To ask for more money from DP

[whatthehay]

Back story:

DP moved in with me and my DC a year ago. He was renting a flat for £500pcm before this. We spoke about him moving in and he said he'd pay me the £500 rent. I agreed at the time but now I feel resentful and I don't know if AIBU.

I own my house and the mortgage is relatively small, I have 4 DC and obviously don't expect him to support them. I lost around £800 per month in tax credits when he moved in as I was no longer eligible. We are both self employed. I pay all the household bills, buy the food (cook the food) do the laundry/ housework, childcare etc. My monthly bills inc. utilities/mortgage/sky tv etc are £1500.

He does the dishwasher most nights and moans about the kids not helping around the house, if I asked him to hoover he would and he does any DIY that needs doing or fixes stuff when it breaks. He buys occasional shopping/wine/takeaways/meals out. He paid for some wood (around £300) for a project in the garden and spent a few days making it recently (I paid £2k for the rest of the project finished by a professional)

I know it's not his house and they are not his children but I feel like he's getting a really good deal for £500 a month. He paid that in rent but then paid food/utilities/council tax etc on top before he moved in. I am 20 weeks pregnant with his baby so my costs are going to go up. We have had a few conversations where I've said I'm supporting him but he maintains he pays his way/contributes.

AIBU to ask him for more?

He needs to contribute to food/utilities too as I imagine they weren't free when he was renting

I would tell him living together isn't working out for you and get your £800 back

Why isn’t he contributing to bills and shopping? He should definitely be paying his fair share there!

The £500 is sort of an all inclusive contribution! 😂😂 it's not enough is it?

He should as a minimum been giving you the £800 you lost from tax credits

He's a sponger. Living together isn't working out, time her moved on isn't it.

You are having his baby. He needs to stop behaving like a lodger.

Well of course YANBU

His expenses and disposable income went up when he moved in and yours went down. Why wasn’t he contributing to food at least from the beginning?

How do you BOTH intend to fund your maternity leave or does he see that as your problem?

*i meant of course that your expenses went up and his went down

If he wants to be part of a family, he needs to pay his way, basically half of everything. I assume your baby is his, what's he going to do when they are born, just pay for half of their food and nothing else. He needs to grow up!

I can see that you’re resentful having lost your tax credits. However, you say your costs are 1500/month. He is paying a third of that despite being only 1 out of 6 people in the property and not owning any of it.

@JoJoSM2 yes, this is why I am not sure if I am being unreasonable feeling resentful.

It depends I think how much your mortgage is? And what your 1500 a month bills are actually for? He will obviously need to contribute more when the baby arrives, and he probably should be paying more for food. I would count up all utilities and the mortgage or rent payment and ask him for half of that, and add extra for food shopping.

Why would you move someone in knowing you were losing so much money and he wasnt going to make it up?

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion it's £1500 all in - mortgage utilities council tax food

@doodleygirl it's a good question 😬

Tricky one

You currently own the house and he has no claim on it. If you start combining your finances further and he is contributing to the mortgage and household repairs etc then it becomes less clear cut and he could attempt to claim a stake in the house if you split.

On the other hand, you are having his baby so he clearly needs to start contributing more and can't behave like a lodger forever!

You need to have a serious chat about the future ASAP so you can decide whether you really want to combine your life with this man further or cut your losses and go it alone

I lost around £800 per month in tax credits when he moved in as I was no longer eligible.

I'm trying to imagine loving someone so much that I'd lose all that family money. I'm not sure my kids would be convinced by it, either.

If your bills are 1,500, he’s paying 500 and he’s not named on the mortgage so won’t be entitled to your house... how much more do you want? He’s 1/6 and paying 1/3 so far

Does that include phone bills, car payment, credit card bills?

Obviously it's completely shit that you have lost out on so much money. Tbh I don't think I would move someone into my house unless we were going to be putting money together and sharing money, but that's just me. I know there are plenty of people who don't share their money.

It depends on what you are including in your costs per month.

We’ve recently moved in together and I have one child our set up is below.
Utilties/food he pays 1/3
Council tax he pays 1/2
Holidays he pays 1/3
I have a mortgage, I don’t like the idea of him paying rent so instead he puts x amount away in savings so if we do get married I can remortgage and he can contribute a deposit as well as then paying towards the mortgage so we both pay the same proportion of our wage. He would rather just pay me rent, but I’ve managed to get my own way.

We have had a few discussions and we have agreed that if we do get married then we will both pay the same proportion of our wages to cover all bills. If we do go on to get married we are also going to foster to adopt so for us it makes sense that my son is a shared cost (I know that makes him sound like a possession) as we both think it would be weird if in the future I’m paying for 1.5 children and hes paying for .5 children. We also have an agreement regarding adoption leave etc. Have you got a solid agreement regarding maternity leave?

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion that doesn't include phone/car/credit cards etc just anything house related

He needs to pay
25% council tax from you losing the single person discount
Additional shopping costs re groceries toiletries etc
Additional utilities heat light water etc
Any extra other costs treats going out etc
A house rent or lodging cost - how much is a house share in your area? He should be paying at least 75% of that.

He is better off by not having to pay bills etc and you’re worse off by £800 plus the extras in other costs incurred. And he’s not pulling his weight around the house either.

When my DP moved in he was paying £100 a week to rent a room I lost about that in tax credits so initially he gave me that and we were about straight. He would also occasionally do a big shop.
Now we have 2 DC together so he still gives me the £100 but most weeks does the shopping. He also runs our main family car with associated costs. Before he moved in I got a co habitation agreement drawn up by a solicitor. Because I wanted to be sure he could have no claim on my house. I only have a small mortgage, a DD from a previous relationship and was burnt in a divorce! If you can afford it mabye look at this

The starting point obviously needs to be how much your mortgage payments are.
Followed by all utilities bills, council tax.
He needs to pay a fair percentage of those.
Followed by the food bill.
As for losing your tax credit's, surely that is a discussion you had before hand. What was the plan?

This is tough, because on the face of it, him moving in has cost you £800 a month and he's not making that up... And his old home will have cost him more than just rent.

But after that impulsive reaction that he should make up at least what you've lost,
If your bills are 1,500, he’s paying 500 and he’s not named on the mortgage so won’t be entitled to your house... how much more do you want? He’s 1/6 and paying 1/3 so far

That's the truth. He's paying a third, he is a sixth of the household and it's not his house.

When I moved in with my fiancé, I had been paying £990 in rent as well as utilities, food, CT, etc.
But when I moved in, I paid about £500 a month - mostly I bought all our food and paid the CT and for our outings, and he paid his mortgage and things, and it worked out about 50/50.

In your case, it's 66/33, but you're paying for 5 people and he's paying for 1...

What's the plan for maternity leave? The long term housing plan?