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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you don’t assume you’re invited to dinner?

240 replies

Sexnotgender · 27/07/2020 12:26

Totally prepared to be told IBU.

Husband invited mutual friends over yesterday afternoon, NO mention of dinner. Just a casual hey would be great to catch up invite. Arranged for 2pm, had a lovely afternoon, I baked and we had tea while the toddlers played. All delightful so far.

I nipped inside to change a nappy and my husband text me - I think they think they’re staying for dinner?!

PANIC!! The dinner I had planned for us was odds and ends from the fridge that needed used up.

Then the husband goes and gets a board game from the car😂 I was exempt I was frantically trying to conjure up some kind of effort for dinner whilst not looking like I’d been caught unawares.

Don’t get me wrong, lovely people but ruined my chilled Sunday plans.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sexnotgender · 27/07/2020 12:56

@Lilybet1980

Is no one else interested to know what the OP russled up for dinner?!
It was very boring 😂

Thankfully I’d made hummus and baba ghanoush for our planned dinner earlier in the day so it was pizza, salad and tortilla chips with them.

I sold it as toddler friendly 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Sexnotgender · 27/07/2020 12:57

@NoSquirrels

So you haven't been to theirs before, and they've never been to yours? Are they pretty new friends? If so, no way of knowing if they're cheeky fuckers, or just misunderstood.
They’ve been to ours twice.

We’ve known them about 18 months.

OP posts:
Caravanserai · 27/07/2020 12:57

Brits are so uptight with this kind of thing.

Exactly. It's a pretty weird culture of indirectness and fear of looking bad that makes people prefer to try to conjure dinner for unwanted overstaying guests from leftovers than to say 'Actually, we have other plans, it was lovely to see you'.

Cheeseandwin5 · 27/07/2020 12:57

Is a bit late now, but I dont think anyone acted unreasonable.
I am sure your guest would have been horrified they put you through such trouble.
Hopefully a lesson learned for next time, Confirm if a meal is to be included.
I would have ordered pizzas and split the bill with the other family- no need for you both to shoulder it all.

NoSquirrels · 27/07/2020 12:58

My DH is king of the slightly shit invite which doesn't make anything clear - asking a mate over at 7.30pm, for instance. "Have you invited them to eat with us?" is a question I need to regularly ask, and then he remembers that hey, 7.30pm invite is ambiguous in terms of hospitality. But his family entertained rarely, whereas my house growing up was a bit more all are welcome, as long as you let us know who's eating and who's not, sort of deal. But it doesn't sound as if that was the problem here.

Original poster
Sexnotgender · 27/07/2020 12:58

@StoppinBy

I would assume the invite was for afternoon tea but any time I invite people over I make it clear what they are invited for, eg, would you like to come for a couple of hours on Sunday? I will organise afternoon tea or, would you like to visit on Sunday afternoon, you are welcome to stay for tea.

Lesson learned hopefully lol, next time just make the invite very very clear.

I had a word with my husband to tell him he needs to do this next time!!
OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 27/07/2020 12:59

What happened the other 2 times they've been to yours? And have you never been to theirs as just not invited, or what?

Is there a pattern?

Palavah · 27/07/2020 12:59

I also think 2pm on a Sunday isn't late enough to be definitely not lunch.

When at 3.30/4 the other husband says, I’ve got RISK in the car, we can play it later.

This was the time to say something 'oh we'll have to do that next time - I need to give the kids their bath at XX time' - so they know they need to leave by then

Venicelover · 27/07/2020 12:59

I would always have enough in to rustle up a quick meal, but it would depend on how well I know them as to whether they would have been invited for that, or for just a casual 'catch up' nibbles buffet and drinks.

If they finished the game at eight maybe they only eat late and were not expecting dinner before that time?

Original poster
Sexnotgender · 27/07/2020 13:00

@NoSquirrels

What happened the other 2 times they've been to yours? And have you never been to theirs as just not invited, or what?

Is there a pattern?

First time was a dinner invite with another couple. Lovely time had.

Second time was just wife and kids for afternoon tea.

OP posts:
ThickFast · 27/07/2020 13:00

2pm is not Sunday roast time or whatever. That’s the time you invite people when you don’t want them over for lunch or dinner. I’ve had situations like this so now I make sure it’s clear beforehand. Or, if it’s getting near meal time and they’re not making moves, I’ll say, I’m more than happy for you to stay for lunch/dinner but it might be a bit of a random one. Or, I hadn’t thought you’d be staying for dinner, you’re welcome to but we’re at the end of the week’s food shop so it’ll be whatever I can get together. It seems to have worked well and I don’t mind people staying longer than expected (which is a compliment) anymore because I don’t feel like I have to make an impressive meal.

Littlehouseinthebigcity · 27/07/2020 13:00

Haha I get this OP! We had people over for lunch on Sunday but then they were still there when I was getting the kids tea ready. Seemed rude to just not provide anything so I made cheese on toast for everyone! Not glamorous but everyone enjoyed it.

WeAllHaveWings · 27/07/2020 13:00

If they are your friends, why cant you just say, ooops looks like we've got our wires crossed and dh has invited you to dinner!!! Great < insert lots of enthusiasm>, would love you to stay, have a drink and to play Risk!! I have only got 2 small pizza and chips for tea! How about we go half on a take-a-way?

NoSquirrels · 27/07/2020 13:01

I think it's probably the Sunday-ness of the invite throwing it off. But they should have asked if they were unclear on what they were invited to. You were probably both too polite.

LagunaBubbles · 27/07/2020 13:01

if I was given a specific time to arrive on a Sunday then I'd be expecting a roast

Thats really entitled!

TheRosariojewels · 27/07/2020 13:01

If I invited someone round at 2pm on a Sunday, I would cook Sunday lunch.

Original poster
Sexnotgender · 27/07/2020 13:01

If they finished the game at eight maybe they only eat late and were not expecting dinner before that time?

Problem is we eat early so I’d probably have eaten their toddler by 8pm.

Also you just don’t know do you? What if they eat early and I just didn’t feed them and they left at 8 thinking how rude I was 😂

OP posts:
Redlocks28 · 27/07/2020 13:01

They’ve been to your house three times and have now stretched out a 2pm invite into dinner and playing board games, yet you’ve never been to theirs.

How come?!

PolloDePrimavera · 27/07/2020 13:02

You mean dinner as evening meal don't you? Personally, I would not expect to be staying for that if invited at 2.

Original poster
Sexnotgender · 27/07/2020 13:03

@Redlocks28

They’ve been to your house three times and have now stretched out a 2pm invite into dinner and playing board games, yet you’ve never been to theirs.

How come?!

Good question...
OP posts:
Original poster
Sexnotgender · 27/07/2020 13:04

@PolloDePrimavera

You mean dinner as evening meal don't you? Personally, I would not expect to be staying for that if invited at 2.
Sorry yes I mean evening meal if that’s not clear.
OP posts:
GabsAlot · 27/07/2020 13:04

i wold have asked before i came or offered to bring some food at least not just assume

NoSquirrels · 27/07/2020 13:04

This is the sort of invite I can imagine my DH arranging with another bloke, and then me having to say "But are we invited to lunch at 2pm, or should we eat first?" and then my DH getting irritated at me needing to know, so failing to ask, and then ....

Do you think that happened? Were they both quite oblivious or just the DH with his board games?

Original poster
Sexnotgender · 27/07/2020 13:04

@TheRosariojewels

If I invited someone round at 2pm on a Sunday, I would cook Sunday lunch.
And I assume you invite them saying something along the lines of, would you like to come for Sunday lunch?
OP posts:
Crunchymum · 27/07/2020 13:05

@Sexnotgender

You seem intent on this being the guests issue?

As in they have made some terrible social faux pas... whereas any suggestions that your DH (and yourself) as the hosts should have dealt with the matter has been rebuffed?

FWIW, as a guest I don't think you should ever assume you will be fed but I'd ask in advance?

DP has a friend popping in for tea / guitar session later. Shopping day tomorrow so all I have is enough for dinner for us and the kids, DP friend will be made aware of this when he arrives.