To ask for more money from DP

[whatthehay]

Back story:

DP moved in with me and my DC a year ago. He was renting a flat for £500pcm before this. We spoke about him moving in and he said he'd pay me the £500 rent. I agreed at the time but now I feel resentful and I don't know if AIBU.

I own my house and the mortgage is relatively small, I have 4 DC and obviously don't expect him to support them. I lost around £800 per month in tax credits when he moved in as I was no longer eligible. We are both self employed. I pay all the household bills, buy the food (cook the food) do the laundry/ housework, childcare etc. My monthly bills inc. utilities/mortgage/sky tv etc are £1500.

He does the dishwasher most nights and moans about the kids not helping around the house, if I asked him to hoover he would and he does any DIY that needs doing or fixes stuff when it breaks. He buys occasional shopping/wine/takeaways/meals out. He paid for some wood (around £300) for a project in the garden and spent a few days making it recently (I paid £2k for the rest of the project finished by a professional)

I know it's not his house and they are not his children but I feel like he's getting a really good deal for £500 a month. He paid that in rent but then paid food/utilities/council tax etc on top before he moved in. I am 20 weeks pregnant with his baby so my costs are going to go up. We have had a few conversations where I've said I'm supporting him but he maintains he pays his way/contributes.

AIBU to ask him for more?

@howfarwevecome

"I am £300 worse off with you living here, and that's not including the additional food, which you eat a lot of, and utilities. And I'm currently carrying your baby, another mouth to feed and clothe. This need to be addressed. Now."

Except that's not true.

She's £500 a month better off because he is there.

She's not entitled to universal credit because she owns two properties.

If she asks him to leave she will lose £500.

She wants him to further subsidize her family, but isn't prepared to share her wealth with him.

“ I can see that you’re resentful having lost your tax credits. However, you say your costs are 1500/month. He is paying a third of that despite being only 1 out of 6 people in the property and not owning any of it.”

You’re looking at it from the wrong angle. It’s not just “how much of a proportion of OP’s outgoing should this man pay”. It’s also “how much does it cost for a grown man to support himself”.

When he lived alone he was paying £500 rent plus everything else. He was worse off. Since he moved in with OP, he is better off (by, at a guess, £300) and she is worse off (by at least £300, considering her bills will have gone up since he moved in).

Those are the facts. There is no rationalizing them away. They are facts. OP, YANBU. He pays more or he leaves.

Sorry I didn't mean it to be misleading. It was a change of circumstances after he moved in that meant I could buy a property and that meant I would no longer be eligible for benefits if he moved out.

@whatthehay you haven't answered the question many other posters have asked. Do you think he should contribute more than he is to 1. Pay off your mortgage. 2. Cover more than the 1/6 of utility/food bills and half the council tax. Does this add up to more or less than 500?

As a minimum he should be paying what you lost in tax credits, as that was money you used, then his extra costs for food, elec etc on top. Why should you be out of pocket

I feel like he's getting a really good deal for £500 a month. He paid that in rent but then paid food/utilities/council tax etc on top before he moved in.

So he is BETTER OFF living with you and you are WORSE OFF with him living with you. Have you pointed this out? Have you also pointed out that once you have the baby (his I presume) he will also need to contribute more for HIS CHILD

When my partner moved in with me we decided that he would give me the equivalent of his old rent, which goes towards the mortgage. He also puts £200 a week into the joint account which goes towards the utilities and food, and any left over is disposable.

very tricky to see how this can be made fair

How much is your mortgage? He should be paying his share of food and utilities and then a middle ground figure for rent, he shouldn't be paying you market value for rent because he doesn't have full use of the house . So maybe whatever it costs to rent a room in a house share in your area would be fair.

Why did you both think it was acceptable that moving in together would mean he was much better off and you were much worse off? What kind of partnership is that?

The £800 you were losing in tax credits should have been the starting point, and then he still would need to cover what he costs in food, utilities and council tax on top of that so you are not left worse off. And PP the idea that an adult male costs the same in food and bills as a child is ludicrous.

With regards to his laziness that's even more of a problem especially with a baby on the way. Dont know what you can do about that.

"When he lived alone he was paying £500 rent plus everything else. He was worse off. Since he moved in with OP, he is better off (by, at a guess, £300) and she is worse off (by at least £300,"

You think someone who pays 500 a month in rent ( a bit more than I do) pays 300 in bills? I'd guess closer to 100 for council tax and less than 100 for gas, electricity and internet.

OP is NOT worse off by 300 because he moved in - she deceived us in her OP. She lost the tax credits because she got an inheritance and will presumably get rent for the second property now. It's because of the inheritance that she lost the tax credits.

Seems some people want OP's DP to pay half for a house she's made sure he will never have any claim over!

"whatever it costs to rent a room in a house share in your area would be fair."

Where I live that would be less than 500 including bills so OP'd have to give him money back.

OP wouldn't get back the extra £300 a month anyway if he moved out she'd be £500 a month worse off.

OP YABU he's getting royally ripped off.

He is taking the piss. He should be paying at least £400 a month more.

Tbh considering there are 6 people in the house and he is paying 1/3 of it I'd say he's overpaying.

Are the children's fathers paying maintenance? I don't think you can expect him to part support children that are not his, but also not allow him any claim on the property.

He's paying 1/3 of the total bills. The £800 you have lost is irrelevant since you say this would have ended anyway.

@Disfordarkchocolate

He is taking the piss. He should be paying at least £400 a month more.

Why should he pay £900 out of £1500, so over 60%?

I'm not sure why you think he should pay more than OP considering she has 4 children and owns 2 properties that he has no legal claim to.

@whatthehay I think why don't you do this. From 1st to last day ofd a month collect all the shopping bills. Then sit down together and add them up. Then add up all the utility, Tv, Internet etc. Then show him how much there is actually to pay.

500/month is for a room to live in. Not for your laundry to be done, cleaning to be done, cooking etc.

You are both adults, you are both about to be parents and babies are not exactly cheap.

Also what does he do with the rest of his income?

500 a month is plenty, as he's only paying for himself given OP already said she doesn't expect him to pay for her 4 other children. He has no claim on either house and has gone from a whole flat to himself, to sharing half a bedroom.
Unless the point of this post is that OP does actually want him to fund her children? If anyone should feel resentment, it's him

Split the household bills etc down the middle and then take a contribution like 200 a month for food (which is still a great deal!!) so he should be paying about £950 a month.

The OP lost over £800 in income when he moved in @ikus84.

@KilljoysDutch
He's not getting ripped off at all, he's paying less than he did before but getting all his meals cooked, all his laundry done, cleaning done and he gets to live in a lovely family home not in a damp shitty rented flat.

Perfectly happy to be told I'm unreasonable for feeling resentful he doesn't contribute more but he's not getting ripped off in the slightest.

@Disfordarkchocolate

The OP lost over £800 in income when he moved in *@ikus84*.

No, the OP lost £800 in tax credits as she purchased a secondary property which she rents out, if she hadn’t purchased the property it is likely her inheritance would have been significant enough that she could no longer claim tax credits.

@User50000999788887876655

Split the household bills etc down the middle and then take a contribution like 200 a month for food (which is still a great deal!!) so he should be paying about £950 a month.

So he actually should be paying for her kids in your opinion, even though she's made sure the house goes to her kids and not to him.

@Disfordarkchocolate

The OP lost over £800 in income when he moved in *@ikus84*.

But she said she would have lost that at the same time whether he moved in or not.

How. Much does he earn?
£500 if he is earning £1500 a month is one thing.
£500 if he is earning £5000 a month is another.
How much does he have left at the end of the month? What about you?