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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that children wouldn’t actually prefer happy parents living separately

302 replies

talesfrommyancestors · 27/07/2020 13:05

I actually would like to be proved wrong here so it’s not a provocative title, but I do think it’s something of a myth that children would like their parents to divorce and to live apart.

My own experience is that when this happens parents move on to new relationships quite quickly and this is confusing and difficult for children. Then obviously there’s financial considerations and practicalities (living in two homes.)

I’m obviously not talking about relationships that must end because of abuse but the sort of gone stale relationships where parents are urged to split because the children will want it.

OP posts:
Username6345789 · 27/07/2020 19:05

‘ Staying together for the children’ is an awful lot to put on a child IMO. A close friend’s parents stayed together ‘for her’ then announced they were separating when she left home for uni. She was relieved they split as she knew they had both been unhappy for years but also felt incredibly guilty that they had stayed in an unhappy marriage to apparently benefit her.

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 27/07/2020 19:05

I think people completely underestimate how much children are aware of parents not being happy together.

I think people are scared of change and stay together out of fear rather than for the sake of the children. Children are far more resilient than people assume.

welcometohell · 27/07/2020 19:55

In my experience (have worked with kids my whole adult life) it's not the parental separation itself that is detrimental to children but the subsequent 'blending' of families. I have lost count of the times a parent has told me how much their DC "loves" their DP, that they get on brilliantly and they're so thrilled they've moved in, that they love their new step-siblings etc only for the child to tell me in private that the situation is utterly miserable for them.

thepeopleversuswork · 27/07/2020 19:59

@welcometohell

In my experience (have worked with kids my whole adult life) it's not the parental separation itself that is detrimental to children but the subsequent 'blending' of families. I have lost count of the times a parent has told me how much their DC "loves" their DP, that they get on brilliantly and they're so thrilled they've moved in, that they love their new step-siblings etc only for the child to tell me in private that the situation is utterly miserable for them.
I would agree with that. I think an amicable separation is something children usually take in their stride. Blended families and new partners are much much harder to take and this should not be undertaken lightly and not without a very very long lead-in.
morefun · 27/07/2020 20:02

When my ex and I first split, our DD had just turned 3 years old. She wanted us to get back together and would ask me often about it.

Now she is 9 and does not want us back together because she would "have to live with dad all the time".

So, I don't know. I suppose it depends on the child, the parents, and the relationship the child has with the each parent...

LoafingLiz · 27/07/2020 20:13

I actually would like to be proved wrong here so it’s not a provocative title, but I do think it’s something of a myth that children would like their parents to divorce and to live apart

Me and my siblings divorced our parents.

They'd stayed together for the children.
We had years of them arguing. We wanted them to find happiness before it was too late for them. They would never have separated without us intervening.
When I was 16 we sat them down and told them we wanted them to divorce.

They were a bit bemused but my DM took the bull by the horns and went to a solicitor.
My DM has never met anyone else, she was quite happy to be just a mum in her early 40s which is quite sad.

They still see eachother all the time, he goes round for a cuppa, they still argue😂

LoafingLiz · 27/07/2020 20:15

Oh and DF met someone eventually. No kids, no blended families.

But such a waste of all those years they could have been happier, instead of 'staying for the children'.

KangarooIsland · 27/07/2020 20:15

Going against the grain here but as a child I knew my parents were unhappy but I was glad they stayed together. As an adult, I can see they were both unhappy, so I feel awful for saying it, but it was better for me and my sibling that we were all together in the same house, rather than us going back and forth between different houses, not to mention the upheaval that potential step-parents would have brought. Selfishly, I’m happy we were together, even with the ups and downs. I would have worried myself into oblivion if not (I was a highly anxious child).
So I agree with you OP. I also agree that when it comes to things like abuse, of course it’s better that the parents do split.

KangarooIsland · 27/07/2020 20:17

Also - my Dad has since passed away and my Mum has found happiness with a lovely man, who I am very fond of.

SarahBellam · 27/07/2020 20:21

I split with my ex after he came out as gay. We’d been bumbling along as flat mates, but unhappy in different ways. We get along extremely well now, and love each other as best friends. We both have new partners, We live within a mile of each other, he sees the kids every day and they stay at his 2-3 nights a week. The kids joke about having three dads. If anything he’s a much better father than he was when we lived together - he’s stepped up and does their dental appointments and parents nights and things like that - things he never did when we were together. He has also been generous financially. We haven’t had to move house or schools and the kids still do all their same clubs and activities. In truth, I think that once they realised their lives wouldn’t actually change very much they just fully got on with it. So, in answer to your question, it depends on the situation. I’m happier, he’s happier, and the kids have probably barely noticed it. Certainly, they’ve never asked about the possibility of us getting back together.

Chesneyhawkes1 · 27/07/2020 20:29

I was so pleased when my Mum finally kicked me Dad out. I was 13 and the house went from being a tense place where everyone walked on egg shells, to a happy home 😊

Watermelontea · 27/07/2020 20:30

Honestly, I wished for many years that my parents would break up for good, mostly as I feel splitting up would have done my dad a world of good.
My mother is really quite horrible to him, drinks far too much, and has cheated on him a few times. It makes me sad that he couldn’t get more from life, but I understand he likely stood by her for my brother and I to have a more stable home - he grew up raised by his grandparents so always wanted a loving family unit for his children. And he’s still with her now I imagine as she has mellowed a bit, he had always loved her, and likely somewhat down to complacency.
It isn’t a normal relationship which has just gone a bit stale though like others have said, it is emotionally and verbally abusive.

It’s do think that if they had split, my mum would have flitted from man-to-man, as she seems to have quite low self-esteem and need the reassurance that she is attractive. That may have had a detrimental affect on us, but I can’t say that the arguing and fighting didn’t leave scars.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 27/07/2020 20:32

My parents were together for a long time "for the children". It was hell. My siblings and I were over the moon when they split. We were happy our parents could now be happy. And the guilt we felt to know they put themselves through staying together for us was immense. My sister actually cried tears of joy and relief when they told us.

Bourbonbiccy · 27/07/2020 20:42

There are so many different situations it really is hard to say.

I think if the kids "believe" the parents to be happy then they will probably be sad if they split.

Most the time the kids are up to speed with what is happening, even when the parents think they are hiding it. So if the parents are unhappy the kids probably know and are happy once the parents split.

I also think some people are just using at as a cop out as they are too scared of the Unknown to leave.

ethelredonagoodday · 27/07/2020 21:03

I think it very much depends on the family circumstances. Two couples who we are very close friends with are pretty unhappy in long term marriages, and are very much putting a brave face on it, and staying together for the kids. In both cases, the children (primary age) are struggling with pretty bad anxiety, and in one case so is the wife in the relationship. In both cases the children's anxiety is put down to 'other things', but as an outsider looking in, it seems fairly obvious that it's probably down to the parents' relationships. In both cases, on paper the families look utterly perfect, and keep up the facade. Also in both cases there is a definite ostrich syndrome of them sticking their heads in the sand and not wanting to cause upheaval, both for the kids, their own parents and their wider circle of friends etc. Whilst we had noticed tension and coldness between them, we only became aware of how bad things were because one party in each case confided in us. I think it's sad really. And I don’t think in the longer term the kids will thank them for it.

My own parents divorced when I was 9. It was shite at times, and the ramifications of it are still felt occasionally even now, 30 odd years later, BUT despite all this, I still think on balance it was better than them stopping together.

Littlemissdaredevil · 27/07/2020 21:04

My brother and I wishes my parents would have split up. Instead my mum stayed with my dad as divorce would ‘damage’ us. Instead we were stuck living in house with frequent rows sometimes lasting days and the police were often called but my mum wouldn’t ever let the police do anything for everyone. We were constantly walking on eggshells and never dared have friends round. If they had split up we wouldn’t have had a pot to piss in as my mums income was so low (this was before nmw). However, my dad drank a lot and ran up debts buying lots of stuff for himself we were always struggling for cash anyway

Uraflutteringcunt · 27/07/2020 21:08

Every single person I know who has divorced recently has had someone on the side ready to go straight in to a full blown relationship with. Tbh I’m shocked at some of the behaviour I’ve seen from my friends since we hit 35.

Most break ups in my experience don’t consider the children. Happy mum = happy children is the go to response.

nevisbump · 27/07/2020 21:10

Mine split when I was 16 and I was always under the impression they would get back together as they remained good friends (never did). I wish they had split sooner as looking back over childhood, holidays we always waited for the MASSIVE arguement that would happen at least once and dad moving out every 6 months or so cause they had fallen out. They both said they stayed together for the kids but I actually think they did it for themselves

whichteaareyou · 27/07/2020 21:11

I cried with relief when my mum said her and my dad were divorcing. The tension was unbearable. He's a horrible man

IamPickleRick · 27/07/2020 21:12

My parents split when I was 9 and it was not a horrific experience. In fact the awful things that happened to me later make me completely forget any emotions I had about the divorce, I don’t remember it being particularly upsetting. I also knew my parents still loved each other deeply but just couldn’t get on.

PinkyBrain · 27/07/2020 21:13

My parents were terrible together and had an awful, toxic, abusive relationship but I still didn’t want them to split up and blamed my mother terribly. I also really resented having to share a house with step parents and sibling and don’t have a close relationship with either of them now. When you’re a child you can’t see the wood from the trees, as an adult I see all the reasons they needed to separate but that doesn’t take away from it being very hurtful at the time.

cravingthelook · 27/07/2020 21:16

My DD is so much happier not sitting in the utility room listening to her DF scream at her useless DM ... even if she does at times wish we could all live together

dinkydonky · 27/07/2020 21:18

My parents divorced when I was an adult, they had been having problems for years. I had absolutely no idea. It totally floored me, but I'm eternally grateful they stayed together as long as they did. My life would have been so much poorer for not seeing them both every day, they were both very involved parents.

LoafingLiz · 27/07/2020 21:18

@Bourbonbiccy

There are so many different situations it really is hard to say.

I think if the kids "believe" the parents to be happy then they will probably be sad if they split.

Most the time the kids are up to speed with what is happening, even when the parents think they are hiding it. So if the parents are unhappy the kids probably know and are happy once the parents split.

I also think some people are just using at as a cop out as they are too scared of the Unknown to leave.

Totally agree with this.
Toastyapples · 27/07/2020 21:18

I think people do massively underestimate the negative impact that parents separating has on their children. That's not to say that there really is a good option as clearly living in a loveless realtionship is not amazing for anyone's mental health and so therefore they're not going to be in the best possible mindset to parent. So it's a bit of a catch 22. But I've worked with many children whose parents have separated and it saddens me how difficult these children do find the whole situation, even when the separation appears relatively amicable.