To ask for more money from DP

[whatthehay]

Back story:

DP moved in with me and my DC a year ago. He was renting a flat for £500pcm before this. We spoke about him moving in and he said he'd pay me the £500 rent. I agreed at the time but now I feel resentful and I don't know if AIBU.

I own my house and the mortgage is relatively small, I have 4 DC and obviously don't expect him to support them. I lost around £800 per month in tax credits when he moved in as I was no longer eligible. We are both self employed. I pay all the household bills, buy the food (cook the food) do the laundry/ housework, childcare etc. My monthly bills inc. utilities/mortgage/sky tv etc are £1500.

He does the dishwasher most nights and moans about the kids not helping around the house, if I asked him to hoover he would and he does any DIY that needs doing or fixes stuff when it breaks. He buys occasional shopping/wine/takeaways/meals out. He paid for some wood (around £300) for a project in the garden and spent a few days making it recently (I paid £2k for the rest of the project finished by a professional)

I know it's not his house and they are not his children but I feel like he's getting a really good deal for £500 a month. He paid that in rent but then paid food/utilities/council tax etc on top before he moved in. I am 20 weeks pregnant with his baby so my costs are going to go up. We have had a few conversations where I've said I'm supporting him but he maintains he pays his way/contributes.

AIBU to ask him for more?

@mumof2exhausted it's not specifically towards the mortgage, it's more towards all the costs of living in a house.

@dogperson05 I bought the property after ceasing to claim tax credits with some inheritance that I luckily got.

[quote whatthehay]@SunshineCake I'm not really struggling but I feel resentful that the financial burden is on me when there are 2 adults here. And I don't know if that's unreasonable ...[/quote]
But the financial burden is on you because the property is yours and the children are yours.

He has neither property nor children (yet) so does not have that financial burden.

You cannot expect him to pay towards property or children that are wholly yours, whilst withholding all your assets to yourself.

Either share or don't share, but you can't expect him to share what he has while you won't share your (considerably greater) assets.

He will need to share the costs of supporting the child that you are carrying.

After the initial Man bashing comments, its nice to see some with a fairer approach.
I would say that if you have agreed £500 than its hardly fair for you (and some of the commentators) to bash him for not paying more.
I would add that he was paying £500 for a flat on his own and now he is paying £500 for a shared house albeit with bills, so its not that great a deal.
If you feel he should be paying more than you need to have that conversation.
I really don't think there is a right or wrong answer and compromise where you both are happy or atleast not resentful is the only solution
You are obviously not happy with how things stand so that needs to be the start of the conversation.
Currently you are worse of financial with him there so it is only fair to ask for more.
You could ask him to pay £800 per month ( to cover your tax credits) but that would mean he would be paying more than half the costs (and as such would be paying for you and your DC's) which he may not think was fair.
I suppose somewhere in the middle would be appropriate
One further point is that if you threw him out, he would have nothing, whilst you would still have you house and needs to make provisions for that.

Tbh if you didn't have the kids then £500 each would be enough money for a one bedroom flat and bills. If he gives you more then he's subsidising your children, which isn't fair.

resentful that the financial burden is on me when there are 2 adults here

But your the one with 4 children which is why your bills etc are more....

How do your bills work?

If he pays £500 and your food bill is £400 a month because he eats steak every night and insists on brand names then it's not fair, but if the bulk of your bills are child related than £500 is possibly fair.

That said I can't imagine moving in with someone I love, that costing them £800 a month and only paying £500. I would either have accepted life was going to be more expensive because I was moving into a house with 4 kids or I wouldn't have moved in.

@PicklePig31

Sorry, I’m going to disagree with the majority here.

He’s paying 1/3 of the house costs. Which is actually a fair whack when a) he’s 1/6 of people living there and b) he has no rights in the house. The fact you have lost money because he moved in is by the by here - that was your choice and I don’t think he should be helping you recoup some of this money (not his children etc).

BUT, I do think with your new little one on way, he should contribute more each month to them. That would be fair.

If you get married, you need to be very careful about the house and also, id think about sharing your finances further to be fair to both of you. Does the father of the DP not contribute at all?

Agree with that. Baffled by most of the responses on here. If the sexes of the OP and her DP were the other way round, and it was a woman was saying she was going to cover 1/3 of the household expenses for her DP and his 4 kids, despite having no claim on the house, there would be outrage on her behalf.

The DP needs to step up with the housework, but he is already paying more than his fair share.

Op. Perhaps you should just pop in and see a solicitor and see if by living in your hosue and paying money he might have a claim to a beneficial financial interest in the house.

If you do not wish for him to have such a thing I would advise getting advice about ho insure against it.

It might be worth a one off appointment to get clarity on it.

He's being more than fair. I don't think it would be fair to ask for more .

I wouldn't pay towards a mortgage I wasnt named on.
I also wouldn't pay towards children who weren't mine, the shared financial burden there is with the other parent.
I'd pay half of Bill's and utilities and think the other adult was getting a good deal as I'm only using 1/6 yet paying 1/2.

@lyralalala
He eats whatever I cook 😂 bless him. But he did moan when I bought own brand weetabix 😂

The £1500 is mortgage, council tax, utilities, TV, WFI, contents insurance, a storage unit that we both use and food/household items for the 6 of us.

I haven't included their after school activities, pocket money, clothes, entertainment, gifts etc or my personal expenses like loans/credit cards/car/insurance etc

When he was renting he had a whole flat to himself whereas now he has half of your shared room (I assume) and the rest of the house to share with the 5 of you. I think £500 is entirely reasonable but while you are getting maternity allowance hopefully he will pay more towards food etc.

I've never been in this position but I feel like since you are now living as a family, and are having his child, that living costs should be split more equally.

One way to look at us that you are paying £800 - £500 so £300 a month, plus additional food and utilities for the pleasure of his company.

Does it feel worth it?

I wouldn't blend households or join a household with DC. Too complicated and here you are paying for the privilege.

OP owns two properties and she was only able to buy the second because she had stopped claiming tax credits.
I bought the property after ceasing to claim tax credits with some inheritance that I luckily got.
Therefore, if her partner moved out she could not go back to claiming tax credits.

If the overall bill is 1500 a month and that includes food for 6 people I am going to assume the food bill a month is say 500. That means he is paying half the bills and mortgage (as rent) and should perhaps pay a 1/6 of the food bill - so another 80ish. When the new baby comes he should pay half of all these costs, but it isn't fair to expect him to pay more to pay for children that are not his. Also, as he is not benefitting from the home/mortgage as an investment should he be contributing towards it? When you look at it like this it sounds more than fair how much hes contributing.

In fact, if OP's partner had not moved in she would not have been able to buy the second property. I bet he is not on the mortgage for the second property either.

I think what he pays is reasonable but will need to pay more once the baby arrives. Have you discussed that with him ?

He's paying £500 towards the bills which is more than reasonable. He has no financial interest in the house whatsoever and I presume he will also need to save some money to live somewhere when your house is sold. Do you get any CSA? If this was the other way round, everyone would be telling the woman to marry the man so she was entitled to half his assets.

I think @mrsmuddlepies has a point - she hadn’t lost her tax credits now because of her DP, but because she owns multiple properties.

I agree with others that think, on the face of it, the situation is fair as the existing children are not yours and he has (and never will have if you have a trust set up) any interest in your house(s).

Yeah should of really discussed how much you would be loosing out on before he moved in, this is why when women with kids receive benefits of any kind it rarely makes financial sense for a partner to move in as they will almost allways lose money, but if you want the relationship to progress you will just have to accept it if he does not want to contribute more.

I think the £500pm is fine for now.

As pps have said , things will need to change from the moment you take maternity leave. Just have an open discussion with him op , lay it all out...you income will reduce by £X , childcare will cost £X , nappies and activities for the baby will probably cost £X etc.

Exactly, thank you @BluntAndToThePoint80. The OP's partner moving in has enabled her to buy a second property for herself. Can you imagine the uproar from MN if a man used the money from his partner to fund two properties, neither of which he has a stake in?

How recently have you been feeling like this? Was it before you wanted a baby with your boyfriend? Or only since you became pregnant? Have you been thinking about how hard it is going to be when you're off work?

You were getting a lot of tax credits, you must have known that would stop for good if you gave it up to move your boyfriend in. You must have given the consequences of that some thought with a lot of children to look after surely? I can't see this going anywhere if you're already resentful of him despite him paying hs way.