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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Calling step daughter manipulative

161 replies

Mumof2babies · 27/07/2020 08:31

At the weekend I told my partner that step daughter was very manipulative
My partner had to work on Friday as he usually does which means my step daughter stays with me usually there is no problems but this week she decided she didnt want her dad to fo to work so decided to kick up a fuss about it. My partner said to her you knew I had to work stop being silly and he went to work
He asked me how she was so I said I was quite worried as she had refused to eat or anything so he asked her mum if she had been eating okay at home and her mum said she had so shes probably just being a pain
After my partner came back from work he took both the kids to McDonald's and surprisingly she ate it no problems
I told him when they had gone to bed that I thought she was manipulative and that she had probably done it in the hope he would come home from work
He didnt take it too well but thats exactly how I see it

OP posts:
lyralalala · 27/07/2020 08:33

Telling someone their child is manipulative is never going to go down well.

She doesn't sound manipulative, she just sounds like a child having a childish tantrum.

How old is she and how much time does she get with her Dad?

Alexandernevermind · 27/07/2020 08:36

She was upset as she wanted to spend time with her dad. Many people struggle to eat if they are upset. How often does he have her?

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/07/2020 08:36

How would you feel if someone called one of your DC manipulative?

She comes to see her dad so you’re not obliged to have her when he’s at work, something to think about if she doesn’t like him not being there and he won’t back you up on discipline.

But how old is she?

Mydogisthebestest · 27/07/2020 08:38

So would you have preferred him to take just one of the children (yours and his?) to mcDonalds? What would that have achieved?

Original poster
Mumof2babies · 27/07/2020 08:39

We have her every weekend and during summer holidays we have her 2-3 nights a week so shes very used to being with me while her dad is at work..and to be honest the partner has called my child a few things before now

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumof2babies · 27/07/2020 08:43

Also i never said he shouldnt have taken her.. I was simply saying that I was worried because.she refused to eat or drink anything all day but soon as he came home she did it wasnt like she just didnt eat lunch she had nothing honest or drink all day everything i offered her she refused

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumof2babies · 27/07/2020 08:44

To eat or drink

OP posts:
Justjoshin22 · 27/07/2020 08:45

How old is she, OP?

lyralalala · 27/07/2020 08:46

How old is she?

She still sounds just like an upset child having a strop.

If it's unusual behaviour from her it's bizarre you've gone straight to manipulative rather than being remotely concerned about her.

Alexandernevermind · 27/07/2020 08:46

She probably thinks she might as well stop with her own mum as with her step mum. I couldn't see where you said how old she is, it doesn't matter, kids never stop needing g their dads. Could he arrange to have her when he isn't working instead?

Original poster
Mumof2babies · 27/07/2020 08:46

Almost 10

OP posts:
lyralalala · 27/07/2020 08:46

Also how much time has she had with her Dad recently?

pinkyredrose · 27/07/2020 08:47

He actually left work to take her to McDonald's? Bet his employers loved that!

Original poster
Mumof2babies · 27/07/2020 08:48

He works Monday-Friday and the occasional Saturday so.in that case he would never see her

OP posts:
Codexdivinchi · 27/07/2020 08:49

Your at the point where you both calling each other’s kids names. Not great is it? It’s a line you just don’t cross. If my husband would have called dd1 ( not her dad) a name I’d have wiped the floor with him, I don’t even call my kids names.

I’m assuming the other child he took was your child yet you have only taken umbrage at his Dd going. His dd probably just east want me to spend time with her dad.

Original poster
Mumof2babies · 27/07/2020 08:50

No after work when he came home ...so she went all day with no food or drink because she refused it

OP posts:
PaperMonster · 27/07/2020 08:50

She just sounds like a girl who wanted to be with her dad and because she was upset she didn’t wAnt to eat. She’s not gained anything here at all. Can’t actually see how she’s been manipulative.

ludothedog · 27/07/2020 08:51

She knows that you don't like her and is using the only way she can to control the situation. It sounds like she doesn't have any options/choice in this situation and food is her only way to exert some control. Be careful of this.

Blended families are.so hard. Perhaps she can go back to mum rather than stay with you?

lyralalala · 27/07/2020 08:51

@Mumof2babies

No after work when he came home ...so she went all day with no food or drink because she refused it
And instead of being remotely concerned about that you've called her manipulative

She's a child. Something was bugging her so she played out in a childish way.

Food is a common control for children because when you think about it, it's one of the few things they can control.

Codexdivinchi · 27/07/2020 08:52

She is spending way too much time with you. Why does he work weekends when he knows he has his dd?

lyralalala · 27/07/2020 08:52

If she's normally fine and was simply having a bad day it's a bit daft to label her so quickly.

If you've both taken to calling each other's kids names then it's a sign that all is not well. She could also be picking up on that.

ZeldalovesLink · 27/07/2020 08:53

‘Manipulative’ is a loaded word in this situation. She’s still a young child, and it sounds like she was either genuinely upset or, at worst, that she had a strop and then got over it.

JoJothesquirrel · 27/07/2020 08:53

Manipulate is such a loaded word. She was behaving in a way to try and elicit a response. That’s what everyone does all the time. She’s 10, she didn’t eat and drink all day (8 hours? 10?) no permanent damage done. Maybe if this becomes the pattern every week then it’s time to look at it again. But mainly she was being a pain.
My kid gets called manipulative when he doesn’t like that I have to go to work full time, he’s not dreamed up some elaborate scam he’s just expressing he’s Pissed the world isn’t exactly to his pleasing.

Livelovebehappy · 27/07/2020 08:54

Just normal stroppy behaviour. Children’s brains aren’t obviously totally developed at 10, so rather than it being manipulating behaviour, she was just having a sulk and a strop and expressed it in the way she did. I think you’re over reacting saying you were worried because she didn’t eat most of the day - she’s not going to starve or be ill by not eating for a few hours. It’s called ‘cutting your nose off to spite your face’, and children will often do this to make a point, and ignoring it is best. If you react, she will probably repeat it in the future.

LovingLola · 27/07/2020 08:56

He actually left work to take her to McDonald's?

No he didn’t.