To think that children wouldn’t actually prefer happy parents living separately

[talesfrommyancestors]

I actually would like to be proved wrong here so it’s not a provocative title, but I do think it’s something of a myth that children would like their parents to divorce and to live apart.

My own experience is that when this happens parents move on to new relationships quite quickly and this is confusing and difficult for children. Then obviously there’s financial considerations and practicalities (living in two homes.)

I’m obviously not talking about relationships that must end because of abuse but the sort of gone stale relationships where parents are urged to split because the children will want it.

Tinysleepthief It’s exactly what happened to a few friends parents and none of them retrospectively assessed their upbringing to be an unhappy lie. One was just pissed off they were selling the house as she’d set her heart on inheriting it! They all had their own lives and just weren’t that bothered.

But it would only be a lie if you had stayed together for their sakes. I think a lot of people stay together for their own sakes as much as the kids. More practical with the house and childcare etc. So I could honestly say no to that question.

Tinysleepthief It’s exactly what happened to a few friends parents and none of them retrospectively assessed their upbringing to be an unhappy lie.

Which is fine and that's their experiences. Those of my friends and several posters on this thread have had a different experience. Neither is right or wrong but it would be foolish to think some adults didn't find it unsettling and question whether they had stayed together because of them and if so how long they had been keeping the charade for.

Interesting replies here.

I’m asking for no other reason than a couple of threads in relationships. I mentioned the ‘passion’ side of things because I’ve never felt the need to be overly demonstrative with any partner. For example, at the moment I am sleeping in a different bed to my husband because his snoring is really something else. It isn’t a lack of love at all but if I carried on I’d be dead within five years from the aftermath of sleep deprivation.

My parents had an extremely loving and respectful relationship that just didn’t happen to involve constant hand holding and cuddling. Probably because they were always doing that to my sister or I My mum then died and my dad did have new partners who insisted on this. I can remember being about 14 and having to traipse behind dad and one girlfriend who held his hand and there wasn’t room for everybody walking this way so that was that.
Again I’m not saying there’s anything inherently wrong with this - but I don’t think children will be damaged from it. As an aside I did have to gently talk to my husband about this in the early days of our relationship as I didn’t feel loved by it I felt stifled. Everyone is different.

I do think it’s normal for passion to wear out and be replaced by mutual respect and affection. And I don’t see that as a bad thing.

I don't know, I can only speak from my own experience. My parents split when I was 10/11 and to be totally honest it was so much more relaxing when they were apart.

I could start having fun again with them without their being tension. There were no arguments or snide remarks.

It's not easy to pretend to be happy with someone and I think some people are kidding themselves if they think their children don't notice that it's an act. In my experience, my parents couldn't have a properly good, fun or happy time with me because they weren't feeling good, fun or happy.

I felt much more at ease and able to enjoy my time with them when they divorced. I am also one of the lucky ones that later on gained some lovely step parents. Although I appreciate some people rush this far too often.

Without there being tension**

I’m always surprised by people with children who divorce because the “spark has gone” or because they are “just good friends living together”. Passion isn’t a prerequisite to a successful marriage and friendship is a perfectly good basis for raising children together.

If people are actually fighting to sniping at one another, I do think kids are better off with separate households.

And that sounds great for you. But you also sounded quite judgemental of couples who were still interested in being physically demonstrative and affectionate. What suits you isn't going to necessarily be a great fit for someone else.

@talesfrommyancestors I don't think it is normal for displays of affection to die out. My great grandad died recently. Him and my great nana had been married over 70 years. They still used to give each other a kiss on the cheek and hold hands when out. It was lovely. She was he one who advised me and ex dp to seperate as she always maintained happy parents meant happy children. My kids love their step parents.

talesfrommyancestors sometimes passion wears out into mutual respect and affection. Sometimes it wears out into contempt, resentment and a feeling of being trapped.

Each case is different. For some people the feeling that your marriage has turned into a comfy old armchair will be reassuring. For others it’s the seventh circle of hell. It isn’t wrong to decide that’s not how you want to spend the rest of your life.

I think a big part of the problem is the still prevalent expectation that a marriage is “for life”, in the face of evidence to the contrary.

So much of the bitterness of the breakdown of a marriage comes from one or both partners feeling cheated of something they expected to last longer.

None of this helps children immediately but I do wonder whether if society grew up a bit about marriage and lost the Disney narrative it might be easier for everyone to come to terms with.

What if splitting up means both parents stay unhappy?. I would go in an instant if my ex would agree to an amicable separation and if I had enough money to raise the kids by myself. But I would be poor as piss, stressed by lack of money, and quickly become very socially isolated, which would make me miserable as hell. I do work but I earn very little. And most importantly, their Dad would lose the plot and not keep himself together for the sake of the kids.

We do ok together -can get along - we both get advantages from staying together (though I lose most as I would like another relationship) but if we split I think we would both be unhappy and I don't see that being better for us or the kids.

It's not always an easy decision. Sometimes its a choice between crap or crapper.

@Purpleartichoke

I’m always surprised by people with children who divorce because the “spark has gone” or because they are “just good friends living together”. Passion isn’t a prerequisite to a successful marriage and friendship is a perfectly good basis for raising children together.

If people are actually fighting to sniping at one another, I do think kids are better off with separate households.

I can understand though how this could make someone feel low over time and I do think no matter how hard you try, it's difficult to pretend when you feel low.

If you're someone who wants passion and affection in your life it must be difficult to continue living without that for so long. I'd imagine it would be hard to keep up the charade without it surfacing at some point in low mood or fights.

Do I, Tappering? Where? I think all I’ve said or tried to communicate is that I don’t think children are remotely damaged by (say) having one parent in the armchair and the other on the sofa if they are chatting happily. It doesn’t signify a lack of passion, although I don’t know how many couples with young kids have that passion - too exhausted!

My parents split when i was 15 and by the time they did it was a relief. I honestly wish it'd happened 2 years earlier. No abuse, no affairs or anything like that but the atmosphere was awful. Lots of upheaval when thet did split of course, and moving to a much smaller house was hard at first. The peace made up for it though.

I disagree. Life was so much easier when my dad moved out. He's a difficult person generally (NPD) so the house was just stressful when he was in it.

I think it's dependant on too many factors to say in general either way to be honest. What one child finds easy in their particular situation with their particular parents, another will not.

I couldn't judge anyone either way to be honest. There is just too much room for differences in everyone's circumstances.

My parents didn’t argue and from a completely selfish point of view it would have been way better if they had just stayed together for the children. It’s such a hassle living in two places. So much so both myself and my sister ended up living with just one parent (different ones).
However they were much happier so it was the right thing to do.

My parents never held hands or cuddled or kissed. I personally find that irritating and smothering and I wouldn’t want to do it in front of children. Fair enough teens in their first relationship but men and women in their forties?

As I say, fine for you, but you seem to have this weird view that a couple holding hands is only appropriate for teenagers! Is it really so difficult to comprehend that other people might have successful long-term relationships which do involve being physical demonstrative? And that being demonstrative doesn't mean one extreme of constantly touching each other?

My little boy has just turned 4 and for the past 12 months has been asking me to move back with his Dad. I divorced and left because of physical violence. It was very heart breaking knowing he felt like
I’d taken him away from his Dad and home.

The thing is that as his Mum it’s my job to make decisions that are best for him. He can’t know what life would be like if we stayed but I would. He can’t weigh up the risks and likelihood of his Dad endangering us but I can.

He loves seeing us hug goodbye and get along. I would live him to have a happy family and yeh it would be better.

Even without abuse, you have to think about bigger picture.

Ultimately I think modelling for your child how to be in charge of their happiness is more important. Also, how life isn’t perfect and relationships and sad things happen, but we can adapt and find happiness in the imperfect and different ways.

I do think that diplomatic family meet ups with divorced parents and peace is important though.

Mine split up in my late teens bu they had never been together that I can remember. Seperate bedrooms/parts of the house. God what a relief when they split finally up. Both much happier. There were not huge arguments or abuse but there was a sadness about the place which affected me quite deeply. My mum died a couple of years later and I feel sad she didn't get more time for happiness. I wish they had split up much earlier.

Oh ginger you absolutely must keep away from that horrible man, you know you did the right thing. I hope life gets easier for you

Tappering no intention of sounding judgey, as I said we are all different. I just wouldn’t personally use physical affection especially PDAs which I will admit I hate, sorry! as a mark of a great relationship.

I was much happier when mine divorced!

They separated when I was 12 after a miserable few years and then just as we were getting the hang of it they got back together within the year. Then split for good when I was almost 18 (DB younger).
The bit from 10 to 17ish was hideous.

It was much better when they were apart.

@Purpleartichoke

I’m always surprised by people with children who divorce because the “spark has gone” or because they are “just good friends living together”. Passion isn’t a prerequisite to a successful marriage and friendship is a perfectly good basis for raising children together.

If people are actually fighting to sniping at one another, I do think kids are better off with separate households.

But that's assuming both partners are happy being “just good friends living together”. And quite often, one partner will want more. Passion, or lack of, is a big dealbreaker for many, many people. You've only got to see the endless threads on here about that.

And it's possible to be good friends and raise kids from separate households.

But I'm not saying that physical affection is the mark of a great relationship. I'm saying that some people enjoy being affectionate with each other, yet you seem to think that it's something that people should grow out of once they have gone past their teens. Again, it seems like a really narrow view of the world - almost as if it's impossible for you to believe that other people enjoy something that you don't.

It's fine if you aren't demonstrative and you have a strong relationship. But someone else might need physical affection to feel happy.

@talesfrommyancestors

Oh ginger you absolutely must keep away from that horrible man, you know you did the right thing. I hope life gets easier for you

Tappering no intention of sounding judgey, as I said we are all different. I just wouldn’t personally use physical affection especially PDAs which I will admit I hate, sorry! as a mark of a great relationship.

This is a bit of a digression but I do think your perspective on PDAs is quite unusual and slightly unhealthy tbh. You're saying you "hate" the expression of physical relationship as a "mark of a great relationship". That's quite a strong reaction to something which is a) biologically determined and b) actually pretty healthy. As long as it doesn't tip over into explicitly sexual behaviour I see nothing whatsoever wrong with two people who love each other allowing their children to see this physically manifested. Its almost as if you think its healthier for a couple who have children not to be attracted to one another.

It's one thing to argue that not having a great sex life shouldn't be enough to end a marriage. Its quite another to argue that its an actively bad thing in a marriage, which is what you seem to be implying. And I am guessing that this has coloured your perspective on this somewhat.

Obviously I'm sure children would prefer it if their parents stayed together but were perfectly happy and amicable in each other's company, but that rarely happens and parents shouldn't be forced to live that way just to maintain the status quo. This advice is generally intended for people who are miserable with their OH.