DH's dinner lesson

[SuckingDownDarjeeling]

Semi-lighthearted -

TL;DR, was I being mean to let DH cook for himself after work?

Today DH worked a late shift, coming home well after 9pm. This is the first time this has come about since having DC, but it'll be the first of many late shifts to come.

In the run up to him starting these shifts, I (being the anxious nag that I am) regularly asked him 'what would you like to do about dinner when you're working lates?' However, every time I asked, I got eye rolls and essentially a 'let's cross that bridge when we get there' response.

So tonight he came home and told me how starving he was. After asking me if I had made anything, and looking sufficiently forlorn, he started toying with the idea of ordering a takeaway. I urged him not to, as money isn't exactly flowing and we have things in the fridge that take about 25 mins to cook. He said he was too tired to go and put something in the oven.

In the end my pleas worked and he opted to go and put something in the over for himself. But he did so grudgingly, telling me how hungry and tired he was.

So let me be clear, I could have cobbled something together after DC went to sleep. It crossed my mind, but I thought to myself it would be better to leave it, because I would really like him to realise it's best to plan these things with me beforehand instead of expecting me to come through with solutions unprompted, and also I was tired and wanted to watch YouTube in bed.

What's the general opinion here? Was I too harsh? Should I have made something and said to him 'next time please tell me what you want before your night shift'? Or was I right to let him 'learn this lesson'? There's a fine line between being cruel, and being cruel to be kind!

I’d have made him a portion of what we all ate and left it in the oven/plated up to put in the microwave.
It’s not that much of a bother.

I like the idea of making surplus for the freezer for him to reheat when he gets home.

I'm not excited about asking him what kind of things he'd like in the freezer though

You don’t need to ask him what he wants. Just make a full sized version of whatever you or the kids are having.

Seems like a whole lot of faffing about.
I cook one, occasionally two meals for the family and if people aren't going to be around when it's ready then they reheat it or sort something else out for themselves.

I completely understand not fancying cooking after working late. When I worked evenings and could rarely be bothered to cook when I got in and often got a takeaway. or ready meal. I'd have been pissed off if DH told me I had to cook at that point tbh

There is also nothing wrong with beans on toast, egg on toast etc you can also keep some frozen sausages r cooked chicken bits in the freezer to add to stuff. My DH will sometimes just make a quick dish of packet rice with added spices/anything lying about the fridge e.g. cold meat, bits of chorizo/frozen mushrooms and onions, frozen or tinned veg, maybe an egg or two (like egg fried rice) when he gets in, takes about 5-10 minutes.

Stuff like curry or lasange or cottage pie etc freeze well for later use.

sometimes I believe that being kind means helping people to be self sufficient and prepared in life, instead of expecting things to just happen for you. I know he's not a child though, but the 'lesson' for me was definitely more of a 'relationship etiquette' lesson

Sorry but you sound very smug, condescending and controlling. You're married, you're supposed to be a TEAM. He works, and you work at home and do the meals, right? Then do that. He worked a long shift to provide for his family, and you treat him like shit and someone who needs to be 'trained'. Start by treating him with respect and get off your high horse.

FFS....Come back Phyllis Schlafly, all is forgiven apparently.

And also I regularly get tuts, sighs and eye rolls for thinking 'too far ahead'

When you say you asked him in the run up to his shifts, how long before did you ask? Because if it was more than a few days, a week tops, then I can see why he would eye roll.

Wouldn’t a normal thing be to ask him either when you are doing the shopping list for the week, or to ask when he leaves if he wanted you to cook something for him coming in? OH doesn’t work late often but when he does I’ll always ask if he wants food for when he gets in. Even though the answer is invariably no because he eats at work, I’ll still ask. Just as he does when I’m working late.

It’s not about being a restaurant or doing wifework, (OH does the bulk of the cooking in our house) it is about working together as a team to make sure everyone is Ok. Coming home at 9pm and having to think about what to cook, especially when you’re told you aren’t allowed to have a takeaway, is a shit situation to be in.

You wanted to teach him a lesson and that’s not your job. Even if you do call it “relationship etiquette” He was right to be annoyed.

I don't think you need to ask him specially what kind of things he'd like available in the freezer. You just make extra when you're cooking meals that you know will freeze well. Label them well, and that's that.

In general, I think it's pretty unkind to let someone come home from work at 9pm and then have to cook their own dinner, especially since you say you would cook for him if he was home at an earlier time. Either make something earlier to be heated up, or since that seems quite complicated and stressful, ask him when he gets in and make it then.

@MintyMabel about four days ago, maybe three. Then again the day before yesterday. Asking once each time, but trying to coax a conversation to get things organised. Also, we don't have a dynamic where DH isn't 'allowed' to do things, I was just a bit worried about money when I knew there were easy to cook things in the fridge. There have also been times in the past where I suggest a takeaway because I'm too tired to cook and he says we don't have the money for it.

When DC went to bed and I was thinking about dinner for DH, I really did feel at the time that I'd be creating a rod for my own back by going out of my way to think something up and cook it. I'm really hoping that from now on he will tell me in advance what he'd like. Even a text from work in the afternoon would be helpful.

YANBU.

You gave him ample opportunity to make plans and he wasn't interested.

I don't ask what DH would like, I just ask what shift he's on and plan round that. If he fancies something in particular then I'm happy to add that in or if he doesn't fancy what I've made he's welcome to make something else. I've got to the point where I'm fed up asking anyone what they want as no one knows... I therefore buy and make what I fancy and that I know folk like.

It was fine - he refused to discuss it so nothing was planned. You could have made him dinner and then he could have already eaten. I always ate dinner at work when doing long days.

I'm the only one who cooks in my house and no I wouldn't have started cooking at 9pm. If he refused to talk to me about dinner arrangements then I wouldn't have cooked for him. However, I wouldn't have stopped him from getting a takeaway because I know I wouldn't stand for anyone telling me I couldn't get one!

My husband is on his own with that. If he isn't home at 6 then he knows to handle it all by himself. There won't be anything left for him to eat. I don't do leftovers and I abhor microwaves so we don't have one. He would be all by himself and if it wasn't summer there would be no options for a takeaway

You seem to like to be the one to control all of the options. So you wanted to know ahead of time what meals he might want because that's your "coping mechanism"... but he didn't know. It gets to the day and there's nothing prepared/quick to make and you're not offering to make him anything when he gets home, so he considers a takeaway, but that's not okay either because money is tight. I couldn't be with someone who tried to restrict me in this way 🤷🏼‍♀️

It's entirely his own fault for failing to plan ahead.
YANBU to not want to rescue him from his refusal to think about it beforehand, you're not his mother!

Can't be doing with that sort of learnt helplessness. However, you'll probably need to remind him next time of what happened this time to get any other kind of response out of him than "can't think about that now".

The only thing I probably would do, in your shoes, is have stuff in that is quick and easy to do - like a microwave meal, omelette stuff (we always have that anyway), baking potatoes and cheese/ tinned tuna - options that will take 5 minutes or thereabouts that he can choose from if he finds it So Hard to think about it beforehand.
And of course, if cooking a meal anyway, leaving a plate for him too.

"You seem to like to be the one to control all of the options. So you wanted to know ahead of time what meals he might want because that's your "coping mechanism"... but he didn't know."

What, he didn't know he would be hungry at dinner time? He had an option. To prepare something in advance. A takeaway when money is tight is not a viable option.

OP, I can't imagine my husband expecting me to have something on the table for him. We're both self sufficient. Not the number one reason I married him but definitely up there.

But it really depends on how much energy each partner is expending. Mine is up at 5 every day, I'm not up til 8, so I don't really mind doing something extra for him. But if you're already doing equal amounts of stuff, or you're doing more than him, then no, you shouldn't cook for him.

Can't he just order a few weeks' worth of ready meals or something for when he's working late?

Personally it sounds like your anxiety is clouding this interaction & making what should not be a hard situation more difficult.

You say you don’t eat dinner & prefer to graze. You also state you are the only one who cooks. You say you want your husband to tell you what he wants so you will make that.

I think you’re making this unnecessarily harder on yourself - surely by now you know what kinds of meals are 1. Easy for you to prepare & 2. What meals your husband likes.

You’re not a short order cook - a lot of people would struggle to know what they felt like eating in several days time. It wouldn’t occur to them. As you do all the cooking, am wondering why you couldn’t take ownership of this situation & think to yourself “right I don’t want to be cooking at 9pm so I’ll just whip up a quick pasta (or whatever) and put it in the fridge for later.

You seem to expect your husband to tell you what he wants so you can buy it & make it for him - when in reality he came home tired & hungry, so seemingly would have been happy to eat whatever you would have prepared.

So to me it sounds like you were intentionally trying to teach him a lesson. I am struggling why it would be so difficult to prepare a meal that that you can’t because of looking after one baby. It doesn’t sound manageable that every time he comes home from work you don’t start prepping dinner before he gets home & wait so he can look after the baby while you cook. Doesn’t that mean your evenings have less relaxation time ?

It seems to me your anxiety is preventing YOU from making simple decisions such as what you feel like cooking & factoring in what would be easier for you.

"You’re not a short order cook - a lot of people would struggle to know what they felt like eating in several days time. It wouldn’t occur to them. As you do all the cooking, am wondering why you couldn’t take ownership of this situation & think to yourself “right I don’t want to be cooking at 9pm so I’ll just whip up a quick pasta (or whatever) and put it in the fridge for later."

And why should she 'whip up a quick pasta'? Is it the 1950s or something?

YANBU. I would never expect my DH to have dinner prepared for me only when I got home from a late shift. On most late shifts you get a late meal break anyway, I would expect most people to eat then and/or pack a snack, not eat a main meal that late.

@ItWasNotOK

Because she states she is the only one who cooks & this is their dynamic & she was anticipating cooking a dinner this particular night. So instead of asking him what he would like, as apparently he didn’t mind she decided to use this opportunity to teach him a lesson. I’m not sure why the husband must be present to look after the child in order for OP to make dinner. Plenty of people manage children at him & can make dinner.

I’m the furthest thing from a 1950s housewife. It didn’t have to be a quick pasta, it could have been anything. OP says she is the one who does all the cooking & shopping, so why did she apparently need her husband to decide what he wanted for dinner & to inform her?

the OP would arguably be more empowered if she took control of this this decision making process. He didn’t need to be consulted what dinner was for that night. I can’t imagine coming home late from work & being picky about whatever hot meal was cooked for me & placed aside to eat when I got home. I would be grateful & appreciative & not complain what was cooked.

Unless there is is history of the husband here complaining about meals, this I could understand that OP would not cook anything & use this as an opportunity to teach a lesson.

But otherwise it seems the OP is unable to make a simple decision as to what to make for dinner & what will be easiest to cook while looking after the baby before husband has come home.

I find it impossible to believe that you’re unable to make a meal while looking after a baby - plenty of women have juggled all that + more. The Op specifically mentions having anxiety & I feel this is affecting aspects of their relationship dynamic.

Anxiety is fear & worry. Being unable to make a decision because you’re caught in a panic. It is arguably not that difficult to decide what to cook as the SAHP - so for some reason she wants the husband to tell her what to do, instead of being able to make the decision for herself.

Like I said she has stated she is the only one who cooks & shops - so why is this so difficult to decide what to cook for a meal? Surely people who have taken on responsibility for all cooking don’t consult their partner for every single meal?

What I mean is the OP seems to be anxious & stressing about the partner’s new late night shift - she struggles to decide simple things due to anxiety like what to cook & needs guidance & direction. She is also anxious because she perceives she can only commence cooking once husband comes home to take the baby off her hands so she can focus on cooking. She seems to be stressed about the change in routine to late night shifts.

A simple thing as a change in shift pattern has caused unnecessary anxiety & worry - for someone else this wouldn’t be an issue - just decide what is easiest to cook, make it & place it aside.

This isn’t the 1950s but if one partner is working to provide it is a nice courtesy to make them dinner. If the roles were reversed am sure it would be appreciated to not have to come home at 9pm and cook dinner. Not everything is about oppressing women - the dynamic is just something loving couples do.

And also I regularly get tuts, sighs and eye rolls for thinking 'too far ahead'. Plus I am the only one in the house that cooks.

If I had asked about dinner plans in advance, and been tutted at for my efforts, there would be no more conversation other than "OK, you're on your own that evening - sort yourself out".

Why are you the only one that cooks? Your husband can't use the cooker, refuses to, can't follow a recipe or open a can of beans? I accept that that a lot of people aren't gifted or willing chefs, but it doesn't take much to follow a simple recipe or to put pieces of bread into the toaster. Yes that's your "household dynamic" but why?