To ask for more money from DP

[whatthehay]

Back story:

DP moved in with me and my DC a year ago. He was renting a flat for £500pcm before this. We spoke about him moving in and he said he'd pay me the £500 rent. I agreed at the time but now I feel resentful and I don't know if AIBU.

I own my house and the mortgage is relatively small, I have 4 DC and obviously don't expect him to support them. I lost around £800 per month in tax credits when he moved in as I was no longer eligible. We are both self employed. I pay all the household bills, buy the food (cook the food) do the laundry/ housework, childcare etc. My monthly bills inc. utilities/mortgage/sky tv etc are £1500.

He does the dishwasher most nights and moans about the kids not helping around the house, if I asked him to hoover he would and he does any DIY that needs doing or fixes stuff when it breaks. He buys occasional shopping/wine/takeaways/meals out. He paid for some wood (around £300) for a project in the garden and spent a few days making it recently (I paid £2k for the rest of the project finished by a professional)

I know it's not his house and they are not his children but I feel like he's getting a really good deal for £500 a month. He paid that in rent but then paid food/utilities/council tax etc on top before he moved in. I am 20 weeks pregnant with his baby so my costs are going to go up. We have had a few conversations where I've said I'm supporting him but he maintains he pays his way/contributes.

AIBU to ask him for more?

@SimonJT

All this time I thought you were a man. Your name being Simon

You aren't unreasonable at all. You would be to add him to the mortgage for loft conversion and risk loosing it all when he has been clear with you! Also would've been silly to leave him the second house. Glad you've changed it to your kids.

He needs to give you more money to pay his way. £500 toilet roll money

They don’t have to, but why pick a man that doesn’t want to join up as a real family?

If it were one dc there would be more of a case for going all in together, but four? Also, going all in as a family has to be from both people - in keeping assets seperate, OP isn't offering that. It can't be he supports five dc while OP builds up her property portfolio.

Yabu.

Either he is a lodger who pays £500 "rent" and then pays his proportion of bills on top or he pays £500 as a 1/3 contribution to the £1500pm household expenses, which is fair considering that 5 people account for the other 2/3.

You can't have it both ways.

So your paying £1000. Out of £1500

You own the house. Plus you have 4 children to feed. He has none

You also own another house.....

I don't think it sounds fair to him!!

I thought you said you lost £800 in tax credits when he moved in?

But later you say you brought the other house after you ceased tax credits?

[quote Happyheartlovelife]@SimonJT

All this time I thought you were a man. Your name being Simon [/quote]
I am a man (my actual name obviously isn’t simon).

I can't see any man who would see your income go down, whilst he benefits from lower bills as anything other than deeply unpleasant.

This.

Please don't marry him, put him on the mortgage or deeds or in anyway further financially entangle yourself. He's effectively living off you and you're much poorer for it - as are your kids.

Your assets should be willed to your children. He cannot be relied upon to ensure that what he inherits will go to them. You must ensure that yourself.

But she's not "much poorer" @PicsInRed - she now owns two properties, and would (should?) have lost Tc anyway when she got a large inheritance and bought a second property to rent out! He is paying 1/3 of household bills despite only being 1/6 of that household. If posters think he should be integrating in to the family and paying more, then he should also be added to the assets properly. If the situation was reversed, nobody would be calling the woman a cocklodger (is there a female equivalent?), but they'd be advising her to get her name on the deeds and not pay a penny more than the minimum she could get away with! Such double standards 😢

He's effectively living off you and you're much poorer for it - as are your kids.

How is he living off her, when he is paying 1/3 of the total household expenses in a household of 6? She is only out of pocket because she has lost tax credits, not because he is living off her.

OP pays £1000/month for 5 people and has:
2 houses one of which she owns almost completely (as she says not much mortgage on it)
Rental income from 2nd property, presumably
Pension from her children's deceased father

OP's partner pays £500 per month for 1 person and has:
Nothing.

There isn't a single poster on MN who would defend this arrangement, if the sexes were the other way round.

You still haven't stayed what your and his monthly incomes are so it's impossible to really say if it's fair he pays more.

is there a female equivalent

Vagina recliner!

Not saying OP is one btw. I don't see any lodging or reclining in this situation.

Everything has gone up but you've chosen to have 4dc and another one ont the way most people can't afford large families. He should pay towards your child together but he shouldnt be contributing to youre dc it doesn't sound like youre struggling if you've got two properties. When he has no stalk in the household. I also agree if the sexes were resvered people would be telling the woman she shouldn't be paying towards her dp dc and if she was contributing fairly to the bills and payments on the mortgage then they should have a stake they would also tell her not to do childcare for children that aren't hers either.

SimonJT Depends what your standards are! I’d be very ashamed I’d my kids ever got the vibe that I’d chosen to live with a man who didn’t want to treat my family as his family. I’d rather be single. My kids mean too much to me. Plus I hate tightness in people. I love people who are super generous and enjoy spending money.

FFS don't put him in the house deeds and mortgage...utter madness. Why risk your financial stability...what you have with him anyway

So the other 4 children, does their father/s pay maintenance for them and if so how much?

The problem is that at a certain point were you to predecease him he will become homeless at a point 21 years ahead and he will not have had the opportunity to build up his own equity and pay off a property. It may be fairer for him to pay more but own a share in the rental property that would become his immediately on the event of your death.

@Goinghometocallie

SimonJT Depends what your standards are! I’d be very ashamed I’d my kids ever got the vibe that I’d chosen to live with a man who didn’t want to treat my family as his family. I’d rather be single. My kids mean too much to me. Plus I hate tightness in people. I love people who are super generous and enjoy spending money.

“ I love people who are super generous and enjoy spending money”

@SeasonFinale
You don't think 21 years is enough time to plan for the future while living mortgage free?

He's a grown man. He supported himself long before I met him. Why do I need give him my house just because we shacked up together. Taking the actual mortgage out of the equation he's still not paying even half the bills. What's stopping him buying his own property now and renting it out so he has a back up plan? He has plenty of disposable income, he's outgoings are £500 per month!

My children's father passed away. I'm not sure he would have liked me giving away half his house.

The DC are teenagers he doesn't need to parent them and isn't doing any childcare.

@whatthehay if your children are teenagers are they all still at school/education or do some of them have jobs and if so do they contribute? Have you had the discussion with your OH that you want him to pay towards your children? If this conversation was not had at the outset why should he now be paying half the bills when theres 5 others using the facilities too?! Its been said time and time again that if a woman was asking should she pay more to her OH who has 4 DC of his own she would be told not a chance.

To be honest it doesn't sound like you have an equal partnership and you hold a lot of resentment towards him. You need to speak directly to him ASAP before DC 5 arrives. He has equal responsibility and finanical responsibility to this child only. Not your other 4.

As an aside have you considered in your will if your assets will be split equally between all 5, or will you ring-fence the assets from your late husband for the first 4, as they will only have you to inherit from not two parents as DC5 has. You've a whole can of worms to deal with treating all 5 equally, whilst taking into account their different positions and family links. The joy of blended families.

I'm still not understanding why he should be paying anything like half the bills?
He is one person in a group of five.
I understand that you don't want to give your dc's assets to him but it isn't reasonable to expect him to cover their costs either.
He should be funding his dc 50/50 and supporting you with running the house ( your dc should also be helping with housework)

It doesn’t matter what’s fair-£500 all in is taking the piss. He couldn’t live elsewhere for that. He does NOT pay his way.

@Goinghometocallie

SimonJT Depends what your standards are! I’d be very ashamed I’d my kids ever got the vibe that I’d chosen to live with a man who didn’t want to treat my family as his family. I’d rather be single. My kids mean too much to me. Plus I hate tightness in people. I love people who are super generous and enjoy spending money.

My standards are providing for my child myself, rather than expecting someone else to do it for me. Some people may be comfortable offloading their parenting responsibilities onto other people.

Think the resentment which you feel towards him will only grow..if he's not willing to pay more what will you do

I'm not sure that having a dc with someone you are "shacked up with" but don't want to pool your assets with is a grand plan.

You sound resentful and it sounds as though your DP is resentful as well.

It doesn't seem reasonable to expect your life partner to pay towards the accommodation but never get on the deeds. I can see how this situation has arisen but given you are in the accommodation with or without him dropping rent as an idea might be sensible.

Moving forward you could sit together and work out all the family costs, he should be paying his share plus 50% of baby's costs. He shouldn't be covering your other dc's costs. How much would that be month?

Otherwise you pool your assets and costs with the obvious risks to your dc of them losing assets if you split in the future.

Or you split, he goes back to a flat share and his own living costs and pays maintenance for his dc.

@doodleygirl

Why would you move someone in knowing you were losing so much money and he wasnt going to make it up?

And then have his kid? 🤔🤔🤔