DH's dinner lesson

[SuckingDownDarjeeling]

Semi-lighthearted -

TL;DR, was I being mean to let DH cook for himself after work?

Today DH worked a late shift, coming home well after 9pm. This is the first time this has come about since having DC, but it'll be the first of many late shifts to come.

In the run up to him starting these shifts, I (being the anxious nag that I am) regularly asked him 'what would you like to do about dinner when you're working lates?' However, every time I asked, I got eye rolls and essentially a 'let's cross that bridge when we get there' response.

So tonight he came home and told me how starving he was. After asking me if I had made anything, and looking sufficiently forlorn, he started toying with the idea of ordering a takeaway. I urged him not to, as money isn't exactly flowing and we have things in the fridge that take about 25 mins to cook. He said he was too tired to go and put something in the oven.

In the end my pleas worked and he opted to go and put something in the over for himself. But he did so grudgingly, telling me how hungry and tired he was.

So let me be clear, I could have cobbled something together after DC went to sleep. It crossed my mind, but I thought to myself it would be better to leave it, because I would really like him to realise it's best to plan these things with me beforehand instead of expecting me to come through with solutions unprompted, and also I was tired and wanted to watch YouTube in bed.

What's the general opinion here? Was I too harsh? Should I have made something and said to him 'next time please tell me what you want before your night shift'? Or was I right to let him 'learn this lesson'? There's a fine line between being cruel, and being cruel to be kind!

My DH usually got home at 9ish, or later, after a long day. I was a sahm for 7 years. I cooked one evening meal which the DC nd I had at about 5.45. His was plated: Cottage pie, bol, chicken, pasta bake etc and got a quick blast in the microwave. If DC and I were not having dinner or he was doing a very late one I always made him a "platter" sandwiches, fruit, maybe a chicken drumstick, etc.

30 years on it served us well. He did and still does a high pressure job and would come in "spent". It was my job at that time to make sure he was supported because we were and are a partnership.

I sort of sympathise, I hate having to be 'in charge' of what our family eat, I work part time so I do have more 'time' to do cooking and shopping but it is still very tedious to have to plan for everyone. I often prefer to 'graze' rather than have a formal meal whilst my DH much prefers a proper, 'cooked from scratch' meal (& he does frequently cook for all of us) but it is still tedious to have to think about whether you've got enough ingredients in to make a full meal etc.

I know I don't want a 'main' meal tonight so I've just asked my DH what he would like, we've got two options of (nice) leftovers that could make a decent meal or I offered to buy something, although he wasn't rude I could tell by his expression that he really didn't want to talk abut it at 6.30am but I just wanted the decision made and off my 'to do' list for the day. .

As an aside, I have an Instant Pot pressure cooker. There's loads of recipes where you can just dump ingredients in and turn it on. It also keeps food hot. You could serve food for the family and just leave a portion in there for DH.

I do a weekly order, my dh doesn't really contribute much to the decision making but I know what we both like to eat so I just carry on and order it. I do the majority of the food prep and planning, he does all the washing, works for us.

I do think you're being unreasonable, how hard is it to think ahead and make something easy for him or buy ready meals he can heat up? You're supposed to be a team

If these were normal times and I was your DH I would be getting something in the pub on the way home.

YANBU. It was a good lesson to teach him.

I'd batch cook food he will eat and freeze it. Then he can simply microwave when he gets in on late nights.

But thats what I don't understand Ragwort. If you don't like being in charge of this stuff why have you made yourself in charge of it by asking him about his dinner at 6.30am?

Same as the op. She, quite rightly, doesn't want to be in charge of what another adult has for dinner but she has self appointed herself as dinner lady by 'nagging' him about his dinner in advance and then has had to 'teach' him that he should be in charge of his own dinner. Crazy.

I think I would be unreasonable to do this to my DH, because he’s a grown man and wouldn’t starve if I didn’t cook for him, so it would just be thoughtful and kind when he has been working late. But it doesn’t sound like YWBU to do this to your own DH if he is a man child and needs to be taught to grow up. I feel a lot of people are answering based on their own DHs when actually if they were married to yours they might be inclined to do exactly that same thing!

That was a bit mean. 9pm is late to start cooking a dinner that is going to take at least 25mins. I would have made him something with the kids and just put it in the microwave.

@Timekeeper1

sometimes I believe that being kind means helping people to be self sufficient and prepared in life, instead of expecting things to just happen for you. I know he's not a child though, but the 'lesson' for me was definitely more of a 'relationship etiquette' lesson

Sorry but you sound very smug, condescending and controlling. You're married, you're supposed to be a TEAM. He works, and you work at home and do the meals, right? Then do that. He worked a long shift to provide for his family, and you treat him like shit and someone who needs to be 'trained'. Start by treating him with respect and get off your high horse.

If you're married you are supposed to be a team, but he's the one not holding up his end of the bargain.

He's totally deflecting her attempts to engage him in discussion about the best way to plan meals, then expecting her to drop everything to make him a meal at 9pm because he can't be arsed to think about this.

Expecting him to factor this in is hardly "treating him like shit". And the fact that he "provides for his family" doesn't mean he lives in a hotel with 24-hour room service.

@chatwoo

And also I regularly get tuts, sighs and eye rolls for thinking 'too far ahead'. Plus I am the only one in the house that cooks.

If I had asked about dinner plans in advance, and been tutted at for my efforts, there would be no more conversation other than "OK, you're on your own that evening - sort yourself out".

Why are you the only one that cooks? Your husband can't use the cooker, refuses to, can't follow a recipe or open a can of beans? I accept that that a lot of people aren't gifted or willing chefs, but it doesn't take much to follow a simple recipe or to put pieces of bread into the toaster. Yes that's your "household dynamic" but why?

Yep, all of this. Tutting at someone who's trying to sort your evening meal out for you? Fuck that.

As with a number of Mumsnet threads, I suspect I could go through this one and predict with a staggering degree of accuracy, the relationships that will last and those that are doomed.
So many couples seem to think they are in some tit-for-tat thing..and so little mutual respect!

Bloody hell, the 1950s is strong in this thread.

OP didn't ask him what he wanted for tea, she asked him what he wanted to do when he is on lates. As she is the one at home, the one who cooks because he can't be arsed she is the defacto dinner lady. His choice as much as her 'duty'

If my DH is asked that question he answers - I'll feed myself on the way home, do you want me to get you something too?; I'll grab something when I get back, have we got bread?; could you put me up a plate, maybe make a spagbol or chilli?

An eye roll would get him bugger all from me!

All that talk about teamwork and respect. As usual in the 1950s it only seems to go one way. Where was his repsect for OP when she asked him a question? Where was his teamwork then?

Do you have a freezer op? Basically in the freezer there are always 3 different meals so there's usually something they fancy that can be heated through in a few minutes. Would something like that work for you?

It really doesn't sound like the DP could get it together and batch cook. Or were you able thinking the op could batch cook for him? Which hardly solved OP's issue.

I would never have let him come home hungry at 9pm to no food (and I'd expect the same from him if I came home at 9). Whatever I'd prepared for myself I'd ensure there was enough for him so it could just be reheated in a few minutes.

Are you a SAHM?

I’d say I wouldn’t be cooking for him but I’d make sure there was leftovers in the fridge or freezer that he could just heat up.

You know it’s not healthy for you to just graze and it doesn’t set the kids the best example. Maybe could you look at cooking and sitting down to eat with your DC and bunging left overs on a plate for him?

If you’re out at work full time then the two of you should meal plan together and divide the cooking.

Not 1950s - just if you’re at home all day, even with a toddler, you have time to cook and take that mental load Of prepping, because to me that’s part of being enabled to be at home.

If you’re both at work then the chores need divided 50/50. Or by proportion to work amounts.

OP didn't ask him what he wanted for tea, she asked him what he wanted to do when he is on lates.

Actually, Curious that's not quite accurate. I asked the OP what her question meant and she replied:

What do you want to do about dinner' means 'what kind of quick things should I get from the shops that I can easily prepare for your dinner around caring for DC'.

So she was asking him what he wanted to eat for dinner. I love food but would be confused if asked that question in those circumstances The person at home (whoever that may be) has two choices - either make it clear they won't be cooking, or decide on the food and cook something for the late returner. Refusing to cook unless given a specific menu by the other person seems, to me, faintly ridiculous and vaguely hostile.

To be honest, This does read like a drama about nothing.
All this business about asking him what he’s going to want to eat days before the late shift - really? If someone asked me what I’d like to eat in 4 days, I would think this is a bit much tbh. Unless he’s a particularly fussy eater, I can see how this would feel like nagging, to be honest.

If, as you say, you only have time to do something quick, the. just do something quick for him and that’s that surely? Does it really matter what it is?

To be perfectly honest, if my DH came in at 9pm and I was just sitting there watching YouTube with no dinner ready and then I just told him to sort himself out, I think he’d be pissed off too. I know you’ve been with kids all day, but they’re in bed. I would be aware that just sitting there would appear lazy / uncaring. Sorry OP. I’m not saying you should have spent an hour cooking for him if you’re tired, but it doesn’t take 10 mins to throw something in the oven. This doesn’t require days of planning / questions either - just do it, really.

But why ask a grown man what he's going to do about dinner? His non-response was a response in itself. He didn't or doesn't care and doesn't want to plan ahead. Fair enough, he can sort himself out. If I even felt any sense of duty towards feeding him I'd have felt relieved of it at that point and not given it another thought.

Yeah! That's the information she expected in return, as she is the main cook and bottle washer. But my point still stands. He's a grown man. He can eat or not eat. It's up to him. If he can't be arsed to engage in conversation, even when its for his own benefit, then OP can do as she chooses. And she chose not to make herself a meal!

I really don't get why so many are trying to absolve him of all responsibility here. He chose not to engage.

He's a grown adult - he can sort his own meals out without any drama, nagging, eye-rolling and whining, surely?

I finish before DH and sometimes leave him leftovers to heat up if he wants them, but I certainly wouldn't ask him days in advance what he planned to do for meals! And he certainly wouldn't come home and complain there was no food for him.

Sounds like a big drama on both sides, tbh.

I think we're on the same page here. I completely agree she shouldn't have made him anything. I guess what I'm saying is I'd go one step further and wouldn't have even taken on the wife work of worrying about what my husband would eat for dinner in the first place!

@SallyWD

I would never have let him come home hungry at 9pm to no food (and I'd expect the same from him if I came home at 9). Whatever I'd prepared for myself I'd ensure there was enough for him so it could just be reheated in a few minutes.

The OP didn't have anything herself. Cancel the OPs dinner cheque everyone.

I too am in a relationship where my desire to plan and know far outweighs that of my partner. I find it’s a matter of being mindful of what’s important and letting the small stuff go. I think you could have been kinder. I definitely would have cooked a meal for him at least for his first shift. It’s a change of some sort and that surely merits a bit of support. It doesn’t lock you in for life.

I'm really hoping that from now on he will tell me in advance what he'd like. Even a text from work in the afternoon would be helpful.

What if he decides he wants something for which you don't have the ingredients? Wouldn't it be simpler to menu plan at the beginning of the week and tell him he'll have whatever you've planned?