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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you don’t assume you’re invited to dinner?

240 replies

Sexnotgender · 27/07/2020 12:26

Totally prepared to be told IBU.

Husband invited mutual friends over yesterday afternoon, NO mention of dinner. Just a casual hey would be great to catch up invite. Arranged for 2pm, had a lovely afternoon, I baked and we had tea while the toddlers played. All delightful so far.

I nipped inside to change a nappy and my husband text me - I think they think they’re staying for dinner?!

PANIC!! The dinner I had planned for us was odds and ends from the fridge that needed used up.

Then the husband goes and gets a board game from the car😂 I was exempt I was frantically trying to conjure up some kind of effort for dinner whilst not looking like I’d been caught unawares.

Don’t get me wrong, lovely people but ruined my chilled Sunday plans.

OP posts:
Lolapusht · 27/07/2020 16:01

Being invited at 2pm means no lunch, probably coffee/tea with biscuits/cake/pancakes (Grin) then leaving after a couple of hours, maybe by 5pm so your hosts have time to make dinner, especially if children are involved. And who on EARTH takes Lord of the Rings RISK to play at someone else’s house without having agreed that in advance as some part of a games afternoon? Totally barmy! As a guest, if you’re not sure what’s involved then just ask Hmm

MyPersona · 27/07/2020 16:11

@Lindtballsrock

Is it only me who would be a bit flummoxed to visit a friend at 2pm and be presented with pancakes? I mean, I like pancakes and happily have them for breakfast or incorporated into a meal but as a stand alone snack with biscuits...I’ve never seen that ever!
Not only you, I was just thinking exactly the same. If I invited people over for Sunday afternoon I’d make a cake, or scones.
UmmH · 27/07/2020 16:17

The culture of politeness only fails when it is not reciprocally understood. I hate having to be direct about certain things because it invariably does cause offence if the other people have failed to pick up on my cues. Being upfront doesn't work in every situation.

As to the OP's issue, I suppose it varies around the country but growing up Sunday dinner was a daytime thing, from 1pm onwards and my mum would have cooked a roast and so would our family friends. Not me though! I don't really follow those traditions as I'm not a very routine sort of person, so I would specify.

If I were invited for 2pm on any other day I'd eat first and assume dinner wasn't being provided. If I got up to leave and the host said 'No, you can't leave before dinner!' then I'd very happily sit down again Grin

I'm sure OP's guests didn't mean to be awkward, and well done OP for puling it off!

Proudboomer · 27/07/2020 16:17

If I was invited at 2 on a Sunday I would think i would be getting lunch around 3 so it would all depend on the individuals involved as it seems there is a difference to what would be expected depending on what their experiences are.

The whole thing was caused by your husband not communicating what they were invited to.

Veganfortheanimals · 27/07/2020 16:21

I would not assume a meal unless stated ,
I wonder if your dh did invite them for dinner ,but knew you wouldn’t like it ,so didn’t admit to it

mrsBtheparker · 27/07/2020 16:28

Yes I know risk is an incredibly long game.

Be glad it wasn't Diplomacy, that can last longer than WW1!

Goongoon · 27/07/2020 16:31

If I ever feel like they think they’re staying for dinner, I just drop into conversation “we’ll have to have you round for dinner sometime” - it should send a message without having to either say ‘eff off home’ or cobble something together.

SausageCrush · 27/07/2020 16:37

I just think they're CF's and strongly suggest you contact them in a few weeks (months?) and see if they issue an overdue return invitation.

Heismyopendoor · 27/07/2020 16:50

Hopefully they just got wires crossed and aren’t CF!

2pm to me would mean come over after you’ve had your lunch and leave before dinner! I quite often have friends and kids over at that time or if we are having lunch together I would say come at 11.30 with the kids and I’ll do lunch.

I know you’ve told your DH to be clearer in future. Just saying come at 2pm and I’ll do some nibbles and we can have a catch up For a bit, makes it very clear you are not providing a meal and they should leave before dinner time. If I invite people for dinner I would usually say the word dinner :) my friend and her DH invited us over to hers (pre lockdown!) for nibbles and board games at 7.30. That made it clear to me that we should eat beforehand and she will provide nibbles and drinks. I also brought things too.

I can maybe see how someone could think being invited over at 2pm on a Sunday and Possibly thinking it was Sunday lunch. But surely once the pancakes and cookies came out it would be clear that lunch isn’t happening?

Original poster
Sexnotgender · 27/07/2020 16:53

To clear up the pancake confusion, they’re scotch pancakes, so thick and fluffy and served with butter. Not weird crepey chamois leathers.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sexnotgender · 27/07/2020 16:57

Also it could be worse, I told my mum and she said when they were first married they invited a couple for dinner on Saturday night. They were still there for dinner on Sunday 😂

OP posts:
GCHWho · 27/07/2020 17:28

Risk : a game of strategy. The game was literally afoot at this development. Did he clutch it to his chest whispering “my precious“ as he conveyed it onto your property.

Itstheprinciple · 27/07/2020 17:33

Tip for your DH: always be clear in your invitation e.g. Call in for a coffee and a catch up on Sunday

or call in for a few drinks on Sunday

or come round for a bite to eat on Sunday

or come round for lunch/dinner on Sunday.

Then everyone knows what to expect.

Reallybadidea · 27/07/2020 17:49

I think the issue of dinner is almost a side issue to the fact that 6 hours is an incredibly long time to stay when invited round to someone's house. Unless it's made absolutely crystal clear by the hosts that they expect their guests to stay for a(nother) meal, most people would fuck off after 3 hours, 4 at the absolute most. But it's really difficult to get rid of guests who don't understand this social nicety, because if they don't get that, then they don't pick up on your cues that you want them to go either!

I once posted here on Xmas eve when my in-laws would not get the hint that we needed to get on with last minute preparations. Someone suggested asking them if they'd like another cup of tea "before you go". It worked like a charm, but god, I felt rude Blush

Reallybadidea · 27/07/2020 17:50

@Sexnotgender

Also it could be worse, I told my mum and she said when they were first married they invited a couple for dinner on Saturday night. They were still there for dinner on Sunday 😂
I need more details!
MrsKoala · 27/07/2020 18:20

or come round for a bite to eat on Sunday

That is ambiguous to me. I would probably assume a meal, but a casual one like lasagne or pizza rather than something more formal. Not cake.

Orchidsindoors · 27/07/2020 18:21

"2pm on Sunday is Sunday dinner time. YA both BU to not realise this."
No, dinner is in the evening. Think you are referring to lunch. If you invite someone for 2pm it's a given that they will have already had lunch. It's the evening meal the op is referring to.

Layyourshitonme · 27/07/2020 18:22

@Sexnotgender

Also it could be worse, I told my mum and she said when they were first married they invited a couple for dinner on Saturday night. They were still there for dinner on Sunday 😂
Oh this happened to us. We had some friends over and the wife decided to have a drink and stay over. We had room so I was cool with this and we had a good time. The next morning I made a full English and expected them to go but they just didn’t! They sat there and sat there. Eventually I asked if they had plans and the husband said he was going to watch the football on TV at four pm, he then said to my husband ‘oh you support Arsenal , I’ll watch it here with you’. At 7pm they were sitting at my table having a roast dinner. It was awful . They split up a fortnight later so fortunately I never had to invite them again. 😂
JesusInTheCabbageVan · 27/07/2020 18:30

LOTR Risk, holy shite. You have terrible taste in friends, don't you Grin

OK, you need this for next time. Just turn the '9' upside down to make a '6'.

Yerroblemom1923 · 27/07/2020 18:34

I think it depends how close the friendship is.....we often get invited to friends' and end up staying hours once the wine starts flowing etc and vice versa.....If I had plans for the evening I'd make sure it was mentioned earlier on so the guests knew we had to go out/be somewhere (even if we didn't! You know how you get some friends who you just know will outstay their welcome...and that you don't like that much so don't want them at yours ALL DAY!)
Or just say at round 8pm "are you guys hungry....? Not sure we've got much in... " in which case most would say " oh blimey is it that time? We'd best be off "

doyounothavegoogle · 27/07/2020 18:37

@bridgetreilly

"Well, it's been lovely to see you. We should all do this again sometime. But now we need to get going with [insert boring chore] before dinner. Thanks so much for coming."

Also at the mention of RISK, no matter what time of day, the correct response is always, "No, I'm afraid life is far too short for that, sorry."

Thank God for some sanity Grin

If any of my visitors mentioned that they had brought a board game along for us to play they would be told in no uncertain terms to fuck off.

Who keeps board games in their car?

AliceinBunnyland · 27/07/2020 18:53

But "tea" means dinner in some parts

Original poster
Sexnotgender · 27/07/2020 18:58

LOTR Risk, holy shite. You have terrible taste in friends, don't you

I know I know😂

OP posts:
hammeringinmyhead · 27/07/2020 19:18

Wow. I've never cooked a mid-afternoon Sunday roast in my life! And I also only ever have enough for 2 portions of anything, except maybe pasta. To me 2pm on Sunday suggests piss off before 5pm and there will be nothing more than biscuits.

BranchAndPoppy · 27/07/2020 19:20

Sunday lunch is definitely a thing IME. It was always sunday dinner in my house growing up, but I know Sunday roasts are a lunchtime thing also. Late lunch...I guess it could be at 2ish - 2.30.