To ask for more money from DP

[whatthehay]

Back story:

DP moved in with me and my DC a year ago. He was renting a flat for £500pcm before this. We spoke about him moving in and he said he'd pay me the £500 rent. I agreed at the time but now I feel resentful and I don't know if AIBU.

I own my house and the mortgage is relatively small, I have 4 DC and obviously don't expect him to support them. I lost around £800 per month in tax credits when he moved in as I was no longer eligible. We are both self employed. I pay all the household bills, buy the food (cook the food) do the laundry/ housework, childcare etc. My monthly bills inc. utilities/mortgage/sky tv etc are £1500.

He does the dishwasher most nights and moans about the kids not helping around the house, if I asked him to hoover he would and he does any DIY that needs doing or fixes stuff when it breaks. He buys occasional shopping/wine/takeaways/meals out. He paid for some wood (around £300) for a project in the garden and spent a few days making it recently (I paid £2k for the rest of the project finished by a professional)

I know it's not his house and they are not his children but I feel like he's getting a really good deal for £500 a month. He paid that in rent but then paid food/utilities/council tax etc on top before he moved in. I am 20 weeks pregnant with his baby so my costs are going to go up. We have had a few conversations where I've said I'm supporting him but he maintains he pays his way/contributes.

AIBU to ask him for more?

@SimonJT
I'm going to be claiming maternity allowance (hopefully) as I'm self employed. I work from home anyway so I will continue to do what I can and I expect him to help out with childcare as necessary!

I'm concerned about the house thing, I've put the house in trust for my children and he has the right to continue to live there until the youngest is 21 when it will be sold and the proceeds split between the DC (if I were to die before him.)

Well, it’s not that either of you is unreasonable and I think it’s easy to see both your points. It’s just about working sth that both parties can agree on if you’ve got a baby on the way. Not an easy one tbh.

I will never seize to be shocked by the amount of women that will actively make wrong decisions that impact on their children and their own economic situation.

Come on OP, you know you are being taken for a mug. The question is why have you allowed this and what are you going to do about it. I am blunt and know this but you owe it to your children to make better decisions. No man ever deserves them being taken for a ride. This money could have been saved for their future or used for them now. Come on.

Surely 500 is enough when your bills are 1500?

[quote whatthehay]@SimonJT
I'm going to be claiming maternity allowance (hopefully) as I'm self employed. I work from home anyway so I will continue to do what I can and I expect him to help out with childcare as necessary!

I'm concerned about the house thing, I've put the house in trust for my children and he has the right to continue to live there until the youngest is 21 when it will be sold and the proceeds split between the DC (if I were to die before him.) [/quote]
But will maternity allowance cover the associated costs of the children that you already have?

What @immigrantsong says in spades.
I'm just baffled at the reasoning that with four children already, you'd think having another baby by the cocklodger was a good idea!

@BluebellForest836

If your bills are 1,500, he’s paying 500 and he’s not named on the mortgage so won’t be entitled to your house... how much more do you want? He’s 1/6 and paying 1/3 so far

Agree with this! Why is he a cocklodger?

Sorry, I’m going to disagree with the majority here.

He’s paying 1/3 of the house costs. Which is actually a fair whack when a) he’s 1/6 of people living there and b) he has no rights in the house. The fact you have lost money because he moved in is by the by here - that was your choice and I don’t think he should be helping you recoup some of this money (not his children etc).

BUT, I do think with your new little one on way, he should contribute more each month to them. That would be fair.

If you get married, you need to be very careful about the house and also, id think about sharing your finances further to be fair to both of you. Does the father of the DP not contribute at all?

Also, he’s not a cocklodger, the man is contributing which is far bloody more that similar posts on MN I have read. Give him a break.

@PicklePig31
He's a great guy! I just wanted to know if I was being reasonable to ask for a bit more contribution to running the house!

Presumably the facts are you would be better off if he moved back out.

So I would ask him to either contribute £x plus 50% of his babies childcare costs or move back out.

Sorry but he isn't going to suddenly step up willingly is he?

@RandomMess I'm not eligible for universal credit (I own another property) so I'd actually be worse off if he moved out 😬

Seems like you're asset rich and cash poor..,

Another property too OP?

Honestly, I think he’s been really reasonable and I reckon he’d contribute more if you explained it was for the new baby (congratulations!) xx

How about he takes out a mortgage and buys part of one of your properties???

Obviously all done legally and ownership protected etc.

I bet he thinks all his xmas's have come at once.
he should be paying for half bills and any projects are really yours as it's your house.

OP, he's not a great guy at all. Moaning at your children, how dare he.
You've set your bar terribly low, I'm afraid.
Were you desperate.

Why doesn't he do more around the house? A bit of DIY here and there, and loading the dishwasher is nothing. When he moved in with a woman who already has children, he became part of the family, and is just as responsible for the running of the household as you are.

Are you struggling or are you resentful that he was paying It more to live alone than he does now with all the extra benefits? Work that out then talk to him.

Rent is separate from bills is separate from pulling your weight with housework and, soon, childcare.

YWNBU to discuss it with him but if you are now a family you need to look at the overall position, not just him as a single man paying bed and board.

I am 20 weeks pregnant with his baby so my costs are going to go up.

• no, 'OUR costs are going to go up'.

He's currently contributing far more than his fair share.

Either you are fully committed, in which case you blend money (income and assets) entirely, including giving him equal ownership over the house, and him supporting your children from a previous relationship or you remain financially separate and the house remains yours, but your children from a previous relationship remain your responsibility to support. He'll obviously need to pay his share of the costs of the child you are carrying.

If you want him to pick up your costs, you have to share your assets.

Otherwise its a bit "what's his is family money and what's mine is mine"

Didn't you think you should sort all of this out before having his child?

@SunshineCake I'm not really struggling but I feel resentful that the financial burden is on me when there are 2 adults here. And I don't know if that's unreasonable ...

If this was the other way around and a woman was paying a man £500 towards his mortgage which her name wasn’t on there would be uproar. It’s a really tricky one as if it’s name isn’t actually on the mortgage he’s not in a great position but then you’re having a baby together and for most people money just gets combined anyway. What’s the plan for when you are on mat leave?

I wasn't aware you could own multiple properties and claim £800 a month in tax credits?