To ask for more money from DP

[whatthehay]

Back story:

DP moved in with me and my DC a year ago. He was renting a flat for £500pcm before this. We spoke about him moving in and he said he'd pay me the £500 rent. I agreed at the time but now I feel resentful and I don't know if AIBU.

I own my house and the mortgage is relatively small, I have 4 DC and obviously don't expect him to support them. I lost around £800 per month in tax credits when he moved in as I was no longer eligible. We are both self employed. I pay all the household bills, buy the food (cook the food) do the laundry/ housework, childcare etc. My monthly bills inc. utilities/mortgage/sky tv etc are £1500.

He does the dishwasher most nights and moans about the kids not helping around the house, if I asked him to hoover he would and he does any DIY that needs doing or fixes stuff when it breaks. He buys occasional shopping/wine/takeaways/meals out. He paid for some wood (around £300) for a project in the garden and spent a few days making it recently (I paid £2k for the rest of the project finished by a professional)

I know it's not his house and they are not his children but I feel like he's getting a really good deal for £500 a month. He paid that in rent but then paid food/utilities/council tax etc on top before he moved in. I am 20 weeks pregnant with his baby so my costs are going to go up. We have had a few conversations where I've said I'm supporting him but he maintains he pays his way/contributes.

AIBU to ask him for more?

So you got pregnant again despite already feeling resentful of this man. Brilliant. The money is the least of your problems.

@mrsmuddlepies
Him moving on has nothing to do with my purchasing another property and he doesn't finance that in anyway. I'm confused why you think this

@Devlesko. Hardly so desperate that the partner moving in has enabled the OP to buy a second property. Do you really think this is fair?
A second property would mean that the tax credits would have gone anyway.

@mrsmuddlepies

Exactly, thank you *@BluntAndToThePoint80. The OP's partner moving in has enabled her to buy a second property for herself. Can you imagine the uproar from MN if a man used the money from his partner to fund two* properties, neither of which he has a stake in?

Exactly! And had 5 kids on top of that.

What a cocklodger you have there.he should pay half of everything

But @whatthehay, your tax credits would have been taken off you anyway, when you bought a second property. So you haven't lost 800 pounds but you have gained his contribution.

Either he pays half and is a proper step dad ,or he leaves ..I would not accept less than that
But then I would not of moved a man in ,if I had my life as yours was ..you had no need for him to move in .

whatthehey I think mrsmuddlepies is referring to the fact that you would have lost the tax credits anyway when you bought a second property, so your DP moving in has meant that you're only down £300 a month instead of £800.

Is the second property rented out?

@Veganfortheanimals , if he pays half of everything, should he be given a share of the two properties the OP now owns?

It was situational. I didn't have the money to buy another property whilst claiming tax credits. If he hadn't moved in I may have lost the tax credits at this point any way. I'm not sure on the rules of tax credits. But I know I'm not entitled to UC now. I get a small income from the property so it's probably about even overall with DPs contribution but my income isn't really the point.

haven't included their after school activities, pocket money, clothes, entertainment, gifts etc or my personal expenses like loans/credit cards/car/insurance etc why on earth would he have to pay towards this?

Nah he should be offering to give you a fair chunk more. Those saying he isn't on the mortgage well he wasn't on one anyway as he was renting. He should be offering half the council tax and a contribution towards food utilities and everything else. That is, of course, assuming he sees you as a team...

But @PineappleTart, the OP doesn't see them as a team otherwise he would have a claim on the two properties she owns.

"I am £300 worse off with you living here, and that's not including the additional food, which you eat a lot of, and utilities. And I'm currently carrying your baby, another mouth to feed and clothe. This need to be addressed. Now."

@mrsmuddlepies
I've really upset you haven't I? 😂

I'll take it as a yes I am being unreasonable from you!

It shouldn’t cost you anything to have him there. So he would need to cover the 800 plus his utility use, food, and something towards general upkeep of the house. Absolute bare minimum he should be giving you 1000 and really that is the lowest I would remotely consider.

Since you are having his baby, he should also compensate you for the hit to your immediate earnings and career in general. Is he prepared to cover half of your lost income during maternity leave? Is he saving to pay for baby purchases? Child care? Etc?

I lost around £800 per month in tax credits when he moved in as I was no longer eligible
I'm not eligible for universal credit (I own another property) so I'd actually be worse off if he moved out

The original post was very misleading. So instead of taking on the financial hardship, the DH is actually already subsidizing her and her kids lifestyle and @whatthehay wants him to pay more!!

I'd be more concerned about the fact that he's not sharing the burden of housework, will hoover 'when asked', and you're having a baby with him.

@Immigrantsong 100% agree here.

OP, I was going to say move him out ASAP and thank God you are not tied for life but then I got to the lat paragraph and saw that you are.

So, you need to split up - he already does nothing around the house and is passive aggressive with your DC - this will only increase when he has his own DC to give him extra 'weight' at the table.

You have sacrificed your children's financial wellbeing to move in a man who is not supporting you either financially or emotionally (house work).

Why on earth do you think he is great and lovely - what did you learn about men from your own father? Previous relationships?

I know this is harsh but you are sleepwalking into an even greater disaster. How old are your DC? Please split now - to will be much harder to do so once the child is here as he will feel entitled to stay.

@Purpleartichoke - you think he should pay a £1000 for the joy of living with the op and her 4 kids! When the bills in total are only £1500. You must be on crack.

You haven't upset me OP but in my opinion you were being disingenuous when you described your financial set up. I would not like to think that people can afford to own two properties and rent one out and then think you can continue to claim money from the state. The fact that you blame your partner for losing your tax credits shows that you thought you would go on claiming if he had not moved in.

@whatthehay

It was situational. I didn't have the money to buy another property whilst claiming tax credits. If he hadn't moved in I may have lost the tax credits at this point any way. I'm not sure on the rules of tax credits. But I know I'm not entitled to UC now. I get a small income from the property so it's probably about even overall with DPs contribution but my income isn't really the point.

But if your income isn't the point, then what is the point?

You pay for what is yours, and he pays for what is his.

You have 2 properties and 4 children. He has no properties and no children. Because of this his outgoings are low, yours are high.

He is already subsidising you as he is paying over and above his 1/6 share of the outgoings.

If you want to fully blend and share incomes and for him to take financial responsibility, then you need to share your assets. You cannot expect him to subsidise you when you will not share your wealth/assets with him.

You are the one in the strong position here, he is the one who is paying out over the odds for his share of the living costs, but not being given an interest in either property.

You cannot expect him, the one without assets or security to give you yet more money, while you won't give him a share of your assets or any security.

You are the wealthy one. You are being very greedy to expect to keep everything you own to yourself while he subsidises you.

Ah, now you have said you own a second property you haven’t lost £800 by him moving in, you have lost £800 as you own another property. If you hadn’t purchased the property is likely the money you would have used as the deposit would also mean you were no longer able to claim benefits.

So you have gained his contribution of £500 minus his portion of council tax, food etc. So you’re actually better off having him there.

The kids should be helping around the house as well. I’m going to presume being kids they make a fair amount of mess!

Thank you @Cheeseandwin5. So @whatthehay, I am not the only one who thinks your OP was misleading.