To think that children wouldn’t actually prefer happy parents living separately

[talesfrommyancestors]

I actually would like to be proved wrong here so it’s not a provocative title, but I do think it’s something of a myth that children would like their parents to divorce and to live apart.

My own experience is that when this happens parents move on to new relationships quite quickly and this is confusing and difficult for children. Then obviously there’s financial considerations and practicalities (living in two homes.)

I’m obviously not talking about relationships that must end because of abuse but the sort of gone stale relationships where parents are urged to split because the children will want it.

I would agree though that the introduction of new partners has to be done very carefully and sensitively. Most people I know who have grown up in separated households, were happiest when their Mum or Dad's new partner didn't move in.

@disconnecteddrifter

My relationship was tense I used to get so frustrated I would regularly cry. I moved out when mine were 8 and 10 and have them 4 nights a week. They stay with their dad 3 nights. I asked them just now ans they said they would rather we were living together despite the tension and arguments because they could see either of us whenever they wanted.

Although that’s what they said, do you think that would actually have been best For them? I mean they might think of you both being together through rose tinted glasses (picturing family film nights etc), Rather than what the reality might have been?

@rosiejaune

You're conflating two issues. They could split up and still not rush into new relationships.

Yes I agree with this. Maybe it’s less about the split itself and more about how things like contact, parental disagreement and new partners are managed.

How do you explain to someone you're supposed to love above all else that the sole reason you have stayed in a loveless relationship is because of them? How do you think that would make them feel, knowing that they are the reason Mum and Dad looked unhappy? Why would anybody want to burden their child with that guilt and hurt, knowing that their "happy childhood" was a lie?

Just because some kids want the parents to be living together, that doesn't mean it's in their best interests.

I think if you get to the stage of divorce it needs to be done weather you have kids or not. It’s not really about what the kids prefer is it? It’s about what’s best for everybody. There’s no point living in a family home but behind closed door both parents are very miserable.

I’m split from my exH almost 5 years. DCs were 12, 8 and 4.

A couple of years ago my son said he hoped we’d never get back together. It broke my heart because he’s a perceptive child but it also shows that ending the marriage was probably the right thing to do.

I still feel guilty, that their father is an asshole, that I swallow everything possible in order to facilitate their relationship with him. That he thought so little of me that he couldn’t be bothered putting the work in.

I regret my parents setting such a bad example, they argue and bicker and seem to dislike each other to this day. I’ve suffered for it, as has my sister who left home at 18 never to return and my brother who married at 22.

I made the decision to end the marriage and try to reduce the toxicity FOR my children and me. I’ve paid a very very heavy price financially & psychologically. Better that than my kids going through it.
I’m their hero and I don’t care what the stats say.

How do you explain to someone you're supposed to love above all else that the sole reason you have stayed in a loveless relationship is because of them?

My question would not be how do you explain it but why do you explain it? Why would you say anything like that to anyone, even if it was true?

The better to have 2 happy parents apart thing does assume that the parents are actually happier apart.

In my experience this isn't always the case. Especially in cases where one partner has been dumped for a newer model. But it's ok, the cheater can comfort themselves that making themselves happy will automatically be best for the children.

Tappering....again it depends on the people involved. Some people wouldnt be happy with hanging on till children are older, some would. Some people are more happy to put up with a sexless marriage than others. Everyones different.

That’s so sad for them. I do find it strange they’d automatically assume it was all a lie tho. I’d always assume that parents enjoyed doing things with their kids like holidays, Christmas etc, the fact they weren’t in love with the other parent doesn’t change the happiness they feel when doing things with their children. Were the parents really acting with each other too? Were they pretending to be in love or just getting on with their lives and rubbing along well?

I think form what they've told me it was the deceit that they lied about something so big they could never quite be sure whether on occasions like family holidays or days out were they still acting to show how good a time they were having ot whether they were actually enjoying the day together as a family. Its hard to work out in retrospect what is real when you learn your parents lied about something so fundamental.

Also when the parents split up why would they say they’d been miserable for years? Why not just say they’ve only recently fallen out of love etc? Why tell them that?

It's hardly rocket science to see that they stayed for the kids. The likelyhood of falling out of love once the kids move out and you have time to actually focus on being at couple again is quite small. Surely it wouldn't take a genius to put 2 and 2 together.

@aufaitaccompli my parents sound similar. They are getting close to having been married for 50 years and they rave about it often. How they are though....it’s no accomplishment to have stayed in a relationship like that for so long.

Oh and he has a partner and I don’t.
Which generally adds to the feeling of abject failure in general.

He’s happier with her (for now) and will act the great dad for as long as it suits him. Unfortunately my feelings don’t come into it.

I think when people say 'don't stay together for the children' it applies to situations where there is tension between the two parents, maybe arguments, that the children experience. In which case, after the initial shock, parents living apart without this tension and the arguments is generally better for the children.

However, in terms of loveless marriages where the parents are friends and amicable and the problem is that the romantic aspect has gone, I'm not sure. The children probably would be happier with them under the same roof if there's none of the tension. It depends on whether you think the parents should sacrifice their chance for a romantic relationship for a platonic one so that their children will be happy.

Tappering....again it depends on the people involved. Some people wouldnt be happy with hanging on till children are older, some would. Some people are more happy to put up with a sexless marriage than others. Everyones different.

But that's exactly my point. However you are saying that it's better to try and stay together for the children - so how does that work if you are unhappy in a relationship with someone who is otherwise fine, but not suited to you anymore?

The likelyhood of falling out of love once the kids move out and you have time to actually focus on being at couple again is quite small.

I thought it was quite common really. You now have more time to spend together and realise you no longer have a connection. I’d totally buy that.

I think in future generations it will be very normal and healthy to co-parent with someone you are not romantically involved in (perhaps never have been) and everyone will be fine with it.
In my experience it seems to be almost pot luck whether or not you can develop deep and abiding affection and common understanding with someone who you once had the hots for, so why pretend otherwise?

My question would not be how do you explain it but why do you explain it? Why would you say anything like that to anyone, even if it was true

So if you're asked the question "why did you and dad split up after I'd left home, why not before?" What do you answer? *

• The question was asked by my Goddaughter to her parents when they spilt up 6 months after Goddaughter left for uni...imagine how she felt once she'd realised they'd only stayed together because of her. She doesn't speak to either of them now as she cannot forgive them for the lies they told her as she was growing up.

Many kids would prefer it given the choice. But that doesn't mean it's the best thing for them.

You could remain in a relationship and keep it amicable.

You cant fake, warmth, loving and cherishing of each other, comforting, belly laughs.

I'm not suggesting jumping into a new relationship. But i think ideally you model these sort of behaviours to your children. Not cool and businesslike.

@blosstree

I think when people say 'don't stay together for the children' it applies to situations where there is tension between the two parents, maybe arguments, that the children experience. In which case, after the initial shock, parents living apart without this tension and the arguments is generally better for the children.

However, in terms of loveless marriages where the parents are friends and amicable and the problem is that the romantic aspect has gone, I'm not sure. The children probably would be happier with them under the same roof if there's none of the tension. It depends on whether you think the parents should sacrifice their chance for a romantic relationship for a platonic one so that their children will be happy.

I don't think people should sacrifice their chance for a romantic relationship for the kids.

You are with your DC for a shorter length of time than afterwards, when your DC have grown up and left to make their own lives. You can still co-parent effectively when separated and have happy children. And even if you separate after the children have grown, it can still cause damage, as some posters on here have said.

Sex and other forms of intimate physical contact such as hugs and kissing are actually an important part of relationships. Even with the best will in the world, there will be some tension arising at some point if these are lacking. And with children forming their knowledge of relationships from observing their parents' relationship, you are still modelling a poor relationship to those children.

So if you're asked the question "why did you and dad split up after I'd left home, why not before?" What do you answer?

We had more time to spend together and realised that while we will always be fond of each other, we both wanted different things.

Good point @Toptoe. I’d prefer to think I’ve been massively unlucky than to think everyone else has it sorted, if I’m honest.
Otherwise I’m just gonna continue to hide my ‘failures and inadequacies‘ as I see them, until it’s too late.
I’ve done counselling, therapy, mediation, a ton of reflection and coaching. Ive moves on emotionally and practically but I’m still a bit stuck with the forgiveness bit.

What you’ve written is very helpful to someone like me, so thank you 🙏

It's hardly rocket science to see that they stayed for the kids. The likelyhood of falling out of love once the kids move out and you have time to actually focus on being at couple again is quite small.

I'm with MrsKoala I think it likely and fairly common.

Kids keep you busy they are time sinks - and a common uniting interest - when they are adults living their own lives that day to day common interest is gone and the distraction that there are problems is gone. Plus over the time they've grown up you may well have changed as people- interests attitudes to life even personalities can shift over decades.

Not everyone leaves - I think it also commonish to live very seperate lives but remain under the same roof.

I thought it was quite common really. You now have more time to spend together and realise you no longer have a connection. I’d totally buy that.

Chances are they would nod their head and not believe a word of it, they wont be daft they will have see the signs no matter how subtle. Plus it's yet another lie. If they then asked if you'd stayed together for their sakes would you lie again? It's just lie upon lie upon lie...

Honestly the more you lie the less they will think of you when they eventually learn the truth. In these situations it will always come out at some point no matter how much you try and lie to cover it up.

Think of it this way:

Scenario 1: parents are just co-existing - not actively happily married - but not massively unhappy and don't argue a lot.
Yes kids probably would be better with them staying together in an ideal world.
Scenario 2: parents argue a LOT. Children find this unsettling and stressful. Kids might well be better off in two calmer households, even taking account of the other downsides.

It's really hard to generalise though - depends what those other downsides are and how acute they are. Does one of their parents meet a lovely new partner who cares for the step-children or does he/ she move away and not see them anymore as he/she is preoccupied with his/ her new life, for example.

My parents argued like cat and dog - every single night, dad would storm out, they'd screaming at each other but despite this they stayed together because they also adored each other in between. I hated it. Really hated it. The conflict was so unsettling. Imagine trying to sleep or do your homework with that going on?

It made me run into the arms of the first very calm (read 'totally devoid of emotion') man I could find to marry. No longer married to him because he was totally robotic. I'm also too conflict-averse because I feel so uncomfortable arguing.