To think you don’t assume you’re invited to dinner?

[Sexnotgender]

Totally prepared to be told IBU.

Husband invited mutual friends over yesterday afternoon, NO mention of dinner. Just a casual hey would be great to catch up invite. Arranged for 2pm, had a lovely afternoon, I baked and we had tea while the toddlers played. All delightful so far.

I nipped inside to change a nappy and my husband text me - I think they think they’re staying for dinner?!

PANIC!! The dinner I had planned for us was odds and ends from the fridge that needed used up.

Then the husband goes and gets a board game from the car😂 I was exempt I was frantically trying to conjure up some kind of effort for dinner whilst not looking like I’d been caught unawares.

Don’t get me wrong, lovely people but ruined my chilled Sunday plans.

Sexnotgender Mon 27-Jul-20 12:41:11
Dogsaresomucheasier

Are they someone who has fed you guys in the past? Or someone you need to impress for work etc?

Generally it’s cheeky, but I don’t think you need to hand your modern feminist membership card in because you bailed your husband out.

Nope. Never even been to their house.

Nothing work related either.

So mutual friends but YOU have never been to their house, has your OH?

I'd have taken getting out Risk as a cue to leave. That game never ends. I'd be making my excuses as soon as it was mentioned.

At 2pm they should be polite enough that after 4 hours they look at the time and go "oh better get back for dinner!"
It is a bit odd.

Inviting at 2pm would mean to me I am invited for coffee, with usually a slice of cake, so I wouldn't have translated that as a diner invitation but expectations from people seem very different.

Tell your husband to order in, or even better to be clearer on expectation next time! With good friends, would have probably done something on the bbq, but if you have no food in the house, you can't magic it.

OP,

Three times they have been to yours and the last time they just extend the stay...

CF.

Some people are deliberately obtuse and don't know when to go home.

They were rude to stay on and presumptuous.

You did NOT invite them for dinner.
YOU gave afternoon tea.

CF's decided to sit you out.

Be prepared for this to be a pattern.

Unless ye are absolutely desperate for friends, DON'T invite them over again until they have properly reciprocated your 3 lots of hospitality.

And IF you do have them over, be VERY specific in your invite.

They are CF's.

They started setting up a really long board game at around 4pm. It finished at 8pm. They’d been at my house since 2. Surely I needed to give them food?

Did you know the board game was likely to last so long? If I had known it was such a long game, or likely to be so, I'd have made it politely clear at that point that we had other plans.

So mutual friends but YOU have never been to their house, has your OH?

Yes he has.

Friend had a mine host OH, his friends had taken advantage years before she met him. She would turn off lights, draw back curtains and saying to OH time for bed to get rid of them.

OP they were bloody rude, if they wanted to stay and OH wanted them they should have treated you all to a takeaway.

What are "fresh" pancakes? Do you mean not from a bottle?

They;re the ONLY pancakes.

Did you know the board game was likely to last so long? If I had known it was such a long game, or likely to be so, I'd have made it politely clear at that point that we had other plans.

Yes I know risk is an incredibly long game.

@FortunesFave

What are "fresh" pancakes? Do you mean not from a bottle?

They;re the ONLY pancakes.

Just pancakes I made, not wildly exciting.

Who was looking after the toddlers whilst your DH was playing Risk and you were drinking wine?!

You can buy ready-made pancakes and sweet pancakes from supermarkets, they are great for such occasions (if you had been given a bit of notice obviously)

If there is a next time don't let them take out the board game. They obviously assumed it was an all day invitation which is weird unless stated.
I personally would not invite them again over the board game with toddlers alone.

@Redlocks28

Who was looking after the toddlers whilst your DH was playing Risk and you were drinking wine?!

They were in the same room playing quietly then eating with us.

A storm in a teacup

The OP knew they were coming, she made pancakes and cookies. She had prepped. Why would buying them ready made be helpful?

@Spied

If I was given a specific time to arrive on a Sunday then I'd be expecting a roast.

Really, you don't expect anyone to suggest getting together on a Sunday unless they are providing a roast?

"Do you want to come for Sunday lunch/dinner, shall we say 2 pm?"

"Do you fancy coming over for a catch-up on Sunday, shall we say about 2 pm?"

You would take both of these to mean you would be getting a roast dinner.

Why would buying them ready made be helpful?

to save you from having to made them...
Pancakes are a full meal if you have enough bits to fill them in.

My reply was to the poster saying that fresh pancakes are the ONLY pancakes. Why would they be the ONLY ones?

Some people on here are so formal and stuffy. Its your friends round! Surely you could just say 'what are you doing for dinner?' and then extend the invite to stay and join you. I know I could with my friends and family and they would do the same for me. And even if I was expecting it as it was around a time to eat, I would presume crossed wires somewhere and make arrangements.

@Caravanserai

Brits are so uptight with this kind of thing.

Exactly. It's a pretty weird culture of indirectness and fear of looking bad that makes people prefer to try to conjure dinner for unwanted overstaying guests from leftovers than to say 'Actually, we have other plans, it was lovely to see you'.

OK, if we should be more direct about this, Fuck off.

It’s not a “weird culture” just because it’s different from whatever clearly superior culture you hail from. Congratulations on being as blunt as fuck.

The OP is not trying to not look bad, she is trying to prevent her guests from feeling uncomfortable. That, to me, is admirable behaviour and, as part of a reciprocal culture of understood politeness, works perfectly well.

It sounds more like her guests have misunderstood the politeness cues but, as we will never know what invitation the husband has extended, we can’t be sure.

@ipushmyfingersintomyeyes

Some people on here are so formal and stuffy. Its your friends round! Surely you could just say 'what are you doing for dinner?' and then extend the invite to stay and join you. I know I could with my friends and family and they would do the same for me. And even if I was expecting it as it was around a time to eat, I would presume crossed wires somewhere and make arrangements.

that's not what the thread is about at all. The "friends" did stay over for diner!

It’s not a “weird culture” just because it’s different from whatever clearly superior culture you hail from. Congratulations on being as blunt as fuck.

I'm not remotely blunt, but this tying yourself into knots in order to keep other people from the realisation that they have misread fairly obvious social cues and/or overstayed their welcome is frankly ridiculous.

It shows up crazily often on Mn as posters torment themselves about how to politely get rid of uninvited guests, or family members who've stayed for a fortnight without paying for a single item of groceries, or deal with colleagues who have construed a one-off lift into an iron commitment to ferry them to and from work for the foreseeable future.

If this is the functioning of a 'culture of reciprocal understood politeness', it seems to involve a lot of personal martyrdom For Fear of Looking Bad. And it's opposite, believe me, is not being 'blunt as fuck' to use your charming expression.

@MintyMabel

2pm on Sunday is Sunday dinner time. YA both BU to not realise this.

Not in my world. Or anyone else’s I know. YABU for thinking everyone is the same.

Sunday dinner is 7PM at the earliest, just as on any other day.

In the unlikely event of me inviting anyone for Sunday lunch, I would specify "Sunday lunch", and it would be 1PM. 2PM means it's not over until 3.30 and you (I) then feel blobby and stupefied for the rest of the day.

Bad luck, OP. On the bright side, you and your DH were good hosts, even if you didn't plan to be.

You've also reminded me to be very, very specific about invitation wordings... --glad my friends who are coming tonight know that it's just drinks and not food as well-

I wouldn’t assume I was invited to dinner but I find it really stressful when invites aren’t clear about meals. Inviting someone for a “catch up” is really vague and 2pm isn’t unambiguously not a meal time. I’m not the kind of person to do a roast on a Sunday but 2pm is pretty squarely in the Sunday lunch window if you are. If someone invited me over at 2pm on a Sunday and gave no details about meals I wouldn’t know whether or not I should eat before I came and it wouldn’t give me any clues as to how long they expected me to stay. If someone said come for “coffee/afternoon tea and a catch up” then I know that I should eat before I come and only stay a few hours. I’d find it really awkward to try and work out whether after a couple of hours it is time to leave, or whether you had expected me to stay for dinner. I think there’s a lesson to be learned about making your invitations clearer. That way everyone knows where they stand.