To ask for more money from DP

[whatthehay]

Back story:

DP moved in with me and my DC a year ago. He was renting a flat for £500pcm before this. We spoke about him moving in and he said he'd pay me the £500 rent. I agreed at the time but now I feel resentful and I don't know if AIBU.

I own my house and the mortgage is relatively small, I have 4 DC and obviously don't expect him to support them. I lost around £800 per month in tax credits when he moved in as I was no longer eligible. We are both self employed. I pay all the household bills, buy the food (cook the food) do the laundry/ housework, childcare etc. My monthly bills inc. utilities/mortgage/sky tv etc are £1500.

He does the dishwasher most nights and moans about the kids not helping around the house, if I asked him to hoover he would and he does any DIY that needs doing or fixes stuff when it breaks. He buys occasional shopping/wine/takeaways/meals out. He paid for some wood (around £300) for a project in the garden and spent a few days making it recently (I paid £2k for the rest of the project finished by a professional)

I know it's not his house and they are not his children but I feel like he's getting a really good deal for £500 a month. He paid that in rent but then paid food/utilities/council tax etc on top before he moved in. I am 20 weeks pregnant with his baby so my costs are going to go up. We have had a few conversations where I've said I'm supporting him but he maintains he pays his way/contributes.

AIBU to ask him for more?

If his £500 covers:
1/6 of food - e.g £125 pcm
1/6 of utilities, phone, WiFi etc - e.g £100 pcm
1/4 council tax - e.g £50 pcm
And something towards mortgage as rent - e.g £200 pcm

Total: £475

Therefore asking him for more is not at all reasonable as he has no financial interest in the houses and no financial responsibility for your 4 children. Without him there you would be paying all outgoings for you and your kids anyway.

The loss of TC is a red herring as you would have lost them anyway with the inheritance/second property. When your shared child arrives he will have more financial responsibility obviously, but right now I’d say he is absolutely paying his way.

YABU OP in my opinion.

@SimonJT
I lost the tax credits when he moved in.

Then I inherited some money and decided to invest it for a bit of income. (Which I needed because I lost my benefits)

Two separate events.

Maybe the latter would have happened anyway but I was able to buy the property without worrying about it affecting my benefits because I wasn't claiming any.

Now I'm not entitled to UC if we were to split up.

It's a win/lose situation

Why do people use things like getting dinners and laundry done as if it's a massive thing. OP has 4 other children, dinner will be cooked so plating up 1 more isn't hard. Washing is already being done adding a few more bits isn't hard. Yes food bill would have gone up but not massively and of course he should support when the new baby arrives.
Tax credits would have gone because of the inheritance and the extra income, not because he moved in. Almost like OP resents him for living in her 'lovely family home'.
What do you want from him OP?

He should as a minimum been giving you the £800 you lost from tax credits

THIS ^

And now you are pregnant - he should be contributing even more, both in cash and around the house.

I think he's paying a reasonable amount at the moment.

However, I would work out the drop in income you will see due to having the baby plus the costs of that baby, and make sure he shares (if not covers) those costs.
In fact, I think this is where his salary and disposable income becomes important, because if your income is impacted by having his child, you should strive to have similar spending money.

Usually if a woman is asked to pay rent by a partner this is not acceptable. I think he needs to pay half towards bills and a bit less than half for food. I don't think he can be expected to make up any tax credits you lost.

Surely you also get maintenance for your other 4 kids?

Then I inherited some money and decided to invest it for a bit of income. (Which I needed because I lost my benefits)

So assuming this additional income covers the £300 plus your DP's food/utility costs, you haven't actually seen a drop in income since losing the tax credits?

All these people saying he is just 1/6. Do you charge your school age children for rent, food, utilities etc? Of course not. That’s a ridiculous way to divide it up. Him not being the DCs dad just means he doesn’t pay for say school uniform or trips (although a decent step dad would contribute). It doesn’t mean he gets out of paying half the bills! He knew OP had DC. She didn’t hold a gun to his head to get him to move in. He wanted to be part of the family. So much so that they are now having a child themselves. £500 a month would be fine if OP was renting a room to him as a lodger but he’s meant to be her partner (the clues right there in the name). No wonder there are so many cocklodgers around! They’re laughing all the way to the bank when even women are saying he should only be paying minimum costs!

@gypsywater

Surely you also get maintenance for your other 4 kids?

I asked this question too. OP?

[quote whatthehay]@SunshineCake I'm not really struggling but I feel resentful that the financial burden is on me when there are 2 adults here. And I don't know if that's unreasonable ...[/quote]
It is not unreasonable to think that. He should be sharing all the living costs and half the new baby costs. Paying rent doesn't give him a share in the house so paying towards living shouldn't give him any rights to yours.

As Martin Lewis has been saying a lot you need to come to an arrangement which causes you both the least pain rather than one person shouldering all of it and the other all the benefit.

This is ridiculous. No grown man can live all expenses paid for a miserable £500 a month.

When you share your home with another working adult, who's supposed to love you, you should BOTH benefit from the arrangement.

The only one benefitting here is him.

Your partner has no financial stake in either of your properties but you expect him to pay half towards their upkeep as well as the upkeep of 4 children that aren’t his?
You sound a little greedy and sexist. Either put him on the mortgage/s or let him pay less to give him a little financial freedom to save etc.
You can’t expect him to put in 50% but leave with 0% if it all goes tits up.

My dp pays less than 500 but I was never entitled to benefits so I'm better off than before he moved in, there's no way you should be worse off,does he realise this?

@ikus84 Indeed

@Murraygoldberg

My dp pays less than 500 but I was never entitled to benefits so I'm better off than before he moved in, there's no way you should be worse off,does he realise this?

She’s not worse off. She’s recently bought a second property so the tax credits would have been cancelled anyway. She’s actually £500 better off with him living there.

@Meruem

The point here is that the op would be paying the living costs of her own children anyway (and presumably receiving cm from their father to assist with this), so why should her new partner be covering half these costs when he has no financial interest in the properties she owns and is not likely ever to as they are in trust for her dc.

@damnthatanxiety

I feel like he's getting a really good deal for £500 a month. He paid that in rent but then paid food/utilities/council tax etc on top before he moved in.

So he is BETTER OFF living with you and you are WORSE OFF with him living with you. Have you pointed this out? Have you also pointed out that once you have the baby (his I presume) he will also need to contribute more for HIS CHILD

But he lived in his own place. Now he's living in a house with 4 kids that aren't his! Of course his own place cost more!

@User50000999788887876655

Split the household bills etc down the middle and then take a contribution like 200 a month for food (which is still a great deal!!) so he should be paying about £950 a month.

The £1500 OP said INCLUDES food for the whole family (her 4 kids included)

I never got CM for my DC. You can’t just assume. As I said, he chose to move in. No one forced him. Either he wants to be part of the family or he doesn’t. The way things are so far, he is a lodger. If I was OP I’d be saying step up or move out.

I lost around £800 per month in tax credits when he moved in as I was no longer eligible.

Rory but I'm Lost for words as to why you knew this beforehand, but didn't address it before you made the decision to let him move in. Plus all the other cocklodgery things....

@Disfordarkchocolate

He is taking the piss. He should be paying at least £400 a month more.

Why?! How have you worked that out when he has no children, one on the way and no stake in either property owned by OP?!

Sorry not Rory

[quote whatthehay]@SunshineCake I'm not really struggling but I feel resentful that the financial burden is on me when there are 2 adults here. And I don't know if that's unreasonable ...[/quote]
The conceal burden is on you. YOU will have 4 children. He has 1.
Why have you made such foolish and selfish decisions?

I'm puzzled why you would get pregnant when you already have 4 dc and your relationship doesn't seem to be on equal or solid footing. He shouldn't be expected to pay for you're 4dc you mentioned food but the majority of costs will be from yourself and 4 dc aswell as the running costs of the bills. It would be different if he had his own dc aswell but he's one person. I would suggest an increase when babies born but thats it.