to cook.

Just prepare meals that your children and yourselves will eat and keep a portion aside for your DH - if he wants to eat what you’ve made that day, fine - if not he can make something himself. Casseroles, spag Bol, lasagne, roast chicken, bean stews - whatever.

Make a meal plan once a week and that’s it. Have eggs and salad bits in the fridge that your DH can throw something together if he doesn’t want to reheat what you’ve made.

"This!
He cant be arsed to speak to her about it then Im afraid shes done the right thing.
Fuck all the BeKind
Her DH just wants a meal to magically appear as hes Mr Billy Bigballs, he should have everyone running around after him.
Tough !"

This response made me laugh. I love it. Especially "Mr Billy Bigballs", not heard that in ages.

I think you did the right thing OP.

If lates are (or will be) a regular thing, and I was cooking I would make an extra portion of what ever you are eating together and freeze that.

Maybe add a couple of ready meals to the weekly shop (I assume you do the shop, if not he needs to remember to add them) and designate a freezer drawer to 'lates/can't be arsed/don't like today's meal.

The 'don't like today's meal' will be useful when your children are older.

I don’t get this sorry, it seems petty.

Our family life for decades has been diner Is made for all, those not in attendance when it’s ready for reasons such as work, clubs, apathy Etc get it plated up and reheated later.

Non chefs don’t get a choice over what’s to eat, if you’ve cooked you choose, dinner made for someone who turns up starving after a late shift is unlikely to refuse to eat it..

The food never goes to waste here, if someone didn’t eat it for dinner you could guarantee the first up in the morning would take it for lunch.

"Our family life for decades has been diner Is made for all, those not in attendance when it’s ready for reasons such as work, clubs, apathy Etc get it plated up and reheated later."

She said she doesn't tend to eat dinner. So this is irrelevant.

@Whenwillthisbeover

I don’t get this sorry, it seems petty.

Our family life for decades has been diner Is made for all, those not in attendance when it’s ready for reasons such as work, clubs, apathy Etc get it plated up and reheated later.

Non chefs don’t get a choice over what’s to eat, if you’ve cooked you choose, dinner made for someone who turns up starving after a late shift is unlikely to refuse to eat it..

The food never goes to waste here, if someone didn’t eat it for dinner you could guarantee the first up in the morning would take it for lunch.

I think you have missed the point. She didnt cook for herself. She asked him what he wanted to do and he couldnt be bothered to even speak to her.

You asked him plenty of times and he couldn't be bothered to engage, and I agree that a takeaway when money is tight isn't really fair when he has had plenty of chances to discuss what he was planning to do food wise.

@BoomBoomsCousin

If I had asked about dinner plans in advance, and been tutted at for my efforts, there would be no more conversation other than "OK, you're on your own that evening - sort yourself out".

^^ this

100% this!

I really did feel at the time that I'd be creating a rod for my own back by going out of my way to think something up and cook it. I'm really hoping that from now on he will tell me in advance what he'd like. Even a text from work in the afternoon would be helpful.

This does sound strange ... As others have said, you're neither a short order cook, nor a waitress in a restaurant - if you are the one doing the cooking you decide what to cook. Asking potential consumers to come up with a menu is a complete waste of time and effort and you are creating extra stress for yourself by doing so. It's not a matter of going back to the 1950s, or wife work - it is or should be the same for whoever cooks.

As regards not being able to cook while looking after your DC - do they never nap? Would it be impossible to do all your preparation during that time so there's almost nothing to do later on?

Given that you and your husband have small children you're both going to be preparing meals for quite some time. Wouldn't it be better to come to terms with this fact rather than fighting it anew every single day?

YANBU - when you're an adult you have to plan. And if you don't plan you are inconvenienced far more when you needed a plan to be in place than having to take a few minutes to plan in advance.

It's a good lesson.

I don't think you were unreasonable!

Anyone who rolled their eyes at me would be making their own dinner for a year. I don't know why he can't just reply like a normal human being.

With the kids in bed and him working late I'd have cooked him something to eat for when he got home. Cooking is my department, he does his share but cooking is my chore as I like it and he hates it.

You did the right thing. Next time you ask him in advance what he wants etc., explain that you will do nothing/he will get nothing if he does the eye roll and gives no answer. Repeat, repeat....

To the posters saying he isn't a child who needs a lesson : yes, he isn't a child. He should be able to answer a simple question and/or cook for himself since he's an adult. But as long as he acts like a spoilt child, he will be dealt like one.....

Honestly it all seems like a fuss about nothing. I wouldn't have been 'anxious nagging' about his dinner in advance. You kind of tried to make it your responsibility voluntarily. Whatever I used to make for the kids I'd make it enough for dh cos it wasn't any harder. If he didn't want it he'd make himself something.

I think your actions stopped being mean when he started being rude and ungrateful.

@AudacityOfHope

So you could have made him something but instead you wanted to teach him a lesson?

Where's the kindness in that approach? I'd like to think my marriage isn't like that. If I came home at 9pm I know DH would have sorted something for me, and I'd do it for him.

But it sounds like the difference here is that the DH would never think to do this for the OP.

I sympathise OP. I have a similar DH who was never taught any sort of domestic skills and is reliant on me for cooking in particular. It grates and YANBU to try to get him to realise what a burden it is. Also you gave him a chance and he didn't take it.

I'm impressed that he actually cooked though. Mine would have taken the lazy takeaway option. His version of "cooking" would have been going out to buy a microwave meal.

Mean and rather strange. I plate up what we’ve had and put in microwave

I completely agree with you OP, especially as this was the first late shift so a routine hasn't been established. It's not like you normally cook him something and just randomly decided to stop.

If I asked my DH 'What shall we do about dinner after your late shift?' I'd be more than happy with 'Can you save me some of the kids dinner?' or 'Do you mind making me a sandwich?' If the answer had been 'We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.' That would imply 'Don't make me anything, I want to decide when I get home.' Fine - but nothing you need to tie yourself in knots fixing.